Category Archives: emotional health

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Everyone Has A Story

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Waitress“To be a person is to have a story to tell.”   Isak Dineson

We see so many people each day. Some we know. Most we don’t. Most of the time, we don’t even really see their faces. They may help us check out at the grocery store, pass us on the sidewalk or even work down the hall. It’s easy for such people to become part of our background noice as we go through our day.

Then there are those people we think we know. They may work with us, attend our church or live down the street. Of course, we do know more about their lives. We know some parts of their lives, but we often assume we know everything of importance. We tend to assume that we know their story, but do we really?

Last night, my wife and I were eating at a restaurant in a nearby town. The server was a very pleasant young woman with an easy smile. After taking our order, she commented that she had already had an eventful day. She went on to say that she had a phone conversation with her long-lost brother and that they had not spoken for eighteen years. She added that he had some disabilities due to fetal alcohol syndrome.

While that was all the personal information she shared, it was enough to remind me that she did, in fact, have a story. Was she adopted? Was her brother removed from the home because of her mother’s drinking? Did she grow up in a foster home? Did she have to deal with the problem of an alcoholic parent during her childhood? Of course, I have no idea, but I do know that there is more to the story than she shared.

Did she look sad, rejected or abused? Not at all. She was grinning that her brother had made the effort to find her and that she now had contact with him. She said she planned to meet him for lunch soon. She was excited and happy.

When we live our lives with the awareness that everyone has a story, we tend to feel more connected. We belong because we too have our story. We are reminded that we are not different.

Maintaining the awareness that everyone has a story also helps us cultivate an attitude of compassion. We tend to be more kind, more understanding. Assuming that others have their story helps you look deeper at those around you. Looking deeper helps you notice more clues that those people have their own story. Seems to be a circular process, doesn’t it?

Question: Can you share some events that reminded you that everyone has a story? Did it effect your perception of the person?  Did you find yourself liking the person more when you learned more about their story?

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Are You a Mind Reader?

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Do you believe that Imageyou are a mind reader? Do you assume what others are thinking or feeling? Do you react to your assumptions as if they are fact? Do you believe with all your being that you are right in those assumptions? Are your moods determined by your mind reading?

If you are honest with yourself, you will have to answer yes to all the above questions. It is a rare human being that has attained that degree of wisdom, self-discipline or enlightenment required to never assume another’s thoughts or feelings. When you assume other’s thoughts, intentions or feelings without having all the facts, you are mind reading.

So, let’s start with the admission that we all do mind reading. We observe another’s facial expression and assume that he or she is angry or displeased with us. We see someone hesitate when we voice an invitation and assume that they don’t really want to spend time with us. We notice a tone of voice or inflection and believe the person is irritated, disapproving or displeased. We observe apparent distance and conclude that they don’t love us (or at least don’t love us as much as we love them).

Our mind reading assumptions allow us to fill in the missing information in our social interactions, but is it accurate information or misinformation? How often are our mind reading assumptions simply wrong? Inaccurate mind reading assumptions may fill our emotional sails, pushing us forward quickly, but unfortunately pushing us off course. We make decisions and choices based on our assumptions. If the assumptions are wrong, the choices will also be wrong.

When we make mind reading assumptions, we do so based on our expectations. We could have expectations based on the particular individual’s prior behavior. For example, if Uncle Henry has tended to be critical in the past, we assume that the ambiguous statement he made today was said with critical intent.

We may also have expectations based on our prior experiences with other people. If Cindy felt rejected in her previous high school, she will expect to be rejected at the new high school. If Jeff’s parents were critical and difficult-to-please, he may perceive his current supervisors to be critical and displeased with him.

The correct answer to the question about what someone is thinking is “I don’t know” because that is the truth. When we assume we know another’s thoughts or feelings, we act on those assumptions and we close the door to other possibilities. When we remind ourselves that we actually don’t know what they are thinking, we leave the doors open for all possibilities.

Try to catch yourself doing mind reading. Remind yourself that you don’t actually know what they are thinking. I believe you will find this simple practice to be helpful in your relationships and your personal mental health.

Question: When are you most guilty of mind reading? Do you have an example of a time when you assumed what someone was thinking or feeling and then found out that you were very wrong?

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Who Are You; Really?

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“Who are you?” This is an important question, perhaps one of your most important questions in life. It is such an important question because your answer to this question impacts your entire life.Thoughtful woman

Do you perceive yourself to be similar to others or to be different? Do you perceive yourself to be smart, competent and capable, or to be inadequate, incompetent and destined to fail? Do you believe you are likeable and loveable or that you are boring, odd, unimportant or likely to be rejected?

Your beliefs about who you are will greatly influence your decision making. If you believe you are competent and capable, you will be more likely to go after your dreams or desires. You will apply for that promotion, sign up for that course or degree, start that business or tackle that challenging hobby. Your decision making will focus more on whether you want or do not want to do something, not on whether you can or cannot do it. You will be more likely to assume that you can do whatever you want to do.

Also, when you believe you are competent and capable, you are less vulnerable to the inevitable failures in life. You aren’t as likely to be crushed by criticism, nullified by the naysayers, or mangled by your mistakes. You see a poor performance as an exception to who you are rather than a definition of who you are. You move on and try again.

When you believe you are likeable and loveable, you approach social situations with more self-confidence. You enter relationships with an assumption that the other person will like you. You focus your attention on the similarities between you and others, rather than the differences. You expect, and even demand, that others offer you the same respect and courtesy you give them.

When you believe you are likeable and loveable, you are less likely to be crushed by the times when others treat you badly or ignore you altogether. When someone acts distant or unfriendly, you tend to attribute the behavior to some factor in that person, rather than assuming that they treated you that way because of some defective factor in you.

Your answer to the question, “Who am I?” is the core determinant of your self-esteem or self-concept. You can assess your current self-esteem by paying attention to the thoughts passing through you mind, as you go through your day. Watch for self-critical thoughts. Watch for perceptions or anticipations of rejection. Also, pay attention to your choices, both now and in the past. Do your choices suggest that you go after what you want? Do your relationship choices suggest that you expect others to treat you as you treat them?

This week, you can become more aware of your self-esteem. Simply by paying attention, you can gain a better understanding of your answer to the question, “Who am I?”

*Some content taken from Dr. Ledford’s book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart: Overcoming the Wounds to Your Self-Esteem and Transforming Your Perception of You.”