Category Archives: Self-Esteem

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Are You Making Jed Clampett’s Mistake?

Are Self-Esteem Wounds Causing You To Miss Out on Gifts You Already Own?

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When I was a kid, I liked to watch the Beverly Hillbillies. For those of you who are way too young, this was a Jed_Clampettsituation comedy about a poor mountaineer family who struck oil on their property, became rich, and moved into a Beverly Hills mansion. Each episode portrayed their confusion, ignorance, and occasional wisdom, as they encountered some aspect of Beverly Hills life.

Jed Clampett was the patriarch of the family. He discovered the oil when he shot into the ground, and “up came a bubbling crude.” Prior to the discovery, he and his family had lived in a little shack, with just enough food to survive.

The irony was that Jed Clampett had always been rich. He had always owned the oil. He just didn’t know it. The riches were just under the surface, waiting to be discovered.

Through the years, I have seen many people who are rich, but don’t know it. They suffer because they can’t see the gifts they already own. They mistakenly perceive themselves to be poor, so they life like they are poor.

These people aren’t living on an oil field. Their riches aren’t material or financial. Their gifts are actually much more valuable. Recognition of their gifts would certainly change their lives, even more than the Clampett’s.

Their unrecognized gifts may be personal abilities, character strengths or relationships. They fail to see these riches because of earlier self-esteem wounds. At some time in their childhood, they were led to believe that they were inadequate, defective or unimportant. Because they were just children, they believed these messages and failed to see the truth.

There was the very intelligent high school senior who never considered college because his father called him an idiot and told him that he would never amount to anything, or the talented musician and singer who never shared her music because a critical piano teacher told her that she lacked talent.

Then there was the sensitive, compassionate woman, who saw her caring nature and empathy as a weakness, because some mean girls in school made fun of her for being too emotional, or the boy who was ostracized because he his values prevented him from joining in on bullying a classmate.

There was the depressed, suicidal man who believed his family and the world would be better off without him, despite the fact that he had a loving family and many caring friends, who worried about him. Fortunately, his suicide attempt was unsuccessful, and he was able to discover the truth.

Finally, there was the woman who had been repeatedly abused and rejected in childhood and adulthood. She believed the abuse to be her fault, assuming that she had some defect that made her unlovable. She told me that she prayed every day that God would love her. I pointed out that this prayer was part of her problem. I told her that she was praying the wrong thing, because God already loved her. I suggested that she pray that God would help her see how much He loved her. She started praying this way, and initiated her healing.

Are you missing out on gifts you already possess? Are you living a life of emotional poverty, when your gifts are just below the surface? You can discover these riches, and your life can change. Just ask Jed Clampett.

 

Question: What talents, characteristics or love have you missed, because of your self-esteem wounds? How would your life change if you opened those gifts?

 

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You Can Conquer Your Fear of Failure Now

The Impact of Failure on Self-Esteem

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Failure is as much a part of life as breathing. We all fail. I suppose the only way to completely avoid failure is to never do anything, but then we would just fail at life.

The key to emotional well being is not to avoid failure (because we can’t), but to handle failure appropriately. Our looking_downreactions to failure experiences determine their impact on our self-esteem. We can see a failure as evidence of our total inadequacy or as an unfortunate event.

When a child is criticized harshly or frequently, his self-esteem will be wounded. He will conclude that he is inadequate or defective. He will see himself as less smart or capable. He will tend to blame himself for any negative life circumstances and perceive that others are judging him. Any failures, even small, will take on enormous importance, as “proof” of the victim’s inadequacy. Consequently, the person will approach any performance situation with tremendous anxiety.

The problem lies in the perception of failure’s consequences. Dennis Waitley, Ph.D. shared an excellent metaphor for this difficulty.

Imagine that I had a twenty foot long board, that was twelve inches wide and four inches thick. I put the board on the ground and asked you to walk its length, from one end to the other. I told you that if you could do so without stepping off, I would give you a hundred dollars. Would you do it? Of course you would, easy task, sufficient reward.

But now lets imagine that I put one end of the board on a twenty story building, and put the other end on an adjacent twenty story building, with a twenty story alley below. Then imagine that I put the $100.00 bill on the other end of the board, with a rock on it, just in case the wind blew. Your task would be to walk across the board, without stepping or falling off, to get the money.

Would you do it now? Would you try to walk across the twelve inch wide board to get the $100.00 bill? I certainly hope not.

But let’s look at the difference. The task is actually the same in both situations, to walk the length of a twenty foot long board, that is twelve inches wide. The only difference is the penalty of failure.

When the board is on the ground, failure simply means that you don’t get the $100.00. When the board is on the building, the penalty is death.

People who have a fear of failure perceive every task as being a board on a building. Every performance feels like life-and-death. They may intellectually know that this is not the case, but their physical reactions give it away. Their hearts race. Their breathing becomes short and shallow. Their muscles tense. Their bodies are preparing for fight or flight.

In a sense, the person with a performance-based self-esteem wound is facing a life-or death event. The potential death is to the self-esteem, not to the body. They fear failure because they believe that it defines them. It doesn’t.

Now, I can almost hear you saying to yourself, “but I fail all the time.” This statement is a reflection of the wounded self-esteem, not reality. No one fails all the time. It’s just that a performance self-esteem wound makes you notice your failures more than your successes. It makes you perceive every negative circumstance as your fault. You don’t pay attention to your successes, so you don’t remember them.

Pay attention to your reactions to failure, or potential failure. Notice how your body reacts. Try to remind yourself that the board is actually on the ground. If you fail, you won’t get what you wanted, but you usually won’t die. You will be disappointed, but the failure won’t actually define you. At least, not unless you let it.

 

 

Comment: What about your reactions to failure? Have you discovered techniques that have helped you deal more effectively with failure? Please share them.

 

 

 

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Life is Difficult

A Tribute To Scott Peck, MD, Author of "The Road Less Traveled"

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I believe that this is one of the best opening pages I’ve ever seen to a personal growth book. I can especially relate to the last line. Think about it.

 

“Life is difficult.

This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth, because once we truly see this Scott_Pecktruth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult, no longer matters.

Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, or their difficulties, as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy. They voice their belief, noisily or subtly, that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation, their race or even their species, and not upon others. I know about this moaning, because I have done my share.”       (The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, MD)

 

Comment: Please share your reactions to this quote. Thank you!

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Is Your Self-Doubt Killing Your Dreams?

You Can Conquer Self-Doubt and Achieve Your Purpose!

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Self-doubt is a ruthless dream killer.

Yesterday, I talked with someone who has huge potential. He is intelligent, kind, thoughtful and has a good depressed_man_001personality. He described a dream he has held since middle school. His dream was a good one. I could feel his excitement as he shared the plans he had made, his educational goals, and his visions of his future day-to-day activities.

He then shared how his dreams fell apart. He lamented that he was now in his mid-thirties, and that he had totally given up on the dream. He explained that, while his interests and personality led him in the direction of the dream, he had “realized” that he just didn’t have the ability.

He related a series of events that made him question his abilities. He felt he just was not smart enough to do it. He had settled for a lower, less demanding path. He gave up on his dream. Actually, his self-doubt had killed the dream.

Self-doubt seems to be found deep in our core being. It is often just under our conscious awareness. We don’t consciously think about self-doubt. Rather, we think the thoughts that are generated by our self-doubt. Thoughts such as, “I don’t think I’m cut out for this” or “I’m not smart enough for that” or “Nobody will want to read my writing.” The thoughts slip through our minds so easily that we barely notice them.

As I talked with the young man, I asked him what he would recommend to a friend in the same situation. He quickly said he would tell the friend to go for his dreams. He then added that his friends had told him the same.

We then discussed small steps he could take to move forward toward his dreams. The small steps seemed much more manageable for him. He made a commitment to start investigating his options.

Everyone has self-doubt at times. The severity of self-doubt depends on the individual’s experience. Those who experienced harsh criticism or academic difficulties usually carry a greater amount of self-doubt.

Pay attention to your self-doubt tendencies. Consider the possibility that your self-doubt is based more on your prior negative experiences, rather than on your actual abilities.

My hope is that you will pursue your dreams and not give up until you’re living them!

 

Comments: Share your experiences of pursuing and attaining your dreams, despite moments of self-doubt.

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Seven Ways Your Self-Critical Brain is like a Terrorist

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All too often, I have seen the damage done by self-criticism. I have shared the message that self-esteem wounds andterrorist self-critical thoughts are learned, but not accurate. I have pointed out the fact that such thinking is destructive and dangerous.

I thought that this comparison might get the message across. Here are seven ways that your self-critical brain is like a terrorist.

 

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist began as innocents without hate.

You weren’t born self-critical. You were born innocent and precious just any other baby. You had no positive or negative self-esteem. Likewise, the terrorist was not born hating others. He was like any other innocent baby. You weren’t born hating or criticizing yourself either.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist were given the wrong messages.

The terrorist was taught to hate. The terrorist was taught that certain others were the enemy. The negative messages you received, early in your childhood, taught you to dislike yourself. The messages taught you that you were the enemy and you’ve treated yourself that way ever since. Those messages were destructive lies. The terrorist’s messages were as well.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist were restricted from hearing the right messages.

The terrorist was surrounded by people who preached a message of hate. In childhood, most terrorists were not exposed to outside influences. He didn’t have the opportunity to see that other groups were made up of humans much like him. Later in life, he may have been exposed to people outside his group, but he looked at them with distrust. His attention focused on the negative characteristics of the “others.” His skewed perceptions only strengthened his belief that the “others” were the enemy and should be hurt or eliminated.

Likewise, your self-critical brain restricts you from hearing right messages. You pay attention to the times when you are criticized or when you fail. Your brain discounts your successes as luck, or as unimportant. You imagine others are criticizing you, even when they aren’t thinking of you at all. As a result, you are impacted by the negative messages and are restricted from positive experiences.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist simply absorbed what was given.

A sponge will soak up whatever it is exposed to. If it is placed in pure, clean water, it will soak it up. If it is exposed to acid, it will soak that up as easily. The sponge doesn’t differentiate. Children are the same. If a child is exposed to messages of hate and terror, they will soak that up. If they are exposed to messages of criticism and inadequacy, they will absorb that as well.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist consistently act on their beliefs.

A terrorist seems to be consistent. His choices, thoughts and emotions are guided by his learned beliefs of hate. He may not be doing anything destructive right now, but he is simply waiting on the opportunity. Your self-critical brain is also consistent. Your choices, thoughts and emotions are dictated by your self-esteem wounds. A little self-examination will reveal that your self-critical perceptions infiltrate every aspect of your life.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist will hurt (or kill) you.

The terrorist is dangerous. His purpose is to hurt and kill those outside his group. He rejoices in the terrorist act, because that is his mission. Your self-critical brain will also hurt you. Each self-critical thought chips away at your sense of worth or competency. Your self-critical brain can also kill you. Most suicide victims believed the world would be better off without them. They mistakenly believed that they were a problem to the ones they loved. They then acted to eliminate the problem.

  1. Your self-critical brain and the terrorist can change.

There are a few examples of terrorists who changed their beliefs of hate. Somehow, they were able to see that those outside their group were humans just like them. They abandoned their terrorist mission. Your self-critical brain can change as well. Like the terrorist, you will have to be exposed to competing messages. You will have to see strong evidence that your self-critical beliefs were destructive and wrong. You will have to be deliberate at changing these beliefs. It will take time, but it can happen. Begin today.

You can master the tools to change your self-critical beliefs and thoughts in my book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart: Overcoming the Wounds to Your Self-Esteem and Transforming Your Perception of You.” You can find it at Amazon.com:

 

 

Question: Can you see other similarities between the self-critical brain and a terrorist? Do you have any other comparisons? If so, please share.

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Accepting the Gift of Forgiveness

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Today we celebrate Easter. Christians around the world celebrate the fact that Jesus conquered death and the cross.man_praising_God We remember the gift, the sacrifice and a renewed relationship with our Creator. On this day, we are again reminded that we can be forgiven of our many mistakes, failings and faults. Because He paid our debt, we can be free of guilt and shame. It’s a gift; ours for the taking…  But, do we take it?

Over my thirty-two years of doing counseling, I have seen so many people who are weighed down by the burden of their past mistakes and failings. I have listened as they listed their bad choices, actions and outcomes. They didn’t have to recall them, because they were ever present in their minds. They never forgot them.

I have listened as they assumed the role of prosecutor, jury and judge, while laying out the evidence of their inadequacy and unworthiness. They presented their case, passed their verdict and handed down their sentence.

Unfortunately, the sentence was always life. It was a lifetime of shame, self-criticism, and sadness. There didn’t seem to be any parole or pardon. There was no hope of future freedom. The cell door was welded shut. There was no key.

Interestingly, most of these people were Christians, and fully believed in God’s forgiveness. They easily accepted the fact that any sin can be forgiven and forgotten, making the sinner clean, pure and free. They accepted this fact for everyone else, but not for themselves. Against all logic, they felt that they were somehow different. The couldn’t apply the truth to themselves.

In the thirteenth and fourteenth centuries, there was a religious group called the flagellants. They believe they must continually offer penance for their sins, and thus walked around whipping themselves on the back. The whips were often laced with sharp objects to increase the damage. Their bleeding and their scars served as a testimony to their inadequacy and shame.

Do you recite your list of mistakes in your mind? Have you sentenced yourself to a life sentence of self-criticism, self-blame and shame? Do you keep your self-esteem wounds open by continually picking at them or examining them?

Wouldn’t today be a great day to stop? Of course, you can’t stop such a habit in one day, but you can begin the journey. If you believe that Easter means that forgiveness is available, then today would be a good day to accept it, and begin the process of forgiving yourself.

To do this, you will have to remind yourself daily that your self-blame is unnecessary. You will have to apply the same rules of forgiveness to yourself that you have previously applied to others. You will have to catch yourself each time that you whip yourself with self-criticism; each time you re-live your past failings. You will have to be persistent. It will be worth it. Today, accept the gift of Easter!

 

Question: What steps have you taken to let go of your past, and forgive yourself? Your ideas might help someone else.

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The Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds on Your Educational and Career Success

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This is the fourth of my four-part series on the impact of self-esteem wounds. We have looked at the impact of such successwounds on our mental health and overall well-being and on our relationships. Today we’ll examine their impact on educational and career success.

While self-esteem wounds can be in any area, we can generally divide them into person wounds and performance wounds. Person wounds occur when we feel that we are not likable or lovable and anticipate that we will be rejected or ignored. Performance wounds occur when we feel we are inadequate and incompetent and anticipate that we will fail or be judged.

As you might expect, performance wounds have a greater impact on educational or career success. While the fears of rejection, typical of person wounds, can make one back away from opportunities because of social fears, such an impact seems to be less frequent.

The impact of performance self-esteem wounds is pretty obvious. The person believes that she is not as smart, capable or competent as others. She looks at an educational possibility as totally out of her reach. She believes that others can do it, but not she. She chooses an easier major or a lesser degree.

When the employee questions his abilities, he will be less likely to share ideas in meetings. He will worry that his suggestions are unimportant or worthless. He will anticipate disapproval from others on the team. If he does speak up, his anxiety may impair his ability to present his ideas with clarity. He may seem hesitant and unsure of himself. Others may not give his recommendations proper consideration, completing his self-fulfilling prophesy.

It’s sad to think of the potential talent that has been ignored or wasted because of self-esteem wounds. These false, destructive self-beliefs prevent many from realizing their true potential. Highly intelligent and capable individuals settle for lesser positions and we all lose.

We need to do everything we can to help people recognize the presence of self-esteem wounds and promote healing. It is possible to heal self-esteem wounds. My book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart” is designed to do just that. It is actually a combination book and workbook, as the chapters conclude with exercises. You might also check out my webinar, “Reclaiming Your Positive Self-Esteem.” This four-hour course provides another resource for that healing.

 

Question: Have you seen the limiting effects of self-esteem wounds on yourself or someone you love? What steps have you taken to combat such wounds? 

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The Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds on Your Relationships

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This is the third article in my series on the impact of self-esteem wounds. Today, we’ll look at the impact of these Self-Esteem and Relationshipswounds on relationships. We’ll examine how your choices, your perceptions and your reactions in relationships can be altered by self-esteem wounds.

A self-esteem wound is a negative belief about self that has been created by previous negative experiences. Such wounds can be classified as person wounds or performance wounds.

A person wound means that the individual believes that he is not likeable or lovable. He may expect or anticipate rejection.  Person wounds are produced when an individual experiences rejection or emotional distance from some family members or friends.

Performance wounds mean that the person believes that she is inadequate or not able to perform as well as others. She will anticipate that others are judging her and being critical. Performance wounds are created when one experiences harsh or frequent criticism or judgment during childhood.

Our Reactions:

First, let’s look at the impact of these wounds on your reactions in relationships. Scar tissue is more sensitive than the surrounding skin. Likewise, a self-esteem wound makes us more sensitive in that particular area.

Person wounds make us much more sensitive to incidents of rejection, disengagement or distance by others. When we are left out, we feel it more deeply. We hurt more intensely. Our reactions to perceived rejection are more intense or pronounced. Our partners may be confused and feel that we are overreacting. Conflicts may develop.

Performance wounds are similar. They make us more sensitive to incidents of criticism or judgment. We experience a deeper hurt when we feel criticized or judged. Our reactions may be anger and defensiveness or shutting down and distancing, but they are intense. Our partners may be not understand why we felt criticized or feel that we are overeating. Again, conflicts may ensue.

Our Perceptions:

Perception is the brain’s attempt to make sense of the world. Our senses send patterns of electrical signals to the brain. The brain then has to put those signals together in a way that makes sense and has meaning. For example, when you look at a flower, your eye sends patterns of electrical signals to your brain. It doesn’t send a picture of a flower. Your brain has to interpret those signals, based on prior experience, and identify those signals as a flower. This works perfectly most of the time, but perception can be distorted at times. We see examples of this when we look at optical illusions.

Perceptions of social or relationship events work in much the same way. We observe a person’s words, facial expressions, body position and behaviors and have to make sense of the information. Our brain puts the data together in a way that makes sense to us. We “read between the lines” and conclude more than we actually know. We assume what the other person is thinking or feeling, based on an interpretation of their tone of voice or facial expression. Like the flower example, our brains interpret the information based on prior experience. If we have experienced rejection in the past, we anticipate rejection and often perceive rejection, when it really isn’t there. Likewise, prior experiences of criticism or judgment cause us to perceive that others are criticizing us even when they aren’t doing so.

We don’t react to other’s actual intensions or feelings, because we can’t know those. We react to our perceptions of their intension or feelings. When we misperceive, problems occur. Conflicts and confusion follow.

Our Choices:

This issue is a bit complicated, but here goes. Our self-esteem wounds often have an impact on our choices of partners. We tend to find ourselves in relationships with people who frequently touch our wounds. Those with performance wounds (who are sensitive to criticism and judgment) tend to feel more attracted to people who seem critical or judgmental; people who seem hard to please. Those with person wounds (who are sensitive to rejection) of more attracted to people who seem distant or uncaring.

The pattern can be even more extreme. We often see the son of the alcoholic parent later marry the woman with alcohol or drug problems. Or we see the daughter of the abusive parent in an abusive marriage. Of course, this is not always true, but it often occurs.

It is important to note here that the partner rarely exhibits those behaviors in the beginning of the relationship. He or she isn’t critical, distant or abusive in the early stages of the relationship. Those behaviors don’t start until the relationship is firmly established.

Also, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you are in a relationship with the wrong person. It means that you have to work through how you react to those behaviors. Successful relationships can develop if we react to the other’s criticism or distance with vulnerable assertiveness. Being assertive, while sharing our hurts (not anger), can often bring relationship healing. Of course, we have to protect ourselves from abuse.

As I said, this issue is complicated. You can read more in “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

 

Question: Have you seen the impact of self-esteem wounds on your relationships? What steps have you found helpful in addressing such issues?

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The Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds on Mental Health

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This is the second in my series on the impact of self-esteem wounds. Today we’ll look at the wound’s impact on thedepressed_man_001 individual’s emotional health, mood and general quality of life.

I’ve practiced outpatient psychotherapy for over 32 years and I have seen so many people who were experiencing depression that was fueled by self-esteem wounds (negative beliefs about self and negative self-talk). Now, I want to point out that depression can be caused by multiple factors including chemical imbalances, genetics and physical disorders, and should be evaluated and treated by a professional. The evaluation can begin with your primary care physician, a psychologist, counselor, social worker or psychiatrist.

So, not all cases of depression are caused by self-esteem wounds, but such wounds are often a major contributor. I will first talk to my new client about his symptoms, which can include sad mood, crying spells, decreased energy and motivation, difficulty making decisions, sleep and appetite changes, and sometimes suicidal thinking. I then try to gather information about the factors that may be driving those depressive symptoms.

The client will often share a history of negative experiences in childhood, negative beliefs about herself and hurtful relationships in adulthood. She will often blame herself for negative life events, poor choices and perceived failures. She will interpret events in the most negative way possible. She will often be angry at herself for her perceived faults.

Her negative thinking seems to be a constant companion. She says things to herself that she would never say to another human being. She abuses herself in her mind. She never even notices it, because she has done it so long.

This kind of thinking drains her mood, impacts her choices and steals any pleasure or enjoyment. One client said that her depression took the color out of her life, and that everything seemed to be black and white.

The negative impact of self-esteem wounds isn’t limited to those with clinical depression. Most people, with self-esteem wounds, are functioning quite well. They don’t look depressed. They don’t act depressed. They work beside you, attend your church, and perhaps even live in your house.

Their lives may not be severely limited by such wounds, but they suffer nonetheless. They keep their pain to themselves. You would never guess that their minds are filled with self-critical thoughts and self-doubt, but they are.

Comment:  Knowing the pain of self-esteem wounds and the prevalence of those wounds keeps me motivated to share tools for healing. Help me share this message. Share this post and share a comment on the world’s need for healing of self-esteem wounds.

 

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The Far-Reaching Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds

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When a child experiences neglect, harsh or frequent criticism or abuse, his self-esteem is wounded. Since all childrenperson_in_crowd are egocentric, he will blame himself for his negative treatment. If the child is neglected or ignored, he will conclude that he is not lovable or likeable. If he is overly criticized, he will conclude that he is inadequate or incompetent. If he is abused, he will believe that he is bad, defective or even cursed. Thus, a wound to the self-esteem is inflicted, or what I call a “wound of the heart.”

No child is immune. Any child will respond to such negative experiences with similar conclusions. The difference between the child with low self-esteem and the one with a more healthy self-esteem is a difference in experience, not a difference in the strength or in the abilities of the child.

Further, without some intervention, the self-esteem wound will stay with the person throughout life. A child who believes she is unlovable or unimportant will usually maintain those beliefs in adulthood as well. The child who questions his abilities will doubt himself as an adult as well.

In this four-part series, we will examine the far-reaching impact of self-esteem wounds. We will look at the wound’s impact on (a) personal mental health and quality of life, (b) interpersonal relationships, and (c) educational and career performance.

In some ways, a self-esteem wound is similar to metastasized cancer. Over time, it spreads into all aspects of the victim’s life. The wound alters the person’s functioning and perception of every experience. Over time, it tends to impact everything.

In the next article, we will examine the impact of self-esteem wounds on the individual’s personal mental health and quality of life. We will look at the impact on mood, anxiety, and perception. We will explore the pain created by such wounds.

 

Question: Can you think of any other areas where self-esteem wounds have an impact that I need to cover? Thank you for your comments!