Category Archives: bullied

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The Anatomy of a Bully

Bullying behaviors should not be tolerated at any age.

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We’ve always had them with us. Every child in every school has felt the pain of being bullied.bullying behavior Every child has also watched as the bully tortures another victim. About one-in-four students in the US are bullied on a regular basis.

 

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior, in which someone repeatedly and intentionally causes another person discomfort or injury. Bullying can take the form of verbal attacks, subtle gestures or physical aggression. The victim usually does nothing to cause the bullying and can do nothing to defend himself or herself.

 

The bully often performs the aggressive actions in front of others in order to create a “mob” mentality. Others will sometimes join in on the bullying to boost their own social position or at least divert any attacks from themselves. Bullying behaviors can often boost popularity. In fact, research shows that bullies are often perceived as the “cool kids.”

 

About 77 percent of bullying is verbal. It can take the form of spreading rumors, making derogatory remarks, calling names or teasing. About 14 percent of victims have more severe reactions to being bullied, including lowered self-esteem, depression, anxiety about going to school, and suicidal thoughts. Bullying victims are 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims. A British study found that at least half of suicides among young people were related to having been bullied.

 

So, why do some people become bullies? For years, the prevailing belief was that bullies really suffered from a low self-esteem. More recent research concludes that most bullies actually have a high self-esteem, seeing themselves as superior to their victims. They do, however, seem to have a higher vulnerability to feeling shame, or being shame-prone. A person can have problems with shame and still have a high self-esteem, and this is what makes the person act like a bully. These kids disown their own shame and try to place that shame on other kids. These kids are also skilled at triggering the emotion of shame in others.

 

Research shows that the frequency of bullying behaviors decreases as children grow up, with most bullying incidents occurring between sixth and tenth grades. As we mature, most of us learn more healthy ways to interact, and finally realize the destructive power of bullying.

 

Unfortunately, not all bullies grow out of the behavior. We see, all too often, bullying behaviors in adults. We see adults spreading rumors, making derogatory remarks, name calling or teasing. We see adults exhibiting aggressive behaviors toward people who have lesser power, and have trouble defending themselves. We see adults exhibiting bullying behaviors in public, apparently trying to generate the mob mentality noted above.

 

Regardless of age, bullying is wrong. It is destructive and damaging and has no redeeming value. It reflects our most primitive nature. When we ignore, tolerate, or worse, praise the bully, we risk sinking to the same level. When bullying behaviors are recognized for what they are and are no longer tolerated, they lose their power. In schools, as in adult life, we need to demonstrate an attitude of intolerance for all forms of bullying behavior.

 

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King of the Hill

Kids and adults sometimes try to boost their social status by putting others down. It doesn't have to be that way.

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In the days before video games, kids spent more time outside. They had to be creative in finding ways to occupy themselves. They sometimes created their own games. One suchchildren teasing another child game was “King of the Hill.”

 

In this game, kids would gather at the bottom of a hill. Someone would yell “go,” and everyone would race to the top. The goal was to be the one standing at the top of the hill at the end of the game. There were two ways to win the game. You could win by being the fastest one up the hill. Most often, you won by pulling anyone ahead of you backwards.

 

As you can imagine, the game could get pretty rough. Some kids would be running up the hill, while others were rolling back down. You knew you were in trouble when you felt someone grabbing the back of your shirt.

 

Unfortunately, this game is still played today, just in a different way. It’s played every day in school. Kids will put other kids down in an attempt to elevate their social standing. They try to look cool or gain popularity by teasing, gossiping, or tearing down another kid.

 

Kids want to fit in. They are acutely sensitive to their social standing. When they tease another kid, their desire to gain popularity blinds them to the pain felt by the victim. The target of their barb simply becomes collateral damage, at they strive to get further up the social hill.

 

Of course, not every child plays the game. The child with a good self-esteem doesn’t have to play. In fact, I believe that those children with the deepest self-esteem wounds play the game most viciously.

 

Some kids avoid the game because of their strong sense of empathy. They imagine the pain of the victim, and refuse to attack, even if their own social standing is compromised. They look for a different way to deal with the social battle.

 

It would be nice if the game were restricted to childhood. Unfortunately, adults sometimes play their own version. We play through gossip, which serves to make us feel better, through the denigration of another. We also play by comparison. We tend to feel better when our stuff is bigger, newer or more expensive than others. In some settings, people still play through direct teasing, oddly reminiscent of sixth grade dramatics.

 

It would be nice if the victims of this game could realize that their attackers play out of their own insecurities or self-esteem wounds. It would be great if players could pause the game long enough to feel empathy for their victims, and look for a healthier way to boost their own self-esteem. We would all be better off if we realized that there is room at the top of the hill for everyone.

 

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The Connection Between Non-Assertiveness and Depression

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Research has shown a relationship between non-assertiveness and depression. The studies indicated that people whocouple_talking_nicely are generally non-assertive are more likely to get depressed than others who are assertive. Assertiveness has been defined as behavior that enables people to act in their own best interests by expressing their thoughts and feelings directly and honestly.

Lets look at the definitions of non-assertiveness, assertiveness and aggressiveness. When we are non-assertive, we honor the other person’s rights, but don’t honor our own rights. When we’re aggressive, we honor our own rights, while trampling on the other person’s rights. When we’re assertive, we honor our own rights, while also honoring the other person’s rights.

In my counseling, I have seen many people who were experiencing depression that was either caused or worsened by an inability to be assertive. The client had allowed others to treat her badly, and was unable to stand up for herself. Over time, the pain and perceived helplessness of the situation led to clinical depression. Like the old idea of Chinese water torture, the drip, drip, drip of being mistreated, without self-defense took it toll.

There are many reasons that people have difficulty being assertive. We will look at several of them here.

1. There is a fear that the other person will get angry. In most cases, this isn’t a fear of physical violence, but rather, a fear of the anger itself. The non-assertive person may have experienced intense or inappropriate anger from a parental figure during childhood. The child associated danger with the anger. That association is maintained in the adult. Even though the victim will readily admit that they are not afraid of violence from the other person, they experience fear and anxiety, as if violence was a risk.

2. The non-assertive person fears disapproval from the other person. In this case, the focus is on the risk of disappointing the other person. No action is necessary. Just a disappointing look, or an anticipated loss of respect can keep the victim silent.

3. Sometimes the non-assertive person has a fear of “being mean.” This individual fears hurting the other person or inconveniencing them. These are the classic “people pleasers.” They work very hard to be nice, even if it means sacrificing their own needs.

4. The person’s self-esteem may be so low, that he feels he has no right to be assertive. He upholds others rights to defend their needs, but doesn’t feel he has the same rights.

This isn’t a comprehensive list of causes, and you may relate somewhat to them all. Changing from non-assertive behaviors to assertive behaviors can be difficult. It begins with small things. State your opinion in areas where you anticipate less resistance. At first, be assertive with people you feel will be more receptive. Practice the behavior.

You will be uncomfortable at first. You will feel anxiety and may be uncertain about whether you have the right to be assertive in a particular situation. Try this little mind experiment. Imagine a friend or loved one in the exact same situation as you are experiencing. Put them in your shoes. Would they have a right to be assertive if they were in this situation? Would you want them to stand up for themselves? If so, then you should be assertive as well. Practice the behavior you would want your friend to exhibit.

So, what if you are assertive and the other person resists, argues with or ignores your requests? You will have to be “persistently assertive,” meaning that you maintain you position, stating your disagreement calmly but confidently.

Also, don’t be surprised if the other person accuses you of being selfish or mean. When others are accustomed to you being non-assertive, going along, and never disagreeing, they will perceive you as mean or overly negative when you stand your ground. You may just have to push through this hurdle. Over time, they will get used to your assertive moments and actually see it as within your rights.

Learning to be assertive is a gradual process. You begin with the realization that you have the right to be assertive. Then you practice the behavior in less intimidating situations. Gradually, you state your mind in more difficult circumstances. Eventually, you will be able to be assertive without even realizing it.

 

Question: What other reasons come to mind for non-assertive behaviors? Share them here.

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From Bullied to Beautiful

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Shane Koyczan at TED Conference

Shane Koyczan at TED Conference

You have to watch this TED talk by Shane Koyczan. He addresses so many aspects of self-esteem with humor and passion. We have to do more to address the hurts inflicted during childhood, and the subsequent wounds carried through adulthood.

Click on this link to watch:

http://new.ted.com/talks/shane_koyczan_to_this_day_for_the_bullied_and_beautiful

Comments: Please share your thoughts on Shane’s talk and ideas about ways we can better address these issues.