Category Archives: self-criticism

Posted on

Accepting the Gift of Forgiveness

by

Today we celebrate Easter. Christians around the world celebrate the fact that Jesus conquered death and the cross.man_praising_God We remember the gift, the sacrifice and a renewed relationship with our Creator. On this day, we are again reminded that we can be forgiven of our many mistakes, failings and faults. Because He paid our debt, we can be free of guilt and shame. It’s a gift; ours for the taking…  But, do we take it?

Over my thirty-two years of doing counseling, I have seen so many people who are weighed down by the burden of their past mistakes and failings. I have listened as they listed their bad choices, actions and outcomes. They didn’t have to recall them, because they were ever present in their minds. They never forgot them.

I have listened as they assumed the role of prosecutor, jury and judge, while laying out the evidence of their inadequacy and unworthiness. They presented their case, passed their verdict and handed down their sentence.

Unfortunately, the sentence was always life. It was a lifetime of shame, self-criticism, and sadness. There didn’t seem to be any parole or pardon. There was no hope of future freedom. The cell door was welded shut. There was no key.

Interestingly, most of these people were Christians, and fully believed in God’s forgiveness. They easily accepted the fact that any sin can be forgiven and forgotten, making the sinner clean, pure and free. They accepted this fact for everyone else, but not for themselves. Against all logic, they felt that they were somehow different. The couldn’t apply the truth to themselves.

In the thirteenth and fourteenth centuries, there was a religious group called the flagellants. They believe they must continually offer penance for their sins, and thus walked around whipping themselves on the back. The whips were often laced with sharp objects to increase the damage. Their bleeding and their scars served as a testimony to their inadequacy and shame.

Do you recite your list of mistakes in your mind? Have you sentenced yourself to a life sentence of self-criticism, self-blame and shame? Do you keep your self-esteem wounds open by continually picking at them or examining them?

Wouldn’t today be a great day to stop? Of course, you can’t stop such a habit in one day, but you can begin the journey. If you believe that Easter means that forgiveness is available, then today would be a good day to accept it, and begin the process of forgiving yourself.

To do this, you will have to remind yourself daily that your self-blame is unnecessary. You will have to apply the same rules of forgiveness to yourself that you have previously applied to others. You will have to catch yourself each time that you whip yourself with self-criticism; each time you re-live your past failings. You will have to be persistent. It will be worth it. Today, accept the gift of Easter!

 

Question: What steps have you taken to let go of your past, and forgive yourself? Your ideas might help someone else.

Posted on

The Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds on Your Educational and Career Success

by

This is the fourth of my four-part series on the impact of self-esteem wounds. We have looked at the impact of such successwounds on our mental health and overall well-being and on our relationships. Today we’ll examine their impact on educational and career success.

While self-esteem wounds can be in any area, we can generally divide them into person wounds and performance wounds. Person wounds occur when we feel that we are not likable or lovable and anticipate that we will be rejected or ignored. Performance wounds occur when we feel we are inadequate and incompetent and anticipate that we will fail or be judged.

As you might expect, performance wounds have a greater impact on educational or career success. While the fears of rejection, typical of person wounds, can make one back away from opportunities because of social fears, such an impact seems to be less frequent.

The impact of performance self-esteem wounds is pretty obvious. The person believes that she is not as smart, capable or competent as others. She looks at an educational possibility as totally out of her reach. She believes that others can do it, but not she. She chooses an easier major or a lesser degree.

When the employee questions his abilities, he will be less likely to share ideas in meetings. He will worry that his suggestions are unimportant or worthless. He will anticipate disapproval from others on the team. If he does speak up, his anxiety may impair his ability to present his ideas with clarity. He may seem hesitant and unsure of himself. Others may not give his recommendations proper consideration, completing his self-fulfilling prophesy.

It’s sad to think of the potential talent that has been ignored or wasted because of self-esteem wounds. These false, destructive self-beliefs prevent many from realizing their true potential. Highly intelligent and capable individuals settle for lesser positions and we all lose.

We need to do everything we can to help people recognize the presence of self-esteem wounds and promote healing. It is possible to heal self-esteem wounds. My book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart” is designed to do just that. It is actually a combination book and workbook, as the chapters conclude with exercises. You might also check out my webinar, “Reclaiming Your Positive Self-Esteem.” This four-hour course provides another resource for that healing.

 

Question: Have you seen the limiting effects of self-esteem wounds on yourself or someone you love? What steps have you taken to combat such wounds? 

Posted on

The Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds on Your Relationships

by

This is the third article in my series on the impact of self-esteem wounds. Today, we’ll look at the impact of these Self-Esteem and Relationshipswounds on relationships. We’ll examine how your choices, your perceptions and your reactions in relationships can be altered by self-esteem wounds.

A self-esteem wound is a negative belief about self that has been created by previous negative experiences. Such wounds can be classified as person wounds or performance wounds.

A person wound means that the individual believes that he is not likeable or lovable. He may expect or anticipate rejection.  Person wounds are produced when an individual experiences rejection or emotional distance from some family members or friends.

Performance wounds mean that the person believes that she is inadequate or not able to perform as well as others. She will anticipate that others are judging her and being critical. Performance wounds are created when one experiences harsh or frequent criticism or judgment during childhood.

Our Reactions:

First, let’s look at the impact of these wounds on your reactions in relationships. Scar tissue is more sensitive than the surrounding skin. Likewise, a self-esteem wound makes us more sensitive in that particular area.

Person wounds make us much more sensitive to incidents of rejection, disengagement or distance by others. When we are left out, we feel it more deeply. We hurt more intensely. Our reactions to perceived rejection are more intense or pronounced. Our partners may be confused and feel that we are overreacting. Conflicts may develop.

Performance wounds are similar. They make us more sensitive to incidents of criticism or judgment. We experience a deeper hurt when we feel criticized or judged. Our reactions may be anger and defensiveness or shutting down and distancing, but they are intense. Our partners may be not understand why we felt criticized or feel that we are overeating. Again, conflicts may ensue.

Our Perceptions:

Perception is the brain’s attempt to make sense of the world. Our senses send patterns of electrical signals to the brain. The brain then has to put those signals together in a way that makes sense and has meaning. For example, when you look at a flower, your eye sends patterns of electrical signals to your brain. It doesn’t send a picture of a flower. Your brain has to interpret those signals, based on prior experience, and identify those signals as a flower. This works perfectly most of the time, but perception can be distorted at times. We see examples of this when we look at optical illusions.

Perceptions of social or relationship events work in much the same way. We observe a person’s words, facial expressions, body position and behaviors and have to make sense of the information. Our brain puts the data together in a way that makes sense to us. We “read between the lines” and conclude more than we actually know. We assume what the other person is thinking or feeling, based on an interpretation of their tone of voice or facial expression. Like the flower example, our brains interpret the information based on prior experience. If we have experienced rejection in the past, we anticipate rejection and often perceive rejection, when it really isn’t there. Likewise, prior experiences of criticism or judgment cause us to perceive that others are criticizing us even when they aren’t doing so.

We don’t react to other’s actual intensions or feelings, because we can’t know those. We react to our perceptions of their intension or feelings. When we misperceive, problems occur. Conflicts and confusion follow.

Our Choices:

This issue is a bit complicated, but here goes. Our self-esteem wounds often have an impact on our choices of partners. We tend to find ourselves in relationships with people who frequently touch our wounds. Those with performance wounds (who are sensitive to criticism and judgment) tend to feel more attracted to people who seem critical or judgmental; people who seem hard to please. Those with person wounds (who are sensitive to rejection) of more attracted to people who seem distant or uncaring.

The pattern can be even more extreme. We often see the son of the alcoholic parent later marry the woman with alcohol or drug problems. Or we see the daughter of the abusive parent in an abusive marriage. Of course, this is not always true, but it often occurs.

It is important to note here that the partner rarely exhibits those behaviors in the beginning of the relationship. He or she isn’t critical, distant or abusive in the early stages of the relationship. Those behaviors don’t start until the relationship is firmly established.

Also, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you are in a relationship with the wrong person. It means that you have to work through how you react to those behaviors. Successful relationships can develop if we react to the other’s criticism or distance with vulnerable assertiveness. Being assertive, while sharing our hurts (not anger), can often bring relationship healing. Of course, we have to protect ourselves from abuse.

As I said, this issue is complicated. You can read more in “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

 

Question: Have you seen the impact of self-esteem wounds on your relationships? What steps have you found helpful in addressing such issues?

Posted on

The Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds on Mental Health

by

This is the second in my series on the impact of self-esteem wounds. Today we’ll look at the wound’s impact on thedepressed_man_001 individual’s emotional health, mood and general quality of life.

I’ve practiced outpatient psychotherapy for over 32 years and I have seen so many people who were experiencing depression that was fueled by self-esteem wounds (negative beliefs about self and negative self-talk). Now, I want to point out that depression can be caused by multiple factors including chemical imbalances, genetics and physical disorders, and should be evaluated and treated by a professional. The evaluation can begin with your primary care physician, a psychologist, counselor, social worker or psychiatrist.

So, not all cases of depression are caused by self-esteem wounds, but such wounds are often a major contributor. I will first talk to my new client about his symptoms, which can include sad mood, crying spells, decreased energy and motivation, difficulty making decisions, sleep and appetite changes, and sometimes suicidal thinking. I then try to gather information about the factors that may be driving those depressive symptoms.

The client will often share a history of negative experiences in childhood, negative beliefs about herself and hurtful relationships in adulthood. She will often blame herself for negative life events, poor choices and perceived failures. She will interpret events in the most negative way possible. She will often be angry at herself for her perceived faults.

Her negative thinking seems to be a constant companion. She says things to herself that she would never say to another human being. She abuses herself in her mind. She never even notices it, because she has done it so long.

This kind of thinking drains her mood, impacts her choices and steals any pleasure or enjoyment. One client said that her depression took the color out of her life, and that everything seemed to be black and white.

The negative impact of self-esteem wounds isn’t limited to those with clinical depression. Most people, with self-esteem wounds, are functioning quite well. They don’t look depressed. They don’t act depressed. They work beside you, attend your church, and perhaps even live in your house.

Their lives may not be severely limited by such wounds, but they suffer nonetheless. They keep their pain to themselves. You would never guess that their minds are filled with self-critical thoughts and self-doubt, but they are.

Comment:  Knowing the pain of self-esteem wounds and the prevalence of those wounds keeps me motivated to share tools for healing. Help me share this message. Share this post and share a comment on the world’s need for healing of self-esteem wounds.

 

Posted on

The Far-Reaching Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds

by

When a child experiences neglect, harsh or frequent criticism or abuse, his self-esteem is wounded. Since all childrenperson_in_crowd are egocentric, he will blame himself for his negative treatment. If the child is neglected or ignored, he will conclude that he is not lovable or likeable. If he is overly criticized, he will conclude that he is inadequate or incompetent. If he is abused, he will believe that he is bad, defective or even cursed. Thus, a wound to the self-esteem is inflicted, or what I call a “wound of the heart.”

No child is immune. Any child will respond to such negative experiences with similar conclusions. The difference between the child with low self-esteem and the one with a more healthy self-esteem is a difference in experience, not a difference in the strength or in the abilities of the child.

Further, without some intervention, the self-esteem wound will stay with the person throughout life. A child who believes she is unlovable or unimportant will usually maintain those beliefs in adulthood as well. The child who questions his abilities will doubt himself as an adult as well.

In this four-part series, we will examine the far-reaching impact of self-esteem wounds. We will look at the wound’s impact on (a) personal mental health and quality of life, (b) interpersonal relationships, and (c) educational and career performance.

In some ways, a self-esteem wound is similar to metastasized cancer. Over time, it spreads into all aspects of the victim’s life. The wound alters the person’s functioning and perception of every experience. Over time, it tends to impact everything.

In the next article, we will examine the impact of self-esteem wounds on the individual’s personal mental health and quality of life. We will look at the impact on mood, anxiety, and perception. We will explore the pain created by such wounds.

 

Question: Can you think of any other areas where self-esteem wounds have an impact that I need to cover? Thank you for your comments!

Posted on

The Power of Your Thinking

by

Young Woman Biting Her Finger NailAs a man thinks in his heart, so is he.
Proverbs 23:7

You talk to yourself all day. All your waking hours, you are thinking in words and sentences. You carry on an internal conversation with yourself. You comment on events, ask yourself questions and then answer them. This is normal. We all do it, but we usually aren’t aware that we’re doing it.

Have you ever stopped to consider the impact of all this internal chatter? You might be surprised at the degree to which your thoughts influence your mood, guide your perceptions and direct your behaviors. We would all do well to pay attention to the content of our thoughts, and consider their influence on our mood and choices. Have negative thought patterns caused you to experience unnecessary pain or make unhealthy choices?

The power of our thinking is magnified by the sheer volume of thoughts that go through our minds each day. Thousands of words, hundreds of phrases, judging thoughts, assuming thoughts, emotionally charged thoughts, all passing unquestioned into our minds and hearts.

A little internal observation will reveal that we all have habitual patterns of thinking. Some of us tend to think optimistic thoughts and some pessimistic thoughts. Some people are kind to themselves in their thoughts and some are very self-critical. Some people tend to be skeptical of others and some trusting in their thoughts.

This week, pay attention to your thoughts. Notice what you are saying to yourself. Particularly, notice any repeated patterns of negative thinking. Also, notice how your thoughts influence your mood and your behaviors. Was a negative or irritable mood preceded by negative thinking? Was a depressed mood preceded by self-critical or pessimistic thoughts? I believe that a little self-examination will reveal a connection between your self-talk and your life experience.
There are many forms of negative thinking can hurt us. In future posts, I will be addressing several specific types of negative thinking and providing tools we can use to change our thinking and improve our lives. For now, just notice the internal conversation as you go through your day. Become aware of your thoughts, your assumptions and your attributions. Awareness is the beginning of change.

Question: What techniques have you found to be helpful in monitoring your self-talk? Can you see a connection between the quality of your daily life experience and the thoughts that are going through your head?

Posted on

Comparing Ourselves With Others

by

… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,    Romans 3:23

 

When we experience self-esteem wounds, we tend to feel alone. We assume that other people don’t have the samegirl_looking_in_mirror thoughts, feel the same feelings or experience the same failings. We feel “less than” when we compare ourselves to those around us.

And we do compare. We compare physical appearance; more wrinkles, more weight, less hair. We compare possessions; smaller house, older car, cheaper clothes. We compare our relative successes; less status, less salary, more failures. We compare, even when we try not to compare.

And we find ourselves lacking. Others look like they have it all together. They act happier and more confident. They seem more comfortable in social situations. They don’t look insecure, uncertain or full of self-doubt.

Its’ not surprising that we see others this way. It’s because almost everyone works so hard to act like they have it all together. It deludes us into thinking that they really do. We then are left with the misguided conclusion that our troubles, insecurities, doubts and fears are unique and a testament to our defects and weaknesses. Of course, we then feel forced to work harder to act like we have it all together. We hide our doubts and insecurities so we will look good.

So do they.

To be human is, by definition, to be imperfect. All humans have faults, imperfections, doubts, fears, insecurities and failures. As Paul said, “all have sinned and fail short…”

Comparison with others is a trap. Any comparison with others will mess you up. If you see yourself as superior, you will become vein and prideful. If you see yourself as inferior, you will become ashamed and depressed. Either way you lose.

The truth is we are neither, better or worse. We are the same. We are all in the same boat. We have “all sinned and fall short…” No one is any better than you, and no one is any worse. Recognizing that fact, knowing it in your heart, is strangely comforting.

It is a fact. You are not less than any other human being. The only choice now is whether or not you choose to accept and believe it.

 

Question: Tell us your thoughts on this tendency to compare ourselves with others. Also, please share any techniques you found successful to stop the comparisons.

Posted on

Your Do-It-Yourself Guide to Fighting Depression- Part 2

by

In the last post, we looked at depression as being similar to a mean, ugly, parasitic troll, which had gotten your body andtroll_2 mind. This destructive troll wants to grow stronger, so it makes you do the very things that feed it. Unfortunately, as it grows stronger, you grow weaker. Such is the course with all parasites.

This troll makes you feel fatigued, weak, heavy, and drained so you decrease your physical activity. When you’re depressed, you just want to sit, or worse, stay in bed. You almost yearn to be still and move as little as possible.

The depression troll makes you decrease your physical activity because this worsens the depression. To fight the depression you must make yourself do as much physical activity as possible. While this can be difficult, and seem impossible, you can do little bits of activity at a time. Then you can gradually increase the amount of activity.

Today, will cover the second do-it-yourself tool to fight depression. While the depression troll works to make you decrease your physical activity, he also works to make you decrease your social activity. He makes you want to withdraw from others. He makes you isolate yourself.

The depression makes you uncomfortable being around other people. You feel that you don’t fit in. You imagine that they are thinking negative things about you. You perceive that they are judging you. You feel more comfortable when you are alone.

Even when you are around others, you don’t talk as much or share as much. You feel a distance, even when others are in the same room as you. You feel disconnected. You may perceive that others are backing away from you, but it’s more likely that they are simply responding to your distance.

Your do-it-yourself tool is to make yourself do the opposite of what the depression troll makes you want to do. You approach others. You identify those in your life that have been the most supportive and positive toward you, and you approach them. You call them on the phone. You write an email. You invite them to lunch or a Saturday shopping trip. You make yourself spend time with others.

Then you try to make yourself connect. You make yourself talk, even when you don’t feel like it. You make yourself talk, even when you don’t think you have anything to say. You force yourself to make and maintain eye contact. You connect.

This will be uncomfortable at first. Every fiber of your being will want to run away, find an excuse to withdraw and go back to bed. That’s normal. Connect anyway.

Even if you don’t enjoy this increase in social contact, it helps significantly in fighting the depression. It starves that parasitic depression troll, until he just decides to leave you. I don’t know why it works, despite the fact that you don’t enjoy it, but it does work.

Do it now. Call that old friend or family member. Send a re-connection email. Just come out of your room and spend time with your family. Look them in the eye. Smile. You’re not alone.

Question: What do you feel contributes most to the depressed person’s tendency to withdraw, even from those who love them?

Posted on

Your Do-It-Yourself Guide to Fighting Depression (Part 1)

by

Are you suffering from depression? Is someone you love suffering with depression? Suffering is the operable term here, because depression is trolltruly painful. People with both chronic physical pain and clinical depression have told me that they would rather have the physical pain than the depression. The pain of clinical depression is hard to describe, but you’ll know it if you get it.

The most effective treatment for depression is a combination of medication and cognitive psychotherapy, but sometimes those treatments are unavailable or may not be working well enough for you. Whether or not you are getting professional treatment, there are several do-it-yourself actions you can take to fight your depression.

Sometimes it helps to have a different way of perceiving depression. Think of your depression as a parasitic, mean, ugly troll that has gotten into your body and mind. This troll wants to grow, and it doesn’t care what it does to you. It is truly a parasite. The depression troll grows by making you do the very things that will feed it. It makes you yearn to do the things that make it grow and become stronger. By resisting these tendencies, you can weaken your depression and starve that mean, ugly, parasitic troll and make him go away.

There are four areas where the depression troll influences your behavior. To fight the depression and starve the troll, you have to do the opposite of what he makes you want to do. In order to give each area proper attention, we’re going to consider the four depression fighters in four consecutive blog posts. This is the depression fighter for today:

DEPRESSION FIGHTER NUMBER ONE:

INCREASE PHYSICAL ACTIVITY

Your depression troll makes you decrease your physical activity. You feel tired all the time. You don’t feel like doing anything. You don’t want to move. You feel heavy and drained of energy. The troll makes you feel this way because it feeds the depression, making it grow. The less you move, the more depressed you become. In contrast, the more you move, the less depressed you become.

Any activity or movement helps. Even getting up from the couch and walking around the house helps some. Any activity that makes your muscles move and speeds up your heart and breathing fights depression. Walking is a very effective depression fighter. A 20-30 minute walk every day would be great, but any amount helps. It seems to help the nervous system’s balance the neurotransmitters (the chemical foundation of depression).

I do realize that getting up off the couch or out of bed can feel like a monumental endeavor. It can feel totally impossible if your depression is severe. You may have to begin with very small increases in physical activity. Take a shower and get dressed. Walk from one room to the next. Step outside for a little while. Try to push yourself, but don’t chastise yourself if you can’t. Just try again later. Keep trying. Persistence is often the key to defeating depression.

You might also recruit a family member or friend to help you increase your physical activity. Tell them to push you, without fussing at you. This can be a fine line, so they will have to be careful, but the benefits of a supportive friend can be enormous.

Next week, we’ll look at the second step in your do-it-yourself guide to fighting depression, but for now try to increase your physical activity as much as you can each day.

Question: Share some actions that have helped you or a loved one fight depression.

Posted on

The True Source of Your Self-Criticism

by

This is the fifth in my series on the teachings of the Bible regarding self-esteem. We are looking at various aspects of self-esteem from a scriptural perspective. So far, we have established that we are precious and loved by God, and that wwhisperinge don’t have to do anything to earn that love. The fact that we are imperfect sinners doesn’t alter His love for us in any way. Finally, we have seen that we should be humble in our relationship with God, realizing that we are totally dependent on Him.

So, if we are so precious and loved by our Father, why do we experience self-esteem difficulties and why do so many have self-critical thoughts? Why do we not recognize our true, God-given worth? Why are so many people so miserable?

To answer these questions, we have to look at scriptures on Satan and sin. In John 10:10, we are told:

Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.     John 10:10

There are various ways to interpret this verse, but I believe that Satan comes to:

-steal your proper identity as a beloved creation of God

-kill your joy in this life and

-destroy your ability to serve God.

Look at the fruits of your self-critical thoughts. Does God benefit from the names you call yourself? Do your negative assumptions of your future bring Him joy? Is His kingdom advanced by your belief that you aren’t as important or lovable as other people? Do your feelings of inadequacy help you reach out to others or share the gospel?

Satan benefits from our self-demeaning and self-critical thoughts. In fact, I believe that Satan feeds us self-critical and self-demeaning thoughts because it serves his purposes. When we have negative beliefs about ourselves, and our thoughts are bombarded by self-criticism, our behaviors and our choices change. We sometimes become negative or mean toward others, inducing pain. We certainly are being negative and mean toward ourselves. We become ineffective in sharing God’s love. We back away from important activities because we feel inadequate or unworthy. Many feel they cannot even attend church because they have done too many bad things. We don’t experience joy, and we certainly don’t experience abundant life.

In Revelation 12:10, John writes:

For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.          Rev. 12:10

 

He accuses us both day and night. Does that sound familiar?

Unfortunately, when Satan accuses us, it sounds like our own voice. We don’t recognize the source of the thought. We accept the thought without question. It becomes as natural as breathing. With each self-critical thought, he has won another battle.

Would your reaction be different if you immediately recognized those self-critical thoughts as coming from Satan? Would you listen to them and accept them if the voice sounded like Satan? Would it make a difference if the voice you heard was raspy and sinister like a movie monster? Of course it would. Unfortunately, the voice sounds like your own. You have to remind yourself of the true source. You have to catch the thoughts and refuse to listen. You have to be diligent in changing your thinking. You might try praying that God will help you stop being self-critical. He just might!