Category Archives: emotional health

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When Bad Things Happen

Here are five truths that can help you when you are going through life's valleys.

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Certain realities in life can only be seen through eyes cleansed by tears.

                                                                         Pope Francis

 

Why do bad things happen? A national survey asked people what they would ask God, if they could ask him only onewhen bad things happen question. The number one question posed was, “Why is there suffering in the world?”

The only accurate answer to that question is, “I don’t know.” We may speculate. We may have our theories, but there will always be events in this life that are beyond comprehension.

For what it’s worth, I’ll briefly share my personal thoughts on the question, noting that others have voiced similar opinions. First, I don’t believe that God causes bad events. I believe God suffers along with us when we suffer, because He loves us. I also believe that God can, and does, use bad events for good. I believe we experience pain and suffering in this life, because we live in a sinful and broken world. Much suffering is directly caused by sinful behavior, our own or someone else’s. Other times, bad things happen where no sin was involved, such as physical illness or natural disasters. In these cases, it makes sense to me that such events occur simply because we live in a broken world.

So, we’re left with the reality that bad things do happen. Since we can’t change this reality, we need to look at how we can best respond to it. There are several truths that can help us with our response.

  1. Bad things happen to everyone. We are not alone or unique in our suffering. We may perceive that life is easy for some, but we would be wrong. Others may hide their dark days or seem to handle them well, but they still occur. Understanding that life is difficult for everyone helps us accept our difficulties with more grace.
  2. We don’t have to feel alone. When bad things happen, we need to lean on others. We need other’s support. If you are a believer, you know that you need to lean on God during these times. I know that my spiritual growth accelerates during my difficult times. During such times, I am reminded that I need to depend on something greater than myself.
  3. Others don’t have to feel alone. We naturally reach out during the bad times. We want to help, to support, and to encourage. We are blessed when we reach out to bless others. Bad times spur us to do this.
  4. We see life more clearly. Bad events help us see what is really important. Issues that once seemed so important, fade into the background. Our bad times work like a miner’s sifting pan, allowing the unimportant and trivial to fall back into the river, while highlighting the true gold in life.
  5. We reorganize our priorities. I have worked with many people who have altered their life’s direction following a negative life event. Some have come to a place of gratitude for the bad event, as a needed turning point.

So, we are left with the reality that bad things happen to everyone. We can’t avoid them. We may not be able to understand them. But, we can work on how we respond to them, and that can make all the difference.

 

Comments: Please share the steps you have found helpful during the bad times in life.

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Who Do You Trust?

Self-esteem wounds can often make us trust the wrong people.

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Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something. When we trust, we have Who Do You Trustconfidence in that person or thing. We trust people when we believe that they will be honest and treat us well.

So how do we choose who to trust? Why do we trust one person more or less than another? Is our decision always rational or reasonable? The answer is no.

Of course, we do trust some people because their past behaviors have proven them to be trustworthy. Each time we interacted with them, they behaved in a reliable or truthful manner, and so gained trust in our eyes. They earned it.

This kind of trust is fairly rational. We are rarely let down by such earned trust, but sometimes we are. We’ve all had the experience of someone letting us down for that first time. They had been trustworthy in the past, but this time they weren’t. It’s painful isn’t it?

When trust is broken it hurts. We begin to doubt what we thought we knew about the person. We even doubt our past experiences with the person. Were we being fooled in the past? Were they who we thought they were? Was the whole thing a lie? And we all know that it takes much longer to build back trust than it took to lose it.

But our decision to trust is sometimes not rational. Sometimes we trust when we shouldn’t have. Sometimes we trust despite warning signs that we shouldn’t trust. Why is that?

I have found that such misplaced trust often occurs when we have self-esteem wounds. When we don’t value ourselves, we tend to blame ourselves when we are treated badly. We perceive that their negative treatment of us is somehow our fault. Our tendency to self-blame keeps us from seeing their negative characteristics. We make excuses for them.

Our friends and family often see the negative traits of the other person. They try to warn us and urge us to leave the situation, but we don’t listen. We continue making excuses for the hurtful person and blaming ourselves. We fail to see the truth.

Do you find yourself in a relationship with a hurtful person? Do you keep trying to be good enough to please them? Have you ignored warnings from friends and family? Take a long, hard look at the relationship. Would you want a loved one to be in the same relationship? If it wouldn’t be good enough for them, why is it good enough for you?

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Ten Negative Consequences of Self-Esteem Wounds

A self-esteem wound can impact the victim in many different ways.

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Most would agree that a low self-esteem is harmful to the individual, but we may not realize that self-esteem woundsdepressed_man_001 can present themselves in many forms. People rarely come to see me complaining of low self-esteem, but they often come in because of the results of low self-esteem.

 

Self-esteem wounds can be the driving force behind many psychological difficulties. Here are a few.

 

  1. Depression:

    There are several types of depression. Some are primarily cause by a chemical imbalance, and can be inherited. Most depression, however, is brought about by negative life experiences, and negative thinking patterns. Self-criticism fuels depression. The individual is bombarded by negative thoughts about himself, and negative thoughts about his future. Treating depression usually requires helping the person alter negative thinking patterns. When the self-esteem improves, so does the depression.

  2. Anxiety:

    Self-esteem wounds often come in the form of inadequacy feelings. The person doesn’t feel prepared to deal with difficult life tasks, and anticipates failure. Everything begins to feel overwhelming. Anxiety is the natural result.

  3. Social Anxiety:

    This is when a person feels anxious in social situations. She assumes that others are judging her, and is afraid of saying the wrong thing or not being able to say anything. She assumes that others are better than she, are more comfortable in social situations, and therefore, are judging her inadequacies. With treatment, she learns to see herself as equal to others, thus lessening the social anxiety.

  4. Withdrawal:

    Similar to social anxiety, here the person avoids interactions with others. He may withdraw because of a fear of judgment, or simply because he no longer enjoys social interaction. He may see himself as less competent than others, or as less likeable or important. Assuming that he will not be liked, he avoids occasions where rejection is possible.

  5. Irritability and Temper Outbursts:

    When the person perceives herself as inadequate, she may assume that others are judging her. Her reaction may be anger. When she perceives herself as unlovable or unlikeable, she may perceive rejection even when it isn’t there. Her reaction to the perceived rejection may also be anger.

  6. Poor Relationship Choices:

    It may sound strange, but people tend to find themselves in relationships, that deepen their self-esteem wounds. The abused girl often grows up to marry the abusive man. The rejected boy is often attracted to the distant woman. The criticized boy often marries an overly critical wife. These choices are unconscious, but are common results of self-esteem wounds.

  7. Arrogant Behaviors:

    This one may surprise some people. We usually assume that someone who displays arrogant behaviors actually thinks too much of themselves. While this may be true at times, most arrogant people are actually compensating or hiding insecurities. They see themselves as less than others and try to hide that by bragging or acting like they are better than others.

  8. Underachievement:

    People with self-esteem wounds will not pursue opportunities as frequently. They doubt themselves. They expect failure, so they don’t attempt things. They dismiss their dreams because they think they are possible.

  9. Overachievement:

    This may sound strange, but some people with low self-esteem put too much effort into achievement. They sacrifice everything to succeed. They try to succeed to prove their former critics wrong. Such attempts are like pouring water into a bucket with a hold in the bottom. No matter how much you pour in, it never gets full. No amount of success will heal an inadequacy self-esteem wound.

 

The list could go on. Self-esteem wounds impact people in many ways. You may have seen yourself or a loved one in this list. If so, take steps to address the wounds. Self-esteem wounds can be healed with time, treatment and persistence.

 

Comments: Can you think of any other consequences of self-esteem wounds? Please share!

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The Hidden Nature of Self-Esteem Wounds

Your Assumptions About Other's Self-Esteem May Be Wrong.

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There are several common stereotypes regarding self-esteem issues. Our misperceptions can hamper our ability tohappy_people effectively address such issues in ourselves or in those we love. Let’s examine some common self-esteem stereotypes.

 

Some imagine an individual with low self-esteem frequently verbalizing self-critical, or self-derogatory statements, while avoiding eye contact, and sitting in a corner.  We also tend to imagine a certain physical appearance. We might picture an unattractive person in plain attire, slumping and walking with a shuffle.

 

We often assume that we would be able to recognize a low self-esteem from external appearances. We assume that very attractive people automatically have a good self-esteem. We assume that success, high paying jobs, or high status positions reflect confidence and feelings of self-worth. We assume that outgoing, talkative people are socially comfortable and that they have a good self-esteem. These assumptions are often wrong.

 

In fact, you would be quite surprised if you knew the self-esteem wounds carried by some of the people around you. There are probably some people you think you know well, co-workers, fellow students, even people you admire, who suffer silently from self-esteem wounds. Despite their admirable traits or accomplishments, their minds are filled with self-criticism or self-doubt. Some may have even experienced early life trauma or abuse beyond your imagination.

 

Of course, many people have a fairly healthy self-esteem. They see themselves as equal to other human beings. They recognize that they have strengths and weaknesses, but accept themselves. They are able to maintain a good balance between striving for improvement and being comfortable with who they are now.

 

So, how do you tell the difference? How can you tell whether a person has a good or poor self-esteem? That’s the point. You can’t. Don’t assume. The only correct answer is that you don’t know.

 

When you recognize the fact that you can’t know another’s experience, struggle or heart, you are slower to judge. You may find it easier to be kind. You will be less likely to compare yourself to them. When you recognize that others, like you, are fellow travelers on this life journey, you may feel more connected, more comfortable in your own skin.

Comments: What are some other ways that we tend to misjudge other’s self-esteem?

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When a Loved One Hurts Us

We often respond to hurt with anger or withdrawal, but there is a better way.

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It happens to everyone. We all get hurt by those we love. Hopefully, it doesn’t happen too often, but it does happen. couple_not_talkingOf course, we also hurt those we love, but we’ll save that for another article.

When we get hurt, we respond. We can’t help it. But, the nature of our response can make all the difference. Our response can influence the future course of the relationship, and our sense of well-being.

Our natural tendency is to become defensive or self-protective when we get hurt. We try to protect ourselves to avoid further pain. It makes sense. Unfortunately, a defensive response often worsens the situation.

We can divide our defensive responses into two categories; anger and withdrawal. For some, hurt is quickly, and subconsciously, turned into anger. They voice their complaint to the one who hurt them. Their words, tone of voice, facial expression, and posture convey that anger. They may even use the word “hurt” to express their feelings, but the non-verbal message is clear, “I’m angry.” The anger is often the only emotion the offending party hears.

Other people tend to respond to hurt with withdrawal. These people distance themselves. They may stop talking or physically leave. They distance themselves emotionally. They may avoid eye contact, busy themselves with some activity or focus their attention on others. They may harbor resentment for the hurt, but they don’t discuss it. With enough hurts, they may leave the relationship altogether.

So, what is a more effective response to hurt from a loved one? How can we respond to hurt in a manner that promotes healing and avoids further damage to the relationship? The answer is to simply and honestly, express the hurt. For this to be effective, our tone of voice, facial expression and body language must convey hurt, not anger. This is difficult, and we have to be conscious and deliberate about it. It is difficult because it makes us feel vulnerable. It takes a lot of courage to make yourself vulnerable to the person who has just hurt you.

Expressing hurt in a vulnerable manner can promote a more productive conversation, deeper understanding, and eventually, an improved relationship. Expressing hurt as anger or withdrawal usually creates conflict, distance, and a wounded relationship. There are exceptions, but this is usually true.

Now, please remember that we are talking about hurt from a loved one. We’re assuming that the other person is not emotionally dangerous and unstable, and is not intentionally trying to hurt you because they enjoy doing so. We can usually tell the difference.

So, next time you are hurt by a loved one, try to express that hurt only as hurt. Let them know that their words or behaviors hurt you, and do so without anger. Make yourself express the hurt, rather than withdrawal, detachment and silence. Try to express your feelings in a more vulnerable way. Chances are, you’ll begin a healthier conversation, and eventually, an improved relationship.

 

Comments: What do you think? Have you seen the benefits of expressing hurt rather than anger or withdrawal?

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Self-Esteem Wounds From A Distant Parent

This "Fresh Prince" scene illustrates the pain of an unavailable father.

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Many children experience the pain of an unavailable parent. The child mistakenly believes that he or she is the blame. The question, “Why can’t he love me?” is all too common. Of course the problem actually rests with the parent, not the child, but the child doesn’t know this. The self-esteem is wounded, as the child feels unlovable. That feeling of being unimportant or unlovable follows the child into adulthood, maintaining the self-esteem wound.

This scene from “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” provides an excellent example of a rejecting parent and a hurting son. We need to recognize that the problem lies with the parent, not with the child. Will Smith does a beautiful job of depicting the reaction of the rejected child. First, he acts cool, as if there is no problem and it doesn’t bother him. Then he expresses anger at the parent for not being there for him. Finally, he becomes more vulnerable to asks the ultimate self-esteem wound question, “Why doesn’t he want me?” He shows the very strong tendency the child has to blame himself.

Unfortunately, far too many children and teenagers have to deal with a distant or absent parent. Of course, adults know that the problem lies with the parent, not with the child. The child blames himself.

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Letting Go Of Other’s Opinions

Worrying about other's opinions can limit your life.

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“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

                                                                                                  Lao Tzu

 

It can control, stifle, limit, or even destroy us. It can lower self-esteem and create anxiety or depression. It’s the angry_old_womanalmost universal human tendency to worry about other people’s opinions.

 

We watch the expressions on other’s faces. We try to analyze what they meant by certain statements. We imagine what they might be saying behind our backs.

 

We do some things because others will think less of us if we don’t. We avoid other things because they may disapprove if they find out. We make our choices based on our predictions of their judgment.

 

Some people live their entire lives under the shadow of other’s opinions, totally sacrificing their own dreams and goals. The opinions of others blare loudly in their minds, drowning out their own thoughts, values and dreams.

 

Here are several truths that can help us lesson our concerns with other’s opinions.

 

  1. No one knows as much about your situation, and the factors leading to your choices as you do. Unfortunately, people make judgments without knowing all the facts. Since their opinions are based on ignorance, they shouldn’t count.
  2. Most of the time, people are thinking about you less than you imagine. They probably have no opinion about you one way or the other.
  3. It is true that there are some people who tend to be very disapproving and judgmental. They are going to find something wrong no matter what you do. It seems to me that they are actually the ones who have the greatest problems.
  4. Others are simply human just like you. Why would you consider their opinion to be superior to your own? They are just as likely to be wrong as you are. Actually, more so since we are talking about your life choices, not theirs.

 

Try to do the right thing. Try to be kind and loving toward others, when you can. Try to live your life consistent with your true values. Learn to live your life deliberately. Then try to let go of your worries of other’s opinions. You won’t be able to do it immediately. You will have to practice it daily. Hard work, but worth it!

 

 

Comments: Please share your thought about our tendencies to worry about the opinions of others.

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The Power of Persistence in Forming New Habits

Persistent practice is the best way to form and maintain new habits.

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January first is known as a time of new beginnings. A common topic is one’s new year’s resolutions. Unfortunately, choicesmost new year’s resolutions drop by the wayside before February begins.

Why is it so hard for us to break bad habits or form new habits? Why are we so prone to gravitate back to the old and familiar? What can we do to increase the likelihood of creating a new, better, or healthier habit?

One NASA experiment provides some insight. In the early days of NASA, researchers wanted to see how astronauts would respond to the disorienting conditions of space. They created sets of convex goggles, which flipped everything in their field of vision 180 degrees. In other words, their seemed to be turned upside down. They made the astronauts wear these goggles 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, even when they slept.

As expected, the astronauts did become disoriented at first and displayed symptoms of stress, such as elevated blood pressure, respiration and other vital signs. Gradually, however, they began to adapt to their altered vision and were able to negotiate most tasks fairly well.

Then something amazing happened. Somewhere between day 26 and day 30, the astronaut’s brain flipped the image back right-side-up. Even though they were still wearing the goggles, and the image hitting their eyes was still flipped, they began to see the world the right way.

The researchers discovered that after 26 to 30 days of continuous input, the astronaut’s brains formed new neural pathways, causing them to see their worlds normally again.

NASA then did a second study. They had half the astronauts wear the “flipped” goggles for 30 days, as before, and as before, their brains corrected the image after 26 to 30 days. NASA had a second group wear the goggles, but after 15 days, they told them to take them off for 24 hours. This group’s brains didn’t correct the image for an additional 26 to 30 days. Taking the goggles off for 24 hours reset the brain back to day one.

The researchers discovered that it takes the brain requires approximately 30 days to form new neural pathways – for new habits to form. So, to form new habits, we need to consciously and deliberately maintain the new behavior for at least thirty days. If we do a new behavior, and then revert back to our old behavior periodically, we start the clock all over again. The new, desired behavior never becomes engrained, new neural connections are never made, and we break all those resolutions.

Make a commitment to alter your behavior for at least 30 days. Try to avoid any “days off” and see what happens.

 

Comment: Please share your experiences in trying to form new habits. What worked for you?

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Grieving Loss or Celebrating Life

There are several factors that can impact the experience of grief.

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As a psychologist, I have had many occasions to help people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, and of casketcourse like everyone else, I have had to deal with my own grief at times. I have learned a few “truths” about grief that I may be helpful.

First, I never try to help someone stop grieving. Grief is a healthy response to the experience of loss. In fact, grief is essential when dealing with the major losses of life. I tell people that trying to avoid, block or stuff grief is unhealthy. I warn them that the feelings will just come out later, in a less healthy form, like depression, anxiety or anger. I use the analogy that grief is a bit like plumbing. It works best if it’s not stopped up.

Second, there are two types of grief, simple and complicated. In simple grief, the person experiences a loss and grieves. The grief is normal and healthy, as noted above. In complicated grief, the loss is complicated in some way. It may be that the person had a negative or love-hate relationship with the deceased person. Feelings of loss accompanied by anger toward the deceased can definitely complicate the grief process. It may be that the grieving person feels there was some unfinished business that now can never be resolved. It can also be that the survivor somehow blames himself for the death of the loved one. In any case, these complicated feelings can complicate the grief process.

Simple grief gradually gets better over time, but the amount of time varies tremendously from person to person, with no proper time period. In simple grief, there are up-and-down days, but there is a gradual improvement. Complicated grief doesn’t improve over time, and sometimes even gets worse. Complicated grief has a greater tendency to lead to depression or anxiety symptoms. If your grief doesn’t seem to be improving, or seems to be getting worse, you may want to talk to a professional about it.

Finally, one’s reaction to grief is sometimes impacted by where the person focuses attention. Many times, we tend to focus our attention on the death or the experience of watching the illness progress to the point of death. We visualize the hospital scene or the dying moment. It is possible to think so much about the death, that we don’t think about the life. The visual images of our loved one in the hospital or dying can fill our minds. We can repeatedly experience those moments. In doing so, we can lose touch with the precious moments of the person’s life. We may have lived with the person for thirty years, and experienced their dying for three months, but tend to think about the three months to the exclusion of the thirty years.

So, it is healthy to let yourself grieve. If your grief is complicated by other factors, talk with someone to work that out. And finally, deliberately focus your memories on the life rather than the death. Be deliberate and persistent in the effort.

COMMENT: Please share your insights regarding healthy vs. unhealthy grief reactions.

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You’ll Get Used To It

We need to be aware of the negative impact of desensitization.

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In psychology, desensitization is defined as decreased emotional responsiveness to a negative or aversive stimulusviolence after repeated exposure to it. In other words, we become less sensitive to anything that we experience a lot. You can get used to just about anything.

Sometimes this is a good thing. The emergency room nurse becomes less sensitive to the gore of wound care so that she can do her job. The diabetic gets used to the daily insulin injections and states that they don’t hurt as much anymore.

Desensitization is a commonly used technique in psychology. When a patient comes in with a debilitating fear of something (a phobia), we use desensitization to help them get over it. We get them to expose themselves to small doses of the thing, while helping them relax. We gradually increase the intensity of the exposure. The more they are exposed, the less anxiety they experience. After a while, they lose the fear.

The technique works quite well. I’ve used it many times to help people deal with fears of spiders, snakes, flying, crowds, heights, etc. Of course, most folks don’t sign-up for such treatment unless the fear is impairing their lives. Examples would include the individual, with a fear of flying, but a business that requires such travel, or the person who develops a fear of driving after an auto accident.

Sometimes, however, desensitization is a bad thing. Sometimes, we get used to things we should not get used to. We see so much more violence in movies and television than we did in earlier years. For those who are a little older, think about the difference between the violent scenes on Gunsmoke versus those of CSI. We pay money to see graphic violence that would have turned our stomachs in past years. In fact, our desensitization actually forces Hollywood to increase the graphic violence to get our attention.

The same principle holds true for sexual content. We get accustomed to seeing things on TV that we would have never imagined a few years ago. You might remember that Lucy and Ricky had to sleep on twin beds, even though they were married in real life and on the “I Love Lucy” show, because sleeping in the same bed was deemed “too suggestive.”

My biggest concern, however, is what we see in real life. Are we becoming desensitized to the violence in our world? Do we already pay less attention when we hear about a murder or an abused child? Do such stories hurt us less? Do we just feel relief that it didn’t happen to our family or in our neighborhood?

And, how many terrorist acts will it take before we begin to see them as commonplace, as well? Will we get to the point where a bombing or a mass shooting barely warrants a dinner discussion? It has happened before in other places. There are just some things that we should never get used to.