Category Archives: Uncategorized

Posted on

Onion People and Garlic People

by

I once heard a psychologist say that people can be divided into two personality types: onion people and garlic people. He said onion people are like an onion. If you eat an onion, it can have a strong taste. It can cause heartburn and indigestion. It can cause discomfort or pain to the one eating it, but onion breath isn’t too bad. If you eat garlic, it doesn’t have a strong taste. It doesn’t usually cause heartburn or indigestion. Garlic causes no discomfort or pain to the one eating it, but garlic breath reeks.

The psychologist said that onion people tend to be very hard on themselves. Onion people cause pain to themselves, but they work very hard to avoid hurting anyone else. On the other hand, garlic people are never hard on themselves. Garlic people cause no pain for themselves, but they hurt everyone around them. They take no blame but are quick to place the blame on others. You can usually identify those people in your life that are onion people and those that are garlic people.

We have to respond to onion people and garlic people differently. The nicer you are to an onion person, the nicer they will be to you. If you are kind to them, they will usually respond with kindness.

You can’t deal with a garlic person in the same way. A garlic person treats people with respect if they stand up to them. They treat a person well only when they sense the person will put up with nothing less. When a garlic person encounters people who have trouble standing up for themselves, they will crush them. They show no respect for them. The harder one tries to please a garlic person, the worse the garlic person treats him.

Let’s consider a (fictional) couple, Pete and Melinda, who exemplified the concept of an onion person with a garlic person. In the beginning, she acted like he was wonderful. He said they dated for two years and rarely had an argument. All that seemed to change after the marriage.

Pete said that he never seemed to please his wife, Melinda. At first, she was simply critical of his chores around the house. She wanted the grass cut in a certain pattern and he never seemed to get it right. She said he didn’t know how to fold clothes and couldn’t clean adequately. He tried to listen to her directives and do better but never did anything quite right.

After a time, she began to complain about their house being small and his not making enough money. She compared him to other men in their circle of friends and pointed out how they provided better than he. She even called him a loser and a failure at times. Melinda was a garlic person.

Pete was in an emotional trap. He had believed himself to be inadequate long before he married Melinda, and her verbal abuse simply worsened the wound. His response to each criticism was to try harder. He was very hard on himself but did everything he could to avoid hurting Melinda. He said he came in to see me to find out what was wrong with him. Pete was clearly an onion person. He wanted me to tell him how he could improve so that she would be pleased with him.

I told him that I couldn’t do that. I told him that Melinda’s criticism was a problem within her and not the result of his inadequacy. I told him that I would help him learn to be assertive with her and that I would work with both if she wanted to accompany him to a session. Unfortunately, she refused to come in with him.

I think, with a little reflection, you will be able to identify onion and garlic people at some points in your life. Remember, as difficult as it may be, you must be assertive with a garlic person to have any hope of a better relationship.

Posted on

A Little Less Anger

by

Most of us would like to have better control of our anger. We may regret the time we overreacted to the car that pulled out in front of us, the waitress who took forever to bring our check or the critical comment from a co-worker. We sometimes wish we could have an emotional “do-over.”

Anger can harm our physical health, our relationships and our lives.

We tend to see our emotions as an unavoidable reaction to a situation. As we stew in our irritation, we review the slight in our mind. “How could they?” “They think they own the road.” “He’s just a jerk.”

Anger is a basic human biological response designed to protect us from physical danger. When faced with a potential attacker, our anger mobilizes our body to fight or run away. Our muscles tense up. Our breathing quickens. The pupils in our eyes dilate. Our heart rate speeds up. The response is very helpful if we face an actual physical attack but can be physically and psychologically harmful if experienced frequently.

In present days we rarely fact a physical attack. Our anger is usually prompted by our thoughts. We perceive the other person’s actions to be a threat to our well-being, but fully know that there is no physical danger. Their behavior may threaten our schedule, our appearance to others, our self-esteem, our business success, but rarely our lives.

Of course, sometimes anger can be healthy if it is channeled in the right direction. I’m a big believer in assertiveness. When we are assertive, we express our needs and protect our interests, but do so without the appearance of attack. We simply state our boundaries without being offensive. We defend our own rights but do so in a way that honors the other person’s rights.

Here are some steps we can take to control our anger:

  1. Don’t assume intention. Do you know that the person’s actions were intentional? Perhaps they didn’t mean to hurt you. Perhaps they reacted to a different perception of the situation. Perhaps there was a miscommunication. Check it out before you react.
  • Don’t assume you know everything about the situation. Could there be some pertinent information that you don’t know? We tend to assume that all we see is all there is. Everyone has a story, and we only see a small part of it. Check it out before you react.
  • Ask yourself if being angry will help. Will an angry response make anything better? Usually not. The situation is what it is. Your anger may not improve the situation. It may just make you stressed, raise your blood pressure, and ruin your day.
  • Can you give yourself the gift of forgiveness by letting it go? You don’t do anything for the person who hurt you when you forgive them. You give yourself the gift. When you let an offense go and forgive, you release the stress of your anger. You relax. You move on with your day or your life.

Of course, we are all a work in progress. We will overreact at times. But sometimes when we try, we can control our emotions and better our lives. Each success means a little less stress and one more good day.

Posted on

A Search for Constancy

by

As I write this, I’m gazing out at the Western North Carolina mountains. It’s early morning, and the sun is just coming up. I love looking out over the mountains. It never gets old.

So, I wondered why looking at the mountains is so satisfying. They don’t really do anything. They just sit there. They’re pretty much the same as they were yesterday, and the day before. In fact, I don’t remember ever seeing them move.

Perhaps, that’s it. I appreciate the mountains because they are always the same. They are constant. They are consistent.

In a world where everything changes, it’s nice to notice the constant. Most aspects of life are in constant flux. Our circumstances, our moods and even our bodies are always changing. So much is temporary.

And, so many things are unpredictable and uncertain. We don’t know what the next moment will bring. When we’re honest with ourselves, we all know that we control very little in our lives.

So, the mountains provide a sense of constancy. They were here long before I was born, and they will be here long after I’m gone. They feel predictable. They seem steady.

But, even the mountains will change. Mountains do change, albeit very slowly. They should outlast me, but they too will be gone someday.

I guess that’s why I really like verse 6 of Psalm 23. “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” More constant than the mountains, more predictable than the sunrise, our Father is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

He constantly provides goodness and mercy. I know that I need that today, and I’m sure I’ll need it tomorrow.

And he follows me. The thought of the Creator of the Universe following little ole me is a bit strange at first. We tend to think of God being stationary, sitting on a throne, waiting for us to come to him. But, that isn’t the message of the Bible. The whole Bible describes a God who follows, pursues, and reaches out to mankind. I love Francis Thompson’s description of God as “the Hound of Heaven.” A God who relentlessly pursues a relationship with his children.

Finally, David reminds us of the constancy of our final home. We will “dwell in the house of the Lord…” Now, wait for it. Listen for it… “forever.” Now, that’s much more reassuring than gazing at mountains.

Posted on

The Better Angels of Our Nature

We must learn to listen to each other with respect and civility.

by

“We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”  Abraham Lincolnkindness

 

These words were spoken by Lincoln in his first Inaugural Address on March 4th, 1861. In just over one month, the Civil War would begin. The country would be torn apart. Four years of intense combat would follow, with 620,000 to 750,000 people being killed. Neighbors would fight neighbors, brothers would kill brothers, Americans would destroy other Americans.

Though it would take years, America did reunite and heal from the Civil War. Our common goals and purposes became more important than our differences. Divisive labels lost their meaning. Our forefather’s wonderful experiment of Democracy thrived once again.

While the most dramatic, the Civil War wasn’t the only time our country and our people have been divided. We have had other times of separation, times when the distinctions between “us” and “them” seemed clear. We have had other times when our goals, our cultures and our purposes were at odds.

I believe we are in such a time now. The divide between Republican and Democrat, liberal and conservative, right wing and left wing has consistently widened. It seems to me that we’ve lost our ability to disagree with civility and remain neighbors and friends after the discussion. Like many, I have felt a deep concern about where we are heading.

Recently, however, I have been reading “The Soul of America” by Jon Meacham and feeling more hopeful because of it. In this book, released May, 2018, Meacham provides a historical perspective for our current social climate. He points out that we have seen many times of strife, but that each was followed by healing and even strengthening of our country. He notes that our Democratic form of government serves to facilitate such healing. I really appreciate his hopeful perspective.

On the first day of his presidency, Lincoln appealed, “We must not be enemies.”  But, it’s up to us. We have to begin by listening to each other with respect and calm. We must remember that our differences are far outweighed by our similarities. We have to look for common ground. Those on the “other side” are, after all, our neighbors. In this time, we can work together for the common good, but to do so, we must depend on “the better angels of our nature.

Posted on

One Key to Happiness

An attitude of gratitude can do wonders for your mood.

by

Once more, scientific research has confirmed something that our parents and grandparents gratitudealready knew; that counting our blessings will make us happier. In fact, practicing this one habit seems to improve our sense of emotional wellbeing more than any other behavior.

 

In the mid-1990’s, a branch of psychology began to emerge, called “Positive Psychology”. Rather than focusing on emotional illness or difficulties, this group turned their research toward increasing understanding of the factors that made some people exceptionally positive or mentally healthy.

 

We’ve all known some individuals who seem to handle life’s difficulties with exceptional grace, and just appear more happy, joyful or satisfied. They clearly experience their share of life’s up’s and down’s, but do so with more peace and hope than most. The researchers in Positive Psychology studied such individuals to identify those traits, attitudes or habits they shared that allowed them to do this.

 

First, let’s look at the factors that did not predict happiness. The researchers found that material wealth or standard of living had very little to do with happiness. While the United States has the highest financial standard of living, research indicates that we are clearly not the happiest people. Many people who have much less than us report that they are much happier.

 

The research also found that negative life events did not necessarily lower a person’s level of happiness on a long-term basis. Of course, one’s happiness does go down immediately after experiencing a negative life event, but the research found that the person’s level of happiness usually returns to their pre-event level within two years. This was even true when the negative event was extreme, such as spinal cord injury resulting in permanent paralysis. Interestingly, the same was true for positive life events. Immediately after the event, the person’s level of happiness did go up, but usually returned to their pre-event level within about two years.

 

The studies did find, however, that exceptionally positive people all share characteristic; an attitude of gratitude. They report that exceptionally positive people pay more attention to the blessings in their lives. Most of them consciously and deliberately cultivate this feeling of thanksgiving in each day. They report that, with practice, the attitude becomes more natural and automatic.

 

We can all learn to be more grateful. Make the decision to cultivate an attitude of gratitude starting today. Count your blessings. Write them down. Before your feet hit the floor each morning, make yourself think of five things you have to be thankful for. Thank those you love. Thank them for the things they do for you, but more, thank them for loving you and sharing your life. Look for opportunities to be thankful today. You just might find yourself feeling happier!

Posted on

I’ll Be Home for Christmas

Unrealistic expectations of holiday gatherings can deepen self-esteem wounds.

by

One of my favorite Christmas cards was given to me by a client. On the front of the card, there is a photo of a beautiful snow-covered farm scene. The farm house is beautifully decorated for Christmas. The caption at the top says, “I’ll be home for Christmas.” When you open the card, the words read, “And in therapy for the next year.”

 

The card is funny, but expresses an unfortunate truth. I talk to so many people who grew up in dysfunctional families. They recall a parent’s substance abuse, an abandoning or critical parent, or constant drama and infighting through childhood. Like all children, they carried this overriding hope that the parents would change and they would at last feel the love they had longed for. Like all children, those family experiences created self-esteem wounds, where they believed that they were at fault. They mistakenly believed that they were defective, unlovable or inadequate.

 

Many of those children carry this hope of family change into adulthood. As adults, they still long for that negative, critical parent to finally be proud of them. They hope to see expressions of love, or attention from that distant or abandoning parent. Their hope is fueled by the mistaken belief that their worth is measured by the parent’s behaviors toward them. They believe that loving or accepting behaviors from the parent will mean that the defective child has finally grown into a competent and lovable adult.

 

Now, here’s where the Christmas card comes in. These people carry the hope that this time or this visit, things will be different. They hope that this Christmas, they will see the change. They may not be conscious of this hope. They may consciously realize that the negative parent won’t change until they decide to change. But, subconsciously they carry hope.

 

The person who returns home for a visit, carrying this unrealistic hope, is primed for disappointment. When the family member once again behaves critically, is rejecting, or gets drunk, that hope is shattered. The result can be anger, depression, or a deepening of an old self-esteem wound.

 

Of course, the truth is that the parent’s critical or rejecting behaviors reflect a problem with the parent, not an inadequacy in the child. And, the parent won’t change until he or she realizes the problem and has a desire to change.

 

The holidays can be a very special time of year. Enjoy the good parts. Establish your own traditions, but remember that people basically act like themselves. Try to be realistic about your expectations when you make that Christmas visit. It might save you some of the cost of therapy.

 

Posted on

The Responsibility of Being an American

by

Abraham_LincolnI like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives.  I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.  ~Abraham Lincoln

Each person plays many roles. We have many aspects to our identity; parent, spouse, child, family member, friend, co-worker, and more. Today, we celebrate one additional part of our identity; that of being an American.

Today, July 4th, we recognize and celebrate our nation and our independence. In doing so, we remind ourselves of this part of our identity. We enjoy the gift of being a part of this great nation. This is part of who we are.

Regardless of our political disagreements and despite our current difficulties, it is still a great nation. We are free to express those disagreements. We are free to choose our path and work to follow it. This is part of who we are.

You don’t have to travel to many other countries to realize how much we take for granted each day. We have so much. We often have too much. Having been so blessed, we have a responsibility to seek ways to give to others. This is part of who we are.

We have the opportunity to grow as individuals, and in doing so, follow any path we choose. As my father used to say, “You can do anything you want to do, if you set your mind to it.” As a young boy, I’d roll my eyes and dismiss the statement, but it must have sunk in, because I came to believe it. Fortunately, in this country we call home, it is true. This is part of who we are.

Enjoy celebrating our country this July 4th, and then every other day, live up to the inheritance. As Lincoln said, live so that your place will be proud of you.

Posted on

Self-Esteem Versus Self-Compassion

Developing self-compassion can help anyone deal with self-esteem wounds.

by

For years now, I have been working on helping people identify and correct negative self-beliefs that were formed byself-esteem harsh criticism, rejection or abuse. I knew that these beliefs triggered negative thinking, depression, anxiety, damaged relationships and sometimes even suicide. I referred to these negative self-beliefs as self-esteem wounds. I said that my work focused on the self-esteem, but I never liked the term.

The term self-esteem is very overused, and has several negative connotations. Some earlier self-esteem programs focused on positive affirmations, such as “I’m very smart” “I can do anything I want” or “I’m a great athlete.” Several self-esteem programs were introduced into the schools in the 80’s and 90’s, but were later found to be fairly ineffective. Some went so far as to say that you shouldn’t point out a student’s mistakes, as that might hurt their self-esteem. Some programs were said to even foster narcissistic tendencies. The negative side of self-esteem work was epitomized by Saturday Night Live’s character, Stuart Smiley, who stared into a mirror, while reciting, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

Many self-esteem programs seemed to foster feelings of superiority, or seeing oneself as above average. The reality is that everyone cannot be above average. Except, of course, in Garrison Keillor’s imaginary town of Lake Wobegon, where “all the children are above average.”

My work focused on helping those who saw themselves as inferior to everyone else. I wanted to help them recognize that they were human, with positive and negative traits, successes and failures like everyone else. I tried to help people see themselves as equal with others. I’ve tried to help them have compassion for themselves, while taking full responsibility for their behaviors.

Then I discovered the term self-compassion. Self-compassion can be defined as extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure or general suffering. In other words, you recognize your difficulty, but show kindness to yourself, as you deal with that difficulty. Kristin Neff, Ph.D. has led the study of this concept. Research has shown that self-compassion helps us deal with the inevitable difficulties and failures of life. We bounce back more quickly, remain stronger under adversity, and show more compassion toward others, when we practice self-compassion. We see ourselves, and treat ourselves as being equal to other human beings. And after all, aren’t we?

Posted on

On Being Judgmental

Judging others can make us feel superior, but we need to wait until we're ready.

by

I’m looking forward to it. I can’t wait. I imagine that it will be so satisfying. I’ve been trying to be patient, but it is difficult. I’ve seen others do it, and they certainly seem to enjoy it.judging

So, what am I talking about? I’m looking forward to being judgmental. I’m looking forward to judging everyone around me. First, I’ll turn up my nose to those who have messed up. Then, with my head pointed upward, I’ll be able to look down on those who have faltered. Finally, I’ll sneer at those who have stumbled.

The self-satisfaction will be sweet. The arrogance will be awesome. Like the kid, who is assigned the job of taking names while the teacher is out of the room, I will be sitting tall. My head will be scanning the crowd, searching for any infraction. My pencil and paper will be ready.

The advantages of being judgmental will be abundant. I will be able to feel superior. Looking down on someone will remind me that I am above them. I won’t have to examine myself, of course. I will be much too busy for that.

Unfortunately, for now, I’ll have to wait. I’m not quite qualified to be the name-taker. I fall short of the requirements to be judgmental.  But when I become perfect, I will jump at the job. That’s right, when I become perfect, I plan to become judgmental, and I can’t wait.

Hmmm, I guess I really can’t wait. You see, if I’m totally honest, I must admit that I’ve tried it out a few times. I’ve sampled that feeling of superiority that comes from judging others. I tried to resist, but the temptation was just too strong.

The bad thing is that practicing judgment prematurely isn’t completely satisfying unless I pretend. To make it work, I have to pretend that I’m already perfect. Acknowledging my own faults ruins the taste. Like the green apple, judging another before I reach perfection can be a bitter fruit.

So, I guess I need to wait to be judgmental. Until I reach perfection, I’ll have to remember that I’m in the same boat as everyone else.

Posted on

No Man is an Island

We owe a debt to so many. Consider the many ways you have benefited from others.

by

No man is an island,

Entire of itself,

Every man is a piece of the continent, 

A part of the main.    John Donne

 

When we think of gratitude, we consider the many ways we have been blessed by God, and this is appropriate and good. But we also have reasons to be grateful to other people. Several years ago, I attended a workshop on Positive Psychology, which is the study of factors that make some people exceptionally positive. The workshop leader has us do a little exercise and I want to share it.

Sit down with a piece of paper and pen or pencil. You can try to do it in your head, but it won’t be as effective. Take the time to put thought into your response to each question. Try to stretch your brain a bit.

First, write down the names of people who have helped or added to your life in some way. You don’t need to write their full name, just what you would call them. This could include your parents, grandparents or other relatives, your friends or teachers. Try to include everyone you can think of who has helped you or benefited you, big or small. This list will be fairly long. Consider that you would not be who you are or where you are if these people had not been in your life.

When you’ve exhausted this list, write a list of people you’ve never met who have added to the quality of your life. This list could include inventors of things you use every day, like electric lights, cars, heating and cooling systems, television and radio, etc. It could also include the founders of our country and our democratic system of government, as well as the soldiers who have defended it. This list could go on forever, so just include the people or categories of people that come to mind in a few minutes.

Finally, make a list of those people who may have hurt you, but who did also contribute to your life in some positive way. This might include that abandoning parent, who did at least give you life. Or it could include an unkind teacher, who did teach you something of value. This may be the most difficult list, but it is important. Like it or not, we sometimes owe a debt of gratitude to even those we don’t like.

When I finished this exercise, I felt a renewed sense of connection to mankind. I am who I am because of so many. I owe so many a debt of gratitude. I think you will as well. You may relate to the words of Walt Whitman, who said, “I am large – I contain multitudes.”