Category Archives: Self-Esteem

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Letting Go Of Other’s Opinions

Worrying about other's opinions can limit your life.

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“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

                                                                                                  Lao Tzu

 

It can control, stifle, limit, or even destroy us. It can lower self-esteem and create anxiety or depression. It’s the angry_old_womanalmost universal human tendency to worry about other people’s opinions.

 

We watch the expressions on other’s faces. We try to analyze what they meant by certain statements. We imagine what they might be saying behind our backs.

 

We do some things because others will think less of us if we don’t. We avoid other things because they may disapprove if they find out. We make our choices based on our predictions of their judgment.

 

Some people live their entire lives under the shadow of other’s opinions, totally sacrificing their own dreams and goals. The opinions of others blare loudly in their minds, drowning out their own thoughts, values and dreams.

 

Here are several truths that can help us lesson our concerns with other’s opinions.

 

  1. No one knows as much about your situation, and the factors leading to your choices as you do. Unfortunately, people make judgments without knowing all the facts. Since their opinions are based on ignorance, they shouldn’t count.
  2. Most of the time, people are thinking about you less than you imagine. They probably have no opinion about you one way or the other.
  3. It is true that there are some people who tend to be very disapproving and judgmental. They are going to find something wrong no matter what you do. It seems to me that they are actually the ones who have the greatest problems.
  4. Others are simply human just like you. Why would you consider their opinion to be superior to your own? They are just as likely to be wrong as you are. Actually, more so since we are talking about your life choices, not theirs.

 

Try to do the right thing. Try to be kind and loving toward others, when you can. Try to live your life consistent with your true values. Learn to live your life deliberately. Then try to let go of your worries of other’s opinions. You won’t be able to do it immediately. You will have to practice it daily. Hard work, but worth it!

 

 

Comments: Please share your thought about our tendencies to worry about the opinions of others.

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Motivation by the Carrot or the Stick

Does reward or punishment work better as a self-motivation?

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Do you tend to use a carrot or a stick on yourself? This idiom refers to the idea that a cart driver can use a carrot or amotivation by reward or punishment stick to motivate a horse to move forward, thus pulling the cart. The horse will either move forward by the enticement of the carrot, or by the avoidance of punishment via the stick.

Research suggests that some people are more responsive to reward and others more responsive to punishment. Interestingly, it seems that genetics may determine which works better for you. Some people are genetically more responsive to dopamine, while others are more responsive to serotine, and this seems to make the difference.

Research also suggests, however, that punishment can create unexpected and unwanted outcomes. Sometimes punishment can backfire by actually increasing the undesired behavior, creating negative emotions or increasing aggression.

The impact of the carrot or stick choice can really be seen when we are trying to motivate ourselves. We can motivate ourselves by setting up rewards for getting tasks done. For example, we might give ourselves a night out as a reward for cleaning out a closet.

We can also reward ourselves by imagining or visualizing the natural positive consequences of working hard and completing a task. I did this during graduate school, as I imagined myself enjoying working in my private practice, as a motivation to work hard on my doctoral studies. It really did work to keep me going during the hard times.

People use punishment on themselves when they put themselves down or criticize themselves for poor performance. They beat themselves up, and claim this is necessary to make them try harder. It almost never works, and reminds me of the old poster saying, “The beatings in this company will continue until morale improves.”

So today, watch your thinking to see whether you use a carrot or stick on yourself. Consider the possibility that your self-punishment is actually hurting your performance. Try visualizing the positive results when you accomplish a task, or promising yourself a pleasurable activity for task success. I think you’ll find that it works better as a motivation, and doesn’t damage your self-esteem.

 

Comments: Please share some of your experiences with the motivators of reward and punishment.

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Being Human

A few facts to consider when assessing your self-esteem or self-worth.

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When writing and teaching about self-esteem, I’m often urging people to reconsider their negative self-beliefs andgirl_looking_in_mirror work toward healing self-esteem wounds. I point out that every human being has worth, and try to help people gain a healthy perspective on themselves.

But today, I thought it might be interesting to consider just what it means to be human. Exactly who are we in the grand scheme of things?

First, we are mammals, like cows, dogs, sheep, monkeys, etc. we are born alive and we nurse our young. We are totally helpless when we are born, and remain totally helpless longer than any other mammals. Without someone else taking total care of our physical needs, we would die quickly.

We live a fairly short life. In the United States, the average life expectancy is 79 years (76 years for males and 81 years for females). In other countries of the world, the average life expectancies range from 84 years in Japan to only 46 years in Sierra Leone. While living to around 80 years may seem like an eternity to a sixteen year old, those of us in the last half of the trip realize that it is a blink of an eye.

For years, people have quoted that the actual chemical worth of the elements in a human body (calcium, carbon, iron, etc.) is about 97 cents, but inflation has helped us a bit. It is now said that our various raw ingredients are worth about $5:00. I guess that’s one way to feel better about ourselves.

From a psychological perspective, we can sometimes be a mess. We operative out of raw emotion far too often. We are constantly assuming what others think and feel, and we’re often wrong. We incessantly compare ourselves to other humans, as if we could actually do such a thing objectively. We all tend to have our insecurities, but work so hard to give the impression that we have it all together.

But, at the same time, we humans can do great and wonderful things. We often give our money, our time and even our lives to help the people we love, and even those we don’t know. We can entertain dreams and ideals and then move mountains to attain them. We have the ability to love selflessly. We often show great courage and determination. We have the capacity to touch others in a meaningful and last way, even when we don’t realize that we have done so.

And we actually are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” The human brain, that 3 lb. mass of pink tissue behind your forehead, contains about 100 billion neurons. There are anywhere from 1,000 to 10,000 synapses in each neuron. Neurons develop at a rate of 250,000 neurons per minute during early pregnancy, and humans continue to develop new neurons throughout life due to mental activity. No computer has ever been created that remotely matches the capacity of one human brain.

I said earlier that the raw chemicals of the human body were worth about $5.00. While that is true, the synthesized components of one human body (e.g. hemoglobin) would actually cost about $56,000,000. That seems a little better doesn’t it?

Fact is, you are an amazing creation. Now, live today like you know that!

 

Comments: Please share your thoughts or questions about what it means to be human.

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“I know why you did that.”

Our assumptions about other's behaviors are often wrong.

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We do it all the time. We all do. We observe someone’s behavior and immediately assume we know why they did Young Woman Biting Her Finger Nailwhat they did. We do it so often, that we don’t even notice it.

Someone doesn’t return a phone call or a text. A co-worker leaves a meeting early. An acquaintance walks by us without speaking. A friend doesn’t voice agreement when we state an opinion. A spouse avoids talking about a recent disagreement. A loved one hasn’t called in a while.

The list could go on. We observe an endless number of behaviors from other people every day, and we assume what those behaviors mean about the person’s feelings, opinions, intentions or attitudes. Our assumptions are often wrong, but we feel quite certain that we are right.

We misread other’s behaviors because we tend to believe that other people think the same way we do. We look at their behaviors and ask ourselves what it would mean if we did the same behavior in the same situation. “If I did that in this situation, it would mean that I was feeling…” We then assume that the other person must be feeling the same way.

We also assume that we know all the information we need to know to interpret the person’s behaviors. This assumption is often wrong. The late Dr. Steven Covey shared a particularly moving example in his book, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”

Dr. Covey was riding on a subway car in New York City. It was a pleasant Sunday morning ride, with most passengers quietly reading their newspapers. A man and his three children get on the train. As the car was fairly full, they had to sit in different places. The man just sat looking down at the floor. The kids, however, were hyper and argumentative. Their behaviors worsened as the train progressed. Other passengers were watching these unruly kids and waiting on the father to correct them, but he just sat there staring at the floor. As the misbehavior worsened, Covey spoke to the man and asked him if he couldn’t say something to his kids, as they were being a disruption to the other passengers. The man looked up, as if in a daze. He responded that he guessed he should say something to them. He went on to say that they just came from the hospital and that their mother just died. He said that he didn’t know how to deal with it and guessed they didn’t either.

With the new information, Dr. Covey’s attitude toward the man and the children suddenly changed. He had assumed that this was an uncaring father, and that these were obnoxious children. He now saw the father and the children as hurting and confused. He asked the father if he could help him with the children until he came to his stop. He now felt compassion rather than irritation.

Before assuming that you know why someone is exhibiting a behavior, remind yourself that you may not have all the information. It will also help if you can remember that the other person may perceive or think differently from yourself.

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Does Your Self-Esteem Suffer From Cherry Picking?

Selective Attention can maintain or worsen our self-esteem wounds.

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Wikipedia (the on-line encyclopedia) defines cherry picking as “the fallacy of incomplete evidence” or the act of self-esteem cherry pickingpointing to individual cases or data that seem to confirm a particular position, while ignoring a significant portion of related cases or data that may contradict that position.” So, we do cherry picking when we pay attention to those instances that confirm our prior belief, while discounting or completely ignoring the instances that would refute our prior belief.

Cherry picking is a major factor in the maintenance and worsening of self-esteem wounds. It allows the person to maintain a negative belief about herself, despite a significant amount of evidence to the contrary. In cognitive psychology, this is called selective attention.

For example, a child who experiences harsh criticism learns to see himself as inadequate or a failure. As an adult, he “cherry picks” by focusing his attention on his failures, while ignoring or dismissing his successes. Any compliment he receives is discarded as a kind gesture. A 100 on a test is discounted in his mind by statements such as, “I got lucky” or “It was an easy test.” On the other hand, his failure experiences are analyzed, reviewed, and long remembered as indisputable evidence of his inadequacy.

Another example of cherry picking is occurs when the person with low self-esteem compares herself with other people. She selectively pays attention to a positive trait of one acquaintance, wishing she could be more like her. She then pays attention to a different positive trait in another person, wishing she could be like him in that way.  She ignores the negative traits of each person, leaving her with a strengthened belief that she is inadequate, compared to most people.

A wife and mother may envy another woman who keeps a spotless house, while ignoring the fact that the woman seems very irritable toward her children. She then envies another mother, who seems to have more patience with her children, while ignoring the fact that her house is cluttered. She is, thus, left with the impression that she is a failure as a housekeeper and a mother.

Sometimes when I hear someone cherry picking, I ask them to identify any person that they know well, with whom they would completely change places. I ask if they would they exchange all their own traits and characteristics with all the other person’s traits and characteristics. In others words, they would have to exchange all the good and bad traits of the other person. I’ve never had anyone to say that they would.

Next time you notice that you are comparing yourself with others, consider the possibility that you are cherry picking. Also, notice where you focus your attention. Make a deliberate effort to notice your positive traits, characteristics and circumstances, as much as you do your negatives. See how that makes you feel.

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You’re Not Alone

Self-Esteem Wounds Can Make Us Feel Like Our Problems Are Unique.

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Do you sometimes feel that everyone else has it all together except you? Do you feel that others don’t worry as muchperson_in_crowd as you, or that others don’t suffer from the insecurities that haunt you? Does it seem that they feel more confident, comfortable or content than you?

Perhaps you feel that your life circumstances are more difficult than others. It just seems that others are less plagued by the hardships you endure. Of course, you know better. It doesn’t take much effort to remember someone whose problems outweigh your own. When you think of their pain, you feel guilty for bemoaning your own lesser problems. Even when we know better, we often feel that our problems are unique, and that others are somehow free of similar afflictions. We feel alone.

This perception is fostered by the fact that most people try to act like they actually do “have it all together.” We try to act cool, calm and collected. We want to appear okay. After all, the common response to the question, “How are you?” is “Fine.”

The perception is also fostered by the Facebook phenomenon. So many people read other’s Facebook posts about their wonderful vacations, children and spouses and wonder, “What am I doing wrong?”

It’s really unfortunate that most people try so hard to appear as if they have it all together. It makes us feel like we are unique in our insecurities. So of course, we then have to try harder to act like we have it altogether. Seems a bit circular, doesn’t it?

The fact is that the human condition is shared by all humans. If they look like you on the outside (you know, two eyes, a nose and a mouth) they are probably a lot like you on the inside. If anyone tells you that they never experience insecurities, it just means that they’re too insecure to be honest.

You might benefit from a shift in attention. Rather than focusing your attention on how others see you, focus on really looking at others. Really listen to them. Try to understand others on a deeper level. Try to listen with empathy or compassion. I have found that it is impossible to be self-conscious and other-conscious at the same time. Even when you can’t see it, assume that they too have their story. Listen for it. See if you can help. You’ll feel better for it.

Comment: Share an experience that helped you realize that your feelings or difficulties were not unique to you.

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Your Self-Esteem Wound as a Computer Virus

Recognizing the Virus of the Mind and Getting Rid of It

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computer_virusThink of your mind as a computer. When you were born, you came with the software necessary to live and grow. Unfortunately, you were also born with a vulnerability to misinformation and viruses.

The Impact of Misinformation:

As you grew, you were exposed to misinformation. This information was usually entered into your system by people who were given the same misinformation earlier in their lives. They didn’t realize the information was false, so they passed it along to you. You had no way of knowing that the information was false, so you recorded it into your hard drive and it became a part of your operating system.

A Virus of the Mind:

Sometimes the false information only did minor damage, but sometimes it contained a virus. A computer virus is much more harmful than simple misinformation. A virus gets into the core of the computer. It often damages the operating system. The computer can’t function normally. Simple tasks become very difficult. The virus sometimes shuts the computer down completely.

The Damage of the Virus:

The virus then gets into various programs and alters their function and performance. Because of the virus, the computer will often relay inaccurate information. The virus can impact everything. The virus is destructive, sometimes devastating.

Getting rid of a computer virus isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work. Sometimes it requires help from a professional. But the work is worth it.

The Computer is Innocent:

Finally, you wouldn’t blame your computer if it acquired a virus. The virus and the person who sent it would be at fault, not your computer. The computer couldn’t help it. It simply processed the information it was given. So did you.

Dealing With Your Virus:

Your virus may have been the message that you were unimportant or unlovable. It could have caused by harsh criticism or judgment, making you believe that you were inadequate or incompetent. It could have been the virus of abuse. This is often the most devastating virus of all. It creates shame, and makes the victim feel deeply defective.

The first step in ridding your computer of a virus is recognizing that it has that virus. You then have to take deliberate, purposeful steps to get rid of it. You have to recognize that the computer wasn’t at fault. The virus and the sender were at fault.

Try to remember that your negative self-esteem wounds were not present at birth. They were implanted during child and later. They don’t belong there. Begin the work of ridding yourself of those wounds. You’ll be glad you did.

 

Comments: Can you share any other metaphors of negative self-beliefs, or ways to rid one’s self of them?

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Consider the Source of Your Self-Esteem Wounds

Recognizing the True Nature of Those Who Hurt You

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Most people with self-esteem difficulties can trace their wounds back to a family member or caretaker who was yelling_parentharshly critical, rejecting, abandoning or abusive. Those people’s behaviors toward the child conveyed messages that he or she was defective, bad or not good enough.  Later, those self-esteem wounds were deepened by a few relationships where the individual received similar negative treatment.

Often, the individual can identify others in their lives who treated them with love and respect, but the negative messages seems to dominate. I’m not sure why this occurs, but the child’s self-esteem seems to be impacted more by the negative caretakers than by the positive ones. Oh, they love the positive people and enjoy spending time with them, but their self-beliefs tend to be molded by the negative people.

A few years ago, I created an exercise where I ask clients to compose a list of people who have conveyed positive messages about them, and a list of people who have been negative about them. The lists can include people from their past and present. They can also include family members, friends, co-workers and teachers. When finished, they have two lists of names; those who made them feel valuable and competent and those who made them feel inadequate or unimportant.

Try doing this now. Write down (or at least mentally identify) your personal list of positive and negative people. You may have some people who could fit on both lists, but try to put most on one side or the other. Now consider the following questions.

  1. Which group would you say that you like the most, the positive or the negative? You may love people on both lists, but which do you like most?

Almost everyone says that they like the positive people most. The choice isn’t difficult.

  1. Which group would you say that you trust the most, positive or negative?

For example, if you needed an opinion about someone you had never met, which group’s opinions about the person would you trust most? Most choose the positive group.

  1. Which of the two groups are the most mentally healthy or stable?

In your estimation, which group demonstrates characteristics of mentally healthy people? Most say the positive.

  1. Do people in the negative group treat others negatively as well, or are they just negative toward you?

Have you seen them treat others as they treated you? Do you recall thinking that their treatment of someone wasn’t fair or warranted? Most say the negative people treated others negatively as well.

  1. Which group’s opinions of you do you seem to think about the most?

Which group has had a more powerful impact on your perceptions of yourself? Which group most deeply influenced the way you defined yourself? Unfortunately, most people say the negative group. The wounds of the negative group seem to dominate.

 

So, the end conclusion is that most people allow their self-esteem to be defined by people they don’t like, don’t trust, consider to be mentally ill and who treat others badly as well. Read that sentence again. Does it surprise you?

This exercise is designed to help people “consider the source” of their negative self-esteem beliefs. Hopefully, it will help you put the negative messages they conveyed in a more proper perspective.

 

Comments: How did this exercise impact your perspective on the negative people in your life?

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Helping Yourself by Helping Others

The Benefits of Serving Others

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I have said many times that the best therapy I could ever get is to provide therapy for others. My occasional feelingshelping_hands of discouragement or self-pity soon disappear when I turn my focus toward helping someone else.  My personal concerns fade into the background as I work to serve them.

This, of course, isn’t a new idea. We’ve long known that serving others is good medicine. We feel better when we put someone else above ourselves. We are created for community, and personally benefit from acts to take care of those around us.

We know this truth, but often forget it when we most need it. When we’re down, we become focused on ourselves. We dwell on our difficulties. We review our mistakes or failures, and anticipate future catastrophes.

Because of this internal focus, we imagine that other people are free of such problems. We assume that others are happier and more satisfied. We believe them to be more self-confident and comfortable with themselves. On some level, we know better. We just forget.

I even apply this principle of “serving others” when doing public speaking. Since publishing the “Parables” book, I have done a lot of speaking engagements. I truly enjoy doing workshops or presentations, but I do have a secret.

Before I begin speaking, I deliberately shift my focus to the audience. I ask myself why they are there. What are they looking for in this workshop? What might be going on in their lives? How can my material serve them? How can I help them? By focusing on them, I lose myself. I become more comfortable. This principle holds true when speaking to a group or to one person.

It is impossible to be self-conscious and other-conscious at the same time. When you are fully conscious of another person, you lose consciousness of yourself. When you are truly thinking about them, you stop worrying about what they are thinking about you.

Research shows that volunteering improves the health, happiness, and in some cases, the longevity of the volunteers. Studies also show that people who volunteer tend to have higher self-esteem, happiness and psychological well-being.

So give it a try. Reach out to someone. Think of someone you know who could use a visit, a phone call or a card. Identify an organization that could use your help. Call them and ask if they accept volunteers. Focus your attention on serving someone else. I’ll bet you’ll find that helping them helps you.

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Can One’s Self-Esteem Be Too Good?

Why do some people act arrogant?

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Is it possible for a person’s self-esteem to be too good? What if a person is arrogant or conceited? What if someone arrogant_manthinks too much of themselves? I hear these questions a lot.

I don’t think it is possible for a person’s self-esteem to be too good. To understand this, we need to examine what it means to have a good self-esteem. Let’s look at the relationship of self-esteem to arrogance or conceit.

Consider the following graph:

 

Bad Self-Esteem                                       Average Self-Esteem                              Great Self-Esteem

|__________________________|__________________________|

I’m worse than others.                           I’m equal to others.                              I’m better than others.

I’m not good enough.                            I’m as good as others.                                      I’m the best.

 

If you accept this graph, it would be possible for someone to have an inflated, arrogant or conceited self-esteem. I believe this graph to be inaccurate, and would substitute the following graph.

 

 

Bad Self-Esteem                                                                                    Healthy Self-Esteem

|____________________________________________|

I’m worse than others.                                                                         I’m equal to others.

I’m not good enough.                                                                           I’m as good as others.

I’m better than others.

I’m the best.

 

According to this graph, a truly healthy self-esteem means that the person perceives herself as equal to others, not better or worse. A bad self-esteem is characterized by the attitude of inferiority or superiority.

 

So where does arrogant behavior come from? I believe it stems directly from a low self-esteem. When someone has a low self-esteem, he can react by acting inferior, or he can hide the self-esteem wounds by acting superior or arrogant.

 

His outward behaviors may appear conceited. He may even tell himself that he is superior. But his behavior and thoughts are simply efforts to deny inner self-esteem wounds. His arrogant behaviors are attempts to draw attention to himself and present a positive impression on others. He often puts others down to elevate his own position.

 

Think about it. If one truly has a healthy self-esteem, he has no need to act arrogant. He feels comfortable with himself and doesn’t need to build himself up. He doesn’t need to brag or elevate his position, because he realizes he, like all other people, has intrinsic worth. He doesn’t compare himself with others, because he knows that he, like others, has strengths and weaknesses, that he will perform better than others in some areas, and worse than others in other areas.

 

From the Christian view, a healthy self-esteem means that the person recognizes the reality of self. She knows that she is a sinner like everyone else, and that she can do nothing in her own strength. However, she also knows that she is precious and loved by her Creator. She rests in the knowledge that she is unconditionally loved and not alone. This perspective leaves no room for arrogance or conceit.

 

The individual with good self-esteem tries to treat others with respect, recognizing that she is equal to others, and that they are equal to her. Given this perspective, wouldn’t it be a better world if everyone had a good self-esteem.

 

 

Question: Do you agree or disagree with the position that arrogant behavior is actually a cover up for low self-esteem? Please share your thoughts.