We’ve all heard the phrase, “Don’t judge a man unless you have walked in his shoes.” It reminds us that we can’t know or judge another person’s choices or actions unless we haven’t been in his situation. It is a good idea. Keeps us from being quite so judgmental.

Today, I want to recommend a different version. Consider this version, “Don’t judge yourself until you have put someone else in your shoes.”

Every day, I meet people who judge themselves harshly. They treat their mistakes as horrible, and worse, unforgivable. They get mad at themselves when they mess up. They criticize themselves harshly in their minds. Sometimes their self-talk borders on self-abuse.

Also, there doesn’t seem to be an end to their self-judgment. The mistake may have occurred yesterday, or many years ago. It doesn’t matter. Their self-judgment for the mistake is constant over time. I sometimes ask them exactly how long their sentence is. I’ve seen murderers get off with shorter sentences. These self-critical people have no date for parole or release.

To put our mistakes in better perspective, I ask these people to imagine putting someone else in their shoes. I ask them to identify a person in their mind that they like and respect, but someone they could imagine possibly being in their situation.

I ask them to imagine that this person was in their exact situation. Imagine that they made the exact same mistake, under the exact same circumstances. Then, imagine that they felt the same remorse or self-criticism; same situation, same mistake, same reaction to the mistake.

I then ask them how they would judge the person in their mind. Not what they would say to the person, because they might be nice or kind, but what they would think in their mind.

Almost immediately, they will say that they would judge the other person less harshly. They would usually see the mistake as less catastrophic, and they would see it as more easily forgivable. They would see it as just a mistake.

Our judgment of the other person more accurately reflects our true assessment of the situation. It isn’t biased by our tendencies to be hard on ourselves. This exercise helps us put our mistakes or deficits in better perspective.

I have used this technique with myself most of my adult life. Whenever I make a mistake, I put someone else in my shoes, and ask myself how I would judge them. I don’t let myself be any harsher with myself or any easier on myself than I would the other person. It has helped me many times. Try it and see how it works for you.