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The Hidden Nature of Self-Esteem Wounds

Your Assumptions About Other's Self-Esteem May Be Wrong.

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There are several common stereotypes regarding self-esteem issues. Our misperceptions can hamper our ability tohappy_people effectively address such issues in ourselves or in those we love. Let’s examine some common self-esteem stereotypes.

 

Some imagine an individual with low self-esteem frequently verbalizing self-critical, or self-derogatory statements, while avoiding eye contact, and sitting in a corner.  We also tend to imagine a certain physical appearance. We might picture an unattractive person in plain attire, slumping and walking with a shuffle.

 

We often assume that we would be able to recognize a low self-esteem from external appearances. We assume that very attractive people automatically have a good self-esteem. We assume that success, high paying jobs, or high status positions reflect confidence and feelings of self-worth. We assume that outgoing, talkative people are socially comfortable and that they have a good self-esteem. These assumptions are often wrong.

 

In fact, you would be quite surprised if you knew the self-esteem wounds carried by some of the people around you. There are probably some people you think you know well, co-workers, fellow students, even people you admire, who suffer silently from self-esteem wounds. Despite their admirable traits or accomplishments, their minds are filled with self-criticism or self-doubt. Some may have even experienced early life trauma or abuse beyond your imagination.

 

Of course, many people have a fairly healthy self-esteem. They see themselves as equal to other human beings. They recognize that they have strengths and weaknesses, but accept themselves. They are able to maintain a good balance between striving for improvement and being comfortable with who they are now.

 

So, how do you tell the difference? How can you tell whether a person has a good or poor self-esteem? That’s the point. You can’t. Don’t assume. The only correct answer is that you don’t know.

 

When you recognize the fact that you can’t know another’s experience, struggle or heart, you are slower to judge. You may find it easier to be kind. You will be less likely to compare yourself to them. When you recognize that others, like you, are fellow travelers on this life journey, you may feel more connected, more comfortable in your own skin.

Comments: What are some other ways that we tend to misjudge other’s self-esteem?

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When a Loved One Hurts Us

We often respond to hurt with anger or withdrawal, but there is a better way.

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It happens to everyone. We all get hurt by those we love. Hopefully, it doesn’t happen too often, but it does happen. couple_not_talkingOf course, we also hurt those we love, but we’ll save that for another article.

When we get hurt, we respond. We can’t help it. But, the nature of our response can make all the difference. Our response can influence the future course of the relationship, and our sense of well-being.

Our natural tendency is to become defensive or self-protective when we get hurt. We try to protect ourselves to avoid further pain. It makes sense. Unfortunately, a defensive response often worsens the situation.

We can divide our defensive responses into two categories; anger and withdrawal. For some, hurt is quickly, and subconsciously, turned into anger. They voice their complaint to the one who hurt them. Their words, tone of voice, facial expression, and posture convey that anger. They may even use the word “hurt” to express their feelings, but the non-verbal message is clear, “I’m angry.” The anger is often the only emotion the offending party hears.

Other people tend to respond to hurt with withdrawal. These people distance themselves. They may stop talking or physically leave. They distance themselves emotionally. They may avoid eye contact, busy themselves with some activity or focus their attention on others. They may harbor resentment for the hurt, but they don’t discuss it. With enough hurts, they may leave the relationship altogether.

So, what is a more effective response to hurt from a loved one? How can we respond to hurt in a manner that promotes healing and avoids further damage to the relationship? The answer is to simply and honestly, express the hurt. For this to be effective, our tone of voice, facial expression and body language must convey hurt, not anger. This is difficult, and we have to be conscious and deliberate about it. It is difficult because it makes us feel vulnerable. It takes a lot of courage to make yourself vulnerable to the person who has just hurt you.

Expressing hurt in a vulnerable manner can promote a more productive conversation, deeper understanding, and eventually, an improved relationship. Expressing hurt as anger or withdrawal usually creates conflict, distance, and a wounded relationship. There are exceptions, but this is usually true.

Now, please remember that we are talking about hurt from a loved one. We’re assuming that the other person is not emotionally dangerous and unstable, and is not intentionally trying to hurt you because they enjoy doing so. We can usually tell the difference.

So, next time you are hurt by a loved one, try to express that hurt only as hurt. Let them know that their words or behaviors hurt you, and do so without anger. Make yourself express the hurt, rather than withdrawal, detachment and silence. Try to express your feelings in a more vulnerable way. Chances are, you’ll begin a healthier conversation, and eventually, an improved relationship.

 

Comments: What do you think? Have you seen the benefits of expressing hurt rather than anger or withdrawal?

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Self-Esteem Wounds From A Distant Parent

This "Fresh Prince" scene illustrates the pain of an unavailable father.

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Many children experience the pain of an unavailable parent. The child mistakenly believes that he or she is the blame. The question, “Why can’t he love me?” is all too common. Of course the problem actually rests with the parent, not the child, but the child doesn’t know this. The self-esteem is wounded, as the child feels unlovable. That feeling of being unimportant or unlovable follows the child into adulthood, maintaining the self-esteem wound.

This scene from “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” provides an excellent example of a rejecting parent and a hurting son. We need to recognize that the problem lies with the parent, not with the child. Will Smith does a beautiful job of depicting the reaction of the rejected child. First, he acts cool, as if there is no problem and it doesn’t bother him. Then he expresses anger at the parent for not being there for him. Finally, he becomes more vulnerable to asks the ultimate self-esteem wound question, “Why doesn’t he want me?” He shows the very strong tendency the child has to blame himself.

Unfortunately, far too many children and teenagers have to deal with a distant or absent parent. Of course, adults know that the problem lies with the parent, not with the child. The child blames himself.

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Letting Go Of Other’s Opinions

Worrying about other's opinions can limit your life.

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“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

                                                                                                  Lao Tzu

 

It can control, stifle, limit, or even destroy us. It can lower self-esteem and create anxiety or depression. It’s the angry_old_womanalmost universal human tendency to worry about other people’s opinions.

 

We watch the expressions on other’s faces. We try to analyze what they meant by certain statements. We imagine what they might be saying behind our backs.

 

We do some things because others will think less of us if we don’t. We avoid other things because they may disapprove if they find out. We make our choices based on our predictions of their judgment.

 

Some people live their entire lives under the shadow of other’s opinions, totally sacrificing their own dreams and goals. The opinions of others blare loudly in their minds, drowning out their own thoughts, values and dreams.

 

Here are several truths that can help us lesson our concerns with other’s opinions.

 

  1. No one knows as much about your situation, and the factors leading to your choices as you do. Unfortunately, people make judgments without knowing all the facts. Since their opinions are based on ignorance, they shouldn’t count.
  2. Most of the time, people are thinking about you less than you imagine. They probably have no opinion about you one way or the other.
  3. It is true that there are some people who tend to be very disapproving and judgmental. They are going to find something wrong no matter what you do. It seems to me that they are actually the ones who have the greatest problems.
  4. Others are simply human just like you. Why would you consider their opinion to be superior to your own? They are just as likely to be wrong as you are. Actually, more so since we are talking about your life choices, not theirs.

 

Try to do the right thing. Try to be kind and loving toward others, when you can. Try to live your life consistent with your true values. Learn to live your life deliberately. Then try to let go of your worries of other’s opinions. You won’t be able to do it immediately. You will have to practice it daily. Hard work, but worth it!

 

 

Comments: Please share your thought about our tendencies to worry about the opinions of others.

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The Power of Persistence in Forming New Habits

Persistent practice is the best way to form and maintain new habits.

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January first is known as a time of new beginnings. A common topic is one’s new year’s resolutions. Unfortunately, choicesmost new year’s resolutions drop by the wayside before February begins.

Why is it so hard for us to break bad habits or form new habits? Why are we so prone to gravitate back to the old and familiar? What can we do to increase the likelihood of creating a new, better, or healthier habit?

One NASA experiment provides some insight. In the early days of NASA, researchers wanted to see how astronauts would respond to the disorienting conditions of space. They created sets of convex goggles, which flipped everything in their field of vision 180 degrees. In other words, their seemed to be turned upside down. They made the astronauts wear these goggles 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, even when they slept.

As expected, the astronauts did become disoriented at first and displayed symptoms of stress, such as elevated blood pressure, respiration and other vital signs. Gradually, however, they began to adapt to their altered vision and were able to negotiate most tasks fairly well.

Then something amazing happened. Somewhere between day 26 and day 30, the astronaut’s brain flipped the image back right-side-up. Even though they were still wearing the goggles, and the image hitting their eyes was still flipped, they began to see the world the right way.

The researchers discovered that after 26 to 30 days of continuous input, the astronaut’s brains formed new neural pathways, causing them to see their worlds normally again.

NASA then did a second study. They had half the astronauts wear the “flipped” goggles for 30 days, as before, and as before, their brains corrected the image after 26 to 30 days. NASA had a second group wear the goggles, but after 15 days, they told them to take them off for 24 hours. This group’s brains didn’t correct the image for an additional 26 to 30 days. Taking the goggles off for 24 hours reset the brain back to day one.

The researchers discovered that it takes the brain requires approximately 30 days to form new neural pathways – for new habits to form. So, to form new habits, we need to consciously and deliberately maintain the new behavior for at least thirty days. If we do a new behavior, and then revert back to our old behavior periodically, we start the clock all over again. The new, desired behavior never becomes engrained, new neural connections are never made, and we break all those resolutions.

Make a commitment to alter your behavior for at least 30 days. Try to avoid any “days off” and see what happens.

 

Comment: Please share your experiences in trying to form new habits. What worked for you?

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Grieving Loss or Celebrating Life

There are several factors that can impact the experience of grief.

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As a psychologist, I have had many occasions to help people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, and of casketcourse like everyone else, I have had to deal with my own grief at times. I have learned a few “truths” about grief that I may be helpful.

First, I never try to help someone stop grieving. Grief is a healthy response to the experience of loss. In fact, grief is essential when dealing with the major losses of life. I tell people that trying to avoid, block or stuff grief is unhealthy. I warn them that the feelings will just come out later, in a less healthy form, like depression, anxiety or anger. I use the analogy that grief is a bit like plumbing. It works best if it’s not stopped up.

Second, there are two types of grief, simple and complicated. In simple grief, the person experiences a loss and grieves. The grief is normal and healthy, as noted above. In complicated grief, the loss is complicated in some way. It may be that the person had a negative or love-hate relationship with the deceased person. Feelings of loss accompanied by anger toward the deceased can definitely complicate the grief process. It may be that the grieving person feels there was some unfinished business that now can never be resolved. It can also be that the survivor somehow blames himself for the death of the loved one. In any case, these complicated feelings can complicate the grief process.

Simple grief gradually gets better over time, but the amount of time varies tremendously from person to person, with no proper time period. In simple grief, there are up-and-down days, but there is a gradual improvement. Complicated grief doesn’t improve over time, and sometimes even gets worse. Complicated grief has a greater tendency to lead to depression or anxiety symptoms. If your grief doesn’t seem to be improving, or seems to be getting worse, you may want to talk to a professional about it.

Finally, one’s reaction to grief is sometimes impacted by where the person focuses attention. Many times, we tend to focus our attention on the death or the experience of watching the illness progress to the point of death. We visualize the hospital scene or the dying moment. It is possible to think so much about the death, that we don’t think about the life. The visual images of our loved one in the hospital or dying can fill our minds. We can repeatedly experience those moments. In doing so, we can lose touch with the precious moments of the person’s life. We may have lived with the person for thirty years, and experienced their dying for three months, but tend to think about the three months to the exclusion of the thirty years.

So, it is healthy to let yourself grieve. If your grief is complicated by other factors, talk with someone to work that out. And finally, deliberately focus your memories on the life rather than the death. Be deliberate and persistent in the effort.

COMMENT: Please share your insights regarding healthy vs. unhealthy grief reactions.

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Remembering Veterans At Christmas

Hope you enjoy this touching video, and remember to thank a veteran this Christmas.

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This you tube video has been around for a while, but the message is meaningful. I hope you enjoy it and remember to say a prayer for those who are in harms way, so we can celebrate a peaceful Christmas.Soldiers_Silent_Night

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You’ll Get Used To It

We need to be aware of the negative impact of desensitization.

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In psychology, desensitization is defined as decreased emotional responsiveness to a negative or aversive stimulusviolence after repeated exposure to it. In other words, we become less sensitive to anything that we experience a lot. You can get used to just about anything.

Sometimes this is a good thing. The emergency room nurse becomes less sensitive to the gore of wound care so that she can do her job. The diabetic gets used to the daily insulin injections and states that they don’t hurt as much anymore.

Desensitization is a commonly used technique in psychology. When a patient comes in with a debilitating fear of something (a phobia), we use desensitization to help them get over it. We get them to expose themselves to small doses of the thing, while helping them relax. We gradually increase the intensity of the exposure. The more they are exposed, the less anxiety they experience. After a while, they lose the fear.

The technique works quite well. I’ve used it many times to help people deal with fears of spiders, snakes, flying, crowds, heights, etc. Of course, most folks don’t sign-up for such treatment unless the fear is impairing their lives. Examples would include the individual, with a fear of flying, but a business that requires such travel, or the person who develops a fear of driving after an auto accident.

Sometimes, however, desensitization is a bad thing. Sometimes, we get used to things we should not get used to. We see so much more violence in movies and television than we did in earlier years. For those who are a little older, think about the difference between the violent scenes on Gunsmoke versus those of CSI. We pay money to see graphic violence that would have turned our stomachs in past years. In fact, our desensitization actually forces Hollywood to increase the graphic violence to get our attention.

The same principle holds true for sexual content. We get accustomed to seeing things on TV that we would have never imagined a few years ago. You might remember that Lucy and Ricky had to sleep on twin beds, even though they were married in real life and on the “I Love Lucy” show, because sleeping in the same bed was deemed “too suggestive.”

My biggest concern, however, is what we see in real life. Are we becoming desensitized to the violence in our world? Do we already pay less attention when we hear about a murder or an abused child? Do such stories hurt us less? Do we just feel relief that it didn’t happen to our family or in our neighborhood?

And, how many terrorist acts will it take before we begin to see them as commonplace, as well? Will we get to the point where a bombing or a mass shooting barely warrants a dinner discussion? It has happened before in other places. There are just some things that we should never get used to.

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Motivation by the Carrot or the Stick

Does reward or punishment work better as a self-motivation?

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Do you tend to use a carrot or a stick on yourself? This idiom refers to the idea that a cart driver can use a carrot or amotivation by reward or punishment stick to motivate a horse to move forward, thus pulling the cart. The horse will either move forward by the enticement of the carrot, or by the avoidance of punishment via the stick.

Research suggests that some people are more responsive to reward and others more responsive to punishment. Interestingly, it seems that genetics may determine which works better for you. Some people are genetically more responsive to dopamine, while others are more responsive to serotine, and this seems to make the difference.

Research also suggests, however, that punishment can create unexpected and unwanted outcomes. Sometimes punishment can backfire by actually increasing the undesired behavior, creating negative emotions or increasing aggression.

The impact of the carrot or stick choice can really be seen when we are trying to motivate ourselves. We can motivate ourselves by setting up rewards for getting tasks done. For example, we might give ourselves a night out as a reward for cleaning out a closet.

We can also reward ourselves by imagining or visualizing the natural positive consequences of working hard and completing a task. I did this during graduate school, as I imagined myself enjoying working in my private practice, as a motivation to work hard on my doctoral studies. It really did work to keep me going during the hard times.

People use punishment on themselves when they put themselves down or criticize themselves for poor performance. They beat themselves up, and claim this is necessary to make them try harder. It almost never works, and reminds me of the old poster saying, “The beatings in this company will continue until morale improves.”

So today, watch your thinking to see whether you use a carrot or stick on yourself. Consider the possibility that your self-punishment is actually hurting your performance. Try visualizing the positive results when you accomplish a task, or promising yourself a pleasurable activity for task success. I think you’ll find that it works better as a motivation, and doesn’t damage your self-esteem.

 

Comments: Please share some of your experiences with the motivators of reward and punishment.

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The Power of an Attitude of Gratitude

A thankful heart gives us hope, connection and resilience. It's good for the soul!

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Happy Thanksgiving! This day, we remember our many blessings. My hope is that you will live in an attitude of gratitude is good for mental health and self-esteemgratitude every day of the year. Even in our difficult days, we have much to be thankful for. Today, I have posted a previous article about the power of an attitude of gratitude. Hope you enjoy it.

Once more, scientific research has confirmed something that our parents and grandparents already knew; that counting our blessings, or an attitude of gratitude, will make us happier. In fact, practicing this one habit seems to improve our sense of emotional wellbeing more than any other behavior.

In the mid-1990’s, a branch of psychology began to emerge, called “Positive Psychology”. Rather than focusing on emotional illness or difficulties, this group turned their research toward increasing understanding of the factors that made some people exceptionally positive or mentally healthy.

We’ve all known some individuals who seem to handle life’s difficulties with exceptional grace, and just appear more happy, joyful or satisfied. They clearly experience their share of life’s up’s and down’s, but do with more peace and hope than most. The researchers in Positive Psychology studied such individuals to identify those traits, attitudes or habits they shared that allowed them to do this.

First, let’s look at the factors that did not predict happiness. The researchers found that material wealth or standard of living had very little to do with happiness. While the United States has the highest financial standard of living, we are clearly not the happiest people. Many people who have much less than us report that they are much happier.

The research also found that negative life events did not necessarily lower a person’s level of happiness on a long-term basis. Of course, one’s happiness does go down immediately after experiencing a negative life event, but the research found that the person’s level of happiness usually returns to their pre-event level within two years. This was even true when the negative event was extreme, such as spinal cord injury resulting in permanent paralysis. Interestingly, the same was true for positive life events. Immediately after the event, the person’s level of happiness did go up, but usually returned to their pre-event level within about two years.

The studies did find, however, that exceptionally positive people all share an attitude of gratitude. They report that they pay attention to the blessings in their lives. Most of them consciously and deliberately cultivate this feeling of thanksgiving in each day. Most report that, with practice, the attitude becomes more natural and automatic.

We can all learn to be more grateful. Make the decision to cultivate an attitude of gratitude starting today. Count your blessings. Write them down. Before your feet hit the floor each morning, make yourself think of five things you have to be thankful for. Thank those you love. Thank them for the things they do for you, but more, thank them for loving you and sharing your life. Look for opportunities to be thankful today. You just might find yourself feeling happier!