Category Archives: emotional health

Posted on

Overgeneralization

Using words like always and never can hurt our self-esteem and our relationships.

by

This article is part of a series on types of negative thinking and their impact on self-esteem and relationships. The types of negative thinking are at the core of Cognitive/Behavioral Psychotherapy, and presented in “The Feeling Good Handbook” by Dr. David Burns.

We all experience negative events. Everyone makes mistakes and lives with some negative traits or characteristics.overgeneralization It’s part of the human experience.

We exhibit overgeneralization thinking when we react to a negative experience with thoughts such as, “This always happens to me” or “I can’t do anything right.” We perceive a singular negative experience as if it is the rule.

Overgeneralization can be applied to ourselves, as in “I always mess up” or to our circumstances, as in “Things never work out for me” or to others, as in “They’re all lazy.” Regardless of the application, such thinking is inaccurate and destructive.

When pressed, we usually acknowledge that overgeneralization isn’t entirely accurate. We don’t always mess up. We can do some things right. Sometimes, things actually do work out for us. Just not as often as we would like. And, no group of people are universally lazy.

We may intellectually know the truth, but overgeneralization still hurts. When we make such statements in our thinking, we feel as if they are true. We feel the same frustration, self-criticism or anger that we would feel if they were true.

The brain is a bit like a computer; garbage in – garbage out. True or false, accurate or inaccurate, our brains react to our thoughts, as they are stated. Thus, having the thought “I can’t do anything right” creates the same feelings as if we actually couldn’t do anything right. We feel beaten down.

Overgeneralization also has a major impact on our relationships. Thinking of your spouse in terms like “He never does anything for me” or “She always puts me down” can set a tone for the relationship that is difficult to overcome. Again, you may intellectually know that the statement is not entirely accurate, but the damage is done. And when the statements are spoken out loud, we respond, usually appropriately, with defensiveness.

Be careful about any statement that includes the terms “never” or “always.” They’re usually inaccurate, and can do significant damage to our self-esteem, our views on life, and our relationships.

Posted on

All-Or-Nothing Thinking

Expectations of perfection can damage our self-esteem or our relationships.

by

Today, I’m starting a series of articles about various forms of negative thinking, and the ways each impacts our lives and our self-esteem. These negative thinking patterns have been a core component of Cognitive/Behavioralperfectionism Psychotherapy for many years. Dr. David Burns did a nice job of defining them in his book, “The Feeling Good Handbook.” I would recommend Dr. Burns book to anyone who wants to understand more about Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy in general or the negative thinking patterns in particular. It can be found on Amazon and in most book stores.

In this article, we’ll look at All-Or-Nothing Thinking, which can also be called perfectionism. All-Or-Nothing thinking occurs when we believe that something must be exactly the way we want or expect it to be, and that nothing less is acceptable. This thinking pattern can be applied to ourselves, to our life situations or to our judgment of someone else. I also call this thinking pattern, light switch thinking, because the light is either on or off. There is no in between.

When applied to ourselves, all-or-nothing thinking reflects perfectionism. We feel that our performance must meet our standards exactly, or it is totally unacceptable. Anything less than an A grade is awful. The paper must not have any mistakes or corrections. We can’t make any errors, or we are terrible. We beat ourselves up whenever we mess up, even in a minor way. We expect performance from ourselves, that we would never expect from anyone else.

The problem with this is that it is an impossible expectation. As humans, we are imperfect. We mess up. We make mistakes. Holding ourselves to an impossible standard only results in our feeling inadequate. As a result, we feel pain, pressure and stress.

When we apply all-or-nothing thinking to our life situations, we get upset whenever circumstances fail to live up to our expectations. We imagine an outcome or an experience, then get angry or depressed when it doesn’t occur the way we planned.

Again, such expectations are doomed to fail, since each life is filled with some disappointment. Life just doesn’t happen as we would like. The dream must be adjusted to fit the reality. To be happy or content, we have to learn to accept our life, even if it doesn’t conform to our dream.

When we apply all-or-nothing thinking to other people, we tend to become an unrealistic taskmaster. We become upset with others, because they fall short of our expectations. We maintain that they “should” have done better. They should have done it our way. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never found this kind of thinking to work very well.

Now, there is nothing wrong with striving for self-improvement, setting goals for our life, or expecting others to treat us well. We just run into problems whenever we are perfectionistic about it.  If you find yourself having all-or-nothing thinking, try to ease up a bit. Consider the option of “good enough,” rather than perfect. See if it doesn’t make life a bit easier.

Posted on

Putting Someone Else in Your Shoes

Try this exercise to put your mistakes in proper perspective.

by

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Don’t judge a man unless you have walked in his shoes.” It reminds us that we can’t avoiding self-judgmentknow or judge another person’s choices or actions unless we haven’t been in his situation. It is a good idea. Keeps us from being quite so judgmental.

Today, I want to recommend a different version. Consider this version, “Don’t judge yourself until you have put someone else in your shoes.”

Every day, I meet people who judge themselves harshly. They treat their mistakes as horrible, and worse, unforgivable. They get mad at themselves when they mess up. They criticize themselves harshly in their minds. Sometimes their self-talk borders on self-abuse.

Also, there doesn’t seem to be an end to their self-judgment. The mistake may have occurred yesterday, or many years ago. It doesn’t matter. Their self-judgment for the mistake is constant over time. I sometimes ask them exactly how long their sentence is. I’ve seen murderers get off with shorter sentences. These self-critical people have no date for parole or release.

To put our mistakes in better perspective, I ask these people to imagine putting someone else in their shoes. I ask them to identify a person in their mind that they like and respect, but someone they could imagine possibly being in their situation.

I ask them to imagine that this person was in their exact situation. Imagine that they made the exact same mistake, under the exact same circumstances. Then, imagine that they felt the same remorse or self-criticism; same situation, same mistake, same reaction to the mistake.

I then ask them how they would judge the person in their mind. Not what they would say to the person, because they might be nice or kind, but what they would think in their mind.

Almost immediately, they will say that they would judge the other person less harshly. They would usually see the mistake as less catastrophic, and they would see it as more easily forgivable. They would see it as just a mistake.

Our judgment of the other person more accurately reflects our true assessment of the situation. It isn’t biased by our tendencies to be hard on ourselves. This exercise helps us put our mistakes or deficits in better perspective.

I have used this technique with myself most of my adult life. Whenever I make a mistake, I put someone else in my shoes, and ask myself how I would judge them. I don’t let myself be any harsher with myself or any easier on myself than I would the other person. It has helped me many times. Try it and see how it works for you.

Posted on

When You Get Off Track

Our response to getting off course makes all the difference.

by

Do you ever get frustrated with yourself? Of course, you do. We all have times when we want to accomplish some staying on coursegoal, improve ourselves in some way, or otherwise change something in our lives. We know what we want to do. We can see the outcome in our mind’s eye. We’re excited and motivated to change. We may even  do pretty well for a while. It looks like we’re going to succeed.

But, then we get off track. We eat that extra roll that’s not on the diet. We sleep late and skip the gym. We find ourselves doing the old behavior we’re trying to eliminate. We get sidetracked and put the project on a back burner. We fail.

I think Paul was talking about me when he said in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” I think we can all relate to his frustration. I suppose the only way to not get off track, is to never set a goal. If we strive for nothing, we’ll never be disappointed.

But, I think there’s a better way. I’m a firm believer in setting goals and working each day to better our lives and the lives of others. I want to live my life deliberately, but I do get off track at times. The answer is in our response to those times when we get off track. How do we respond when we realize that we’ve gotten off course?

We have several choices. We can throw our hands in the air and give up completely. We can use the failure as an opportunity to beat ourselves up in our minds. We can brand the failure experience as one more proof of our inadequacy. Or, we can simply get back on track and try again.

To illustrate, I sometimes use the example of an old wooden sailing ship. The captain of the cargo ship has plotted a course from a port in Spain to a particular port in Wilmington, NC. He draws a long straight line from one point to another across the Atlantic.

They say that almost immediately after the ship sets sail, it begins to get off course. The ocean’s currents may wash it north of the designated course. Or the winds may blow it south of course. It moves off the captain’s straight line over-and-over.

The key is that every time it moves off course, the helmsman steers it back on course. The ship simply returns to the desired course, and keeps sailing forward. In fact, my understanding is that the ship is actually off-course more than it is on-course. And, eventually, after repeatedly returning, the ship docks at the desired port in Wilmington.

If we attempt anything, we will get off course. That is normal and okay. When we recognize that we’ve drifted off-course, we simply return. We don’t need to beat ourselves up. It doesn’t help and actually hurts. We just return, again and again, and eventually we get to our desired destination. Try it.

Posted on

When You Can’t See the Way

Here are several points to remember when you find yourself in a painful situation.

by

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

              Winston Churchill

 

Sometimes life is hard. At some time, you will find yourself in a place where you can’t see a way out. You may feel feeling hopelessconfused, lost and helpless. You may feel stuck and hopeless.

Your situation may have been caused by a bad decision, or a failure. It may have not been your fault at all. Because we live in a fallen world, bad things do happen. We experience the pain of a lost job, lost health, or a lost loved one.

When such things occur, our knee-jerk response may be to hide and lick our wounds. We may just sit and ruminate about our situation. We may want to stay in bed all day. We may feel emotionally paralyzed.

Instead, we may react with anger and frenetic activity. We may blame others or ourselves. We may instinctively jump into high gear, with the idea that it’s better to do something, even if it’s the wrong thing.

So what do we do when we experience the valleys of life? Here are a few point to remember when you feel you can’t find a way out of your situation.

  1. You’re not the first one to experience this. Of course, we know that everyone experiences pain in this life. We know it, but we tend to forget it when our pain is particularly strong. Recalling that others have experienced similar situations, or worse, and that they have made it through it, can help us gain perspective.
  2. You’re not alone. Even though we can’t see Him, we are promised that our Heavenly Father will “never leave us or forsake us.” In our pain, we may not feel His presence, but we are promised that He is always beside us, and carries us when we can’t carry ourselves. I love the line, “If we knew who was walking beside us, every step of our day, we would never be afraid of anything.”
  3. Let others support you. When bad things happen, we need to lean on other people. Talk to those who you know would want to be there for you. Don’t be afraid of bothering or burdening them. If they were experiencing a similar situation, would you want them to come to you? Would you be upset if they didn’t? Let them help you in the same way.
  4. Do one step at a time. We have a strong tendency to ruminate about the past or anticipate the future, and such ruminations create much of our pain. In reality, the past does not exist except in our memories, and the future does not exist except in our imaginations. We will never have the resources to deal with the past, because it doesn’t exist any longer. We will never have the resources to deal with the future, because it doesn’t exist yet. We will always have the resources to deal with the present moment. We are told: Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
  5. Be kind to yourself. Even when the valley is due to your own mistake or failure, it doesn’t help to beat yourself up. Beyond a healthy self-discipline, be kind to yourself. Try to show yourself the same compassion that you would show to a loved one who made the same mistake. If they would deserve such compassion, you do too.
  6. You don’t have to see the whole path. In the midst of our valley, we often can’t see the whole way out, but we don’t have to. We only have to see our next step. You can drive across the United States at night, even though your headlights only show you the next one hundred feet. You don’t have to see the whole route, only the next little bit. But by continuing to drive the path we are shown, we will eventually get to our destination.

Hopefully, these points will help you in your difficult situation. Just remember to keep moving.

 

Posted on

The Dangers of Self-Pity and Benefits of Self-Compassion

While self-pity can ruin your day or your life, you can benefit greatly by learning self-compassion.

by

“There’s something about self-pity; it’s just so satisfying.”

                                                                   Unknown

 

It’s a strange thing. It is true that feeling sorry for ourselves can be oddly satisfying. We can easily drop into a state ofself-pity can ruin your life self-pity and then wallow in it. It can seem to provide a momentary comfort from the pains of life. When we’re in it, we just want to sit, and do nothing. For some reason, we humans can be drawn to it.

But self-pity is a bit of a trap. The mindset that feels comforting in the beginning soon turns into a crippling condition. It never serves to improve our circumstances, but rather, worsens them. We lose the motivation to take action. We wallow.

There’s little to recommend self-pity. But we all do encounter painful life events, and have to endure difficult circumstances. When life is particularly painful, how can we react? What mindset should we choose when life becomes especially difficult?

We know that self-pity isn’t helpful, so we often hear people admonishing themselves, or others, to avoid having a pity party. Such critiques are not helpful. They only add to the pain of the situation. They certainly offer no kindness or compassion.

A better alternative to self-pity is self-compassion. Kristin Neff, Ph.D. defines self-compassion as extending compassion to one’s self in situations of perceived inadequacy, failure or general suffering. To be self-compassionate, we must be open and aware of our hurt feelings, be kind to ourselves, and recognize that we are only human. Basically, we try to show ourselves the same compassion we would extend to a loved one who was experiencing the same painful circumstance.

When we are self-compassionate, we are more likely to take steps to recharge or heal. We may allow ourselves a day of rest, seek out the support of a friend, or do something nice or ourselves. We try to think kind thoughts about self. We avoid the harsh self-criticism that so easily floods the mind.

With self-compassion, we don’t wallow. After a brief moment of self-kindness, we take action to improve the negative situation, when possible. If we have hurt someone else, we apologize or try to make amends. When possible, we try to fix, or improve, the problem. We take steps to prevent the difficulty in the future.

With self-compassion, we recognize that we make mistakes, that we have weaknesses, and that sometimes life is painful. We recognize the truth, treat ourselves with kindness, and then move on to improve our lot. Seems pretty healthy to me.

Posted on

Anger and Anxiety

Prior experiences may have taught you to be afraid of even mild expressions of anger.

by

Most people have heard of the classic experiment conducted by Ivan Pavlov, where he taught a dog to salivate angry_manwhenever he heard a bell. He would ring a bell, then immediately give the dog food. At first, the dog just salivated when he saw the food, but soon he began to salivate whenever he heard the bell. After that, he salivated when he heard the bell, even when no food was present. This subconscious pairing of one reaction with a neutral stimulus is called classical conditioning.

A more familiar example would be when a hospital patient is given a new medication, and given orange juice to wash it down. The medication happens to make the patient sick. After that, the patient feels nauseated whenever he drinks orange juice.

Classical conditioning frequently comes into play in our everyday lives, sometimes in ways that hurt us.  For example, you may have grown up with a father who had intense episodes of anger. Because you were just a child, his anger scared you. You may have felt helpless and afraid that someone, including you, might get hurt.

This experience could have caused your brain to pair anger with thoughts and physical sensations of fear. This pairing could now occur when you see someone displaying, even mild to moderate episodes of anger. You experience anxiety when you see or hear signs of anger. You tend to avoid any situation where you might make someone angry. You may even fear expressing your own anger.

Your body will tell you whether this pairing, or conditioning, has occurred. Note whether you notice your heart racing, short and shallow breathing, sweating or muscle tension whenever you see someone who is angry. Pay attention to your reactions to seeing anger. It your reaction proportional to the intensity of anger expressed?

Of course, sometimes anger is not safe. Sometimes, you will encounter a person who is so intensely angry that they could be dangerous. If so, you are wise to withdraw and preserve your safety. In this discussion, however, I’m referring to expressions of anger where you know you are not in danger.

You may have difficulty expressing your feelings or being assertive because you fear that the other person will get angry. This can even occur when you intellectually know that you are not in any danger from this person. Your head tells you that you are safe, but your body reacts as if you are not.

If you recognize this pattern, you can work to correct it. If you feel anxious when you experience another person’s anger, but you know that you are actually safe, try to stay in the situation. Notice your breathing and try to slow it down. Try to relax your muscles. Mostly, remind yourself that you are not in danger. That anger is just another emotion like joy or sadness. Over time, you may be able to break the association between anger and anxiety.

If you are successful in decreasing your anxiety about anger, you will be better able to be assertive about your feelings, without as much fear of making the other person upset. By expressing your feelings in a kind and appropriate manner, you may see positive growth in your relationships.

 

Comments: Have you been able to calm your reaction to other’s anger? If so, how?

 

Posted on

Helping A Loved One With Low Self-Esteem

We often feel helpless when trying to help someone with negative beliefs about self.

by

Do you have that friend who believes that she’s ugly, even though she is actually very attractive? Or perhaps you haveHelping someone with low self-esteem a friend who gives up on his dreams because he thinks he lacks the ability, but you know he could do it. Do you have a loved one who suffers from depression or anxiety because she believes she is less than she really is?

We all know someone like this, and it hurts. It hurts to love someone who doesn’t love or respect himself. It hurts to see them living a limited life, because of self-limiting, and false, beliefs.

We want to help. We try to help. But, how do we do it? If you’re like most, you try to argue with the person. You say things like, “You are not ugly. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You can do anything you want to do.”

How does that work? I suspect not very well. They don’t believe you. They think your words are kind, but untrue. They don’t change their beliefs. They continue to suffer.

I like this quote from Seth Godin:

People don’t believe what you tell them.

They rarely believe what you show them.

They often believe what their friends tell them.

They always believe what they tell themselves.

This is particularly true when it comes to helping someone change a negative believe about self. We have to take our time, listen first, then try to help them look at their belief from a different perspective. It still doesn’t always work, but it definitely works better than an argument.

Of example, I have found the technique of “putting someone else in your shoes” to be very helpful. Let’s say that I have made a mistake. I’m not imagining that it was a mistake. I actually did mess up, and I’m tempted to be very self-critical and beat myself up. I immediately picture someone I know in my mind. I identify someone that I like and respect. I imagine how I would feel if my friend made the exact same mistake, under the exact same circumstances. I also imagine that they are feeling badly like myself.

I then ask myself how I would judge that person. I don’t ask myself what I would say to them, because I might tend to be kind. I ask myself how I would actually feel about that person making the same mistake, under the same conditions. Then, I never let myself be any harder on myself, or any easier on myself, than I would to my friend.

If my conclusion for my friend would be that he couldn’t actually help it, or that he should let it go, then that is what I tell myself. If my conclusion would be that he should be more careful and make amends to the hurt party, then that is also what I tell myself. In other words, I apply the same rules and consequences to myself that I would apply to anyone else.

It’s amazing how often this exercise tempers any tendency to be harsh with myself or to beat myself up. Try it some time, and see how it works for you, or for your loved one. Again, if we can get them to see themselves from a different perspective, they may be able to tell themselves a different story about who they are. Wouldn’t that be nice?

 

Comments: Have you found some ways help someone, or yourself, see themselves in a more positive light. Please share.

Posted on

How Your Posture Can Change Your Mood

Your body position and facial expression can have a powerful impact on your mood.

by

We can tell a lot about another person’s mood without them saying a word. Facial expressions, body position and theYour body can change your mind. way they move can let us know how they are feeling. We pay attention to the smile, frown or furrowed brow to let us know their reactions in a conversation.

We also read other’s moods by the way they walk or the way they sit. Sitting slumped over with legs and arms crossed conveys a more subdued or depressed mood. Sitting upright, with arms extended usually denotes a more positive or empowered mood.

We generally think that our bodies respond to our minds. If we feel a certain way, the body reacts. When we’re happy, we smile. When we’re sad, we frown. When we’re down, we slump and walk more slowly.

Certainly, it is true that the body reacts to the mind, but recent research has clearly shown that the opposite also occurs. The mind reacts to the body. Standing or sitting in certain positions, or holding a particular facial expression, actually changes the mood.

The researchers found several ingenious ways to get subjects to hold positions normally associated with depressed, happy, angry, powerless or empowered moods. The subjects were given a false explanation for these poses, so they didn’t realize they were mimicking a mood. The researchers then gave the subjects questionnaires to measure mood, and blood tests to measure hormones.

When subjects held depressed or powerless poses or facial expressions, they later reported negative, depressed moods. More importantly, their blood work showed hormonal changes associated with more negative or powerless moods. When they held empowered or positive poses or facial expressions, they later reported happy or confident emotions, and their blood work reflected the same.

Some studies had subjects engage in a stressful event (like a job interview) after holding empowered or powerless poses. They had independent raters observe the subjects’ performance in those situations. Results indicated that the subjects who held the empowered poses actually performed significantly better in the stressful activity.

If you’re interested in learning more about this topic, Amy Cuddy, Ph.D. gave a very popular presentation on www.Ted.com. You can also read her recent book on the subject, “Presence.”

So, you might want to try this easy mood altering technique. Change your posture or your facial expression, whether you feel like it or not. Make yourself smile. Stand up straight with your hands on your hips, and your head tilted slightly upward. Hold that stance for about two minutes. Remember the Wonder Woman pose? By the way, you don’t have to do this in front of anyone.

As silly as this may sound, research shows it makes a difference in mood, body chemistry and performance. Fake it til you make it. You might just change your mind!

Posted on

The Placebo and the Nocebo Effect

Your expectations can have a major impact on your health and your future.

by

Most people have heard of the placebo effect. This is when a non-therapeutic pill (e.g. sugar pill) actually helps the placebo effectpatient get better because they expect it to help. A placebo is usually used to test new medication. One group is given the placebo, and a second group is given the actual medication. The patients don’t know which they have received. The researchers then compare the results reported by each group.

The truly amazing thing is the fact that many people report an improvement in symptoms, even though they just received the sugar pill. The improvement was produced by their expectation of positive results. Our brains have an amazing ability to heal and correct physical abnormalities. We need to develop a better understanding of this natural ability, so we can use it for our benefit.

While many have heard of the placebo effect, few are aware of the “nocebo effect.” This is when a detrimental effect on health is produced by negative expectations or beliefs. Research has shown that negative beliefs about health can result in actual worsening of physical functioning.

One dramatic example of the nocebo effect is when a witch doctor puts a curse on one of the tribesmen. The witch doctor may declare that the man will die before sunrise, and the otherwise healthy man will die. Of course, this only happens when the victim fully believes the power of the curse, but it does happen, and has been documented.

Fortunately, most of us have escaped a witch doctor’s curse. Unfortunately, many have been impacted by the nocebo effect. Negative expectations of health have worsened health concerns. Seeing yourself as old, can make you older. Expectations of early death can sometimes hasten death.

I have known several situations where a person said they didn’t think they would live beyond a certain age, and their prediction came true. Perhaps they had some premonition, or perhaps it was just coincidence. But, it seems more likely that their bodies responded to their expectations.

I have also known situations where people perceived themselves as old, began to act old, and then seemed to age prematurely. Was this the result of the nocebo effect, or was it something else? It’s difficult to tell, but just in case, you might want to work on your expectations. Make the decision to expect the best in your health, think young thoughts, and plan your one hundredth birthday party. You just might make it!