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A Return to Honor

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As I write this, our country is celebrating Memorial Weekend. During this time, we remember those who have served, suffered and died in our military. We honor our veterans, living and dead, and such honor is well deserved. We don’t do it often enough.

The focus of this weekend has led me to consider the concept of honor. What does it mean, exactly? Is it a practice lost in today’s culture? Does it still have value on a personal and a societal level?

While there are several definitions for the word “honor,” I want to discuss the verb, as in “We will honor those who came before us.” For example, this Memorial Weekend we remember, acknowledge and “honor” our veterans. Webster includes the definition: ”a showing of usually merited respect. “

Honoring those whose actions or positions have merited such respect is appropriate, but what about everyday expressions of honor? How might our lives change if we honored those who live under our own roof? Do you honor your spouse or your children? Do you honor your friends, co-workers or the many people you meet as you go through your day?

We often think that honoring someone suggests that we consider them to be above us, but is that really true? We can perceive the other person as equal to us, and still honor them. We can show them “merited respect” through our actions, our words, and our tone of voice.

What do you think would happen to your personal relationships if you behaved in a manner that honored those you encounter each day? Do you think honoring your spouse might contribute to a more positive relationship?  Do you think your children might be healthier and happier if your tone and words honored them? You can honor someone and still maintain proper boundaries and expectations.

What about yourself? Do you honor yourself? Do you treat yourself with the respect you give to others? Does your self-talk convey a tone of honor toward self? Do your choices and behaviors demonstrate a sense of honor toward self? Self-esteem wounds often prohibit any expressions of self-honor. Likewise, treating yourself with honor helps to heal self-esteem wounds.

Try to maintain an awareness of honor as you go through your day. Let your words, tone of voice and behaviors reflect honor toward those around you and toward yourself. And, on this weekend, especially, honor those who sacrificed for our freedoms.

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The Impact of Contagious Emotions

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Emotions are Contagious

Like many, I have been concerned about the rise of anger, division, polarization and general negativity in America in recent years. We are inundated daily with stories of conflicts, accusations, protests, riots and shootings. It is increasingly more difficult to find examples of kindness, civility and open, considerate communication between people with differing opinions.

One psychological phenomenon that may help us understand this trend is “emotional contagion.” This is the idea that humans synchronize their emotions with the emotions expressed by those around them. We tend to take on the emotions of those we observe. This process can be conscious or unconscious. It can also occur when we experience another’s emotions by watching them on TV, listening to them on podcasts or seeing their social media posts.

Research on this tendency goes back as far as 1897 and has been fairly consistent through the years. Studies suggest that our conscious assessments of other’s emotions are more often based on what others say, but our own internal emotions are more heavily influenced by their non-verbal ques such as facial expression, body language or tone of voice.

In 2012, a large but controversial study was conducted on over 600,000 Facebook users. The researchers filtered out either positive or negative emotional content appearing from others on participant’s newsfeeds. They found that people posted more negative emotional content when they were exposed to negative emotions from others and more positive content when exposed to positive emotions. I know that I have personally enjoyed the Facebook option to unfollow someone who posts particularly angry or negative posts.

So, we do seem to take on the negative or positive emotions of those around us, but what do we do about it? If our moods are being influenced by others who are positive, hopeful and happy, it can be great, but that isn’t what is happening around us today.

The first step is increased awareness. We must ask ourselves if a particular mood or attitude has been influenced by what we have observed in others. Is this mood or emotion something we want to feel? Is it helpful or productive? If not, simply reminding ourselves that we may have been caught up in other’s negative moods may help us make a shift.

We also have to be very deliberate about what we expose ourselves to. We need to filter what we watch on TV. We need to remind ourselves that news channels are designed to sell advertising and that sensational and negative stories attract more viewers, thus generating more money for them. The more they upset us, the more money they make!

We should also be aware of the impact of those in our more personal orbit. Does that one friend tend to stir you up a lot. Does her anger, pessimism or anxiety trigger similar feelings in you? Perhaps you don’t want to distance yourself from the person, but you might be able to agree to not discuss certain topics at all. You may request that some discussions be off-limits or simply change the subject.

Humans are social animals, and we are influenced by the emotions of others. We can allow ourselves to be swept along by the current negative emotional wave, or we can deliberately take steps to resist the influence. We may not be able to change the world, but we can change ourselves. Then again, perhaps in doing so, we can help change the world.

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Simple and Complicated Grief

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When we lose someone or something we love, we grieve. It is a universal human emotion. It is painful and unwanted, but it is healthy. When we experience loss, we need to grieve.

grief

Of course, grief is painful. It sometimes washes over us like a huge wave, knocking us off our feet. We sometimes feel that we are drowning in it. It can feel as deep as a bottomless ocean. Just when we may be gaining our balance, another wave comes, unexpected and unwanted.

Grief is a natural process for our healing and is thus necessary. The most healthy response to grief is to let it happen, to let it flow. When we try to avoid or block grief, we bring on more pain. Repressed grief doesn’t go away. It just changes form to depression, anger or isolation. The pain lingers or worsens.

Grief is best processed in the company of supportive, compassionate others. We need to talk about our grief or cry with those who care about us. Every society has developed rituals to help its members experiencing grief. The rituals look different but all serve to surround the grieving person with loved ones and honorably mark the passing of the deceased.

There are two types of grief reactions; simple grief and complicated grief. Simple grief is simple. We lose someone or something we love and we grieve. The grief is most intense immediately after the loss and gradually improves. There are, of course, good and bad days and weeks, but there is gradual improvement and we move on.

Complicated grief is when the grief process is complicated by factors such as anger or guilt. A complicated reaction can occur when the relationship with the deceased was difficult. We may have felt both love and anger toward the person. We may have had an argument right before their death. Such mixed emotions can complicate the grief response.

We can also experience complicated grief when we feel guilt in the person’s death. We question ourselves. They might still be alive if I had called sooner, checked on them sooner or forced them to go to the hospital. Our self-questioning or self-blame can prevent us from processing our grief. Our emotional distress often worsens over time rather than improving.

When someone questions or blames themselves for their choices, I ask them to put someone else in their shoes. Imaging that someone they like or respect was in their situation and knew exactly what they knew in the moment. Would they judge that person’s choice as harshly? Would they feel the other person “should have known better?”

Our watches run in only one direction. Each choice me make is based on what we know in that moment, not on what we will know in the future. With 20/20 hindsight, we judge our choices on what we know now. Life doesn’t work that way. We don’t have the power of omniscience.

Grief is painful. It is an unwanted companion, but a necessary part of being human. Lean on those who love you. Give yourself time to feel whatever you feel. And in the process, be compassionate with yourself.

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Contagious Anxiety

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Everyone is reacting in some way to the Covid 19 Pandemic. Whether you believe people are overreacting or under reacting, it has your attention. For most, it creates a feeling of anxiety.

Covid 19 Virus

Anxiety is one aspect of the human fight-or-flight response. We are created with this response to prepare us for physical threat. When we perceive potential danger, our brains and bodies automatically go into a state of physical readiness, with hearts racing, rapid breathing, tense muscles and more.

In addition to the physical reactions in the fight-or-flight reaction, we have a sense of impending doom or danger. We feel uneasy. We anticipate or expect negative events. We stay in a state of increased readiness.

A primary cause for anxiety in this pandemic is the unknown. We watch the news about the number of cases and deaths in other countries and hear estimates of how we will fare. We see empty grocery shelves and hear about closings. We see the drops in the stock market and wonder about our economic future.

Our anxiety is worsened by the fact that our enemy is invisible. We anticipate that the virus could be anywhere and on anything you touch. Who has the virus and who doesn’t? We can easily become suspicious of everything and everyone.

Yes, our world seems to have changed in the last few weeks. We feel different. We look at things differently. I remember a very similar feeling after the 911 attacks. Everything felt strange. The world looked like it would never return to normalcy. But, it did.

In a time of uncertainty, we have to remind ourselves of those things of which we are certain. There are things that have changed in the last few weeks, but there are many things that haven’t changed. There are things you don’t know, but there is still much that you do know.

  • Nature hasn’t changed. Look around you. Take time to notice the trees and the sky. Notice that birds still fly, squirrels still scamper and dogs still like to cuddle. The sun, moon and stars still rise and fall. The world still revolves from night to day.
  • Your friends and family haven’t changed. Focus your attention on the blessings of your loved ones. Even if you can’t physically connect with them, you can do so virtually. We’re blessed to have social media, face time and telephone to communicate and encourage. Now is a great time to share your love and encouragement. It may be one of the enduring blessings of this crisis.
  • Your interests and hobbies haven’t changed. One positive side-effect of social distancing is many of us are forced to slow down. Take the time to pick up that old hobby you haven’t done in a while. Do whatever used to bring you joy. Or perhaps, just take the time to sit, ponder, or rest. You probably need it.
  • Your faith hasn’t changed. Now is a great time to remember that you are not alone. God hasn’t changed and he hasn’t forgotten about you. I’ve seen many people sharing that this situation has strengthened their connection to God. It can definitely give you that “peace that passes understanding.”

So, our world has changed in the last few weeks, but in many ways, it is just the same. We can only do so much to control the spread of the virus, but we can do much to control our response. When this is all done and behind us, I hope we can say that it made us better people.

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Can Humility Improve Self-Esteem?

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True Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.

                            C. S. Lewis

It seems to be a bit confusing to say that you can improve your self-esteem by practicing humility, but I believe that it is true. I began thinking about this topic after reading Dr. John Dickson’s book titled Humilitas. I heard Dr. Dickson speak at a conference I attended in South Korea last November and followed-up by reading his book. He presents a compelling argument for the benefits of practicing humility in our day-to-day interactions.

Dr. Dickson’s field of expertise is ancient history, and he explores the changes in the perception of humility in different eras and societies. He notes that society didn’t seem to value humility until Christ’s teachings began to spread. Prior to that time, ancient writings were filled with bragging and self-elevation that most of us today would find quite offensive.

True humility is a deliberate choice. The person voluntarily lowers himself or herself and behaves in a modest, gentle or serving manner toward the other person. Consider the act of Jesus washing his disciple’s feet.

This type of humility is very different from the times where one is put down or humiliated by others. The later act wounds the self-esteem. The former is a reflection of a healthy self-esteem. One needs to have a healthy self-esteem to be able to voluntarily humble him or herself.

This is also different from the person with a damaged or wounded self-esteem, who behaves in a self-critical and self-depreciating manner. This person’s behaviors are simply a reflection of their negative beliefs about self. This person sees him or herself as inferior to others or defective and so acts that way.

When you practice deliberate humility, you recognize that you have value, ability or knowledge, but you refrain from flaunting it. You listen earnestly to the other individual, recognizing that you can learn from everyone. You treat the other person with honor, respect and kindness.

I believe that you walk away from such interactions feeling better about yourself, and that your self-esteem grows. It’s not that you walk away proud of your actions. Rather, I believe you lose any sense of yourself, as you serve others.

True humility is learned through deliberate practice or conscious effort. But, the practice fosters an attitude that becomes an unconscious way of living. Try it. I believe your self-esteem or self-worth will benefit from the effort.

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Holding On to Our Hurts

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What do you do when someone hurts you? Notice that the question is when, not if. Everyone gets hurt at times. It’s unavoidable. The important issue is how we respond to those hurts.

Life is Unfair
We all get hurt at times, but sometimes we hurt ourselves when we hold on to them forever.

Some people strike back. Their hurt quickly turns into anger, frustration or irritation. The transition is usually so fast that they don’t even recognize the hurt. They only feel the anger. They may claim that they don’t feel hurt, just angry. I would argue, however, that underneath all anger is a sense of being hurt.

Some people hold their hurt in. They don’t say anything to the offending party. They just get quiet and withdraw. They protect themselves by distancing. It’s harder for them to hurt you if you distance from them. This distancing can be physical where you stay away from them altogether, or it could be emotional distancing where you just build a wall around your heart. Either way, you distance.

In many situations, the most effective response is an assertive one. An assertive response lets the other person know they their words or actions hurt you, but does so without being aggressive. Your tone and words are direct and serious, but not angry or attacking. An assertive response addresses the hurt without damaging the relationship.

But what about your long-term response to being hurt? Are you able to let the event go, or do you hold on to your hurt? Do you replay the event over-and-over in your mind? Do you continuously analyze what they meant, why they did it, or what you wish you had said to them? Do you find yourself thinking about it as you lie awake in bed?

Holding on to our hurts or anger creates several problems. Here are a few:

  1. Sustained anger or irritation creates harmful chemical changes in our bodies. When we experience resentment, irritation or anger, our bodies release cortisol. This chemical helps our bodies prepare to fight or flee when we are faced with physical danger. However, it is intended to be released as brief bursts, where we defend ourselves and then calm down. Holding on to negative emotions keeps the cortisol elevated, which damages the body over time. For example, research shows a clear connection between sustained anger and heart disease.
  2. Continued ruminating about a hurt can increase our general negativity. When we replay negative events in our minds, we are more likely to anticipate future negative events. We expect the worst. We tend to distrust others more. Our negative expectations of others can hurt other relationships.
  3. Repeatedly replaying hurtful events or analyzing them to death takes up valuable mental space. Our negative thoughts can ruin times we could have enjoyed. When we obsess today about a hurtful act that occurred last year, we give that hurtful person our afternoon. We don’t enjoy the afternoon because of our ruminations about the person who hurt us. And, by the way, that person is probably enjoying their afternoon without thinking about us at all.

So, the best immediate response to a hurtful act is usually an assertive one, but the best long-term response is always to let it go. It isn’t easy to let go of our hurts, but it’s always best for our well-being.

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A Time of New Beginnings

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As we celebrate the new year, we often think of new year’s resolutions. I don’t hear people talk about them as often as I used to, but the topic still comes up. I think most of us consider resolutions a waste of time, as they’re usually forgotten by February.

goal setting
Clear, concise goals are the best way to improve our lives.

But still, a new year can be thought of as a new beginning or a new start. We hope that this year will be better than the last, that we will finally make that positive change, or at least have better luck. We look toward the future.

While New Year’s resolutions often fail, there is a benefit to setting goals. Research shows that most top athletes and business people set goals. They often attribute their success to proper goal setting. Their goals help them focus their efforts and increase their motivation.

So, how do we set goals that actually make a difference? Here are some guidelines to consider.

  1. Make your goals measurable. A goal should be specific so it is easy to determine whether it was or was not met. Saying you want to be a better person is nice, but your success will depend on the day of the week and who you ask. Saying that you will show some act of kindness every day is a little more manageable. Saying you will be healthier is too vague. Saying you will love twenty pounds is measurable.
  2. Give yourself a timeframe. Set a specific time where you will check your success or failure. Saying, “I will lose twenty pounds by March first” will increase your motivation and focus.   
  3. Don’t set too many goals. We can become overwhelmed by too many goals. Keep the number at three or less at first. If you succeed at those, you can add more.
  4. Visualize your success. There is tremendous power in visualization. Picture the time when the goal is a reality. Imagine yourself twenty pounds lighter. Picture the project as already completed. Be as detailed in your visualization as possible. Notice what you see, feel and hear in that moment. Notice the look on your face. Notice how good you feel with your success.
  5. Avoid self-criticism if you fail at a goal. You will not succeed at every goal you set. When you do fail, just start over. Try to identify why you failed and make corrections. Learn from your mistakes, but don’t beat yourself up with them. Self-abuse never helps. It just crushes your motivation and morale.

As this new year rings in, consider how you want your life to look. Self-growth is a good thing. You often can improve your circumstances. For years I have said, “I want to live my life deliberately.” Be intentional. Set a goal or two this new year, and see what happens.

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I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

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Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Luke 2:14

The Christmas carol, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” is based on the poem “Christmas Bells” by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. He wrote the poem on Christmas day in 1863, in the middle of the Civil War.

Christmas Gatherings
Peace on Earth for Christmas must begin with me.

Longfellow’s peace had been broken as his second wife of 18 years had been killed in a fire, and his son, Charles, was severely wounded in the Battle of New Hope Church, Virginia.

Most of us are familiar with the carol. It begins with the positive message that Christmas bells remind us of the hope of the season, “peace on earth, good-will to men.” The initial tone was uplifting.

Longfellow’s poem then took a dark turn. He wrote two verses with specific references to the horrors of the civil war where he described how the cannons drowned out the carols of peace on earth. These verses were in the original poem but were not included in the carol.

The next verse describes his reaction:

“And in despair I bowed my head;
“There is no peace on earth,” I said;
“For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

But Longfellow concludes with a message of ultimate hope.

“Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men.”

It’s such a basic message isn’t it? That in the midst of our troubles, when we’ve experienced loss, or when division and hate are overwhelming, we can be helped with a simple reminder. God is not dead, nor doth he sleep. We remember that we are not alone. God has not changed, and ultimately, the wrong shall fail, the right prevail.

It seems to me that the last line of the verse depends a bit on us. This Christmas, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could show more good-will to others, even those who are different from us or who disagree with us. Showing acts of kindness or good-will toward our fellow men might help us experience a little more peace on earth. Of course, it would have to extend beyond Christmas, but it seems like a good time to start.

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On Becoming Judgmental

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I’m looking forward to it. I can’t wait. I imagine that it will be so satisfying. I’ve been trying to be patient, but it is difficult. I’ve seen others do it, and they certainly seem to enjoy it.

I’m looking forward to it. I can’t wait. I imagine that it will be so satisfying. I’ve been trying to be patient, but it is difficult. I’ve seen others do it, and they certainly seem to enjoy it.

judging

So, what am I talking about? I’m looking forward to being judgmental. I’m looking forward to judging everyone around me. First, I’ll turn up my nose to those who have messed up. Then, with my head pointed upward, I’ll be able to look down on those who have faltered. Finally, I’ll sneer at those who have stumbled.

The self-satisfaction will be sweet. The arrogance will be awesome. Like the kid, who is assigned the job of taking names while the teacher is out of the room, I will be sitting tall. My head will be scanning the crowd, searching for any infraction. My pencil and paper will be ready.

The advantages of being judgmental will be abundant. I will be able to feel superior. Looking down on someone will remind me that I am above them. I won’t have to examine myself, of course. I will be much too busy for that.

Unfortunately, for now, I’ll have to wait. I’m not quite qualified to be the name-taker. I fall short of the requirements to be judgmental.  But when I become perfect, I will jump at the job. That’s right, when I become perfect, I plan to become judgmental, and I can’t wait.

Hmmm, I guess I really can’t wait. You see, if I’m totally honest, I must admit that I’ve tried it out a time or two. I’ve sampled that feeling of superiority that comes from judging others. I tried to resist, but the temptation was just too strong.

The bad thing is that practicing judgment prematurely isn’t completely satisfying unless I pretend. To make it work, I have to pretend that I’m already perfect. Acknowledging my own faults ruins the taste. Like the green apple, judging another before I reach perfection can be a bitter fruit.

So, I guess I need to wait until I reach perfection.  I’ll have to remember that I’m in the same boat as everyone else. You and I may attempt judging others to temporarily make ourselves feel better, but a little self-examination makes the superiority illusion fade quickly.

We’re all human, with all our strengths and weaknesses. We all mess up. So, perhaps we can put away our urges to judge; at least until we become perfect.

So, what am I talking about? I’m looking forward to being judgmental. I’m looking forward to judging everyone around me. First, I’ll turn up my nose to those who have messed up. Then, with my head pointed upward, I’ll be able to look down on those who have faltered. Finally, I’ll sneer at those who have stumbled.

The self-satisfaction will be sweet. The arrogance will be awesome. Like the kid, who is assigned the job of taking names while the teacher is out of the room, I will be sitting tall. My head will be scanning the crowd, searching for any infraction. My pencil and paper will be ready.

The advantages of being judgmental will be abundant. I will be able to feel superior. Looking down on someone will remind me that I am above them. I won’t have to examine myself, of course. I will be much too busy for that.

Unfortunately, for now, I’ll have to wait. I’m not quite qualified to be the name-taker. I fall short of the requirements to be judgmental.  But when I become perfect, I will jump at the job. That’s right, when I become perfect, I plan to become judgmental, and I can’t wait.

Hmmm, I guess I really can’t wait. You see, if I’m totally honest, I must admit that I’ve tried it out a time or two. I’ve sampled that feeling of superiority that comes from judging others. I tried to resist, but the temptation was just too strong.

The bad thing is that practicing judgment prematurely isn’t completely satisfying unless I pretend. To make it work, I have to pretend that I’m already perfect. Acknowledging my own faults ruins the taste. Like the green apple, judging another before I reach perfection can be a bitter fruit.

So, I guess I need to wait until I reach perfection.  I’ll have to remember that I’m in the same boat as everyone else. You and I may attempt judging others to temporarily make ourselves feel better, but a little self-examination makes the superiority illusion fade quickly.

We’re all human, with all our strengths and weaknesses. We all mess up. So, perhaps we can put away our urges to judge; at least until we become perfect.

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Calling Yourself Names

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How do you react when you hear someone call another person a negative name? Does it bother you if a parent calls a child “stupid?” Would you cringe if you heard someone say that a person at a restaurant was “fat” or “ugly?” What if the person overheard the comment?

Most often, negative names are used behind the other person’s back. The words aren’t meant to wound, but rather a way of “building myself up by putting that person down.” It feels innocent and harmless. At best, it’s a sad way of building up one’s ego. At worst, particularly if overheard, it creates a significant self-esteem wound for the criticized person.

Negative names, like idiot, fat, failure, ugly, loser or stupid, create a significant self-esteem wound because they are all encompassing. Such names are labels. They inaccurately define the person.

For example, I might say that I’m sitting in a chair. I use the word “chair” to label the object. In this case, the label is correct. The object is a chair in every way. The label is entirely accurate. No problem.

But, what if I call you a failure? In that instant, I have used the label to define you. That label suggests that you are, in every way, a failure. It says that you fail in everything you do. It hurts.

Most of us would never think of calling another person such negative names. You wouldn’t even consider calling anyone an idiot or a loser. You wouldn’t ever tell someone that they were fat or ugly. Yet, you may do it every day if you say such things to yourself.

What do you call yourself? In your mind, do you ever call yourself negative names? Do you ever use the label fat, ugly, stupid or failure to define yourself? Do you do it without thinking about the impact?

In cognitive therapy, calling yourself names in your mind is called “labeling.” It wounds the self-esteem and can worsen depression and anxiety. It hurts.

You may intellectually realize that the label isn’t always true (No one is a failure at everything) but your self-esteem hears it as if it is true. The name creates an overall impression. The damage is done.

Monitor your thinking for name calling, or labeling. Try to replace the damaging name with a more moderate statement. For example, rather than calling yourself a failure, acknowledge that you failed at the one task. Don’t say anything to yourself that you would not say to a friend or loved one.