Category Archives: Uncategorized

Posted on

Your Self-Esteem Wound as a Computer Virus

Recognizing the Virus of the Mind and Getting Rid of It

by

computer_virusThink of your mind as a computer. When you were born, you came with the software necessary to live and grow. Unfortunately, you were also born with a vulnerability to misinformation and viruses.

The Impact of Misinformation:

As you grew, you were exposed to misinformation. This information was usually entered into your system by people who were given the same misinformation earlier in their lives. They didn’t realize the information was false, so they passed it along to you. You had no way of knowing that the information was false, so you recorded it into your hard drive and it became a part of your operating system.

A Virus of the Mind:

Sometimes the false information only did minor damage, but sometimes it contained a virus. A computer virus is much more harmful than simple misinformation. A virus gets into the core of the computer. It often damages the operating system. The computer can’t function normally. Simple tasks become very difficult. The virus sometimes shuts the computer down completely.

The Damage of the Virus:

The virus then gets into various programs and alters their function and performance. Because of the virus, the computer will often relay inaccurate information. The virus can impact everything. The virus is destructive, sometimes devastating.

Getting rid of a computer virus isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work. Sometimes it requires help from a professional. But the work is worth it.

The Computer is Innocent:

Finally, you wouldn’t blame your computer if it acquired a virus. The virus and the person who sent it would be at fault, not your computer. The computer couldn’t help it. It simply processed the information it was given. So did you.

Dealing With Your Virus:

Your virus may have been the message that you were unimportant or unlovable. It could have caused by harsh criticism or judgment, making you believe that you were inadequate or incompetent. It could have been the virus of abuse. This is often the most devastating virus of all. It creates shame, and makes the victim feel deeply defective.

The first step in ridding your computer of a virus is recognizing that it has that virus. You then have to take deliberate, purposeful steps to get rid of it. You have to recognize that the computer wasn’t at fault. The virus and the sender were at fault.

Try to remember that your negative self-esteem wounds were not present at birth. They were implanted during child and later. They don’t belong there. Begin the work of ridding yourself of those wounds. You’ll be glad you did.

 

Comments: Can you share any other metaphors of negative self-beliefs, or ways to rid one’s self of them?

Posted on

Consider the Source of Your Self-Esteem Wounds

Recognizing the True Nature of Those Who Hurt You

by

Most people with self-esteem difficulties can trace their wounds back to a family member or caretaker who was yelling_parentharshly critical, rejecting, abandoning or abusive. Those people’s behaviors toward the child conveyed messages that he or she was defective, bad or not good enough.  Later, those self-esteem wounds were deepened by a few relationships where the individual received similar negative treatment.

Often, the individual can identify others in their lives who treated them with love and respect, but the negative messages seems to dominate. I’m not sure why this occurs, but the child’s self-esteem seems to be impacted more by the negative caretakers than by the positive ones. Oh, they love the positive people and enjoy spending time with them, but their self-beliefs tend to be molded by the negative people.

A few years ago, I created an exercise where I ask clients to compose a list of people who have conveyed positive messages about them, and a list of people who have been negative about them. The lists can include people from their past and present. They can also include family members, friends, co-workers and teachers. When finished, they have two lists of names; those who made them feel valuable and competent and those who made them feel inadequate or unimportant.

Try doing this now. Write down (or at least mentally identify) your personal list of positive and negative people. You may have some people who could fit on both lists, but try to put most on one side or the other. Now consider the following questions.

  1. Which group would you say that you like the most, the positive or the negative? You may love people on both lists, but which do you like most?

Almost everyone says that they like the positive people most. The choice isn’t difficult.

  1. Which group would you say that you trust the most, positive or negative?

For example, if you needed an opinion about someone you had never met, which group’s opinions about the person would you trust most? Most choose the positive group.

  1. Which of the two groups are the most mentally healthy or stable?

In your estimation, which group demonstrates characteristics of mentally healthy people? Most say the positive.

  1. Do people in the negative group treat others negatively as well, or are they just negative toward you?

Have you seen them treat others as they treated you? Do you recall thinking that their treatment of someone wasn’t fair or warranted? Most say the negative people treated others negatively as well.

  1. Which group’s opinions of you do you seem to think about the most?

Which group has had a more powerful impact on your perceptions of yourself? Which group most deeply influenced the way you defined yourself? Unfortunately, most people say the negative group. The wounds of the negative group seem to dominate.

 

So, the end conclusion is that most people allow their self-esteem to be defined by people they don’t like, don’t trust, consider to be mentally ill and who treat others badly as well. Read that sentence again. Does it surprise you?

This exercise is designed to help people “consider the source” of their negative self-esteem beliefs. Hopefully, it will help you put the negative messages they conveyed in a more proper perspective.

 

Comments: How did this exercise impact your perspective on the negative people in your life?

Posted on

Helping Yourself by Helping Others

The Benefits of Serving Others

by

 

I have said many times that the best therapy I could ever get is to provide therapy for others. My occasional feelingshelping_hands of discouragement or self-pity soon disappear when I turn my focus toward helping someone else.  My personal concerns fade into the background as I work to serve them.

This, of course, isn’t a new idea. We’ve long known that serving others is good medicine. We feel better when we put someone else above ourselves. We are created for community, and personally benefit from acts to take care of those around us.

We know this truth, but often forget it when we most need it. When we’re down, we become focused on ourselves. We dwell on our difficulties. We review our mistakes or failures, and anticipate future catastrophes.

Because of this internal focus, we imagine that other people are free of such problems. We assume that others are happier and more satisfied. We believe them to be more self-confident and comfortable with themselves. On some level, we know better. We just forget.

I even apply this principle of “serving others” when doing public speaking. Since publishing the “Parables” book, I have done a lot of speaking engagements. I truly enjoy doing workshops or presentations, but I do have a secret.

Before I begin speaking, I deliberately shift my focus to the audience. I ask myself why they are there. What are they looking for in this workshop? What might be going on in their lives? How can my material serve them? How can I help them? By focusing on them, I lose myself. I become more comfortable. This principle holds true when speaking to a group or to one person.

It is impossible to be self-conscious and other-conscious at the same time. When you are fully conscious of another person, you lose consciousness of yourself. When you are truly thinking about them, you stop worrying about what they are thinking about you.

Research shows that volunteering improves the health, happiness, and in some cases, the longevity of the volunteers. Studies also show that people who volunteer tend to have higher self-esteem, happiness and psychological well-being.

So give it a try. Reach out to someone. Think of someone you know who could use a visit, a phone call or a card. Identify an organization that could use your help. Call them and ask if they accept volunteers. Focus your attention on serving someone else. I’ll bet you’ll find that helping them helps you.

Posted on

Can One’s Self-Esteem Be Too Good?

Why do some people act arrogant?

by

Is it possible for a person’s self-esteem to be too good? What if a person is arrogant or conceited? What if someone arrogant_manthinks too much of themselves? I hear these questions a lot.

I don’t think it is possible for a person’s self-esteem to be too good. To understand this, we need to examine what it means to have a good self-esteem. Let’s look at the relationship of self-esteem to arrogance or conceit.

Consider the following graph:

 

Bad Self-Esteem                                       Average Self-Esteem                              Great Self-Esteem

|__________________________|__________________________|

I’m worse than others.                           I’m equal to others.                              I’m better than others.

I’m not good enough.                            I’m as good as others.                                      I’m the best.

 

If you accept this graph, it would be possible for someone to have an inflated, arrogant or conceited self-esteem. I believe this graph to be inaccurate, and would substitute the following graph.

 

 

Bad Self-Esteem                                                                                    Healthy Self-Esteem

|____________________________________________|

I’m worse than others.                                                                         I’m equal to others.

I’m not good enough.                                                                           I’m as good as others.

I’m better than others.

I’m the best.

 

According to this graph, a truly healthy self-esteem means that the person perceives herself as equal to others, not better or worse. A bad self-esteem is characterized by the attitude of inferiority or superiority.

 

So where does arrogant behavior come from? I believe it stems directly from a low self-esteem. When someone has a low self-esteem, he can react by acting inferior, or he can hide the self-esteem wounds by acting superior or arrogant.

 

His outward behaviors may appear conceited. He may even tell himself that he is superior. But his behavior and thoughts are simply efforts to deny inner self-esteem wounds. His arrogant behaviors are attempts to draw attention to himself and present a positive impression on others. He often puts others down to elevate his own position.

 

Think about it. If one truly has a healthy self-esteem, he has no need to act arrogant. He feels comfortable with himself and doesn’t need to build himself up. He doesn’t need to brag or elevate his position, because he realizes he, like all other people, has intrinsic worth. He doesn’t compare himself with others, because he knows that he, like others, has strengths and weaknesses, that he will perform better than others in some areas, and worse than others in other areas.

 

From the Christian view, a healthy self-esteem means that the person recognizes the reality of self. She knows that she is a sinner like everyone else, and that she can do nothing in her own strength. However, she also knows that she is precious and loved by her Creator. She rests in the knowledge that she is unconditionally loved and not alone. This perspective leaves no room for arrogance or conceit.

 

The individual with good self-esteem tries to treat others with respect, recognizing that she is equal to others, and that they are equal to her. Given this perspective, wouldn’t it be a better world if everyone had a good self-esteem.

 

 

Question: Do you agree or disagree with the position that arrogant behavior is actually a cover up for low self-esteem? Please share your thoughts.

Posted on

Are You Making Jed Clampett’s Mistake?

Are Self-Esteem Wounds Causing You To Miss Out on Gifts You Already Own?

by

When I was a kid, I liked to watch the Beverly Hillbillies. For those of you who are way too young, this was a Jed_Clampettsituation comedy about a poor mountaineer family who struck oil on their property, became rich, and moved into a Beverly Hills mansion. Each episode portrayed their confusion, ignorance, and occasional wisdom, as they encountered some aspect of Beverly Hills life.

Jed Clampett was the patriarch of the family. He discovered the oil when he shot into the ground, and “up came a bubbling crude.” Prior to the discovery, he and his family had lived in a little shack, with just enough food to survive.

The irony was that Jed Clampett had always been rich. He had always owned the oil. He just didn’t know it. The riches were just under the surface, waiting to be discovered.

Through the years, I have seen many people who are rich, but don’t know it. They suffer because they can’t see the gifts they already own. They mistakenly perceive themselves to be poor, so they life like they are poor.

These people aren’t living on an oil field. Their riches aren’t material or financial. Their gifts are actually much more valuable. Recognition of their gifts would certainly change their lives, even more than the Clampett’s.

Their unrecognized gifts may be personal abilities, character strengths or relationships. They fail to see these riches because of earlier self-esteem wounds. At some time in their childhood, they were led to believe that they were inadequate, defective or unimportant. Because they were just children, they believed these messages and failed to see the truth.

There was the very intelligent high school senior who never considered college because his father called him an idiot and told him that he would never amount to anything, or the talented musician and singer who never shared her music because a critical piano teacher told her that she lacked talent.

Then there was the sensitive, compassionate woman, who saw her caring nature and empathy as a weakness, because some mean girls in school made fun of her for being too emotional, or the boy who was ostracized because he his values prevented him from joining in on bullying a classmate.

There was the depressed, suicidal man who believed his family and the world would be better off without him, despite the fact that he had a loving family and many caring friends, who worried about him. Fortunately, his suicide attempt was unsuccessful, and he was able to discover the truth.

Finally, there was the woman who had been repeatedly abused and rejected in childhood and adulthood. She believed the abuse to be her fault, assuming that she had some defect that made her unlovable. She told me that she prayed every day that God would love her. I pointed out that this prayer was part of her problem. I told her that she was praying the wrong thing, because God already loved her. I suggested that she pray that God would help her see how much He loved her. She started praying this way, and initiated her healing.

Are you missing out on gifts you already possess? Are you living a life of emotional poverty, when your gifts are just below the surface? You can discover these riches, and your life can change. Just ask Jed Clampett.

 

Question: What talents, characteristics or love have you missed, because of your self-esteem wounds? How would your life change if you opened those gifts?

 

Posted on

Is Your Self-Doubt Killing Your Dreams?

You Can Conquer Self-Doubt and Achieve Your Purpose!

by

Self-doubt is a ruthless dream killer.

Yesterday, I talked with someone who has huge potential. He is intelligent, kind, thoughtful and has a good depressed_man_001personality. He described a dream he has held since middle school. His dream was a good one. I could feel his excitement as he shared the plans he had made, his educational goals, and his visions of his future day-to-day activities.

He then shared how his dreams fell apart. He lamented that he was now in his mid-thirties, and that he had totally given up on the dream. He explained that, while his interests and personality led him in the direction of the dream, he had “realized” that he just didn’t have the ability.

He related a series of events that made him question his abilities. He felt he just was not smart enough to do it. He had settled for a lower, less demanding path. He gave up on his dream. Actually, his self-doubt had killed the dream.

Self-doubt seems to be found deep in our core being. It is often just under our conscious awareness. We don’t consciously think about self-doubt. Rather, we think the thoughts that are generated by our self-doubt. Thoughts such as, “I don’t think I’m cut out for this” or “I’m not smart enough for that” or “Nobody will want to read my writing.” The thoughts slip through our minds so easily that we barely notice them.

As I talked with the young man, I asked him what he would recommend to a friend in the same situation. He quickly said he would tell the friend to go for his dreams. He then added that his friends had told him the same.

We then discussed small steps he could take to move forward toward his dreams. The small steps seemed much more manageable for him. He made a commitment to start investigating his options.

Everyone has self-doubt at times. The severity of self-doubt depends on the individual’s experience. Those who experienced harsh criticism or academic difficulties usually carry a greater amount of self-doubt.

Pay attention to your self-doubt tendencies. Consider the possibility that your self-doubt is based more on your prior negative experiences, rather than on your actual abilities.

My hope is that you will pursue your dreams and not give up until you’re living them!

 

Comments: Share your experiences of pursuing and attaining your dreams, despite moments of self-doubt.

Posted on

Accepting the Gift of Forgiveness

by

Today we celebrate Easter. Christians around the world celebrate the fact that Jesus conquered death and the cross.man_praising_God We remember the gift, the sacrifice and a renewed relationship with our Creator. On this day, we are again reminded that we can be forgiven of our many mistakes, failings and faults. Because He paid our debt, we can be free of guilt and shame. It’s a gift; ours for the taking…  But, do we take it?

Over my thirty-two years of doing counseling, I have seen so many people who are weighed down by the burden of their past mistakes and failings. I have listened as they listed their bad choices, actions and outcomes. They didn’t have to recall them, because they were ever present in their minds. They never forgot them.

I have listened as they assumed the role of prosecutor, jury and judge, while laying out the evidence of their inadequacy and unworthiness. They presented their case, passed their verdict and handed down their sentence.

Unfortunately, the sentence was always life. It was a lifetime of shame, self-criticism, and sadness. There didn’t seem to be any parole or pardon. There was no hope of future freedom. The cell door was welded shut. There was no key.

Interestingly, most of these people were Christians, and fully believed in God’s forgiveness. They easily accepted the fact that any sin can be forgiven and forgotten, making the sinner clean, pure and free. They accepted this fact for everyone else, but not for themselves. Against all logic, they felt that they were somehow different. The couldn’t apply the truth to themselves.

In the thirteenth and fourteenth centuries, there was a religious group called the flagellants. They believe they must continually offer penance for their sins, and thus walked around whipping themselves on the back. The whips were often laced with sharp objects to increase the damage. Their bleeding and their scars served as a testimony to their inadequacy and shame.

Do you recite your list of mistakes in your mind? Have you sentenced yourself to a life sentence of self-criticism, self-blame and shame? Do you keep your self-esteem wounds open by continually picking at them or examining them?

Wouldn’t today be a great day to stop? Of course, you can’t stop such a habit in one day, but you can begin the journey. If you believe that Easter means that forgiveness is available, then today would be a good day to accept it, and begin the process of forgiving yourself.

To do this, you will have to remind yourself daily that your self-blame is unnecessary. You will have to apply the same rules of forgiveness to yourself that you have previously applied to others. You will have to catch yourself each time that you whip yourself with self-criticism; each time you re-live your past failings. You will have to be persistent. It will be worth it. Today, accept the gift of Easter!

 

Question: What steps have you taken to let go of your past, and forgive yourself? Your ideas might help someone else.

Posted on

The Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds on Your Educational and Career Success

by

This is the fourth of my four-part series on the impact of self-esteem wounds. We have looked at the impact of such successwounds on our mental health and overall well-being and on our relationships. Today we’ll examine their impact on educational and career success.

While self-esteem wounds can be in any area, we can generally divide them into person wounds and performance wounds. Person wounds occur when we feel that we are not likable or lovable and anticipate that we will be rejected or ignored. Performance wounds occur when we feel we are inadequate and incompetent and anticipate that we will fail or be judged.

As you might expect, performance wounds have a greater impact on educational or career success. While the fears of rejection, typical of person wounds, can make one back away from opportunities because of social fears, such an impact seems to be less frequent.

The impact of performance self-esteem wounds is pretty obvious. The person believes that she is not as smart, capable or competent as others. She looks at an educational possibility as totally out of her reach. She believes that others can do it, but not she. She chooses an easier major or a lesser degree.

When the employee questions his abilities, he will be less likely to share ideas in meetings. He will worry that his suggestions are unimportant or worthless. He will anticipate disapproval from others on the team. If he does speak up, his anxiety may impair his ability to present his ideas with clarity. He may seem hesitant and unsure of himself. Others may not give his recommendations proper consideration, completing his self-fulfilling prophesy.

It’s sad to think of the potential talent that has been ignored or wasted because of self-esteem wounds. These false, destructive self-beliefs prevent many from realizing their true potential. Highly intelligent and capable individuals settle for lesser positions and we all lose.

We need to do everything we can to help people recognize the presence of self-esteem wounds and promote healing. It is possible to heal self-esteem wounds. My book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart” is designed to do just that. It is actually a combination book and workbook, as the chapters conclude with exercises. You might also check out my webinar, “Reclaiming Your Positive Self-Esteem.” This four-hour course provides another resource for that healing.

 

Question: Have you seen the limiting effects of self-esteem wounds on yourself or someone you love? What steps have you taken to combat such wounds? 

Posted on

The Impact of Self-Esteem Wounds on Your Relationships

by

This is the third article in my series on the impact of self-esteem wounds. Today, we’ll look at the impact of these Self-Esteem and Relationshipswounds on relationships. We’ll examine how your choices, your perceptions and your reactions in relationships can be altered by self-esteem wounds.

A self-esteem wound is a negative belief about self that has been created by previous negative experiences. Such wounds can be classified as person wounds or performance wounds.

A person wound means that the individual believes that he is not likeable or lovable. He may expect or anticipate rejection.  Person wounds are produced when an individual experiences rejection or emotional distance from some family members or friends.

Performance wounds mean that the person believes that she is inadequate or not able to perform as well as others. She will anticipate that others are judging her and being critical. Performance wounds are created when one experiences harsh or frequent criticism or judgment during childhood.

Our Reactions:

First, let’s look at the impact of these wounds on your reactions in relationships. Scar tissue is more sensitive than the surrounding skin. Likewise, a self-esteem wound makes us more sensitive in that particular area.

Person wounds make us much more sensitive to incidents of rejection, disengagement or distance by others. When we are left out, we feel it more deeply. We hurt more intensely. Our reactions to perceived rejection are more intense or pronounced. Our partners may be confused and feel that we are overreacting. Conflicts may develop.

Performance wounds are similar. They make us more sensitive to incidents of criticism or judgment. We experience a deeper hurt when we feel criticized or judged. Our reactions may be anger and defensiveness or shutting down and distancing, but they are intense. Our partners may be not understand why we felt criticized or feel that we are overeating. Again, conflicts may ensue.

Our Perceptions:

Perception is the brain’s attempt to make sense of the world. Our senses send patterns of electrical signals to the brain. The brain then has to put those signals together in a way that makes sense and has meaning. For example, when you look at a flower, your eye sends patterns of electrical signals to your brain. It doesn’t send a picture of a flower. Your brain has to interpret those signals, based on prior experience, and identify those signals as a flower. This works perfectly most of the time, but perception can be distorted at times. We see examples of this when we look at optical illusions.

Perceptions of social or relationship events work in much the same way. We observe a person’s words, facial expressions, body position and behaviors and have to make sense of the information. Our brain puts the data together in a way that makes sense to us. We “read between the lines” and conclude more than we actually know. We assume what the other person is thinking or feeling, based on an interpretation of their tone of voice or facial expression. Like the flower example, our brains interpret the information based on prior experience. If we have experienced rejection in the past, we anticipate rejection and often perceive rejection, when it really isn’t there. Likewise, prior experiences of criticism or judgment cause us to perceive that others are criticizing us even when they aren’t doing so.

We don’t react to other’s actual intensions or feelings, because we can’t know those. We react to our perceptions of their intension or feelings. When we misperceive, problems occur. Conflicts and confusion follow.

Our Choices:

This issue is a bit complicated, but here goes. Our self-esteem wounds often have an impact on our choices of partners. We tend to find ourselves in relationships with people who frequently touch our wounds. Those with performance wounds (who are sensitive to criticism and judgment) tend to feel more attracted to people who seem critical or judgmental; people who seem hard to please. Those with person wounds (who are sensitive to rejection) of more attracted to people who seem distant or uncaring.

The pattern can be even more extreme. We often see the son of the alcoholic parent later marry the woman with alcohol or drug problems. Or we see the daughter of the abusive parent in an abusive marriage. Of course, this is not always true, but it often occurs.

It is important to note here that the partner rarely exhibits those behaviors in the beginning of the relationship. He or she isn’t critical, distant or abusive in the early stages of the relationship. Those behaviors don’t start until the relationship is firmly established.

Also, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you are in a relationship with the wrong person. It means that you have to work through how you react to those behaviors. Successful relationships can develop if we react to the other’s criticism or distance with vulnerable assertiveness. Being assertive, while sharing our hurts (not anger), can often bring relationship healing. Of course, we have to protect ourselves from abuse.

As I said, this issue is complicated. You can read more in “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

 

Question: Have you seen the impact of self-esteem wounds on your relationships? What steps have you found helpful in addressing such issues?