Category Archives: Self-Worth

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The Impact of the Ultimate Love

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Feeling loved by another person is powerful. When we feel loved, without doubts, we feel more alive. Knowing that person’s love can make us God's_Childfeel warm, accepted and peaceful.

But human love has its limitations. It can be conditional and depend on our good or bad behavior. It may also depend on the other person’s mood or perspective. We can argue that the person doesn’t really know us or that the love is temporary.

So, what about God’s love. His love is unconditional. We can’t do anything to make God love us more and we can’t do anything to make Him love us less. He loved us while we were still sinners. Like everything else about God, his love is greater than we can imagine.

Imagine how our moods, choices and perspective would change if we allowed ourselves to experience a deep awareness of God’s love and felt it fully as we went through our days. How would it impact us? How would it impact our self-esteem? How would it impact our anxiety, depression and fears?

I think being a parent allows us to experience a small sample of God’s love. Your baby didn’t have to do anything to be loved by you. He couldn’t do anything to earn your love. He just ate, slept and pooped, yet your love welled up within you and nothing could stop it.

You held that baby in your arms as he slept. You gazed at his face or fingers and watched him breath. This was a powerful moment of your love for your baby. Have you ever considered that God watches you sleep with the same love you felt (and much, much more).

In 1962, Karl Barth, considered by many to be the greatest protestant theologian of the twentieth century, was giving a lecture. After the lecture, he was asked by a student if he could sum up all of theology in one sentence. His reply was that all theology was summed up by a line from a song that he sang at his mother’s knee:

“Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.”

 Today, work on reminding yourself that you are deeply loved by the creator of the universe; your creator. Remind yourself that this love is totally unconditional and permanent. Feel your Creator’s love, and see if it doesn’t change your day… and your life.

 

Questions/Comments: Please share a moment when you felt your Creator’s love and how it changed you.

 

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Your Do-It-Yourself Guide to Fighting Depression- Part 2

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In the last post, we looked at depression as being similar to a mean, ugly, parasitic troll, which had gotten your body andtroll_2 mind. This destructive troll wants to grow stronger, so it makes you do the very things that feed it. Unfortunately, as it grows stronger, you grow weaker. Such is the course with all parasites.

This troll makes you feel fatigued, weak, heavy, and drained so you decrease your physical activity. When you’re depressed, you just want to sit, or worse, stay in bed. You almost yearn to be still and move as little as possible.

The depression troll makes you decrease your physical activity because this worsens the depression. To fight the depression you must make yourself do as much physical activity as possible. While this can be difficult, and seem impossible, you can do little bits of activity at a time. Then you can gradually increase the amount of activity.

Today, will cover the second do-it-yourself tool to fight depression. While the depression troll works to make you decrease your physical activity, he also works to make you decrease your social activity. He makes you want to withdraw from others. He makes you isolate yourself.

The depression makes you uncomfortable being around other people. You feel that you don’t fit in. You imagine that they are thinking negative things about you. You perceive that they are judging you. You feel more comfortable when you are alone.

Even when you are around others, you don’t talk as much or share as much. You feel a distance, even when others are in the same room as you. You feel disconnected. You may perceive that others are backing away from you, but it’s more likely that they are simply responding to your distance.

Your do-it-yourself tool is to make yourself do the opposite of what the depression troll makes you want to do. You approach others. You identify those in your life that have been the most supportive and positive toward you, and you approach them. You call them on the phone. You write an email. You invite them to lunch or a Saturday shopping trip. You make yourself spend time with others.

Then you try to make yourself connect. You make yourself talk, even when you don’t feel like it. You make yourself talk, even when you don’t think you have anything to say. You force yourself to make and maintain eye contact. You connect.

This will be uncomfortable at first. Every fiber of your being will want to run away, find an excuse to withdraw and go back to bed. That’s normal. Connect anyway.

Even if you don’t enjoy this increase in social contact, it helps significantly in fighting the depression. It starves that parasitic depression troll, until he just decides to leave you. I don’t know why it works, despite the fact that you don’t enjoy it, but it does work.

Do it now. Call that old friend or family member. Send a re-connection email. Just come out of your room and spend time with your family. Look them in the eye. Smile. You’re not alone.

Question: What do you feel contributes most to the depressed person’s tendency to withdraw, even from those who love them?

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The single biggest problem in communication…

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I couldn’t agree more with this post by Otrazhenie. We assume we know that the other person is thinking or their intentions or their feelings. So often we are completely wrong, but don’t believe we are wrong. We then act on our mistaken assumptions, hurting the relationship and the other person. Don’t assume. Don’t do mind reading. Ask for clarification. Tell them your assumption and ask them if it’s correct. Notice how many times you are wrong. Your relationships will be better for the effort!    Terry Ledford, Ph.D.

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Story!

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You may be surrounded by wonderful, well-meaning people, but only you can know your needs, feelings and purpose. You can listen and learn from others, but you can’t allow them to direct your life. Live your life deliberately!

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The True Source of Your Self-Criticism

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This is the fifth in my series on the teachings of the Bible regarding self-esteem. We are looking at various aspects of self-esteem from a scriptural perspective. So far, we have established that we are precious and loved by God, and that wwhisperinge don’t have to do anything to earn that love. The fact that we are imperfect sinners doesn’t alter His love for us in any way. Finally, we have seen that we should be humble in our relationship with God, realizing that we are totally dependent on Him.

So, if we are so precious and loved by our Father, why do we experience self-esteem difficulties and why do so many have self-critical thoughts? Why do we not recognize our true, God-given worth? Why are so many people so miserable?

To answer these questions, we have to look at scriptures on Satan and sin. In John 10:10, we are told:

Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.     John 10:10

There are various ways to interpret this verse, but I believe that Satan comes to:

-steal your proper identity as a beloved creation of God

-kill your joy in this life and

-destroy your ability to serve God.

Look at the fruits of your self-critical thoughts. Does God benefit from the names you call yourself? Do your negative assumptions of your future bring Him joy? Is His kingdom advanced by your belief that you aren’t as important or lovable as other people? Do your feelings of inadequacy help you reach out to others or share the gospel?

Satan benefits from our self-demeaning and self-critical thoughts. In fact, I believe that Satan feeds us self-critical and self-demeaning thoughts because it serves his purposes. When we have negative beliefs about ourselves, and our thoughts are bombarded by self-criticism, our behaviors and our choices change. We sometimes become negative or mean toward others, inducing pain. We certainly are being negative and mean toward ourselves. We become ineffective in sharing God’s love. We back away from important activities because we feel inadequate or unworthy. Many feel they cannot even attend church because they have done too many bad things. We don’t experience joy, and we certainly don’t experience abundant life.

In Revelation 12:10, John writes:

For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.          Rev. 12:10

 

He accuses us both day and night. Does that sound familiar?

Unfortunately, when Satan accuses us, it sounds like our own voice. We don’t recognize the source of the thought. We accept the thought without question. It becomes as natural as breathing. With each self-critical thought, he has won another battle.

Would your reaction be different if you immediately recognized those self-critical thoughts as coming from Satan? Would you listen to them and accept them if the voice sounded like Satan? Would it make a difference if the voice you heard was raspy and sinister like a movie monster? Of course it would. Unfortunately, the voice sounds like your own. You have to remind yourself of the true source. You have to catch the thoughts and refuse to listen. You have to be diligent in changing your thinking. You might try praying that God will help you stop being self-critical. He just might!

 

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The Truth About Your God-Given Self-Esteem

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happy_womanSo far, in this series on our God-given self-esteem, we have looked at David’s statement in Psalm 8:5 that we are “a little lower than the heavenly beings… and crowned with many crowns.” We have also established that we are to be humble. Humility is simply a recognition of the fact that we are sinful beings and totally dependent on God. Finally, we distinguished the difference between accurate humility and self-punishment. The first reflects truth and is useful. The second reflects a lie and is destructive.

In today’s blog, I want to examine more scriptures concerning our true identity, thus our proper self-esteem. I think that it’s important to take these scriptures quite literally, and let their words sink in. We often pay attention to the scriptures that reflect our preexisting beliefs, while skimming over those that challenge our prior views.

1. First, we see that we are amazing and wonderful creations of our Heavenly Father. We are “fearfully and wonderfully made.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.   Psalm 139:13-14

You are one of His wonderful works, specifically and personally formed by Him; not an accident, not a mistake. You were meant to be here. You are as precious and wonderful as any other human being, including those you love.

2. Then we are told that we have a purpose. God, our creator, has a plan for us. Whether or not it is clear to you, you are meant to be here. There is a reason you are here.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

You have a future and a hope. God plans for your welfare. Watch expectantly!

3. Finally, we are told that our creator loves us so much….

For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.   John 3:16

 And that we didn’t have to do anything to earn that love.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8

So, you are wonderfully made (just like those you love). God has a plan and purpose for your life (just like those you love). And God loves you enough to die for you, without you having to do anything to earn that love (just like those you love). It’s often easy for us to imagine God loving others, particularly those we know and love. However, we often have difficulty accepting His love for us, because we feel so unlovable. Yet, because it is the truth, we must accept that love.

Ponder on that love. Let it soak in like warm sunshine, as it permeates your body. Take the time to feel it. If you have difficulty, keep trying. You might try praying that God will help you to feel that love. He will.

 

 

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Confusing Humility with Self-Punishment

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What does The Bible say about our proper self-esteem? As Christians, how should we see ourselves? How should we think of ourselves? This is the third in a series of blogs on “Our God-Given Self-Esteem?
In the last blog, I discussed scriptures pointing out that we should be humble in our relationship to God. We have to realize that we are totally dependent on God and can do nothing by ourselves. We also must recognize that we are sinners and are helpless without His grace. This is just reality. We lose much when we forget our dependence on God.
Many times, however, Christians have taken this truth and carried it to the extreme, believing that they should be self-depreciating and self-punishing. Many people live their lives riddled with extreme guilt, and self-criticism or even self-abuse, thinking that they are being good Christians.
For most this has taken the form of self-critical thoughts and consuming guilt or sadness. Throughout history, others have gone even further. Some have practiced “mortification of the flesh,” believing that they should punish themselves because of their lowly, sinful nature. This self-punishment has taken the form of wearing sackcloth, extreme fasting, carrying heavy loads, wearing a tight garment or band with inward spikes that pierce the flesh (called a cilice) and flagellation (constantly whipping oneself with a whip).
While most of us would never consider such extreme forms of self-punishment, we often abuse ourselves in our minds. When we flood our minds with self-critical, self-demeaning or self-abusive thoughts, aren’t we just substituting the flagellation whip with words? In fact, I think the physical whip might be less painful than the words. Physical wounds heal faster than emotional wounds.
Notice your self-talk. Listen to the statements you say to yourself, particularly when you have made a mistake or fallen short of your expectations. Are you being overly harsh with yourself? Would you say the same words to anyone else? Are you abusing yourself with your words? Are you verbally flagellating yourself?
Would now be a good time to lay down the whip?

Question: Have you experienced religious messages that you should be self-depreciating or self-punishing? Do you believe such messages to be helpful or harmful to one living life abundantly and with joy?

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Self-Esteem and Humility

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humble_manIn my last blog, I introduced a series on our God-Given Self-Esteem, examining the teachings of the Bible on the proper way we should see ourselves. We examined David’s words that God made man “a little lower than the heavenly beings, and crowned him with many crowns.” (Psalms 8:5) Unfortunately, we rarely believe or accept this definition of our identity.

In today’s post, we will examine the Biblical teaching that we should be humble. How does this teaching impact any work to raise self-esteem? How can we be humble and still consider ourselves “a little lower than the heavenly beings?” Can we be humble and still be “crowned with many crowns?”

Here are some scriptures that teach us to be humble:

 

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has given you. (Romans 12:3)

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”  (James 4:6)

 …for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)

 

I believe that these scriptures point to a simple truth. They do express reality. We are totally dependent on God. We can do nothing without Him. We are all sinners, saved only by grace.

There is a God and I’m not Him. I can’t comprehend the vastness of the universe. Why, I can barely figure out my cell phone. When considering an all-knowing, all-powerful and all-loving God, any attitude other than humility would be foolish.

My efforts to help people recognize and heal self-esteem wounds is not intended to negate the above scriptures. I believe that any good counseling is a movement toward the truth, and I believe these scriptures are true. We have to be responsible for our mistakes and hurtful behaviors. We all have to recognize our limitations.

But these limitations are universally human. We are all in the same boat. We are all merely human. That’s not a personal defect, it’s just the truth of our identity. In this sense, we should always be humble.

In the next post, we’ll examine how a proper self-esteem can be humble, yet positive. We’ll look at how the world conveys lies that wound self-esteem and destroy our joy. We’ll identify the internal comparison that damages self-esteem.

Question: Have you known anyone that seemed to possess both humility and positive self-esteem? How did they demonstrate this?

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Your God-Given Self-Esteem

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What does the Bible say about a true, scriptural self-esteem? How does God want us to see ourselves? I believe scripture is prettyGazing_at_sky clear on this subject. This entry is the first of a series of blogs in “Your Core Value” that specifically addresses self-esteem from a Biblical standpoint. In today’s blog, we are looking at Psalm 8:3-5.

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.

When we read through the Psalms, we find that David was amazingly open with God about his feelings. Sometimes he was praising and dancing before the Lord. Sometimes, he was angry with God and complaining that God wasn’t acting when he felt he should. But here, we see a contemplative David. I can imagine him lying on his back in a field, gazing up at the stars. As he reflects on the vastness of the universe and the wonders of his earthly home, he asks, “What is man that you would be mindful of him?” He could have easily personalized it by saying, “Who am I that you would be mindful of me?”

It’s actually a common question. Who am I? How does God see me? Am I important, and if so, why? What is my worth? What is my value? What is the truth about me?

Our self-esteem is defined by the beliefs we hold about ourselves and how we fit, or do not fit into the world. In “Parables for a Wounded Heart,” I describe how negative childhood experiences tend to wound the self-esteem and create negative self-beliefs. Unfortunately, our self-esteem is often determined by the comparisons we make between ourselves and others.

In this scripture, however, David is asking the proper question. God, who do you say that I am? He goes to the source, the creator. He asks the source of truth for the truth.

But then, David seems to answer his own question. He reminds himself of what he already knows. “But, you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with many crowns.” This isn’t a question. It’s a statement of a truth David has gleaned from scripture and many years of intimate time with his God.

So, how often do you feel “a little lower than the heavenly beings?” On some days, do you feel a little lower than a snake’s belly? Do you feel “crowned with many crowns” or crowned with a dunce cap? If this scripture describes our true identity, then why do we not feel that way?

How do you think your life would be different if you truly felt a little lower than the heavenly beings? Would you stand taller, dream bigger, proceed with more courage and confidence? Would you serve better?

Also, how do you think you would treat others if you realized that they too, are just a little lower than the heavenly beings? Would you show more compassion and patience? Would you honor others more?

Take some time to reflect on David’s words about your identity. You are “a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned with glory and honor.” The same is true of those you encounter today. If you are a little lower than the heavenly beings, perhaps you should stand taller, smile broader and walk with a spring in your step. Consider what it would look like if you treated yourself and those you meet with honor. Try it on and see how it fits.

In future blogs, we’ll consider other scriptures that answer the question; Who am I?” We’ll continue to explore you God-given self-esteem.

 

Question: How do David’s words impact your perceptions of your worth or importance?