I once heard a psychologist say that people can be divided into two personality types: onion people and garlic people. He said onion people are like an onion. If you eat an onion, it can have a strong taste. It can cause heartburn and indigestion. It can cause discomfort or pain to the one eating it, but onion breath isn’t too bad. If you eat garlic, it doesn’t have a strong taste. It doesn’t usually cause heartburn or indigestion. Garlic causes no discomfort or pain to the one eating it, but garlic breath reeks.

The psychologist said that onion people tend to be very hard on themselves. Onion people cause pain to themselves, but they work very hard to avoid hurting anyone else. On the other hand, garlic people are never hard on themselves. Garlic people cause no pain for themselves, but they hurt everyone around them. They take no blame but are quick to place the blame on others. You can usually identify those people in your life that are onion people and those that are garlic people.

We have to respond to onion people and garlic people differently. The nicer you are to an onion person, the nicer they will be to you. If you are kind to them, they will usually respond with kindness.

You can’t deal with a garlic person in the same way. A garlic person treats people with respect if they stand up to them. They treat a person well only when they sense the person will put up with nothing less. When a garlic person encounters people who have trouble standing up for themselves, they will crush them. They show no respect for them. The harder one tries to please a garlic person, the worse the garlic person treats him.

Let’s consider a (fictional) couple, Pete and Melinda, who exemplified the concept of an onion person with a garlic person. In the beginning, she acted like he was wonderful. He said they dated for two years and rarely had an argument. All that seemed to change after the marriage.

Pete said that he never seemed to please his wife, Melinda. At first, she was simply critical of his chores around the house. She wanted the grass cut in a certain pattern and he never seemed to get it right. She said he didn’t know how to fold clothes and couldn’t clean adequately. He tried to listen to her directives and do better but never did anything quite right.

After a time, she began to complain about their house being small and his not making enough money. She compared him to other men in their circle of friends and pointed out how they provided better than he. She even called him a loser and a failure at times. Melinda was a garlic person.

Pete was in an emotional trap. He had believed himself to be inadequate long before he married Melinda, and her verbal abuse simply worsened the wound. His response to each criticism was to try harder. He was very hard on himself but did everything he could to avoid hurting Melinda. He said he came in to see me to find out what was wrong with him. Pete was clearly an onion person. He wanted me to tell him how he could improve so that she would be pleased with him.

I told him that I couldn’t do that. I told him that Melinda’s criticism was a problem within her and not the result of his inadequacy. I told him that I would help him learn to be assertive with her and that I would work with both if she wanted to accompany him to a session. Unfortunately, she refused to come in with him.

I think, with a little reflection, you will be able to identify onion and garlic people at some points in your life. Remember, as difficult as it may be, you must be assertive with a garlic person to have any hope of a better relationship.