Category Archives: mental health

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Your God-Given Self-Esteem

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What does the Bible say about a true, scriptural self-esteem? How does God want us to see ourselves? I believe scripture is prettyGazing_at_sky clear on this subject. This entry is the first of a series of blogs in “Your Core Value” that specifically addresses self-esteem from a Biblical standpoint. In today’s blog, we are looking at Psalm 8:3-5.

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.

When we read through the Psalms, we find that David was amazingly open with God about his feelings. Sometimes he was praising and dancing before the Lord. Sometimes, he was angry with God and complaining that God wasn’t acting when he felt he should. But here, we see a contemplative David. I can imagine him lying on his back in a field, gazing up at the stars. As he reflects on the vastness of the universe and the wonders of his earthly home, he asks, “What is man that you would be mindful of him?” He could have easily personalized it by saying, “Who am I that you would be mindful of me?”

It’s actually a common question. Who am I? How does God see me? Am I important, and if so, why? What is my worth? What is my value? What is the truth about me?

Our self-esteem is defined by the beliefs we hold about ourselves and how we fit, or do not fit into the world. In “Parables for a Wounded Heart,” I describe how negative childhood experiences tend to wound the self-esteem and create negative self-beliefs. Unfortunately, our self-esteem is often determined by the comparisons we make between ourselves and others.

In this scripture, however, David is asking the proper question. God, who do you say that I am? He goes to the source, the creator. He asks the source of truth for the truth.

But then, David seems to answer his own question. He reminds himself of what he already knows. “But, you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with many crowns.” This isn’t a question. It’s a statement of a truth David has gleaned from scripture and many years of intimate time with his God.

So, how often do you feel “a little lower than the heavenly beings?” On some days, do you feel a little lower than a snake’s belly? Do you feel “crowned with many crowns” or crowned with a dunce cap? If this scripture describes our true identity, then why do we not feel that way?

How do you think your life would be different if you truly felt a little lower than the heavenly beings? Would you stand taller, dream bigger, proceed with more courage and confidence? Would you serve better?

Also, how do you think you would treat others if you realized that they too, are just a little lower than the heavenly beings? Would you show more compassion and patience? Would you honor others more?

Take some time to reflect on David’s words about your identity. You are “a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned with glory and honor.” The same is true of those you encounter today. If you are a little lower than the heavenly beings, perhaps you should stand taller, smile broader and walk with a spring in your step. Consider what it would look like if you treated yourself and those you meet with honor. Try it on and see how it fits.

In future blogs, we’ll consider other scriptures that answer the question; Who am I?” We’ll continue to explore you God-given self-esteem.

 

Question: How do David’s words impact your perceptions of your worth or importance?

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Stopping with “Thank You.”

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When someone compliments you, how do you respond? Do you respond with some depreciating remark about yourself? “I tried, but I didn’t do a very good job. Someone else could have done better.” Do you quickly return a compliment, as a way of gettingThank_you attention off yourself? “Well, I was just thinking about how pretty that dress looks on you.” Does your response reveal your distrust of the compliment? “Right, now you’re just trying to make an old woman feel good.” Or do you just say “Thank you?”

We often have trouble accepting a compliment because we mistakenly believe that to do so would suggest that we are proud or arrogant. We fear that a simple “Thank you” would indicate that we agree with the compliment and feel we are superior in some way. Think about it. If you genuinely compliment someone and they just say “Thank you,” do you think they are being arrogant, or do you feel good that the compliment was accepted?

We sometimes have trouble accepting a compliment because we are self-critical and can’t imagine that the statement was genuine. The words are so opposed to our self-beliefs, and we assume that our “truth” is evident to everyone.

Regardless of the reason, responding to a compliment with any response other than “Thank you” is unnecessary and sometimes even impolite. Pay attention to your responses to compliments. Force yourself to respond with a simple “Thank you.” It’s enough.

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The Power of Your Words

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The most important things ever said to us are said by our inner selves.  Adelaide Bry Young Woman Biting Her Finger Nail Words are important. They reflect our thinking, but more importantly, they define our thinking. Our choice of words can improve or destroy a relationship; build up or tear down a self-esteem and contribute to our success or failure. Some words, such as “safe” “hope” and “bigot” automatically convey a feeling or an emotion, good or bad. The most important words you choose are the ones you say to yourself in your thoughts. The self-talk of a person with a negative self-esteem is usually filled with harsh, emotion-laden words.  Such words deepen the self-esteem wound. They often carry forth an abuse that began in  childhood. There is a vast difference between the thought, “I want to lose weight.” and “I’m a fat pig.” The difference is equally vast between the thought, “I failed the test.” and “I’m stupid.” Finally, consider the difference between the thoughts, “I made a mistake.” and “I can’t do anything right.” In each case, the later phrase is harsh, all-encompassing, and self-destructive. Watch the words you think to yourself. Ask yourself if you would say the same words or phrases to another person. Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a friend or loved one. Consider the words you say in your thoughts. The things said by your inner self are truly the most important things you will say. Choose them wisely.

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The Power Of A Smile

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MP900262698We often underestimate the power of a smile. It’s so simple and common that we tend to ignore its power, but research evidence suggests that a smile can boost mental and physical health and increase success in relationships and work.

Researchers distinguish between the Duchenne and the non-Duchenne smile, named after the French neurologist, Duchenne de Boulogne who first identified them. The Duchenne smile is genuine, sincere and wholehearted. This smile involves the whole face, particularly the eye muscles. The non-Duchenne smile is more fake, perhaps given as a polite gesture, and just involves the mouth. The Duchenne smile is the one that provides the most benefit.

Some studies suggest that frequent Duchenne smiles are associated with longer life-span. We know that when we smile, our bodies release endorphins, the comfort or feel-good hormones. We also know that frequent smiles tend to lower blood pressure and boost our immune system, making us more resistant to illness.

The physical benefits of a smile are significant, but are far outweighed by the social/ relationship effects. One study suggested that people who smile frequently tend to have lower divorce rates in later life. We communicate and connect through smiles. We encourage others and bond with them.

Many years ago, a retired college professor shared this story. She said that she was in her office the day before that year’s graduation. A young black woman entered her office and said she was graduating the next day and wanted to thank her. The professor didn’t recognize the woman and asked if she had taken her classes, to which the woman replied that she had not. The woman explained that, four years earlier, she had been one of the first black students at the college. She said that, during her freshman year, many there had made her feel unwelcome, and that she was considering dropping out. She said that she passed this professor in the hall on a regular basis, and that the professor often smiled as they passed. The student noted that the professor’s smile made her feel she wanted her to be there. The student reasoned that if one person wanted her there, perhaps there were others. She began to look for, and find, others who welcomed her as a student. She stayed at the college and was graduating the next day, so she wanted to thank the professor for helping her finish.

We never know the power of a small gesture, a smile. You will feel better, and you never know who else you might touch.

 

Question: Do you have an experience where a smile made a difference? Please share it.

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Altering Your Perspective on You

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j0444315It’s not what you look at that matters. It’s what you see. Henry David Thoreau

Ever notice how you can look in the mirror one day and think that you don’t look that bad, and the next day look in the same mirror and think you look awful? It’s the same mirror. It’s essentially the same you. The difference between day one and day two isn’t your appearance. It’s your attitude toward yourself.

Your core beliefs, mood and mindset determine your perspective, and that perspective influences your perception. This is true whether you are looking at yourself or your world. Perspective determines what you notice and how you interpret what you see.

Think about those times when you have heard someone, you considered to be very attractive, criticize her appearance. You probably dismissed the self-critical comment as an effort to solicit a compliment or a statement the person actually didn’t believe. You probably argued with the comment, but thought little about it. Consider the possibility that the person really did believe the criticism, and that the statement actually reflected how the person saw herself. Her vision in the mirror was distorted by her negative self-beliefs.

Now, think about the times when you have made a self-critical comment about your own appearance, and a friend argued with your statement. You assumed that their argument was an effort to be kind, and the they actually saw the same defect that you saw. You immediately dismissed the friend’s argument as untruthful or inaccurate. What if the friend was right? What if your perception was the one that was distorted? What if your negative self-beliefs, or your perspective, altered your perception or yourself.

The same process occurs in other areas. Talk to the audience after a debate and you’ll hear proponents of both sides applaud their candidates performance, asserting their side’s victory in the debate. They heard what they wanted to hear, and they heard what they were prepared to hear.

Try to become more aware of your perspective of yourself. In particular, notice the thoughts, interpretations and perceptions that cause you pain or make your life more difficult. Allow yourself to question the validity of those negative perceptions. Was your perspective distorted by earlier negative events? Could you be seeing yourself, your life events, your relationships and your future inaccurately? Could your perspective be wrong? The first step toward changing a negative perspective is awareness. Once you identify a negative, self-destructive perspective, you can begin the day-to-day process of monitoring your thinking and reminding yourself of the truth.

 

Question: What prior beliefs about yourself have you been able to identify and change for the better? What perceptions would you like to change about yourself?

 

 

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The Truth About Suicide

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Every life touches so many other lives. Our decisions and actions impact others in ways we can only imagine. We sometimes fail to Imagerecognize this and assume that our choices will be of little or no consequence to those around us. We’re wrong.

Such assumptions are often made by the depressed person who is considering suicide. Clinical depression is very painful, drastically different from those common, normal times when we feel sad or down. I have heard patients, who suffer with both chronic physical pain and depression, say that the depression is the more painful illness. The thought of continuing to live with such pain often seems unbearable. Dying seems peaceful, an end to the pain. It causes the victim to feel that their current state is permanent, and the thought of years of such existence seems unthinkable. The victim begins to think of a way out.

This illness also tends to isolate. The depressed person tends to withdraw from others. He will often turn down invitations to social activities, preferring to be alone, and often assuming that he won’t be good company. The illness makes the person tend to focus internally, which makes him feel even more separate from everyone else. He feels that he is unimportant, or that he doesn’t belong in this life. Depression distorts the victim’s perception regarding social and family relationships. Those perceptions are wrong.

Depression also causes the victim to feel very self-critical. The person often perceives herself to be inadequate, defective, unlovable and unimportant. She may feel that she is only a burden to her family or friends. She may perceive that others would be better off without her. She’s so wrong.

The distorted perceptions of depression often prevent the suicidal person from seeing the true impact that suicide would have on those they love. He mistakenly believes that his family, friends, co-workers and neighbors will have their lives disrupted only briefly by attending a funeral, and then will go on about their lives. Such beliefs are very wrong.

Having done psychotherapy for over thirty years, I have seen the impact of suicide on family, friends, and even community members. I have had many instances where family members come in to see me because one of their loved ones committed suicide. They feel confused, angry and sad. Mostly, however, they question themselves. They ask what they could have done to prevent the death. They say things such as, “I should have stopped by to check on her.” “I shouldn’t have complained about …..” “I should have seen this coming, and done something. Why didn’t I do something?” They blame themselves. They are wrong, as well. If they had seen the suicide coming, they would have moved mountains to stop the loved one. They didn’t know.

There is an old saying that, “Suicide doesn’t end the pain. It just passes it on to those you love.” This is so true. When someone expresses the belief that their loved ones will be better off if they commit suicide, I ask them to tell me the name of a loved one. I then ask them to imagine they received a phone call saying that this person had committed suicide. I ask them how they would feel. I ask how much it would effect their life. I point out that their loved one will react exactly the same way if they commit suicide.

If you have a loved one who is clinically depressed, and you fear they may have suicidal thoughts, say something. Ask them if they are considering suicide. You won’t give them the idea or suggest it by asking. Then tell them exactly how their suicide would effect you. They need to know the truth. Such candor may help them see that their choices impact those they love. If you’re depressed and considering suicide, make an appointment with a mental health professional as soon as possible. There is hope and there is help!

Question: Do you have any suggestions to help or support someone who has lost a loved one to suicide?

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From Bullied to Beautiful

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Shane Koyczan at TED Conference

Shane Koyczan at TED Conference

You have to watch this TED talk by Shane Koyczan. He addresses so many aspects of self-esteem with humor and passion. We have to do more to address the hurts inflicted during childhood, and the subsequent wounds carried through adulthood.

Click on this link to watch:

http://new.ted.com/talks/shane_koyczan_to_this_day_for_the_bullied_and_beautiful

Comments: Please share your thoughts on Shane’s talk and ideas about ways we can better address these issues.

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Reclaiming Your Positive Self-Esteem

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If we reclaim something, it means that we once had it, but lost it at some point. I fully believe this to be true. I believe that most of usImage lost something valuable, even precious. We lost site of our true identity, who we really are.

This loss didn’t occur passively. Your knowledge of your true worth didn’t peacefully fade like a castle in the sand. It was attacked. It was chipped away, sometimes with a small tap and sometimes with a sledgehammer. The blows may have included critical words, disapproving looks or even looks of disgust, when you made the mistakes all children make. The blows may have occurred in silence, the parental visit that never happened, the lack of a parent at your ball game or concert, or simply the preoccupied manner when you needed attention. Your blows may have come when other kids teased you, laughed at your mistake or, verbally or non-verbally, told you to go away.

Each negative experience covered your true identity with a negative belief about self. Before long, all you could see were those negative, false beliefs. They formed a picture of you that was impossible to ignore. You accepted it. What else could you do? You didn’t know any better.

It’s time to strip away those messages and uncover your true self. It didn’t actually go away. You just couldn’t see it. It was there all along, buried under that pile of negative statements. With time and persistent effort, you can identify and discard those negative beliefs, revealing your true worth, reclaiming your positive self-esteem.

I have taught the course, “Reclaiming Your Positive Self-Esteem” about twenty times in the past eighteen months, with amazing results. The course is based on the principles in my book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart: Overcoming the Wounds to Your Self-Esteem and Transforming Your Perception of You.”

Here are some of the comments made by participants from the live course:

       This course has helped me to better understand how my past has affected my behaviors or experiences today. It also has offered me ways in which I can cope and change the way I see myself.   ~ Thomas A.

This course was an insightful journey into the reasons so many of us suffer from negative thinking! I learned many techniques to overcome a low self-esteem and gain a more enriched and happy life. My perception of myself has changed forever! Thank you!  –Anne P.

This was one of the most “life changing” events I have ever experienced! I wish I had attended this course years ago. For me, it wasn’t just learning about self-esteem. It was learning about myself in this world of many other self-esteem sufferers. I loved the stories, the analogies, the humor and the group interaction. I just can’t say enough about how powerful it was! —Janet L.

In my own experience, the journey of healing a wounded self-esteem can take years of therapy and/or self-discovery… or you can get a jump start and significantly shorten the process by attending Dr. Ledford’s workshop series! He has an amazing gift of getting to the heart of the issue, and gives practical steps to finding relief for a problem that can haunt all aspects of a person’s life. In a classroom setting, where privacy is protected and where you find strength in knowing you are not alone, Dr. Ledford will lead you through exercises and examples that bring out the best opportunity for seeing yourself as the wonderful person your Creator made you to be. Give yourself a gift by registering for this workshop today…you’ll be glad you did! —Sarah M.

 

I’m excited to announce that this course is now available as a webinar on Udemy.com. The course includes videos of the live course with power point slides and written exercises. There are thirteen lectures. You can watch it at your convenience. You have permanent access to it, so you can review any lectures at any time.

 

I hope you enjoy the course and begin the process of reclaiming your positive self-esteem!

 

SIGN UP FOR RECLAIMING YOUR POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM COURSE HERE

 

 

Question: Please comment on your experience with the course.

 

 

 

 

 

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Gazing is Good for the Soul

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Have you taken the time to gaze today? Merriam-Webster defines gaze as: “to fix the eyes in a steady intent look Thoughtful womanoften with eagerness or studious attention.” There is a difference between gazing at something and looking at something. To gaze one must pause and be still. In gazing, we take a momentary break from the rush or frenetic activity of common life. There is a particular feeling when we “fix the eyes” that is difficult to describe.

There are many possible objects of our gaze; a sunset or sunrise, a cloud, a range of mountains or an ocean.  The object may be closer; an insect working, a flower or falling snow. Most of the time, we find ourselves gazing at nature, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Taking the time to gaze at a loved one, who is engaged in some activity, can be quite satisfying as it reminds us of our appreciation for that person.

You see, I’ve been enjoying a bit of gazing this morning. As I write this, I’m alternating my focus between the laptop and the beach, but most of the morning I have been gazing exclusively. One can’t truly gaze, while trying to multitask. True gazing demands exclusive attention.

While most gazing occurs spontaneously, it can be deliberately cultivated. Try to find opportunities to pause, disengage from your busy day and gaze. It’s good for the soul.

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The Power of an Attitude of Gratitude

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thanksgiving_photoOnce more, scientific research has confirmed something that our parents and grandparents already knew; that counting our blessings will make us happier. In fact, practicing this one habit seems to improve our sense of emotional wellbeing more than any other behavior.

In the mid-1990’s, a branch of psychology began to emerge, called “Positive Psychology”. Rather than focusing on emotional illness or difficulties, this group turned their research toward increasing understanding of the factors that made some people exceptionally positive or mentally healthy.

We’ve all known some individuals who seem to handle life’s difficulties with exceptional grace, and just appear more happy, joyful or satisfied. They clearly experience their share of life’s up’s and down’s, but do with more peace and hope than most. The researchers in Positive Psychology studied such individuals to identify those traits, attitudes or habits they shared that allowed them to do this.

First, let’s look at the factors that did not predict happiness. The researchers found that material wealth or standard of living had very little to do with happiness. While the United States has the highest financial standard of living, we are clearly not the happiest people. Many people who have much less than us report that they are much happier.

The research also found that negative life events did not necessarily lower a person’s level of happiness on a long-term basis. Of course, one’s happiness does go down immediately after experiencing a negative life event, but the research found that the person’s level of happiness usually returns to their pre-event level within two years. This was even true when the negative event was extreme, such as spinal cord injury resulting in permanent paralysis. Interestingly, the same was true for positive life events. Immediately after the event, the person’s level of happiness did go up, but usually returned to their pre-event level within about two years.

The studies did find, however, that exceptionally positive people all share an attitude of gratitude. They report that they pay attention to the blessings in their lives. Most of them consciously and deliberately cultivate this feeling of thanksgiving in each day. Most report that, with practice, the attitude becomes more natural and automatic.

We can all learn to be more grateful. Make the decision to cultivate an attitude of gratitude starting today. Count your blessings. Write them down. Before your feet hit the floor each morning, make yourself think of five things you have to be thankful for. Thank those you love. Thank them for the things they do for you, but more, thank them for loving you and sharing your life. Look for opportunities to be thankful today. You just might find yourself feeling happier!