Category Archives: cognitive therapy

Posted on

Are You a Fortune Teller?

We often add to our stress by imagining the worst in our future.

by

This article is part of a series on types of negative thinking and their impact on self-esteem and relationships. The types of negative thinking are at the core of Cognitive/Behavioral Psychotherapy, and presented in “The Feeling Good Handbook” by Dr. David Burns.

Do you believe in Fortune Tellers? Do you pay money to get your palm read or your future predicted by the cards? You may not believe that others can do it, but you may believe in your own clairvoyant abilities.

Actually, we all do it at times. We imagine some future outcome and then act as if it’s a done deal. We picture the fortune teller errorevent in our mind. We feel the emotions that we would feel if it occurred.

If the imagined future event is negative, which it often is, we experience the rapid heartbeat, quickened breathing, and muscle tension, as if it was already happening. We experience the tragedy that hasn’t happened.

We may imagine future tragedies because we mistakenly feel that it will prepare us for the worst possibilities. It seems that we will fare better if we brace ourselves for the impact. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work.

Imagine that you’re waiting for the results of a biopsy. The mass could be cancer or a benign tumor. You find yourself imagining that the mass is cancer. You visualize hearing the bad news, going through chemotherapy, and perhaps even dying. You imagine the worst. Your muscles tense, your heart races and your breathing quickens. You feel fear and grief.

If you later receive news that the tumor was benign, you have experienced fear, grief and pain for nothing. How many times has this happened to you? How many of the negative events of your life never actually happened?

If you get the unfortunate news that the mass is cancer, you will have to deal with it. You will experience fear, grief and pain. It won’t be lessened by the fact that you imagined the worst before you heard. You won’t be any more prepared.

The Fortune Teller Error can hurt you in other ways. Imagining failure in school may keep you from applying. Imagining rejection at a party may keep you from attending. Imagining a negative response to a question may keep you from ever asking it.

Reminds me of a story. Kevin ran out of sugar, and decided to walk next door and borrow a cup from his neighbor, Joe. He grabbed an empty cup and headed out the door. He realized it was a little late, and wondered if Joe might be in bed. He then imagined that Joe might be upset with him for bothering him. He pictured Joe chastising him for being rude. He then remembered the times he had loaned Joe things, and felt anger that Joe could possibly refuse such a simple request as a cup of sugar. As he arrived at Joe’s house, the door opened. Joe smiled and said “Hi Kevin, how are you?” Kevin shouted back, “Just keep your stupid sugar!” and marched back home.

Watch out for the Fortune Teller Error. It may rob you of more than a simple cup of sugar.

Posted on

Disqualifying the Positives of Life

The tendency to downplay or negate compliments or accomplishments can hurt your self-esteem.

by

This article is part of a series on types of negative thinking and their impact on self-esteem and relationships. The types of negative thinking are at the core of Cognitive/Behavioral Psychotherapy, and presented in “The Feeling Good Handbook” by Dr. David Burns.

What do you say when someone pays you a compliment? If you’re like many, you say something to downplay it like, “It wasn’t much” or “I got it on clearance” or “I just got lucky.”

You may feel that your response was simply an attempt to appear humble or modest. You may believe that anyDisqualifying the positive. response that acknowledges the accomplishment or agrees with the complement would appear conceited or proud. You may be right.

But, what do you think in your head when you hear the compliment? Do you downplay the compliment in your mind as well? Do you minimize the accomplishment or positive attribute in your thinking? Do you find a way to negate the positive so that it somehow doesn’t count?

Compare your reaction to a compliment with your reaction to a criticism. Do you downplay the criticism? I suspect not. Most people replay, analyze and long remember criticisms or failures. Not so much with compliments.

For most of us, this has been a lifelong habit. We’re totally unaware that we’re doing it. We don’t recognize the impact. The effect is subtle, but powerful.

Think of your self-esteem as a bank savings account. When you internally recognize a positive attribute, an accomplishment or a success, you make a deposit. When you experience a criticism, a weakness or a failure, you make a withdrawal. When your withdrawals exceed your deposits, your self-esteem account becomes overdrawn. Your “insufficient funds” notice may come in the form of depression, anxiety, helplessness or loss of motivation.

You may argue that you just don’t have any positives to deposit. You feel that your negatives simply outweigh your positives. This belief just illustrates a powerful aspect of perception.

You see, when you downplay a positive experience, you soon forget it. It escapes your awareness, as if it never happened. If reminded, you may recall the event, but it feels small and unimportant. It fades into the background. It never gets deposited into your account.

A healthy self-esteem is an accurate one. The individual recognizes his strengths and his weaknesses. He doesn’t see himself as better than others. He sees himself as being equal with all other human beings, who have strengths and weaknesses.

Recognition of his positive traits, helps him deal more effectively with his negative ones. He works on his weaknesses, but doesn’t allow them to define him. His failures hurt him, but don’t crush him.

Make a conscious attempt to acknowledge your strengths. Consider your positive traits. Enjoy your successes. It may feel odd, conceited or proud at first, but you’ll get used to it.

Think about it this way. What would you want for your children? Would you want them to negate their strengths or accomplishments, or would you want them to recognize both their positives and their negatives? Wouldn’t the same attitude work for you?

 

Posted on

Do You Have Selective Attention?

Your focus of attention can have a big impact on your mood, your self-esteem, and your life.

by

This article is part of a series on types of negative thinking and their impact on self-esteem and relationships. The types of negative thinking are at the core of Cognitive/Behavioral Psychotherapy, and presented in “The Feeling Good Handbook” by Dr. David Burns.

Imagine that you have just received an annual job evaluation. Almost every item or comment was positive, even above average. But, there was one negative statement, with the label, “needs improvement.” You were pleased withselective attention the positives, but where did you focus your attention? Which item lingered in your thoughts?

If you’re like most, you paid most attention to the negative statement, and remembered it the longest. You may have allowed that one criticism to ruin your overall satisfaction with the evaluation.

There is some benefit to doing this. We need to pay enough attention to the negative to address it properly. We need to work on our weaknesses.

We actually seem to be hardwired to pay attention to the negative. Such a tendency would have helped our caveman ancestors survive. While walking through the jungle, he would fare better by noticing the sound of a predator behind him, than by focusing his attention on the pretty flowers by the path.

But, we often take this negative focus of attention too far. We focus attention on our problems, while ignoring our blessings. We ruminate over our failings, and forget about our successes. We worry about our weaknesses, and minimize our strengths. David Burns, MD labeled this tendency “mental filter,” suggesting that we filter the positives out of our awareness, while letting in the negatives.

As a boy, I liked Cracker Jacks. The caramel popcorn always came with a prize. I remember one prize that contained a white card covered with red and blue curved lines. It just looked like a mess. But, it came with a sheet of red cellophane and a sheet of blue cellophane. If you placed the red cellophane on the card, the red lines disappeared and the blue lines stood out, forming a picture. If you put the blue cellophane on the card, the blue lines disappeared and the red lines stood out, forming a different picture.

Imagine the red lines to be the bad things in your life, and the blue lines to be the good things. Everyone’s life contains both bad and good. What you see, what you notice, is determined by the filter you use. If you focus on the negatives in your life, or in yourself, that is what you will see, and everything else will disappear. If you notice on the positives, you will enjoy your blessings, and a more positive self-image. You will be happier.

Try to be more aware of your focus of attention. Notice your filter. If you recognize that you have a negative focus of attention, make a deliberate effort to change. Make it a habit to count your blessings. Remind yourself of your successes, or positive traits. It won’t be easy, because our focus of attention is so automatic. It’s an old habit. So, be persistent in your efforts. I think you’ll find it to be worthwhile.

Posted on

Overgeneralization

Using words like always and never can hurt our self-esteem and our relationships.

by

This article is part of a series on types of negative thinking and their impact on self-esteem and relationships. The types of negative thinking are at the core of Cognitive/Behavioral Psychotherapy, and presented in “The Feeling Good Handbook” by Dr. David Burns.

We all experience negative events. Everyone makes mistakes and lives with some negative traits or characteristics.overgeneralization It’s part of the human experience.

We exhibit overgeneralization thinking when we react to a negative experience with thoughts such as, “This always happens to me” or “I can’t do anything right.” We perceive a singular negative experience as if it is the rule.

Overgeneralization can be applied to ourselves, as in “I always mess up” or to our circumstances, as in “Things never work out for me” or to others, as in “They’re all lazy.” Regardless of the application, such thinking is inaccurate and destructive.

When pressed, we usually acknowledge that overgeneralization isn’t entirely accurate. We don’t always mess up. We can do some things right. Sometimes, things actually do work out for us. Just not as often as we would like. And, no group of people are universally lazy.

We may intellectually know the truth, but overgeneralization still hurts. When we make such statements in our thinking, we feel as if they are true. We feel the same frustration, self-criticism or anger that we would feel if they were true.

The brain is a bit like a computer; garbage in – garbage out. True or false, accurate or inaccurate, our brains react to our thoughts, as they are stated. Thus, having the thought “I can’t do anything right” creates the same feelings as if we actually couldn’t do anything right. We feel beaten down.

Overgeneralization also has a major impact on our relationships. Thinking of your spouse in terms like “He never does anything for me” or “She always puts me down” can set a tone for the relationship that is difficult to overcome. Again, you may intellectually know that the statement is not entirely accurate, but the damage is done. And when the statements are spoken out loud, we respond, usually appropriately, with defensiveness.

Be careful about any statement that includes the terms “never” or “always.” They’re usually inaccurate, and can do significant damage to our self-esteem, our views on life, and our relationships.

Posted on

All-Or-Nothing Thinking

Expectations of perfection can damage our self-esteem or our relationships.

by

Today, I’m starting a series of articles about various forms of negative thinking, and the ways each impacts our lives and our self-esteem. These negative thinking patterns have been a core component of Cognitive/Behavioralperfectionism Psychotherapy for many years. Dr. David Burns did a nice job of defining them in his book, “The Feeling Good Handbook.” I would recommend Dr. Burns book to anyone who wants to understand more about Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy in general or the negative thinking patterns in particular. It can be found on Amazon and in most book stores.

In this article, we’ll look at All-Or-Nothing Thinking, which can also be called perfectionism. All-Or-Nothing thinking occurs when we believe that something must be exactly the way we want or expect it to be, and that nothing less is acceptable. This thinking pattern can be applied to ourselves, to our life situations or to our judgment of someone else. I also call this thinking pattern, light switch thinking, because the light is either on or off. There is no in between.

When applied to ourselves, all-or-nothing thinking reflects perfectionism. We feel that our performance must meet our standards exactly, or it is totally unacceptable. Anything less than an A grade is awful. The paper must not have any mistakes or corrections. We can’t make any errors, or we are terrible. We beat ourselves up whenever we mess up, even in a minor way. We expect performance from ourselves, that we would never expect from anyone else.

The problem with this is that it is an impossible expectation. As humans, we are imperfect. We mess up. We make mistakes. Holding ourselves to an impossible standard only results in our feeling inadequate. As a result, we feel pain, pressure and stress.

When we apply all-or-nothing thinking to our life situations, we get upset whenever circumstances fail to live up to our expectations. We imagine an outcome or an experience, then get angry or depressed when it doesn’t occur the way we planned.

Again, such expectations are doomed to fail, since each life is filled with some disappointment. Life just doesn’t happen as we would like. The dream must be adjusted to fit the reality. To be happy or content, we have to learn to accept our life, even if it doesn’t conform to our dream.

When we apply all-or-nothing thinking to other people, we tend to become an unrealistic taskmaster. We become upset with others, because they fall short of our expectations. We maintain that they “should” have done better. They should have done it our way. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never found this kind of thinking to work very well.

Now, there is nothing wrong with striving for self-improvement, setting goals for our life, or expecting others to treat us well. We just run into problems whenever we are perfectionistic about it.  If you find yourself having all-or-nothing thinking, try to ease up a bit. Consider the option of “good enough,” rather than perfect. See if it doesn’t make life a bit easier.

Posted on

Ten Negative Consequences of Self-Esteem Wounds

A self-esteem wound can impact the victim in many different ways.

by

Most would agree that a low self-esteem is harmful to the individual, but we may not realize that self-esteem woundsdepressed_man_001 can present themselves in many forms. People rarely come to see me complaining of low self-esteem, but they often come in because of the results of low self-esteem.

 

Self-esteem wounds can be the driving force behind many psychological difficulties. Here are a few.

 

  1. Depression:

    There are several types of depression. Some are primarily cause by a chemical imbalance, and can be inherited. Most depression, however, is brought about by negative life experiences, and negative thinking patterns. Self-criticism fuels depression. The individual is bombarded by negative thoughts about himself, and negative thoughts about his future. Treating depression usually requires helping the person alter negative thinking patterns. When the self-esteem improves, so does the depression.

  2. Anxiety:

    Self-esteem wounds often come in the form of inadequacy feelings. The person doesn’t feel prepared to deal with difficult life tasks, and anticipates failure. Everything begins to feel overwhelming. Anxiety is the natural result.

  3. Social Anxiety:

    This is when a person feels anxious in social situations. She assumes that others are judging her, and is afraid of saying the wrong thing or not being able to say anything. She assumes that others are better than she, are more comfortable in social situations, and therefore, are judging her inadequacies. With treatment, she learns to see herself as equal to others, thus lessening the social anxiety.

  4. Withdrawal:

    Similar to social anxiety, here the person avoids interactions with others. He may withdraw because of a fear of judgment, or simply because he no longer enjoys social interaction. He may see himself as less competent than others, or as less likeable or important. Assuming that he will not be liked, he avoids occasions where rejection is possible.

  5. Irritability and Temper Outbursts:

    When the person perceives herself as inadequate, she may assume that others are judging her. Her reaction may be anger. When she perceives herself as unlovable or unlikeable, she may perceive rejection even when it isn’t there. Her reaction to the perceived rejection may also be anger.

  6. Poor Relationship Choices:

    It may sound strange, but people tend to find themselves in relationships, that deepen their self-esteem wounds. The abused girl often grows up to marry the abusive man. The rejected boy is often attracted to the distant woman. The criticized boy often marries an overly critical wife. These choices are unconscious, but are common results of self-esteem wounds.

  7. Arrogant Behaviors:

    This one may surprise some people. We usually assume that someone who displays arrogant behaviors actually thinks too much of themselves. While this may be true at times, most arrogant people are actually compensating or hiding insecurities. They see themselves as less than others and try to hide that by bragging or acting like they are better than others.

  8. Underachievement:

    People with self-esteem wounds will not pursue opportunities as frequently. They doubt themselves. They expect failure, so they don’t attempt things. They dismiss their dreams because they think they are possible.

  9. Overachievement:

    This may sound strange, but some people with low self-esteem put too much effort into achievement. They sacrifice everything to succeed. They try to succeed to prove their former critics wrong. Such attempts are like pouring water into a bucket with a hold in the bottom. No matter how much you pour in, it never gets full. No amount of success will heal an inadequacy self-esteem wound.

 

The list could go on. Self-esteem wounds impact people in many ways. You may have seen yourself or a loved one in this list. If so, take steps to address the wounds. Self-esteem wounds can be healed with time, treatment and persistence.

 

Comments: Can you think of any other consequences of self-esteem wounds? Please share!

Posted on

The Hidden Nature of Self-Esteem Wounds

Your Assumptions About Other's Self-Esteem May Be Wrong.

by

There are several common stereotypes regarding self-esteem issues. Our misperceptions can hamper our ability tohappy_people effectively address such issues in ourselves or in those we love. Let’s examine some common self-esteem stereotypes.

 

Some imagine an individual with low self-esteem frequently verbalizing self-critical, or self-derogatory statements, while avoiding eye contact, and sitting in a corner.  We also tend to imagine a certain physical appearance. We might picture an unattractive person in plain attire, slumping and walking with a shuffle.

 

We often assume that we would be able to recognize a low self-esteem from external appearances. We assume that very attractive people automatically have a good self-esteem. We assume that success, high paying jobs, or high status positions reflect confidence and feelings of self-worth. We assume that outgoing, talkative people are socially comfortable and that they have a good self-esteem. These assumptions are often wrong.

 

In fact, you would be quite surprised if you knew the self-esteem wounds carried by some of the people around you. There are probably some people you think you know well, co-workers, fellow students, even people you admire, who suffer silently from self-esteem wounds. Despite their admirable traits or accomplishments, their minds are filled with self-criticism or self-doubt. Some may have even experienced early life trauma or abuse beyond your imagination.

 

Of course, many people have a fairly healthy self-esteem. They see themselves as equal to other human beings. They recognize that they have strengths and weaknesses, but accept themselves. They are able to maintain a good balance between striving for improvement and being comfortable with who they are now.

 

So, how do you tell the difference? How can you tell whether a person has a good or poor self-esteem? That’s the point. You can’t. Don’t assume. The only correct answer is that you don’t know.

 

When you recognize the fact that you can’t know another’s experience, struggle or heart, you are slower to judge. You may find it easier to be kind. You will be less likely to compare yourself to them. When you recognize that others, like you, are fellow travelers on this life journey, you may feel more connected, more comfortable in your own skin.

Comments: What are some other ways that we tend to misjudge other’s self-esteem?

Posted on

Motivation by the Carrot or the Stick

Does reward or punishment work better as a self-motivation?

by

Do you tend to use a carrot or a stick on yourself? This idiom refers to the idea that a cart driver can use a carrot or amotivation by reward or punishment stick to motivate a horse to move forward, thus pulling the cart. The horse will either move forward by the enticement of the carrot, or by the avoidance of punishment via the stick.

Research suggests that some people are more responsive to reward and others more responsive to punishment. Interestingly, it seems that genetics may determine which works better for you. Some people are genetically more responsive to dopamine, while others are more responsive to serotine, and this seems to make the difference.

Research also suggests, however, that punishment can create unexpected and unwanted outcomes. Sometimes punishment can backfire by actually increasing the undesired behavior, creating negative emotions or increasing aggression.

The impact of the carrot or stick choice can really be seen when we are trying to motivate ourselves. We can motivate ourselves by setting up rewards for getting tasks done. For example, we might give ourselves a night out as a reward for cleaning out a closet.

We can also reward ourselves by imagining or visualizing the natural positive consequences of working hard and completing a task. I did this during graduate school, as I imagined myself enjoying working in my private practice, as a motivation to work hard on my doctoral studies. It really did work to keep me going during the hard times.

People use punishment on themselves when they put themselves down or criticize themselves for poor performance. They beat themselves up, and claim this is necessary to make them try harder. It almost never works, and reminds me of the old poster saying, “The beatings in this company will continue until morale improves.”

So today, watch your thinking to see whether you use a carrot or stick on yourself. Consider the possibility that your self-punishment is actually hurting your performance. Try visualizing the positive results when you accomplish a task, or promising yourself a pleasurable activity for task success. I think you’ll find that it works better as a motivation, and doesn’t damage your self-esteem.

 

Comments: Please share some of your experiences with the motivators of reward and punishment.

Posted on

Making Yourself Happy

You have more control over your mood than you think.

by

Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

                                                                       Abraham Lincoln

 

How happy are you today? How happy are you most days? Do you tend to go through your days with a sense of well-being or joy, or do you tend to move from one problem to another in your mind?Abraham_Lincoln

 

Research, and common sense, suggest that we have more influence over our happiness than we think. We can increase our feelings of happiness if we are deliberate about it. Most of the time, we can improve our mood if we make the effort.

 

Now, I want to be clear that I’m not referring to clinical depression here. The disease of depression is a physical and mental disorder, which requires treatment. You can’t just snap out of depression. Even in depression, however, you can sometimes improve your mood, with effort. You can’t just decide to make it go away.

 

I’m referring to our day-to-day moods when depression is not a factor. In these situations, we can shift our mood if we try.  We don’t have perfect control over our mood, but we do have more control than we think.

 

Have you ever noticed that your mood one day might be pretty positive, and another day be down and out. Did you notice that your life situation might have been exactly the same on both days? It wasn’t your circumstances that determined your mood, it was your thinking, your perspective or your outlook. One day you thought negatively about yourself or your life, and the other day your thoughts were more positive.

 

So let’s imagine that you listened to the quote from Abraham Lincoln above, and made up your mind to be happy today. You determined this morning to make it a good day. How would you do it? What thoughts would you generate? What thoughts would you avoid? What would you want to notice or focus on?

 

Most likely, you already know the answers to these questions. You would want to deliberately notice or focus on the positive aspects of your life. You would try to avoid obsessing about your problems. You would remind yourself of the things you have to be thankful for. You would make efforts to cheer others up, or make them feel better. You would look for humor. You would get engaged in life activities. You would take the time to notice the beauty of nature. You would remind yourself of the positive traits of those around you, rather than their deficits. You would take the time to do something nice for yourself, or give yourself a little treat, without guilt. You would try to smile more.

 

The problem is not that we don’t know what to do. We just forget to do it. We focus our attention on the negative circumstances in our lives and believe strongly that we can’t feel better as long as those circumstances exist. We believe that we have no choice. We exclaim, “How could I possibly be happier in this situation?”

 

You may be right. Some circumstances are so negative that they do dictate your mood. But most are not.  Everyone has negative and positive circumstances in their lives. If you’re waiting for all your negative circumstances to disappear before you can experience happiness, you will be waiting a long time.

 

What would it take for you to improve your happiness level just one or two notches? Why not give it a try. Be deliberate today about improving your mood. Make up your mind to feel better today. See if Lincoln was on to something.

Comments: What techniques have you found to be helpful in improving your mood?

 

 

Posted on

The Power of Story

The stories you hear and those you tell yourself can change you more than you think.

by

There is a story of two researchers who tried to create a computer that would think like a human brain. They workedstory_telling for years on this project. The human brain is amazingly powerful and complex, so they ended up with several rooms full of computer components as they attempted to match the capacity of one human brain.

The day came for them to test out their project. They typed in a question. The computer hummed for a moment, and they knew they had gotten it right when the computer responded, “You know, that reminds me of a story.”

Humans think in stories. We always have. Through the ages, people have used storytelling to convey culture, history, morals and aspirations.  In today’s world, stories are shared by movies, television programs, you tube videos, and sometimes face-to-face conversations. Even commercials utilize the power of storytelling to sell their wares.

We also tell stories in our heads. We formulate a story of our life; who we are, what we are supposed to do, how the world will treat us and what our future holds. We experience someone else’s behaviors and tell ourselves a story about why they did what they did and what they were feeling at the time. We tend to believe the stories in our heads without question.

We also respond to stories. We are moved by stories. Stories can sometimes change our minds and our hearts. Stories can serve to drive us to greatness or destruction.

People have long said that humans are hardwired for stories, but we are just now seeing clear scientific evidence for why this is true. Dr. Paul Zak, a neuroscientist, has made great strides in illuminating the brain chemistry stimulated by hearing stories. A decade ago, his lab discovered that a brain chemical called Oxytocin is produced when we are trusted or shown kindness, and that this same chemical then motivates us to be more cooperative with others. Recently, they  found that listening to motivational, inspirational or character driven stories stimulates the brain’s release of Oxytocin, and that those with higher Oxytocin production were more likely to donate, or give time, to others. Finally, they were able to locate the areas of the brain that were most changed by stories.

So, choose your stories carefully. Choose the stories you listen to or watch via television or movies. They may change you more than you imagine. Also, choose the stories in your head carefully. The stories you tell yourself about your life, your relationships and your future may change you even more.