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Learning to Let Go

We can experience serenity when we learn to let go of the things we can't change.

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“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” 
Ann Landers

 

I once heard the saying that a baby is born with its fists clinched tight, holding on to everything in life. When we die, we’re laid in the casket with our hands outstretched, letting go of everything in life. And, life is the process ofLetting go can give us serenity. learning how to let go. I think this rings true.

We have such an aversion to letting things go. Even when we rationally know that we can’t change a situation, we hold on to it. Even when we know that ruminating, analyzing, replaying, or gnashing our teeth about a thing won’t change it, we refuse to let it go. Even when others tell us that it’s killing us, we hold on.

We seem to have the belief that continuing to think about a past negative event, a mistake, a slight or a wrong treatment, will somehow make it go away. We hold on to our anger, as if being angry will magically fix the problem. Or, when dealing with our own mistakes, we seem to believe that holding on to our guilt or shame is going to help. We continue to replay the unfortunate action, as if one more review will change the outcome. It never does.

It all comes down to the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.”

 

Letting go and accepting is a choice, but it has to be a daily choice. We first make the rational decision to let a situation go. We recognize that our only pathway to peace is to let go. We realize that holding on is not helping the situation, but only hurting us. We then have to remind ourselves of our decision, whenever we find ourselves obsessing about the event again.

 

Again, it is difficult to let go, but well worth the effort. A variation of Neibuhr’s prayer might be, “Lord grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, so that I can finally experience serenity.”

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When You Get Off Track

Our response to getting off course makes all the difference.

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Do you ever get frustrated with yourself? Of course, you do. We all have times when we want to accomplish some staying on coursegoal, improve ourselves in some way, or otherwise change something in our lives. We know what we want to do. We can see the outcome in our mind’s eye. We’re excited and motivated to change. We may even  do pretty well for a while. It looks like we’re going to succeed.

But, then we get off track. We eat that extra roll that’s not on the diet. We sleep late and skip the gym. We find ourselves doing the old behavior we’re trying to eliminate. We get sidetracked and put the project on a back burner. We fail.

I think Paul was talking about me when he said in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” I think we can all relate to his frustration. I suppose the only way to not get off track, is to never set a goal. If we strive for nothing, we’ll never be disappointed.

But, I think there’s a better way. I’m a firm believer in setting goals and working each day to better our lives and the lives of others. I want to live my life deliberately, but I do get off track at times. The answer is in our response to those times when we get off track. How do we respond when we realize that we’ve gotten off course?

We have several choices. We can throw our hands in the air and give up completely. We can use the failure as an opportunity to beat ourselves up in our minds. We can brand the failure experience as one more proof of our inadequacy. Or, we can simply get back on track and try again.

To illustrate, I sometimes use the example of an old wooden sailing ship. The captain of the cargo ship has plotted a course from a port in Spain to a particular port in Wilmington, NC. He draws a long straight line from one point to another across the Atlantic.

They say that almost immediately after the ship sets sail, it begins to get off course. The ocean’s currents may wash it north of the designated course. Or the winds may blow it south of course. It moves off the captain’s straight line over-and-over.

The key is that every time it moves off course, the helmsman steers it back on course. The ship simply returns to the desired course, and keeps sailing forward. In fact, my understanding is that the ship is actually off-course more than it is on-course. And, eventually, after repeatedly returning, the ship docks at the desired port in Wilmington.

If we attempt anything, we will get off course. That is normal and okay. When we recognize that we’ve drifted off-course, we simply return. We don’t need to beat ourselves up. It doesn’t help and actually hurts. We just return, again and again, and eventually we get to our desired destination. Try it.

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When You Can’t See the Way

Here are several points to remember when you find yourself in a painful situation.

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If you’re going through hell, keep going.

              Winston Churchill

 

Sometimes life is hard. At some time, you will find yourself in a place where you can’t see a way out. You may feel feeling hopelessconfused, lost and helpless. You may feel stuck and hopeless.

Your situation may have been caused by a bad decision, or a failure. It may have not been your fault at all. Because we live in a fallen world, bad things do happen. We experience the pain of a lost job, lost health, or a lost loved one.

When such things occur, our knee-jerk response may be to hide and lick our wounds. We may just sit and ruminate about our situation. We may want to stay in bed all day. We may feel emotionally paralyzed.

Instead, we may react with anger and frenetic activity. We may blame others or ourselves. We may instinctively jump into high gear, with the idea that it’s better to do something, even if it’s the wrong thing.

So what do we do when we experience the valleys of life? Here are a few point to remember when you feel you can’t find a way out of your situation.

  1. You’re not the first one to experience this. Of course, we know that everyone experiences pain in this life. We know it, but we tend to forget it when our pain is particularly strong. Recalling that others have experienced similar situations, or worse, and that they have made it through it, can help us gain perspective.
  2. You’re not alone. Even though we can’t see Him, we are promised that our Heavenly Father will “never leave us or forsake us.” In our pain, we may not feel His presence, but we are promised that He is always beside us, and carries us when we can’t carry ourselves. I love the line, “If we knew who was walking beside us, every step of our day, we would never be afraid of anything.”
  3. Let others support you. When bad things happen, we need to lean on other people. Talk to those who you know would want to be there for you. Don’t be afraid of bothering or burdening them. If they were experiencing a similar situation, would you want them to come to you? Would you be upset if they didn’t? Let them help you in the same way.
  4. Do one step at a time. We have a strong tendency to ruminate about the past or anticipate the future, and such ruminations create much of our pain. In reality, the past does not exist except in our memories, and the future does not exist except in our imaginations. We will never have the resources to deal with the past, because it doesn’t exist any longer. We will never have the resources to deal with the future, because it doesn’t exist yet. We will always have the resources to deal with the present moment. We are told: Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
  5. Be kind to yourself. Even when the valley is due to your own mistake or failure, it doesn’t help to beat yourself up. Beyond a healthy self-discipline, be kind to yourself. Try to show yourself the same compassion that you would show to a loved one who made the same mistake. If they would deserve such compassion, you do too.
  6. You don’t have to see the whole path. In the midst of our valley, we often can’t see the whole way out, but we don’t have to. We only have to see our next step. You can drive across the United States at night, even though your headlights only show you the next one hundred feet. You don’t have to see the whole route, only the next little bit. But by continuing to drive the path we are shown, we will eventually get to our destination.

Hopefully, these points will help you in your difficult situation. Just remember to keep moving.

 

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The Dangers of Self-Pity and Benefits of Self-Compassion

While self-pity can ruin your day or your life, you can benefit greatly by learning self-compassion.

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“There’s something about self-pity; it’s just so satisfying.”

                                                                   Unknown

 

It’s a strange thing. It is true that feeling sorry for ourselves can be oddly satisfying. We can easily drop into a state ofself-pity can ruin your life self-pity and then wallow in it. It can seem to provide a momentary comfort from the pains of life. When we’re in it, we just want to sit, and do nothing. For some reason, we humans can be drawn to it.

But self-pity is a bit of a trap. The mindset that feels comforting in the beginning soon turns into a crippling condition. It never serves to improve our circumstances, but rather, worsens them. We lose the motivation to take action. We wallow.

There’s little to recommend self-pity. But we all do encounter painful life events, and have to endure difficult circumstances. When life is particularly painful, how can we react? What mindset should we choose when life becomes especially difficult?

We know that self-pity isn’t helpful, so we often hear people admonishing themselves, or others, to avoid having a pity party. Such critiques are not helpful. They only add to the pain of the situation. They certainly offer no kindness or compassion.

A better alternative to self-pity is self-compassion. Kristin Neff, Ph.D. defines self-compassion as extending compassion to one’s self in situations of perceived inadequacy, failure or general suffering. To be self-compassionate, we must be open and aware of our hurt feelings, be kind to ourselves, and recognize that we are only human. Basically, we try to show ourselves the same compassion we would extend to a loved one who was experiencing the same painful circumstance.

When we are self-compassionate, we are more likely to take steps to recharge or heal. We may allow ourselves a day of rest, seek out the support of a friend, or do something nice or ourselves. We try to think kind thoughts about self. We avoid the harsh self-criticism that so easily floods the mind.

With self-compassion, we don’t wallow. After a brief moment of self-kindness, we take action to improve the negative situation, when possible. If we have hurt someone else, we apologize or try to make amends. When possible, we try to fix, or improve, the problem. We take steps to prevent the difficulty in the future.

With self-compassion, we recognize that we make mistakes, that we have weaknesses, and that sometimes life is painful. We recognize the truth, treat ourselves with kindness, and then move on to improve our lot. Seems pretty healthy to me.

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Anger and Anxiety

Prior experiences may have taught you to be afraid of even mild expressions of anger.

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Most people have heard of the classic experiment conducted by Ivan Pavlov, where he taught a dog to salivate angry_manwhenever he heard a bell. He would ring a bell, then immediately give the dog food. At first, the dog just salivated when he saw the food, but soon he began to salivate whenever he heard the bell. After that, he salivated when he heard the bell, even when no food was present. This subconscious pairing of one reaction with a neutral stimulus is called classical conditioning.

A more familiar example would be when a hospital patient is given a new medication, and given orange juice to wash it down. The medication happens to make the patient sick. After that, the patient feels nauseated whenever he drinks orange juice.

Classical conditioning frequently comes into play in our everyday lives, sometimes in ways that hurt us.  For example, you may have grown up with a father who had intense episodes of anger. Because you were just a child, his anger scared you. You may have felt helpless and afraid that someone, including you, might get hurt.

This experience could have caused your brain to pair anger with thoughts and physical sensations of fear. This pairing could now occur when you see someone displaying, even mild to moderate episodes of anger. You experience anxiety when you see or hear signs of anger. You tend to avoid any situation where you might make someone angry. You may even fear expressing your own anger.

Your body will tell you whether this pairing, or conditioning, has occurred. Note whether you notice your heart racing, short and shallow breathing, sweating or muscle tension whenever you see someone who is angry. Pay attention to your reactions to seeing anger. It your reaction proportional to the intensity of anger expressed?

Of course, sometimes anger is not safe. Sometimes, you will encounter a person who is so intensely angry that they could be dangerous. If so, you are wise to withdraw and preserve your safety. In this discussion, however, I’m referring to expressions of anger where you know you are not in danger.

You may have difficulty expressing your feelings or being assertive because you fear that the other person will get angry. This can even occur when you intellectually know that you are not in any danger from this person. Your head tells you that you are safe, but your body reacts as if you are not.

If you recognize this pattern, you can work to correct it. If you feel anxious when you experience another person’s anger, but you know that you are actually safe, try to stay in the situation. Notice your breathing and try to slow it down. Try to relax your muscles. Mostly, remind yourself that you are not in danger. That anger is just another emotion like joy or sadness. Over time, you may be able to break the association between anger and anxiety.

If you are successful in decreasing your anxiety about anger, you will be better able to be assertive about your feelings, without as much fear of making the other person upset. By expressing your feelings in a kind and appropriate manner, you may see positive growth in your relationships.

 

Comments: Have you been able to calm your reaction to other’s anger? If so, how?

 

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Helping A Loved One With Low Self-Esteem

We often feel helpless when trying to help someone with negative beliefs about self.

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Do you have that friend who believes that she’s ugly, even though she is actually very attractive? Or perhaps you haveHelping someone with low self-esteem a friend who gives up on his dreams because he thinks he lacks the ability, but you know he could do it. Do you have a loved one who suffers from depression or anxiety because she believes she is less than she really is?

We all know someone like this, and it hurts. It hurts to love someone who doesn’t love or respect himself. It hurts to see them living a limited life, because of self-limiting, and false, beliefs.

We want to help. We try to help. But, how do we do it? If you’re like most, you try to argue with the person. You say things like, “You are not ugly. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You can do anything you want to do.”

How does that work? I suspect not very well. They don’t believe you. They think your words are kind, but untrue. They don’t change their beliefs. They continue to suffer.

I like this quote from Seth Godin:

People don’t believe what you tell them.

They rarely believe what you show them.

They often believe what their friends tell them.

They always believe what they tell themselves.

This is particularly true when it comes to helping someone change a negative believe about self. We have to take our time, listen first, then try to help them look at their belief from a different perspective. It still doesn’t always work, but it definitely works better than an argument.

Of example, I have found the technique of “putting someone else in your shoes” to be very helpful. Let’s say that I have made a mistake. I’m not imagining that it was a mistake. I actually did mess up, and I’m tempted to be very self-critical and beat myself up. I immediately picture someone I know in my mind. I identify someone that I like and respect. I imagine how I would feel if my friend made the exact same mistake, under the exact same circumstances. I also imagine that they are feeling badly like myself.

I then ask myself how I would judge that person. I don’t ask myself what I would say to them, because I might tend to be kind. I ask myself how I would actually feel about that person making the same mistake, under the same conditions. Then, I never let myself be any harder on myself, or any easier on myself, than I would to my friend.

If my conclusion for my friend would be that he couldn’t actually help it, or that he should let it go, then that is what I tell myself. If my conclusion would be that he should be more careful and make amends to the hurt party, then that is also what I tell myself. In other words, I apply the same rules and consequences to myself that I would apply to anyone else.

It’s amazing how often this exercise tempers any tendency to be harsh with myself or to beat myself up. Try it some time, and see how it works for you, or for your loved one. Again, if we can get them to see themselves from a different perspective, they may be able to tell themselves a different story about who they are. Wouldn’t that be nice?

 

Comments: Have you found some ways help someone, or yourself, see themselves in a more positive light. Please share.

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How Your Posture Can Change Your Mood

Your body position and facial expression can have a powerful impact on your mood.

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We can tell a lot about another person’s mood without them saying a word. Facial expressions, body position and theYour body can change your mind. way they move can let us know how they are feeling. We pay attention to the smile, frown or furrowed brow to let us know their reactions in a conversation.

We also read other’s moods by the way they walk or the way they sit. Sitting slumped over with legs and arms crossed conveys a more subdued or depressed mood. Sitting upright, with arms extended usually denotes a more positive or empowered mood.

We generally think that our bodies respond to our minds. If we feel a certain way, the body reacts. When we’re happy, we smile. When we’re sad, we frown. When we’re down, we slump and walk more slowly.

Certainly, it is true that the body reacts to the mind, but recent research has clearly shown that the opposite also occurs. The mind reacts to the body. Standing or sitting in certain positions, or holding a particular facial expression, actually changes the mood.

The researchers found several ingenious ways to get subjects to hold positions normally associated with depressed, happy, angry, powerless or empowered moods. The subjects were given a false explanation for these poses, so they didn’t realize they were mimicking a mood. The researchers then gave the subjects questionnaires to measure mood, and blood tests to measure hormones.

When subjects held depressed or powerless poses or facial expressions, they later reported negative, depressed moods. More importantly, their blood work showed hormonal changes associated with more negative or powerless moods. When they held empowered or positive poses or facial expressions, they later reported happy or confident emotions, and their blood work reflected the same.

Some studies had subjects engage in a stressful event (like a job interview) after holding empowered or powerless poses. They had independent raters observe the subjects’ performance in those situations. Results indicated that the subjects who held the empowered poses actually performed significantly better in the stressful activity.

If you’re interested in learning more about this topic, Amy Cuddy, Ph.D. gave a very popular presentation on www.Ted.com. You can also read her recent book on the subject, “Presence.”

So, you might want to try this easy mood altering technique. Change your posture or your facial expression, whether you feel like it or not. Make yourself smile. Stand up straight with your hands on your hips, and your head tilted slightly upward. Hold that stance for about two minutes. Remember the Wonder Woman pose? By the way, you don’t have to do this in front of anyone.

As silly as this may sound, research shows it makes a difference in mood, body chemistry and performance. Fake it til you make it. You might just change your mind!

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The Placebo and the Nocebo Effect

Your expectations can have a major impact on your health and your future.

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Most people have heard of the placebo effect. This is when a non-therapeutic pill (e.g. sugar pill) actually helps the placebo effectpatient get better because they expect it to help. A placebo is usually used to test new medication. One group is given the placebo, and a second group is given the actual medication. The patients don’t know which they have received. The researchers then compare the results reported by each group.

The truly amazing thing is the fact that many people report an improvement in symptoms, even though they just received the sugar pill. The improvement was produced by their expectation of positive results. Our brains have an amazing ability to heal and correct physical abnormalities. We need to develop a better understanding of this natural ability, so we can use it for our benefit.

While many have heard of the placebo effect, few are aware of the “nocebo effect.” This is when a detrimental effect on health is produced by negative expectations or beliefs. Research has shown that negative beliefs about health can result in actual worsening of physical functioning.

One dramatic example of the nocebo effect is when a witch doctor puts a curse on one of the tribesmen. The witch doctor may declare that the man will die before sunrise, and the otherwise healthy man will die. Of course, this only happens when the victim fully believes the power of the curse, but it does happen, and has been documented.

Fortunately, most of us have escaped a witch doctor’s curse. Unfortunately, many have been impacted by the nocebo effect. Negative expectations of health have worsened health concerns. Seeing yourself as old, can make you older. Expectations of early death can sometimes hasten death.

I have known several situations where a person said they didn’t think they would live beyond a certain age, and their prediction came true. Perhaps they had some premonition, or perhaps it was just coincidence. But, it seems more likely that their bodies responded to their expectations.

I have also known situations where people perceived themselves as old, began to act old, and then seemed to age prematurely. Was this the result of the nocebo effect, or was it something else? It’s difficult to tell, but just in case, you might want to work on your expectations. Make the decision to expect the best in your health, think young thoughts, and plan your one hundredth birthday party. You just might make it!

 

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There’s Too Much at Stake

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In my thirty-four years of outpatient practice, I have seen so many people who suffer from self-esteem wounds; teacher_and_studentwounds that were undeserved and unnecessary. When children experience harsh criticism, they learn to see themselves as inadequate or not good enough. When they experience neglect or rejection, they learn to believe that they are unlovable or unimportant. When they are abused, they tend to see themselves as bad or defective, and feel shame.

In each case, their negative beliefs impact their thinking, their choices and their relationships. Frequent self-critical thoughts can beat the person down, creating depression, anxiety and helplessness. Poor life choices place the person in situations where their self-esteem wounds are deepened. Relationships are often damaged by negative assumptions and reactions created by self-esteem wounds.

We know that these wounds exist. Teachers see them every day in the classroom; the boy who bullies others to feel better about himself, the girl who thinks she’s ugly, or the boy who proclaims that he doesn’t care about grades, but really thinks he can’t succeed.

When they grow up, they get better at hiding self-doubts or insecurities, but they are impacted nonetheless; choosing a lesser job because they doubt their ability to do their dream job, avoiding others because they assume they don’t fit in, or staying with the abusing partner, while blaming themselves for the abuse.

We know that these wounds exist. So why don’t we do something about it? Why don’t we address the problem? What can we do?

Imagine the possibility of a comprehensive self-esteem education program in every school, where students learned to question their negative self-beliefs and fight their negative thinking. Could such a program help an abandoned child realize that she wasn’t at fault? Could it help the harshly criticized boy see his true abilities and potential? In such a program, could a child learn that bullying behavior really comes from a low self-esteem, and that no child deserves to be sexually abused? Even if it didn’t help everyone, it could help some.

I don’t claim to know all the answers, but I believe we should at least be asking the questions. What should we do? What can we do? We must do something. There’s too much at stake.

 

Comments: Please share your thoughts about ways that self-esteem education could be implemented in the schools, and other places, to address self-esteem wounds.

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When Bad Things Happen

Here are five truths that can help you when you are going through life's valleys.

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Certain realities in life can only be seen through eyes cleansed by tears.

                                                                         Pope Francis

 

Why do bad things happen? A national survey asked people what they would ask God, if they could ask him only onewhen bad things happen question. The number one question posed was, “Why is there suffering in the world?”

The only accurate answer to that question is, “I don’t know.” We may speculate. We may have our theories, but there will always be events in this life that are beyond comprehension.

For what it’s worth, I’ll briefly share my personal thoughts on the question, noting that others have voiced similar opinions. First, I don’t believe that God causes bad events. I believe God suffers along with us when we suffer, because He loves us. I also believe that God can, and does, use bad events for good. I believe we experience pain and suffering in this life, because we live in a sinful and broken world. Much suffering is directly caused by sinful behavior, our own or someone else’s. Other times, bad things happen where no sin was involved, such as physical illness or natural disasters. In these cases, it makes sense to me that such events occur simply because we live in a broken world.

So, we’re left with the reality that bad things do happen. Since we can’t change this reality, we need to look at how we can best respond to it. There are several truths that can help us with our response.

  1. Bad things happen to everyone. We are not alone or unique in our suffering. We may perceive that life is easy for some, but we would be wrong. Others may hide their dark days or seem to handle them well, but they still occur. Understanding that life is difficult for everyone helps us accept our difficulties with more grace.
  2. We don’t have to feel alone. When bad things happen, we need to lean on others. We need other’s support. If you are a believer, you know that you need to lean on God during these times. I know that my spiritual growth accelerates during my difficult times. During such times, I am reminded that I need to depend on something greater than myself.
  3. Others don’t have to feel alone. We naturally reach out during the bad times. We want to help, to support, and to encourage. We are blessed when we reach out to bless others. Bad times spur us to do this.
  4. We see life more clearly. Bad events help us see what is really important. Issues that once seemed so important, fade into the background. Our bad times work like a miner’s sifting pan, allowing the unimportant and trivial to fall back into the river, while highlighting the true gold in life.
  5. We reorganize our priorities. I have worked with many people who have altered their life’s direction following a negative life event. Some have come to a place of gratitude for the bad event, as a needed turning point.

So, we are left with the reality that bad things happen to everyone. We can’t avoid them. We may not be able to understand them. But, we can work on how we respond to them, and that can make all the difference.

 

Comments: Please share the steps you have found helpful during the bad times in life.