The most important things ever said to us are said by our inner selves. Adelaide Bry 
Words are important. They reflect our thinking, but more importantly, they define our thinking. Our choice of words can improve or destroy a relationship; build up or tear down a self-esteem and contribute to our success or failure. Some words, such as “safe” “hope” and “bigot” automatically convey a feeling or an emotion, good or bad. The most important words you choose are the ones you say to yourself in your thoughts. The self-talk of a person with a negative self-esteem is usually filled with harsh, emotion-laden words. Such words deepen the self-esteem wound. They often carry forth an abuse that began in childhood. There is a vast difference between the thought, “I want to lose weight.” and “I’m a fat pig.” The difference is equally vast between the thought, “I failed the test.” and “I’m stupid.” Finally, consider the difference between the thoughts, “I made a mistake.” and “I can’t do anything right.” In each case, the later phrase is harsh, all-encompassing, and self-destructive. Watch the words you think to yourself. Ask yourself if you would say the same words or phrases to another person. Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a friend or loved one. Consider the words you say in your thoughts. The things said by your inner self are truly the most important things you will say. Choose them wisely.
Category Archives: cognitive therapy
The Power Of A Smile
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We often underestimate the power of a smile. It’s so simple and common that we tend to ignore its power, but research evidence suggests that a smile can boost mental and physical health and increase success in relationships and work.
Researchers distinguish between the Duchenne and the non-Duchenne smile, named after the French neurologist, Duchenne de Boulogne who first identified them. The Duchenne smile is genuine, sincere and wholehearted. This smile involves the whole face, particularly the eye muscles. The non-Duchenne smile is more fake, perhaps given as a polite gesture, and just involves the mouth. The Duchenne smile is the one that provides the most benefit.
Some studies suggest that frequent Duchenne smiles are associated with longer life-span. We know that when we smile, our bodies release endorphins, the comfort or feel-good hormones. We also know that frequent smiles tend to lower blood pressure and boost our immune system, making us more resistant to illness.
The physical benefits of a smile are significant, but are far outweighed by the social/ relationship effects. One study suggested that people who smile frequently tend to have lower divorce rates in later life. We communicate and connect through smiles. We encourage others and bond with them.
Many years ago, a retired college professor shared this story. She said that she was in her office the day before that year’s graduation. A young black woman entered her office and said she was graduating the next day and wanted to thank her. The professor didn’t recognize the woman and asked if she had taken her classes, to which the woman replied that she had not. The woman explained that, four years earlier, she had been one of the first black students at the college. She said that, during her freshman year, many there had made her feel unwelcome, and that she was considering dropping out. She said that she passed this professor in the hall on a regular basis, and that the professor often smiled as they passed. The student noted that the professor’s smile made her feel she wanted her to be there. The student reasoned that if one person wanted her there, perhaps there were others. She began to look for, and find, others who welcomed her as a student. She stayed at the college and was graduating the next day, so she wanted to thank the professor for helping her finish.
We never know the power of a small gesture, a smile. You will feel better, and you never know who else you might touch.
Question: Do you have an experience where a smile made a difference? Please share it.
Altering Your Perspective on You
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It’s not what you look at that matters. It’s what you see. Henry David Thoreau
Ever notice how you can look in the mirror one day and think that you don’t look that bad, and the next day look in the same mirror and think you look awful? It’s the same mirror. It’s essentially the same you. The difference between day one and day two isn’t your appearance. It’s your attitude toward yourself.
Your core beliefs, mood and mindset determine your perspective, and that perspective influences your perception. This is true whether you are looking at yourself or your world. Perspective determines what you notice and how you interpret what you see.
Think about those times when you have heard someone, you considered to be very attractive, criticize her appearance. You probably dismissed the self-critical comment as an effort to solicit a compliment or a statement the person actually didn’t believe. You probably argued with the comment, but thought little about it. Consider the possibility that the person really did believe the criticism, and that the statement actually reflected how the person saw herself. Her vision in the mirror was distorted by her negative self-beliefs.
Now, think about the times when you have made a self-critical comment about your own appearance, and a friend argued with your statement. You assumed that their argument was an effort to be kind, and the they actually saw the same defect that you saw. You immediately dismissed the friend’s argument as untruthful or inaccurate. What if the friend was right? What if your perception was the one that was distorted? What if your negative self-beliefs, or your perspective, altered your perception or yourself.
The same process occurs in other areas. Talk to the audience after a debate and you’ll hear proponents of both sides applaud their candidates performance, asserting their side’s victory in the debate. They heard what they wanted to hear, and they heard what they were prepared to hear.
Try to become more aware of your perspective of yourself. In particular, notice the thoughts, interpretations and perceptions that cause you pain or make your life more difficult. Allow yourself to question the validity of those negative perceptions. Was your perspective distorted by earlier negative events? Could you be seeing yourself, your life events, your relationships and your future inaccurately? Could your perspective be wrong? The first step toward changing a negative perspective is awareness. Once you identify a negative, self-destructive perspective, you can begin the day-to-day process of monitoring your thinking and reminding yourself of the truth.
Question: What prior beliefs about yourself have you been able to identify and change for the better? What perceptions would you like to change about yourself?
The Truth About Suicide
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Every life touches so many other lives. Our decisions and actions impact others in ways we can only imagine. We sometimes fail to 
recognize this and assume that our choices will be of little or no consequence to those around us. We’re wrong.
Such assumptions are often made by the depressed person who is considering suicide. Clinical depression is very painful, drastically different from those common, normal times when we feel sad or down. I have heard patients, who suffer with both chronic physical pain and depression, say that the depression is the more painful illness. The thought of continuing to live with such pain often seems unbearable. Dying seems peaceful, an end to the pain. It causes the victim to feel that their current state is permanent, and the thought of years of such existence seems unthinkable. The victim begins to think of a way out.
This illness also tends to isolate. The depressed person tends to withdraw from others. He will often turn down invitations to social activities, preferring to be alone, and often assuming that he won’t be good company. The illness makes the person tend to focus internally, which makes him feel even more separate from everyone else. He feels that he is unimportant, or that he doesn’t belong in this life. Depression distorts the victim’s perception regarding social and family relationships. Those perceptions are wrong.
Depression also causes the victim to feel very self-critical. The person often perceives herself to be inadequate, defective, unlovable and unimportant. She may feel that she is only a burden to her family or friends. She may perceive that others would be better off without her. She’s so wrong.
The distorted perceptions of depression often prevent the suicidal person from seeing the true impact that suicide would have on those they love. He mistakenly believes that his family, friends, co-workers and neighbors will have their lives disrupted only briefly by attending a funeral, and then will go on about their lives. Such beliefs are very wrong.
Having done psychotherapy for over thirty years, I have seen the impact of suicide on family, friends, and even community members. I have had many instances where family members come in to see me because one of their loved ones committed suicide. They feel confused, angry and sad. Mostly, however, they question themselves. They ask what they could have done to prevent the death. They say things such as, “I should have stopped by to check on her.” “I shouldn’t have complained about …..” “I should have seen this coming, and done something. Why didn’t I do something?” They blame themselves. They are wrong, as well. If they had seen the suicide coming, they would have moved mountains to stop the loved one. They didn’t know.
There is an old saying that, “Suicide doesn’t end the pain. It just passes it on to those you love.” This is so true. When someone expresses the belief that their loved ones will be better off if they commit suicide, I ask them to tell me the name of a loved one. I then ask them to imagine they received a phone call saying that this person had committed suicide. I ask them how they would feel. I ask how much it would effect their life. I point out that their loved one will react exactly the same way if they commit suicide.
If you have a loved one who is clinically depressed, and you fear they may have suicidal thoughts, say something. Ask them if they are considering suicide. You won’t give them the idea or suggest it by asking. Then tell them exactly how their suicide would effect you. They need to know the truth. Such candor may help them see that their choices impact those they love. If you’re depressed and considering suicide, make an appointment with a mental health professional as soon as possible. There is hope and there is help!
Question: Do you have any suggestions to help or support someone who has lost a loved one to suicide?
Reclaiming Your Positive Self-Esteem
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If we reclaim something, it means that we once had it, but lost it at some point. I fully believe this to be true. I believe that most of us
lost something valuable, even precious. We lost site of our true identity, who we really are.
This loss didn’t occur passively. Your knowledge of your true worth didn’t peacefully fade like a castle in the sand. It was attacked. It was chipped away, sometimes with a small tap and sometimes with a sledgehammer. The blows may have included critical words, disapproving looks or even looks of disgust, when you made the mistakes all children make. The blows may have occurred in silence, the parental visit that never happened, the lack of a parent at your ball game or concert, or simply the preoccupied manner when you needed attention. Your blows may have come when other kids teased you, laughed at your mistake or, verbally or non-verbally, told you to go away.
Each negative experience covered your true identity with a negative belief about self. Before long, all you could see were those negative, false beliefs. They formed a picture of you that was impossible to ignore. You accepted it. What else could you do? You didn’t know any better.
It’s time to strip away those messages and uncover your true self. It didn’t actually go away. You just couldn’t see it. It was there all along, buried under that pile of negative statements. With time and persistent effort, you can identify and discard those negative beliefs, revealing your true worth, reclaiming your positive self-esteem.
I have taught the course, “Reclaiming Your Positive Self-Esteem” about twenty times in the past eighteen months, with amazing results. The course is based on the principles in my book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart: Overcoming the Wounds to Your Self-Esteem and Transforming Your Perception of You.”
Here are some of the comments made by participants from the live course:
This course has helped me to better understand how my past has affected my behaviors or experiences today. It also has offered me ways in which I can cope and change the way I see myself. ~ Thomas A.
This course was an insightful journey into the reasons so many of us suffer from negative thinking! I learned many techniques to overcome a low self-esteem and gain a more enriched and happy life. My perception of myself has changed forever! Thank you! –Anne P.
This was one of the most “life changing” events I have ever experienced! I wish I had attended this course years ago. For me, it wasn’t just learning about self-esteem. It was learning about myself in this world of many other self-esteem sufferers. I loved the stories, the analogies, the humor and the group interaction. I just can’t say enough about how powerful it was! —Janet L.
In my own experience, the journey of healing a wounded self-esteem can take years of therapy and/or self-discovery… or you can get a jump start and significantly shorten the process by attending Dr. Ledford’s workshop series! He has an amazing gift of getting to the heart of the issue, and gives practical steps to finding relief for a problem that can haunt all aspects of a person’s life. In a classroom setting, where privacy is protected and where you find strength in knowing you are not alone, Dr. Ledford will lead you through exercises and examples that bring out the best opportunity for seeing yourself as the wonderful person your Creator made you to be. Give yourself a gift by registering for this workshop today…you’ll be glad you did! —Sarah M.
I’m excited to announce that this course is now available as a webinar on Udemy.com. The course includes videos of the live course with power point slides and written exercises. There are thirteen lectures. You can watch it at your convenience. You have permanent access to it, so you can review any lectures at any time.
I hope you enjoy the course and begin the process of reclaiming your positive self-esteem!
SIGN UP FOR RECLAIMING YOUR POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM COURSE HERE
Question: Please comment on your experience with the course.
The Power of an Attitude of Gratitude
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Once more, scientific research has confirmed something that our parents and grandparents already knew; that counting our blessings will make us happier. In fact, practicing this one habit seems to improve our sense of emotional wellbeing more than any other behavior.
In the mid-1990’s, a branch of psychology began to emerge, called “Positive Psychology”. Rather than focusing on emotional illness or difficulties, this group turned their research toward increasing understanding of the factors that made some people exceptionally positive or mentally healthy.
We’ve all known some individuals who seem to handle life’s difficulties with exceptional grace, and just appear more happy, joyful or satisfied. They clearly experience their share of life’s up’s and down’s, but do with more peace and hope than most. The researchers in Positive Psychology studied such individuals to identify those traits, attitudes or habits they shared that allowed them to do this.
First, let’s look at the factors that did not predict happiness. The researchers found that material wealth or standard of living had very little to do with happiness. While the United States has the highest financial standard of living, we are clearly not the happiest people. Many people who have much less than us report that they are much happier.
The research also found that negative life events did not necessarily lower a person’s level of happiness on a long-term basis. Of course, one’s happiness does go down immediately after experiencing a negative life event, but the research found that the person’s level of happiness usually returns to their pre-event level within two years. This was even true when the negative event was extreme, such as spinal cord injury resulting in permanent paralysis. Interestingly, the same was true for positive life events. Immediately after the event, the person’s level of happiness did go up, but usually returned to their pre-event level within about two years.
The studies did find, however, that exceptionally positive people all share an attitude of gratitude. They report that they pay attention to the blessings in their lives. Most of them consciously and deliberately cultivate this feeling of thanksgiving in each day. Most report that, with practice, the attitude becomes more natural and automatic.
We can all learn to be more grateful. Make the decision to cultivate an attitude of gratitude starting today. Count your blessings. Write them down. Before your feet hit the floor each morning, make yourself think of five things you have to be thankful for. Thank those you love. Thank them for the things they do for you, but more, thank them for loving you and sharing your life. Look for opportunities to be thankful today. You just might find yourself feeling happier!
Are You an Optimist or a Pessimist?
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A pessimist is someone who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is someone who makes opportunities of his difficulties.
Harry Truman
Are you an optimist or a pessimist? An optimist tends to see the positive possibilities in every situation. A pessimist tends to see the negative possibilities. Optimists expect good things to happen, while pessimists expect negative outcomes. One sees the glass half full, while the other sees the glass half empty. While lengthy, I have included one of my favorite jokes, that illustrates the concept.
Once there was a woman who had two sons. One was an extreme pessimist, while the other was an extreme optimist. They were both so extreme that they drove her up a wall. She went to her pastor for some suggestions on how she could temper their optimism and pessimism. He said he thought he could help. Christmas was approaching. He suggested that she make her pessimistic son’s Santa presents the best ever. He said she should go over the top to get him everything she could think of that he might want. He suggested that such a fabulous Christmas morning might break him of his extreme pessimism. The mother said it would be expensive, but that it would be worth it.
She then asked him what she should do about her overly optimistic son. The pastor noted that the family owned a farm, to which she agreed. He said she should take a cardboard box out to the barn. She should fill it with manure. She was instructed to tape it shut, wrap it in wrapping paper and put a bow on top. He suggested that if her optimistic son received only a box of manure on Christmas morning, it might break him of his extreme optimism. The mother agreed.
Christmas morning came. The mother watched as the boys came down stairs to see their presents. The pessimistic son went to his side of the tree. He found many wonderful presents, including a bicycle, a skateboard and roller skates. He just stood and stared at it all. Then he started to cry.
He sobbed, “Mama, why does Santa hate me so much?”
His mother asked him what he meant.
He said, “Santa must hate me, because he wants me to die. He gave me a bicycle so I would break my neck. If that doesn’t kill me, he gave me a skateboard. And if that doesn’t do the job, he gave me roller skates, just to make sure. Mama, this is the worst Christmas ever!”
The mother sighed, “Well, that didn’t work”.
She went over to the optimistic son’s side of the tree. He had opened the wrapped box, and was digging in the manure. She asked him what he thought about his Christmas.
He replied excitedly, “Mama, I’m not sure, but I think there’s a pony in here somewhere!”
Research suggests that traits of optimism or pessimism may sometimes be inherited, but the results aren’t clear on this point. We do know that such thinking patterns can be learned, and that they are habitual.
This week, notice whether you tend to be an optimist or a pessimist. Unlike the joke, there’s nothing wrong with being an optimist, as long as you recognize reality, but being a pessimist can surely hurt you. If you notice yourself having pessimistic tendencies, consciously look for the positive things in your day and in your life (i.e. count your blessings). Make a gratitude list. Deliberately paying attention to the positive parts of our lives can gradually diminish those pessimistic tendencies.
Question: What techniques have you found helpful in becoming a more positive person?
Another Reason To Stand Up For Yourself
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This is a true story that
I experienced many years ago. I’ve often said that my clients teach me something every day. Well, this client taught me a great deal in a matter of minutes. I hope her story impacts you as it did me.
About twenty years ago I was asked to do a consultation at a skilled nursing center. The patient was a 97 year old woman who was exhibiting symptoms of depression.
When I arrived at the facility I reviewed her chart and made my way to her room. There I found a very prim and proper lady sitting up in a chair and fully dressed. She invited me to have a seat, as she was expecting me, and knew the reason for my visit.
Following introductions, I began the process of getting to know her and assessing her symptoms. Her thinking was very clear, and she answered my questions readily.
After about fifteen minutes of conversation, she interrupted my interview abruptly by saying, “You can stop now.”
I responded, “Stop what?”
She explained, “You can stop asking me questions. You see, I know you are trying to understand the reason for my depression, and I know very well why I’m depressed. I have been observing you as we’ve talked. I have decided that I can trust you, so I will tell you why I’m depressed and save us both some time.”
Somewhat taken aback, I simply said, “OK, why are you depressed?”
She continued, “You see, I’m 97 years old. I know that, at best, I will only live two or three more years, but that isn’t why I’m depressed. The reason that I’m depressed is that, when I look back over my life, I realize that I have lived my entire life for everyone else. I have spent my years trying to please everyone else or at least not displease them. I did what others wanted me to do. I lived my life for them while they were living their lives for themselves, and no one has lived a life for me, not even me. And now it’s too late.”
I was so struck with the lady’s words that I have no idea what I said after that point. I hope I provided some comfort. Parables for a Wounded Heart: Overcoming the Wounds to Your Self-Esteem and Transforming Your Perception of You (2012)
Question: How can we balance the need to take care of the needs of others and also take care of our own needs? Do you think self-esteem wounds sometimes cause us to ignore our own needs, in an attempt to please those around us?
A Return to Honor
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As I write this, our country is celebrating Memorial Weekend. During this time, we remember those who have served, suffered and died in our military. We honor our veterans, living and dead, and such honor is well deserved. We don’t do it often enough.
The focus of this weekend has led me to consider the concept of honor. What does it mean, exactly? Is it a practice lost in today’s culture? Does it still have value on a personal and a societal level?
While there are several definitions for the word “honor,” I want to discuss the verb, as in “We will honor those who came before us.” For example, this Memorial Weekend we remember, acknowledge and “honor” our veterans. Webster includes the definition: ”a showing of usually merited respect. “
Honoring those whose actions or positions have merited such respect is appropriate, but what about everyday expressions of honor? How might our lives change if we honored those who live under our own roof? Do you honor your spouse or your children? Do you honor your friends, co-workers or the many people you meet as you go through your day?
We often think that honoring someone suggests that we consider them to be above us, but is that really true? We can perceive the other person as equal to us, and still honor them. We can show them “merited respect” through our actions, our words, and our tone of voice.
What do you think would happen to your personal relationships if you behaved in a manner that honored those you encounter each day? Do you think honoring your spouse might contribute to a more positive relationship? Do you think your children might be healthier and happier if your tone and words honored them? You can honor someone and still maintain proper boundaries and expectations.
What about yourself? Do you honor yourself? Do you treat yourself with the respect you give to others? Does your self-talk convey a tone of honor toward self? Do your choices and behaviors demonstrate a sense of honor toward self? Self-esteem wounds often prohibit any expressions of self-honor. Likewise, treating yourself with honor helps to heal self-esteem wounds.
Try to maintain an awareness of honor as you go through your day. Let your words, tone of voice and behaviors reflect honor toward those around you and toward yourself. Watch what happens.
Question: Can you share experiences where you did show honor toward another and saw a positive outcome? Can you share an experience where your attitude or behavior changed because someone honored you?
Everyone Has A Story
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“To be a person is to have a story to tell.” Isak Dineson
We see so many people each day. Some we know. Most we don’t. Most of the time, we don’t even really see their faces. They may help us check out at the grocery store, pass us on the sidewalk or even work down the hall. It’s easy for such people to become part of our background noice as we go through our day.
Then there are those people we think we know. They may work with us, attend our church or live down the street. Of course, we do know more about their lives. We know some parts of their lives, but we often assume we know everything of importance. We tend to assume that we know their story, but do we really?
Last night, my wife and I were eating at a restaurant in a nearby town. The server was a very pleasant young woman with an easy smile. After taking our order, she commented that she had already had an eventful day. She went on to say that she had a phone conversation with her long-lost brother and that they had not spoken for eighteen years. She added that he had some disabilities due to fetal alcohol syndrome.
While that was all the personal information she shared, it was enough to remind me that she did, in fact, have a story. Was she adopted? Was her brother removed from the home because of her mother’s drinking? Did she grow up in a foster home? Did she have to deal with the problem of an alcoholic parent during her childhood? Of course, I have no idea, but I do know that there is more to the story than she shared.
Did she look sad, rejected or abused? Not at all. She was grinning that her brother had made the effort to find her and that she now had contact with him. She said she planned to meet him for lunch soon. She was excited and happy.
When we live our lives with the awareness that everyone has a story, we tend to feel more connected. We belong because we too have our story. We are reminded that we are not different.
Maintaining the awareness that everyone has a story also helps us cultivate an attitude of compassion. We tend to be more kind, more understanding. Assuming that others have their story helps you look deeper at those around you. Looking deeper helps you notice more clues that those people have their own story. Seems to be a circular process, doesn’t it?
Question: Can you share some events that reminded you that everyone has a story? Did it effect your perception of the person? Did you find yourself liking the person more when you learned more about their story?