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The Power of Your Thinking

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Young Woman Biting Her Finger NailAs a man thinks in his heart, so is he.
Proverbs 23:7

You talk to yourself all day. All your waking hours, you are thinking in words and sentences. You carry on an internal conversation with yourself. You comment on events, ask yourself questions and then answer them. This is normal. We all do it, but we usually aren’t aware that we’re doing it.

Have you ever stopped to consider the impact of all this internal chatter? You might be surprised at the degree to which your thoughts influence your mood, guide your perceptions and direct your behaviors. We would all do well to pay attention to the content of our thoughts, and consider their influence on our mood and choices. Have negative thought patterns caused you to experience unnecessary pain or make unhealthy choices?

The power of our thinking is magnified by the sheer volume of thoughts that go through our minds each day. Thousands of words, hundreds of phrases, judging thoughts, assuming thoughts, emotionally charged thoughts, all passing unquestioned into our minds and hearts.

A little internal observation will reveal that we all have habitual patterns of thinking. Some of us tend to think optimistic thoughts and some pessimistic thoughts. Some people are kind to themselves in their thoughts and some are very self-critical. Some people tend to be skeptical of others and some trusting in their thoughts.

This week, pay attention to your thoughts. Notice what you are saying to yourself. Particularly, notice any repeated patterns of negative thinking. Also, notice how your thoughts influence your mood and your behaviors. Was a negative or irritable mood preceded by negative thinking? Was a depressed mood preceded by self-critical or pessimistic thoughts? I believe that a little self-examination will reveal a connection between your self-talk and your life experience.
There are many forms of negative thinking can hurt us. In future posts, I will be addressing several specific types of negative thinking and providing tools we can use to change our thinking and improve our lives. For now, just notice the internal conversation as you go through your day. Become aware of your thoughts, your assumptions and your attributions. Awareness is the beginning of change.

Question: What techniques have you found to be helpful in monitoring your self-talk? Can you see a connection between the quality of your daily life experience and the thoughts that are going through your head?

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Was Your Marriage Made in Heaven or Hell? You Decide.

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It’s been said that there’s nothing better than a good marriage, and nothing worse than a bad one. While a bit couple_not_talkingextreme, there is some truth in the statement. Most marriages, however are a mixture of good and bad moments. When we work through the bad moments correctly, we experience more of the joys that a good marriage can offer.

I do a fair amount of marriage counseling. Most couples come in focusing on the negative behaviors of their spouse and convey the belief that everything would be great if the spouse would change.  Each person is less aware of their own contribution to the conflict. Both are left with the feeling that their needs are not being met.

I often share a story that my pastor used years ago in a sermon. I don’t know the original source, but it’s a story worth sharing.

There was a man who died and went to heaven. Saint Peter met him at the pearly gates and told him that he was a strange. He told the man that he was exactly on the borderline of going to heaven or hell. He said that they had decided to show him both and let him decide where he wanted to spend eternity. The man said that sounded fair and they proceeded to each.

Saint Peter took him to a door and said that this was hell. He opened the door and the man immediately saw a huge banquet room as far as the eyes could see. In this room there were rows of banquet tables as far as the eyes could see, and on these tables was a wonderful banquet, all the great foods you could imagine. The tables had white tablecloths, silver and china. It was a true banquet, but the people sitting on both sides of the tables were skin and bone, and just looking longingly at the food.

The man said the Saint Peter, “They look miserable. Why aren’t they eating? The food is right in front of them.”

Saint Peter said, “Look at their arms.”

The man looked more closely at their arms and saw that one arm had been replaced at the elbow with a three-foot-long spoon, and the other arm had been replaced at the elbow with a three-foot-long fork. The man looked confused for a moment, but then exclaimed, “They can’t get it to their mouth. So, they have to sit here for eternity looking at the food, but unable to eat it.”

Saint Peter said, “That’s right, now I’ll show you heaven.”

He took the man to another door and said, “Now I’ll show you heaven.”

He opened the door and the man immediately saw a huge banquet room just like the first. In the room were long rows of banquet tables just like the first, and on these tables was a true banquet, just like the first. But, the people sitting at the tables were obviously well fed and happy. They were talking, singing and having a good time.

The man said to Saint Peter, “These people look a lot happier. I choose heaven.”

Saint Peter replied, “Okay, but look at their arms.”

The man looked more closely and saw that one arm had been replaced at the elbow with a three-foot-long spoon, and the other with a three-foot-long fork. The man looked confused and said, “I don’t understand.”

Saint Peter said, “Well, you see, in heaven, they feed each other.”

A marriage can feel like a marriage made in heaven or a marriage made in hell, depending on whether the people learn to feed each other, or worry about the fact that they are not getting fed.

 

Question: Have you seen the benefits of “feeding each other” in your marriage, and how did it feel?

 

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The Innocent Victims of Sexual Abuse

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Child abuse comes in many forms and all are damaging, but sexual abuse creates a unique self-esteem wound. sad_girlThrough the years, I’ve treated many victims of sexual abuse and seen first hand the impact of that abuse on their lives.

I have found that there are several, almost universal, reactions for the victim of sexual abuse. These reactions seem to be consistent, regardless of the victim’s age when the abuse occurred, the time span of the abuse (e.g. a single incident or multiple incidents over several years), or the particular circumstances where the abuse occurred. These reactions form the self-esteem wound. Sexual abuse makes the victim conclude that they are bad, damaged or tainted.

Here are the common reactions of the sexual abuse victim:

  1. “There was something about me that made the abuser choose me. I must have done or said something wrong to cause the abuse to occur. I’m bad”.
  2. “Now that I have been abused, I am defective, dirty, and damaged. Others wouldn’t want to spend time with me if they knew what I had done. They wouldn’t like me or love me. I’m bad”.
  3. “I should have been able to stop the abuse or stop it earlier than I did. I should have done something to make it stop. I’m bad”. (Interestingly, this belief is held, even when the victim was five years old or younger and the perpetrator was an adult.) When a person is being sexually abused, the mind often goes into a type of trance state. The victim doesn’t think clearly. Her thinking and decision making is often temporarily impaired. She will ask herself later why she didn’t do some behavior to prevent or stop the abuse, but during the abuse she couldn’t think clearly.
  4. The victim perceives her sexuality differently. She may gravitate toward sex, even when she would rather say no. The victim will often feel that sex is the only thing that anyone would want from her, or that she might as well give in because she is already broken. Because of her increased sexual activity, she concludes, “I’m bad.” On the other hand, the victim may experience anxiety or repulsion in association with sex. She may not enjoy sex or avoid it altogether, even when it occurs in acceptable circumstances.
  5. There is another reaction to sexual abuse that is rarely discussed, yet it can be the greatest contributor to the victim’s feelings of shame and self-blame. This is the fact that abuse victims will sometimes feel sexual arousal during the abuse. The victim reasons that he or she must have wanted it in some way or they wouldn’t have responded, thus “I’m Bad.” Nothing could be further from the truth. The body is like a machine in many ways. When the knee is tapped with a rubber hammer, the foot will jerk. You can’t avoid it. In the same way, when the body is touched in certain ways, an arousal response may occur. You didn’t want it. You couldn’t avoid it. It means nothing, except the fact that you are a human being.

The reality is that a sexual abuse victim is a totally innocent victim. Think of it this way. Imagine that you found out today that your child had been abused in the same way that you were. The exact same acts were done to your child that were done to you. Your child was the same age that you were when it happened. How angry would you be? Would you be angry at your child? Of course not. You would be angry at the perpetrator for hurting your child, but not angry at your child. Would you love your child any less? Of course not. Would you perceive your child as damaged, defective or dirty? Of course not.

You see, you were just as innocent as your child would be. You were no different. You were just as helpless to resist it. You may have felt older or more powerful at the time, but you weren’t. We often perceive ourselves as older than we actually are during childhood.

You would not want your child to feel shame. You shouldn’t feel shame either. If you were sexually abused, it’s time to recognize the truth. It wasn’t your fault. You were a totally innocent victim of the abuse. Realizing this is the first step toward healing.

 

Question: What resources have you found to be helpful in helping yourself or someone else who has experienced abuse?

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The Power of Humility

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It seems to be a bit confusing to say that you can improve your self-esteem by practicing humility, but I believe that itHumility is true. I began thinking about this topic after reading Dr. John Dickson’s book titled Humilitas. I heard Dr. Dickson speak at a conference I attended in South Korea last month and followed-up by reading his book. He presents a compelling argument for the benefits of practicing humility in our day-to-day interactions.

Dr. Dickson’s field of expertise is ancient history, and he explores the changes in the perception of humility in different eras and societies. He notes that society didn’t seem to value humility until Christ’s teachings began to spread. Prior to that time, ancient writings were filled with bragging and self-elevation that most of us today would find quite offensive.

True humility is a deliberate choice. The person voluntarily lowers himself or herself and behaves in a modest, gentle or serving manner toward the other person. Consider the act of Jesus washing his disciple’s feet.

This type of humility is very different from the times where one is put down or humiliated by others. The later act wounds the self-esteem. The former is a reflection of a healthy self-esteem. One needs to have a healthy self-esteem to be able to voluntarily humble him or herself.

This is also different from the person with a damaged or wounded self-esteem, who behaves in a self-critical and self-depreciating manner. This person’s behaviors are simply a reflection of their negative beliefs about self. This person sees him or herself as inferior to others or defective and so acts that way.

When you practice deliberate humility, you recognize that you have value, ability or knowledge, but you refrain from flaunting it. You listen earnestly to the other individual, recognizing that you can learn from everyone. You treat the other person with honor, respect and kindness.

I believe that you walk away from such interactions feeling better about yourself, and that your self-esteem grows. It’s not that you walk away proud of your actions. Rather, I believe you lose any sense of yourself, as you serve others.

True humility is learned through deliberate practice or conscious effort. But, the practice fosters an attitude that becomes an unconscious way of living. Try it. I believe your self-esteem or self-worth will benefit from the effort.

Question: Think about someone you know who seems to practice true humility. How do they make you feel when you are around them? Think about times when you have practiced humility by putting another person above yourself. How did it make you feel?

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Viewing Events From An Eternal Perspective

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Everyone experiences their share of painful, negative life events. We all experience loss. Sometimes the pain feels depressed_personlike more than we can bare. The pain of grief cannot be taken away, and really, it shouldn’t. We need to grieve when we experience loss. The process of grief is healthy and eventually healing.

However, there are some techniques we can use to ease our grief a bit. I learned one such tool in one of my trips to Thailand. I conducted brief annual clinics for missionaries in Thailand for seven years. The clinics were held at an annual conference of 1200 to 1500 missionaries, and I was asked to attend to offer counseling for those that needed it. The days were full and a very rewarding.

Each morning of the conference, a worship service was held for the attendees. The services were held in a large auditorium, with all of the 1200 to 1500 in attendance. One speaker shared a message that the difficulties in our lives take on a new meaning when we view them from an eternal perspective. He said that we tend to think of our losses in terms of the impact they will make on our remaining years on this earth. We imagine spending our days without the loved one. However, as Christians, we believe that our true existence is for eternity, not just for our earthly years.

As he spoke, I noticed a string tied to his podium and stretching upward all the way to the back ceiling of the conference center. The string had to be at least 150 yards in length. Later in the sermon, he pointed the string out to the crowd. He also noted that, near the podium, there was a small bead on the string. He said to think of our earthly lives as the string that was covered by the bead, and our eternal lives as the full length of the string, plus much more. He pointed out that any painful events that we experience on this earth are only here for a moment, but that we have an eternity ahead of us.

He noted that the years where we will miss that loved one are but a blink of an eye, in perspective to being with them again for an eternity. He then said that the difference between an earthly life of five years or ninety-five years seems enormous to us, but that when seen from an eternal perspective, it is only a moment in time. He asked us to remember that reality when we have to deal with earthly pain and loss.

Now, I fully realize that this perspective can be hard to maintain, when we are in the middle of grief, but I do find some comfort when I remember the string and the bead. I hope you will as well.

 

Question/Comment: Please share any perspectives or techniques that have helped you deal with grief and loss.

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The Power of an Attitude of Gratitude

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thanksgiving_photoOnce more, scientific research has confirmed something that our parents and grandparents already knew; that counting our blessings will make us happier. In fact, practicing this one habit seems to improve our sense of emotional wellbeing more than any other behavior.

In the mid-1990’s, a branch of psychology began to emerge, called “Positive Psychology”. Rather than focusing on emotional illness or difficulties, this group turned their research toward increasing understanding of the factors that made some people exceptionally positive or mentally healthy.

We’ve all known some individuals who seem to handle life’s difficulties with exceptional grace, and just appear more happy, joyful or satisfied. They clearly experience their share of life’s up’s and down’s, but do with more peace and hope than most. The researchers in Positive Psychology studied such individuals to identify those traits, attitudes or habits they shared that allowed them to do this.

First, let’s look at the factors that did not predict happiness. The researchers found that material wealth or standard of living had very little to do with happiness. While the United States has the highest financial standard of living, we are clearly not the happiest people. Many people who have much less than us report that they are much happier.

The research also found that negative life events did not necessarily lower a person’s level of happiness on a long-term basis. Of course, one’s happiness does go down immediately after experiencing a negative life event, but the research found that the person’s level of happiness usually returns to their pre-event level within two years. This was even true when the negative event was extreme, such as spinal cord injury resulting in permanent paralysis. Interestingly, the same was true for positive life events. Immediately after the event, the person’s level of happiness did go up, but usually returned to their pre-event level within about two years.

The studies did find, however, that exceptionally positive people all share an attitude of gratitude. They report that they pay attention to the blessings in their lives. Most of them consciously and deliberately cultivate this feeling of thanksgiving in each day. Most report that, with practice, the attitude becomes more natural and automatic.

We can all learn to be more grateful. Make the decision to cultivate an attitude of gratitude starting today. Count your blessings. Write them down. Before your feet hit the floor each morning, make yourself think of five things you have to be thankful for. Thank those you love. Thank them for the things they do for you, but more, thank them for loving you and sharing your life. Look for opportunities to be thankful today. You just might find yourself feeling happier!

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Story!

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You may be surrounded by wonderful, well-meaning people, but only you can know your needs, feelings and purpose. You can listen and learn from others, but you can’t allow them to direct your life. Live your life deliberately!

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The Truth About Your God-Given Self-Esteem

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happy_womanSo far, in this series on our God-given self-esteem, we have looked at David’s statement in Psalm 8:5 that we are “a little lower than the heavenly beings… and crowned with many crowns.” We have also established that we are to be humble. Humility is simply a recognition of the fact that we are sinful beings and totally dependent on God. Finally, we distinguished the difference between accurate humility and self-punishment. The first reflects truth and is useful. The second reflects a lie and is destructive.

In today’s blog, I want to examine more scriptures concerning our true identity, thus our proper self-esteem. I think that it’s important to take these scriptures quite literally, and let their words sink in. We often pay attention to the scriptures that reflect our preexisting beliefs, while skimming over those that challenge our prior views.

1. First, we see that we are amazing and wonderful creations of our Heavenly Father. We are “fearfully and wonderfully made.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.   Psalm 139:13-14

You are one of His wonderful works, specifically and personally formed by Him; not an accident, not a mistake. You were meant to be here. You are as precious and wonderful as any other human being, including those you love.

2. Then we are told that we have a purpose. God, our creator, has a plan for us. Whether or not it is clear to you, you are meant to be here. There is a reason you are here.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

You have a future and a hope. God plans for your welfare. Watch expectantly!

3. Finally, we are told that our creator loves us so much….

For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.   John 3:16

 And that we didn’t have to do anything to earn that love.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8

So, you are wonderfully made (just like those you love). God has a plan and purpose for your life (just like those you love). And God loves you enough to die for you, without you having to do anything to earn that love (just like those you love). It’s often easy for us to imagine God loving others, particularly those we know and love. However, we often have difficulty accepting His love for us, because we feel so unlovable. Yet, because it is the truth, we must accept that love.

Ponder on that love. Let it soak in like warm sunshine, as it permeates your body. Take the time to feel it. If you have difficulty, keep trying. You might try praying that God will help you to feel that love. He will.

 

 

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Confusing Humility with Self-Punishment

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What does The Bible say about our proper self-esteem? As Christians, how should we see ourselves? How should we think of ourselves? This is the third in a series of blogs on “Our God-Given Self-Esteem?
In the last blog, I discussed scriptures pointing out that we should be humble in our relationship to God. We have to realize that we are totally dependent on God and can do nothing by ourselves. We also must recognize that we are sinners and are helpless without His grace. This is just reality. We lose much when we forget our dependence on God.
Many times, however, Christians have taken this truth and carried it to the extreme, believing that they should be self-depreciating and self-punishing. Many people live their lives riddled with extreme guilt, and self-criticism or even self-abuse, thinking that they are being good Christians.
For most this has taken the form of self-critical thoughts and consuming guilt or sadness. Throughout history, others have gone even further. Some have practiced “mortification of the flesh,” believing that they should punish themselves because of their lowly, sinful nature. This self-punishment has taken the form of wearing sackcloth, extreme fasting, carrying heavy loads, wearing a tight garment or band with inward spikes that pierce the flesh (called a cilice) and flagellation (constantly whipping oneself with a whip).
While most of us would never consider such extreme forms of self-punishment, we often abuse ourselves in our minds. When we flood our minds with self-critical, self-demeaning or self-abusive thoughts, aren’t we just substituting the flagellation whip with words? In fact, I think the physical whip might be less painful than the words. Physical wounds heal faster than emotional wounds.
Notice your self-talk. Listen to the statements you say to yourself, particularly when you have made a mistake or fallen short of your expectations. Are you being overly harsh with yourself? Would you say the same words to anyone else? Are you abusing yourself with your words? Are you verbally flagellating yourself?
Would now be a good time to lay down the whip?

Question: Have you experienced religious messages that you should be self-depreciating or self-punishing? Do you believe such messages to be helpful or harmful to one living life abundantly and with joy?

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Self-Esteem and Humility

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humble_manIn my last blog, I introduced a series on our God-Given Self-Esteem, examining the teachings of the Bible on the proper way we should see ourselves. We examined David’s words that God made man “a little lower than the heavenly beings, and crowned him with many crowns.” (Psalms 8:5) Unfortunately, we rarely believe or accept this definition of our identity.

In today’s post, we will examine the Biblical teaching that we should be humble. How does this teaching impact any work to raise self-esteem? How can we be humble and still consider ourselves “a little lower than the heavenly beings?” Can we be humble and still be “crowned with many crowns?”

Here are some scriptures that teach us to be humble:

 

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has given you. (Romans 12:3)

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”  (James 4:6)

 …for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)

 

I believe that these scriptures point to a simple truth. They do express reality. We are totally dependent on God. We can do nothing without Him. We are all sinners, saved only by grace.

There is a God and I’m not Him. I can’t comprehend the vastness of the universe. Why, I can barely figure out my cell phone. When considering an all-knowing, all-powerful and all-loving God, any attitude other than humility would be foolish.

My efforts to help people recognize and heal self-esteem wounds is not intended to negate the above scriptures. I believe that any good counseling is a movement toward the truth, and I believe these scriptures are true. We have to be responsible for our mistakes and hurtful behaviors. We all have to recognize our limitations.

But these limitations are universally human. We are all in the same boat. We are all merely human. That’s not a personal defect, it’s just the truth of our identity. In this sense, we should always be humble.

In the next post, we’ll examine how a proper self-esteem can be humble, yet positive. We’ll look at how the world conveys lies that wound self-esteem and destroy our joy. We’ll identify the internal comparison that damages self-esteem.

Question: Have you known anyone that seemed to possess both humility and positive self-esteem? How did they demonstrate this?