I couldn’t agree more with this post by Otrazhenie. We assume we know that the other person is thinking or their intentions or their feelings. So often we are completely wrong, but don’t believe we are wrong. We then act on our mistaken assumptions, hurting the relationship and the other person. Don’t assume. Don’t do mind reading. Ask for clarification. Tell them your assumption and ask them if it’s correct. Notice how many times you are wrong. Your relationships will be better for the effort! Terry Ledford, Ph.D.
Category Archives: depression
Life’s Roller Coasters
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Roller coasters are fun because we know we will get off soon. We can thrill to the ups and downs and unexpected curves because of the flat part at the end, where we slow down, stop, raise the bar, and get off. The experience is pleasurable because we know that it is temporary.
Life sometimes feels like a roller coaster, with its own ups and downs and unexpected curves. Unfortunately, we often can’t see the flat part at the end where we slow down and return to normalcy. We imagine that our present chaotic ride will go on forever. We dread the next fall and anxiously await the next unexpected turn.
It does seem that negative life events often come in clusters. Just when we’re recovering from a jab in life, we’re struck with a right hook, and we find ourselves reeling and unsteady. Our only goal is to stay on our feet, or to put one foot in front of the other.
When you find yourself in the middle of a cluster of negative life events, you have to hang on tighter and realize that you’re not alone. When life is unstable, we need to lean on others for assistance, advice, support or just their presence.
We also have to recall past negative clusters and remember that they eventually ended and that we survived. There is a lot of wisdom in the phrase, “This too shall pass.”
Most importantly, remember that the roller coaster had a creator, who knew each twist and turn long before you purchased your ticket. Trust that creator to bring you home to the flat part, where you can slow down, step onto stable ground and breathe a sigh of relief.
Question: When you’ve experienced the ups and downs of life, what steps have you taken to hold on and stay the course?
The Power of Your Words
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The most important things ever said to us are said by our inner selves. Adelaide Bry 
Words are important. They reflect our thinking, but more importantly, they define our thinking. Our choice of words can improve or destroy a relationship; build up or tear down a self-esteem and contribute to our success or failure. Some words, such as “safe” “hope” and “bigot” automatically convey a feeling or an emotion, good or bad. The most important words you choose are the ones you say to yourself in your thoughts. The self-talk of a person with a negative self-esteem is usually filled with harsh, emotion-laden words. Such words deepen the self-esteem wound. They often carry forth an abuse that began in childhood. There is a vast difference between the thought, “I want to lose weight.” and “I’m a fat pig.” The difference is equally vast between the thought, “I failed the test.” and “I’m stupid.” Finally, consider the difference between the thoughts, “I made a mistake.” and “I can’t do anything right.” In each case, the later phrase is harsh, all-encompassing, and self-destructive. Watch the words you think to yourself. Ask yourself if you would say the same words or phrases to another person. Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a friend or loved one. Consider the words you say in your thoughts. The things said by your inner self are truly the most important things you will say. Choose them wisely.
The Truth About Suicide
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Every life touches so many other lives. Our decisions and actions impact others in ways we can only imagine. We sometimes fail to 
recognize this and assume that our choices will be of little or no consequence to those around us. We’re wrong.
Such assumptions are often made by the depressed person who is considering suicide. Clinical depression is very painful, drastically different from those common, normal times when we feel sad or down. I have heard patients, who suffer with both chronic physical pain and depression, say that the depression is the more painful illness. The thought of continuing to live with such pain often seems unbearable. Dying seems peaceful, an end to the pain. It causes the victim to feel that their current state is permanent, and the thought of years of such existence seems unthinkable. The victim begins to think of a way out.
This illness also tends to isolate. The depressed person tends to withdraw from others. He will often turn down invitations to social activities, preferring to be alone, and often assuming that he won’t be good company. The illness makes the person tend to focus internally, which makes him feel even more separate from everyone else. He feels that he is unimportant, or that he doesn’t belong in this life. Depression distorts the victim’s perception regarding social and family relationships. Those perceptions are wrong.
Depression also causes the victim to feel very self-critical. The person often perceives herself to be inadequate, defective, unlovable and unimportant. She may feel that she is only a burden to her family or friends. She may perceive that others would be better off without her. She’s so wrong.
The distorted perceptions of depression often prevent the suicidal person from seeing the true impact that suicide would have on those they love. He mistakenly believes that his family, friends, co-workers and neighbors will have their lives disrupted only briefly by attending a funeral, and then will go on about their lives. Such beliefs are very wrong.
Having done psychotherapy for over thirty years, I have seen the impact of suicide on family, friends, and even community members. I have had many instances where family members come in to see me because one of their loved ones committed suicide. They feel confused, angry and sad. Mostly, however, they question themselves. They ask what they could have done to prevent the death. They say things such as, “I should have stopped by to check on her.” “I shouldn’t have complained about …..” “I should have seen this coming, and done something. Why didn’t I do something?” They blame themselves. They are wrong, as well. If they had seen the suicide coming, they would have moved mountains to stop the loved one. They didn’t know.
There is an old saying that, “Suicide doesn’t end the pain. It just passes it on to those you love.” This is so true. When someone expresses the belief that their loved ones will be better off if they commit suicide, I ask them to tell me the name of a loved one. I then ask them to imagine they received a phone call saying that this person had committed suicide. I ask them how they would feel. I ask how much it would effect their life. I point out that their loved one will react exactly the same way if they commit suicide.
If you have a loved one who is clinically depressed, and you fear they may have suicidal thoughts, say something. Ask them if they are considering suicide. You won’t give them the idea or suggest it by asking. Then tell them exactly how their suicide would effect you. They need to know the truth. Such candor may help them see that their choices impact those they love. If you’re depressed and considering suicide, make an appointment with a mental health professional as soon as possible. There is hope and there is help!
Question: Do you have any suggestions to help or support someone who has lost a loved one to suicide?