Monthly Archives: April 2013

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Are You a Mind Reader?

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Do you believe that Imageyou are a mind reader? Do you assume what others are thinking or feeling? Do you react to your assumptions as if they are fact? Do you believe with all your being that you are right in those assumptions? Are your moods determined by your mind reading?

If you are honest with yourself, you will have to answer yes to all the above questions. It is a rare human being that has attained that degree of wisdom, self-discipline or enlightenment required to never assume another’s thoughts or feelings. When you assume other’s thoughts, intentions or feelings without having all the facts, you are mind reading.

So, let’s start with the admission that we all do mind reading. We observe another’s facial expression and assume that he or she is angry or displeased with us. We see someone hesitate when we voice an invitation and assume that they don’t really want to spend time with us. We notice a tone of voice or inflection and believe the person is irritated, disapproving or displeased. We observe apparent distance and conclude that they don’t love us (or at least don’t love us as much as we love them).

Our mind reading assumptions allow us to fill in the missing information in our social interactions, but is it accurate information or misinformation? How often are our mind reading assumptions simply wrong? Inaccurate mind reading assumptions may fill our emotional sails, pushing us forward quickly, but unfortunately pushing us off course. We make decisions and choices based on our assumptions. If the assumptions are wrong, the choices will also be wrong.

When we make mind reading assumptions, we do so based on our expectations. We could have expectations based on the particular individual’s prior behavior. For example, if Uncle Henry has tended to be critical in the past, we assume that the ambiguous statement he made today was said with critical intent.

We may also have expectations based on our prior experiences with other people. If Cindy felt rejected in her previous high school, she will expect to be rejected at the new high school. If Jeff’s parents were critical and difficult-to-please, he may perceive his current supervisors to be critical and displeased with him.

The correct answer to the question about what someone is thinking is “I don’t know” because that is the truth. When we assume we know another’s thoughts or feelings, we act on those assumptions and we close the door to other possibilities. When we remind ourselves that we actually don’t know what they are thinking, we leave the doors open for all possibilities.

Try to catch yourself doing mind reading. Remind yourself that you don’t actually know what they are thinking. I believe you will find this simple practice to be helpful in your relationships and your personal mental health.

Question: When are you most guilty of mind reading? Do you have an example of a time when you assumed what someone was thinking or feeling and then found out that you were very wrong?

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Improve Self-Esteem by Embracing Your Incompetence

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Image     Someone asked me yesterday how self-esteem will be affected by areas of genuine weakness. If you are like me, you have some things you don’t do well; areas where you aren’t talented or particularly competent. Does recognizing your true weaknesses indicate that you don’t have a good self-esteem, or does doing so harm your self-esteem?

Of course, everyone has weaknesses. We all have things we do poorly; areas where our skills are inferior to others. It’s just reality.

For example, I’m a really poor speller. When I was teaching at university level, I had to think ahead as I wrote on the board. If I couldn’t recall how to spell a word that I was about to write, I came up with a different word. Occasionally, however, my efforts failed and I misspelled a word during a lecture. My students seemed to take pleasure in pointing out my mistake, but it really didn’t bother me. I would just correct the word, sometimes joke about the mistake, and go on. I readily admitted that I was a poor speller. Thank goodness we now have spellcheck. Now, hopefully someone will develop spellcheck for classroom boards.

Your self-esteem isn’t injured by your weaknesses or mistakes, but it can be wounded by your reactions to them. Reacting to the recognition of a weakness or the discovery of a mistake with thoughts such as, “I can’t do anything right” or “I feel mortified that I made that mistake” or “They think I’m stupid” can lower the self-esteem.

Assuming that others are judging you or criticizing you for your mistakes or weaknesses can also hurt your self-esteem. Those with self-esteem wounds feel ashamed or embarrassed by mistakes seen by others, in that they believe others are thinking they are failures, stupid or losers.

Having a positive self-esteem enables you to accept the fact that, as a human being, you do have strengths and weaknesses. Like all other humans, you have weaknesses. You can’t be good at everything.

Whenever we begin a new task, one that we have never attempted, we begin with incompetence. We don’t know what we’re doing. We haven’t developed the skill. A positive self-esteem allows you to accept the fact that you will not be good at any task in the beginning. When you try something for the first time, you will probably do it poorly. You may continue to perform poorly the first few times you do it. In the beginning, you will be incompetent. This is normal. You need to embrace your incompetency. Enjoy the process of learning something new. Have fun with yourself, as you learn. To become a master at anything, you must be able to tolerate your early incompetence. Accept it. Embrace it as your first step toward mastery. Enjoy the journey!

Question: How do you embrace your incompetence?