For several years now, I have focused much of my writing and speaking engagements on self-esteem wounds and the impact of those wounds. I have preached the message that everyone has some self-esteem vulnerabilities and that many have been deeply wounded by past negative experiences. I have tried to speak for those who have difficulty speaking for themselves; the criticized boy who believes himself to be inadequate and stupid or the abandoned girl who sees herself as unimportant or not loveable.
And yet, I’m still shocked at times by the depth of some self-esteem wounds, or by the impact of those wounds. I’m reminded of the extent of the problem in our schools. I imagine the faces of kids who walk the halls every day, trying to act like they have it all together, or just trying to be invisible.
Some cover their insecurities by being loud, trying to be funny or even bullying. Others don’t speak, don’t make eye contact and move silently from class to class until the final bell rings. Some dread lunch because they feel everyone’s eyes focusing on them as they walk through the cafeteria. They imagine a wave of critical thoughts and words following them, as they try to find a table where they won’t be shunned, or worse, asked to move on.
For many, adulthood is better. We learn to worry less about others’ opinions and focus our attention to the tasks at hand. For many, however, the struggle continues throughout life. It doesn’t show, as adults are more adept at acting like they have it all together. Those with deeper self-esteems, those with particularly negative childhood experiences, continue to see themselves as inadequate, unimportant or defective.
Why don’t we do more to address the issue. Why aren’t there more programs in schools, communities or churches to help people rid themselves of their self-esteem wounds. Is it because we don’t care? Perhaps, but I hope not. Is it because we don’t have any idea what to do? That’s a big part of it, but I think the biggest reason is that we still imagine that we are the only ones with such feelings. We believe it when others say they are “fine.” We concluded as children that everyone else was okay, and we maintain the delusion.
Question: Why do you think so little is done to help children and adolescents deal with self-esteem wounds? Tell us what you think.
So, how does one categorize those who realize their adequacy, their importance, and are not defective ? Are they the pinnacle of the bell curve or an extreme. Do they need treatment/therapy, should they be teaching us how to effectively ameliorate these issues, or , more importantly, do they exist ?
The extent of self-esteem wounds and even the existance of such wounds will vary tremendously, usually depending on early life experiences. When the child experiences a loving stable home, his or her self-esteem can be relatively good. I would maintain that, even under such positive conditions, it is impossible to escape childhood without some “wound to the heart.” I have also seen some individuals who had very negative experiences, and yet seemed to have a relatively positive self-esteem. Despite the fact that they received many negative messages about their worth, they seemed to see that those messages were not a reflection of their value, but rather a reflection of the problems of those who hurt them. Those are the people that we should probably study to learn how they were able to insulate themselves from their hurtful environment. Otherwise, those individuals don’t need therapy or other intervention. The concern here is for those who were unable to insulate themselves and carry the wounds. There are too many of them to ignore. We need to explore ways to help them.
So it seems that the degree of self awareness (and/or self actualization) plays a critical role in determining who is okay, who needs help and to what degree. I guess the bottom line is what the individual “feels” identifies the “need”, and the professional designs the actions to take in meeting those “needs”. However, what if a “need” exists, but the individual is totally clueless ? Does this become the focus of the professional’s interpretation and treatment ? Or maybe they don’t need to always know a need, and thus the treatment brings the need to their awareness — resulting in the change ? Sorry, just rambling thoughts here !
I do think awareness is important. Each situation is different, but I find that many times, negative self-beliefs and negative self-talk play a major role in creating depression, anxiety and relationship difficulties. The prevelence of self-esteem problems is huge. Sometimes the self-esteem issue comes up because the person is aware of the issue. Sometimes the person is aware only of depression or anxiety and negative self-talk comes up through counseling.