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Motivation by the Carrot or the Stick

Does reward or punishment work better as a self-motivation?

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Do you tend to use a carrot or a stick on yourself? This idiom refers to the idea that a cart driver can use a carrot or amotivation by reward or punishment stick to motivate a horse to move forward, thus pulling the cart. The horse will either move forward by the enticement of the carrot, or by the avoidance of punishment via the stick.

Research suggests that some people are more responsive to reward and others more responsive to punishment. Interestingly, it seems that genetics may determine which works better for you. Some people are genetically more responsive to dopamine, while others are more responsive to serotine, and this seems to make the difference.

Research also suggests, however, that punishment can create unexpected and unwanted outcomes. Sometimes punishment can backfire by actually increasing the undesired behavior, creating negative emotions or increasing aggression.

The impact of the carrot or stick choice can really be seen when we are trying to motivate ourselves. We can motivate ourselves by setting up rewards for getting tasks done. For example, we might give ourselves a night out as a reward for cleaning out a closet.

We can also reward ourselves by imagining or visualizing the natural positive consequences of working hard and completing a task. I did this during graduate school, as I imagined myself enjoying working in my private practice, as a motivation to work hard on my doctoral studies. It really did work to keep me going during the hard times.

People use punishment on themselves when they put themselves down or criticize themselves for poor performance. They beat themselves up, and claim this is necessary to make them try harder. It almost never works, and reminds me of the old poster saying, “The beatings in this company will continue until morale improves.”

So today, watch your thinking to see whether you use a carrot or stick on yourself. Consider the possibility that your self-punishment is actually hurting your performance. Try visualizing the positive results when you accomplish a task, or promising yourself a pleasurable activity for task success. I think you’ll find that it works better as a motivation, and doesn’t damage your self-esteem.

 

Comments: Please share some of your experiences with the motivators of reward and punishment.

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The Power of an Attitude of Gratitude

A thankful heart gives us hope, connection and resilience. It's good for the soul!

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Happy Thanksgiving! This day, we remember our many blessings. My hope is that you will live in an attitude of gratitude is good for mental health and self-esteemgratitude every day of the year. Even in our difficult days, we have much to be thankful for. Today, I have posted a previous article about the power of an attitude of gratitude. Hope you enjoy it.

Once more, scientific research has confirmed something that our parents and grandparents already knew; that counting our blessings, or an attitude of gratitude, will make us happier. In fact, practicing this one habit seems to improve our sense of emotional wellbeing more than any other behavior.

In the mid-1990’s, a branch of psychology began to emerge, called “Positive Psychology”. Rather than focusing on emotional illness or difficulties, this group turned their research toward increasing understanding of the factors that made some people exceptionally positive or mentally healthy.

We’ve all known some individuals who seem to handle life’s difficulties with exceptional grace, and just appear more happy, joyful or satisfied. They clearly experience their share of life’s up’s and down’s, but do with more peace and hope than most. The researchers in Positive Psychology studied such individuals to identify those traits, attitudes or habits they shared that allowed them to do this.

First, let’s look at the factors that did not predict happiness. The researchers found that material wealth or standard of living had very little to do with happiness. While the United States has the highest financial standard of living, we are clearly not the happiest people. Many people who have much less than us report that they are much happier.

The research also found that negative life events did not necessarily lower a person’s level of happiness on a long-term basis. Of course, one’s happiness does go down immediately after experiencing a negative life event, but the research found that the person’s level of happiness usually returns to their pre-event level within two years. This was even true when the negative event was extreme, such as spinal cord injury resulting in permanent paralysis. Interestingly, the same was true for positive life events. Immediately after the event, the person’s level of happiness did go up, but usually returned to their pre-event level within about two years.

The studies did find, however, that exceptionally positive people all share an attitude of gratitude. They report that they pay attention to the blessings in their lives. Most of them consciously and deliberately cultivate this feeling of thanksgiving in each day. Most report that, with practice, the attitude becomes more natural and automatic.

We can all learn to be more grateful. Make the decision to cultivate an attitude of gratitude starting today. Count your blessings. Write them down. Before your feet hit the floor each morning, make yourself think of five things you have to be thankful for. Thank those you love. Thank them for the things they do for you, but more, thank them for loving you and sharing your life. Look for opportunities to be thankful today. You just might find yourself feeling happier!

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Being Human

A few facts to consider when assessing your self-esteem or self-worth.

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When writing and teaching about self-esteem, I’m often urging people to reconsider their negative self-beliefs andgirl_looking_in_mirror work toward healing self-esteem wounds. I point out that every human being has worth, and try to help people gain a healthy perspective on themselves.

But today, I thought it might be interesting to consider just what it means to be human. Exactly who are we in the grand scheme of things?

First, we are mammals, like cows, dogs, sheep, monkeys, etc. we are born alive and we nurse our young. We are totally helpless when we are born, and remain totally helpless longer than any other mammals. Without someone else taking total care of our physical needs, we would die quickly.

We live a fairly short life. In the United States, the average life expectancy is 79 years (76 years for males and 81 years for females). In other countries of the world, the average life expectancies range from 84 years in Japan to only 46 years in Sierra Leone. While living to around 80 years may seem like an eternity to a sixteen year old, those of us in the last half of the trip realize that it is a blink of an eye.

For years, people have quoted that the actual chemical worth of the elements in a human body (calcium, carbon, iron, etc.) is about 97 cents, but inflation has helped us a bit. It is now said that our various raw ingredients are worth about $5:00. I guess that’s one way to feel better about ourselves.

From a psychological perspective, we can sometimes be a mess. We operative out of raw emotion far too often. We are constantly assuming what others think and feel, and we’re often wrong. We incessantly compare ourselves to other humans, as if we could actually do such a thing objectively. We all tend to have our insecurities, but work so hard to give the impression that we have it all together.

But, at the same time, we humans can do great and wonderful things. We often give our money, our time and even our lives to help the people we love, and even those we don’t know. We can entertain dreams and ideals and then move mountains to attain them. We have the ability to love selflessly. We often show great courage and determination. We have the capacity to touch others in a meaningful and last way, even when we don’t realize that we have done so.

And we actually are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” The human brain, that 3 lb. mass of pink tissue behind your forehead, contains about 100 billion neurons. There are anywhere from 1,000 to 10,000 synapses in each neuron. Neurons develop at a rate of 250,000 neurons per minute during early pregnancy, and humans continue to develop new neurons throughout life due to mental activity. No computer has ever been created that remotely matches the capacity of one human brain.

I said earlier that the raw chemicals of the human body were worth about $5.00. While that is true, the synthesized components of one human body (e.g. hemoglobin) would actually cost about $56,000,000. That seems a little better doesn’t it?

Fact is, you are an amazing creation. Now, live today like you know that!

 

Comments: Please share your thoughts or questions about what it means to be human.

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Making Yourself Happy

You have more control over your mood than you think.

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Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

                                                                       Abraham Lincoln

 

How happy are you today? How happy are you most days? Do you tend to go through your days with a sense of well-being or joy, or do you tend to move from one problem to another in your mind?Abraham_Lincoln

 

Research, and common sense, suggest that we have more influence over our happiness than we think. We can increase our feelings of happiness if we are deliberate about it. Most of the time, we can improve our mood if we make the effort.

 

Now, I want to be clear that I’m not referring to clinical depression here. The disease of depression is a physical and mental disorder, which requires treatment. You can’t just snap out of depression. Even in depression, however, you can sometimes improve your mood, with effort. You can’t just decide to make it go away.

 

I’m referring to our day-to-day moods when depression is not a factor. In these situations, we can shift our mood if we try.  We don’t have perfect control over our mood, but we do have more control than we think.

 

Have you ever noticed that your mood one day might be pretty positive, and another day be down and out. Did you notice that your life situation might have been exactly the same on both days? It wasn’t your circumstances that determined your mood, it was your thinking, your perspective or your outlook. One day you thought negatively about yourself or your life, and the other day your thoughts were more positive.

 

So let’s imagine that you listened to the quote from Abraham Lincoln above, and made up your mind to be happy today. You determined this morning to make it a good day. How would you do it? What thoughts would you generate? What thoughts would you avoid? What would you want to notice or focus on?

 

Most likely, you already know the answers to these questions. You would want to deliberately notice or focus on the positive aspects of your life. You would try to avoid obsessing about your problems. You would remind yourself of the things you have to be thankful for. You would make efforts to cheer others up, or make them feel better. You would look for humor. You would get engaged in life activities. You would take the time to notice the beauty of nature. You would remind yourself of the positive traits of those around you, rather than their deficits. You would take the time to do something nice for yourself, or give yourself a little treat, without guilt. You would try to smile more.

 

The problem is not that we don’t know what to do. We just forget to do it. We focus our attention on the negative circumstances in our lives and believe strongly that we can’t feel better as long as those circumstances exist. We believe that we have no choice. We exclaim, “How could I possibly be happier in this situation?”

 

You may be right. Some circumstances are so negative that they do dictate your mood. But most are not.  Everyone has negative and positive circumstances in their lives. If you’re waiting for all your negative circumstances to disappear before you can experience happiness, you will be waiting a long time.

 

What would it take for you to improve your happiness level just one or two notches? Why not give it a try. Be deliberate today about improving your mood. Make up your mind to feel better today. See if Lincoln was on to something.

Comments: What techniques have you found to be helpful in improving your mood?

 

 

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The Lies of Suicide

There are many false beliefs for the suicidal person and the grieving loved ones left behind.

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In some way, all of us are affected by suicide. Whether you worry about the possibility that a loved one is consideringcasket it, have had a loved one attempt it or die from it, or whether you have grieved with a friend or neighbor when it happened, suicide leaves its mark.

Every year, one million people attempt suicide in the United States. Over 40,000 Americans die from suicide every year. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in those aged 10 to 24 years. A surprising fact for many, the highest risk of death by suicide is actually older adult men.

Two people in the U.S. will probably die from suicide before you finish reading this article. Worldwide, there is one death by suicide every 40 seconds.

Most people who consider suicide are in the midst of a deep clinical depression. In the moment of the suicide attempt, the person really does lose touch with reality. They may not hallucinate, but they believe things that are untrue. They are momentarily delusional. Here are some of the lies of suicide:

  1. “Everyone would be better off without me.”
  2. “They’ll get over it soon.”
  3. “My life will never get better.”
  4. “There is no help for me.”
  5. “I don’t deserve to live.”
  6. “I’ll show them how badly they’ve hurt me.”
  7. “I have no other options.”
  8. “Nobody cares.”

Unfortunately, many deeply depressed people believe these lies, and they act on them. If they don’t succeed, and when the depression improves, they realize that they were lies, but in the moment they don’t know any better.

Suicide also conveys several lies for the loved ones that are left behind. Their grief is complicated by confusion and many, many questions. They struggle to make sense of the loss. They often blame themselves. Here are some of the lies placed upon the loved ones left behind by a suicide:

  1. “I should have seen it coming.”
  2. “I should have done something.”
  3. “If only I had ……”
  4. “What did I do to cause it?”
  5. “She tried to tell me, but I didn’t listen.”
  6. “He made a decision to leave me.”
  7. “How could she have been so cruel?”
  8. “Others will blame me. I feel so ashamed.”

 

The reality is that none of us can perfectly predict human behavior. Most people try to do the right, loving thing, based on what they know in that moment. They can’t know what is going to happen in the future. If they had known, they would have done anything to intervene.

We know that this horrible thing should not have happened. Our next thought is to ask who is to blame. We look at every interaction, every missed opportunity. But in the moment, we probably did what we thought was best. We didn’t know. We couldn’t know.

If you have a loved one who is depressed, and you have concerns that they may be considering suicide, talk to them. Ask them if they are thinking about it. Tell them how much it would hurt you if they did something to themselves. You won’t suggest the idea, and you might just give them the opportunity to change their mind.

 

 

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The Magic of a Smile

The simple smile may be more important than you think.

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There is a universal form of communication. It is used in every culture, by all human beings. It connects strangers,smile comforts all ages and alters relationships. It’s the simple smile.

To be sure, a smile is simple, but it can convey several messages. A smile may be a gesture of approval, acknowledgment, acceptance or affection. When a stranger sends us a genuine smile, we often feel a connection, even though we will likely never see them again. It is just a kind gesture from one human being to another.

When we are performing some task, while others are watching, a smile from members of the audience can be an act of encouragement or appreciation of our work. I know that I really appreciate smiles when I am presenting a workshop or teaching a class. Those smiles let me know that I am on track and connecting.

A smile from a friend or loved one serves to increase the bond of the relationship or express affection. Like physical touch, smiles strengthen our feelings of connection and love. As humans, we are born with the need to be connected with others. We aren’t really healthy without it.

A smile in the first stages of a romance can be the trigger for the relationship to move forward. It lets the other person know that you are interested in them or attracted to them.

Believe it or not, smiles have been the subject of research. We know that there are several types of smiles and that they convey different messages.

The most positive type of smile is the Duchenne smile. The corners of the mouth are raised and the cheeks rise, making little crow’s feet around the eyes. This is considered by many to be the most genuine smile, as it is fairly difficult to fake. This is also called the full-blown smile or the full-face smile. Some research has suggested that people who display this smile tend to live longer.

Sometimes a smile can even be negative. A forced or “stiff” smile can suggest disdain or disapproval. You could call it a sarcastic smile. Such a smile can suggest that the person disapproves, but is trying to hide it.

The tight-lipped smile, where teeth are not shown, often suggests that the person is keeping some secret, and not telling you everything. It is sometimes seen in politicians, when asked for information they don’t want to share. It can also be used by a female showing disinterest in a flirting male.

Of course, there are exceptions to all these interpretations, and we all have an intuitive sense of facial expressions. But we all know that giving and receiving a smile is usually a good thing. It makes us feel good. That said, smile at someone today. You may send just the message they needed.

 

Comments: Share a time when a smile has meant a lot to you, and how it helped you.

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The Power of Story

The stories you hear and those you tell yourself can change you more than you think.

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There is a story of two researchers who tried to create a computer that would think like a human brain. They workedstory_telling for years on this project. The human brain is amazingly powerful and complex, so they ended up with several rooms full of computer components as they attempted to match the capacity of one human brain.

The day came for them to test out their project. They typed in a question. The computer hummed for a moment, and they knew they had gotten it right when the computer responded, “You know, that reminds me of a story.”

Humans think in stories. We always have. Through the ages, people have used storytelling to convey culture, history, morals and aspirations.  In today’s world, stories are shared by movies, television programs, you tube videos, and sometimes face-to-face conversations. Even commercials utilize the power of storytelling to sell their wares.

We also tell stories in our heads. We formulate a story of our life; who we are, what we are supposed to do, how the world will treat us and what our future holds. We experience someone else’s behaviors and tell ourselves a story about why they did what they did and what they were feeling at the time. We tend to believe the stories in our heads without question.

We also respond to stories. We are moved by stories. Stories can sometimes change our minds and our hearts. Stories can serve to drive us to greatness or destruction.

People have long said that humans are hardwired for stories, but we are just now seeing clear scientific evidence for why this is true. Dr. Paul Zak, a neuroscientist, has made great strides in illuminating the brain chemistry stimulated by hearing stories. A decade ago, his lab discovered that a brain chemical called Oxytocin is produced when we are trusted or shown kindness, and that this same chemical then motivates us to be more cooperative with others. Recently, they  found that listening to motivational, inspirational or character driven stories stimulates the brain’s release of Oxytocin, and that those with higher Oxytocin production were more likely to donate, or give time, to others. Finally, they were able to locate the areas of the brain that were most changed by stories.

So, choose your stories carefully. Choose the stories you listen to or watch via television or movies. They may change you more than you imagine. Also, choose the stories in your head carefully. The stories you tell yourself about your life, your relationships and your future may change you even more.

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Choosing To Not Get Upset

By thinking through your options, you can sometimes choose a better response.

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“That made me angry.” “Of course, I got mad.” “I just reacted to the situation.” We often assume that our emotionalangry_man responses are dictated by the situation. We believe that we have no choice, but to get upset, when we experience an upsetting event. Any other response seems unnatural, or even impossible. But it is?

We can, at least sometimes, choose to not get upset by a situation that would have usually upset us. To do so, we must think through the situation, recognize that we have a choice, consider the consequences of our response, and then be deliberate about our reaction.

Several years ago, I had an interesting experience that illustrates the ability to choose. I was flying from Charlotte to Bangkok, Thailand to participate in a counseling clinic for American missionaries serving in China. My flight went from Charlotte to Minneapolis, to Tokyo, and finally to Bangkok. After a layover in Minneapolis, I had boarded the plane for the thirteen hour trip to Tokyo. The plane filled and the attendant closed the cabin door. Seated in my “coach” seat, I got out a book to pass the time.

With the plane still at the gate, the pilot came over the intercom, saying, “I’m sorry ladies and gentlemen, but we have a little problem with the plane. One of the computers isn’t working and we have called in technicians, so we should be under way in about twenty minutes.” I didn’t think this would be a problem because I had a four-hour layover in Tokyo.

About twenty minutes later, the pilot announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry but the problem is a bit more extensive than we thought. We have found that the part we need to fix this computer is not in-stock here at the airport, and we have had to send the technician into the city to purchase the part. We will get under way as soon as he returns and gets the computer fixed, and this is a computer you want to be working when we fly across the Pacific. Unfortunately, because this is an international flight, we can’t allow you to de-board the plane, because of customs laws. Once the cabin door is closed, you are officially no longer in the US. We’ll turn on the air conditioning to make you as comfortable as possible.”

Four hours later, we were still sitting there, and people were not happy. Most were standing in the aisles complaining. I was still sitting in my seat, reading my book. I had noticed that three ladies were standing in the aisle beside me, fussing about the situation. I then noticed that one of the women was speaking to me. She challenged, “And you, why are you not upset? You’re just sitting there reading like this isn’t bothering you!” I responded, “I didn’t know that it would help to get upset.” She wasn’t please with my response and stomped toward the front of the plane.

This woman didn’t know that I had considered the situation fully. I reasoned that, if the pilot says we need that computer to fly across the Pacific, I’ll believe him. My getting upset won’t get the computer fixed any faster. My only choice was to get upset while waiting, or to read my book.

As it turned out, we got under way soon after that, I made my Tokyo to Bangkok flight, and after a complaint letter, I received some free airline miles for my trouble. Oh, and I was also somewhat pleased with my response to the angry woman.

Consider the possibility that you can choose to not get upset. Ask yourself if getting upset will help the situation, or if will just make you miserable. You won’t be able to control your reaction in every situation, but might be able to do so sometimes.

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“I know why you did that.”

Our assumptions about other's behaviors are often wrong.

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We do it all the time. We all do. We observe someone’s behavior and immediately assume we know why they did Young Woman Biting Her Finger Nailwhat they did. We do it so often, that we don’t even notice it.

Someone doesn’t return a phone call or a text. A co-worker leaves a meeting early. An acquaintance walks by us without speaking. A friend doesn’t voice agreement when we state an opinion. A spouse avoids talking about a recent disagreement. A loved one hasn’t called in a while.

The list could go on. We observe an endless number of behaviors from other people every day, and we assume what those behaviors mean about the person’s feelings, opinions, intentions or attitudes. Our assumptions are often wrong, but we feel quite certain that we are right.

We misread other’s behaviors because we tend to believe that other people think the same way we do. We look at their behaviors and ask ourselves what it would mean if we did the same behavior in the same situation. “If I did that in this situation, it would mean that I was feeling…” We then assume that the other person must be feeling the same way.

We also assume that we know all the information we need to know to interpret the person’s behaviors. This assumption is often wrong. The late Dr. Steven Covey shared a particularly moving example in his book, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”

Dr. Covey was riding on a subway car in New York City. It was a pleasant Sunday morning ride, with most passengers quietly reading their newspapers. A man and his three children get on the train. As the car was fairly full, they had to sit in different places. The man just sat looking down at the floor. The kids, however, were hyper and argumentative. Their behaviors worsened as the train progressed. Other passengers were watching these unruly kids and waiting on the father to correct them, but he just sat there staring at the floor. As the misbehavior worsened, Covey spoke to the man and asked him if he couldn’t say something to his kids, as they were being a disruption to the other passengers. The man looked up, as if in a daze. He responded that he guessed he should say something to them. He went on to say that they just came from the hospital and that their mother just died. He said that he didn’t know how to deal with it and guessed they didn’t either.

With the new information, Dr. Covey’s attitude toward the man and the children suddenly changed. He had assumed that this was an uncaring father, and that these were obnoxious children. He now saw the father and the children as hurting and confused. He asked the father if he could help him with the children until he came to his stop. He now felt compassion rather than irritation.

Before assuming that you know why someone is exhibiting a behavior, remind yourself that you may not have all the information. It will also help if you can remember that the other person may perceive or think differently from yourself.

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Does Your Self-Esteem Suffer From Cherry Picking?

Selective Attention can maintain or worsen our self-esteem wounds.

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Wikipedia (the on-line encyclopedia) defines cherry picking as “the fallacy of incomplete evidence” or the act of self-esteem cherry pickingpointing to individual cases or data that seem to confirm a particular position, while ignoring a significant portion of related cases or data that may contradict that position.” So, we do cherry picking when we pay attention to those instances that confirm our prior belief, while discounting or completely ignoring the instances that would refute our prior belief.

Cherry picking is a major factor in the maintenance and worsening of self-esteem wounds. It allows the person to maintain a negative belief about herself, despite a significant amount of evidence to the contrary. In cognitive psychology, this is called selective attention.

For example, a child who experiences harsh criticism learns to see himself as inadequate or a failure. As an adult, he “cherry picks” by focusing his attention on his failures, while ignoring or dismissing his successes. Any compliment he receives is discarded as a kind gesture. A 100 on a test is discounted in his mind by statements such as, “I got lucky” or “It was an easy test.” On the other hand, his failure experiences are analyzed, reviewed, and long remembered as indisputable evidence of his inadequacy.

Another example of cherry picking is occurs when the person with low self-esteem compares herself with other people. She selectively pays attention to a positive trait of one acquaintance, wishing she could be more like her. She then pays attention to a different positive trait in another person, wishing she could be like him in that way.  She ignores the negative traits of each person, leaving her with a strengthened belief that she is inadequate, compared to most people.

A wife and mother may envy another woman who keeps a spotless house, while ignoring the fact that the woman seems very irritable toward her children. She then envies another mother, who seems to have more patience with her children, while ignoring the fact that her house is cluttered. She is, thus, left with the impression that she is a failure as a housekeeper and a mother.

Sometimes when I hear someone cherry picking, I ask them to identify any person that they know well, with whom they would completely change places. I ask if they would they exchange all their own traits and characteristics with all the other person’s traits and characteristics. In others words, they would have to exchange all the good and bad traits of the other person. I’ve never had anyone to say that they would.

Next time you notice that you are comparing yourself with others, consider the possibility that you are cherry picking. Also, notice where you focus your attention. Make a deliberate effort to notice your positive traits, characteristics and circumstances, as much as you do your negatives. See how that makes you feel.