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You’re Not Alone

Self-Esteem Wounds Can Make Us Feel Like Our Problems Are Unique.

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Do you sometimes feel that everyone else has it all together except you? Do you feel that others don’t worry as muchperson_in_crowd as you, or that others don’t suffer from the insecurities that haunt you? Does it seem that they feel more confident, comfortable or content than you?

Perhaps you feel that your life circumstances are more difficult than others. It just seems that others are less plagued by the hardships you endure. Of course, you know better. It doesn’t take much effort to remember someone whose problems outweigh your own. When you think of their pain, you feel guilty for bemoaning your own lesser problems. Even when we know better, we often feel that our problems are unique, and that others are somehow free of similar afflictions. We feel alone.

This perception is fostered by the fact that most people try to act like they actually do “have it all together.” We try to act cool, calm and collected. We want to appear okay. After all, the common response to the question, “How are you?” is “Fine.”

The perception is also fostered by the Facebook phenomenon. So many people read other’s Facebook posts about their wonderful vacations, children and spouses and wonder, “What am I doing wrong?”

It’s really unfortunate that most people try so hard to appear as if they have it all together. It makes us feel like we are unique in our insecurities. So of course, we then have to try harder to act like we have it altogether. Seems a bit circular, doesn’t it?

The fact is that the human condition is shared by all humans. If they look like you on the outside (you know, two eyes, a nose and a mouth) they are probably a lot like you on the inside. If anyone tells you that they never experience insecurities, it just means that they’re too insecure to be honest.

You might benefit from a shift in attention. Rather than focusing your attention on how others see you, focus on really looking at others. Really listen to them. Try to understand others on a deeper level. Try to listen with empathy or compassion. I have found that it is impossible to be self-conscious and other-conscious at the same time. Even when you can’t see it, assume that they too have their story. Listen for it. See if you can help. You’ll feel better for it.

Comment: Share an experience that helped you realize that your feelings or difficulties were not unique to you.

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A Simple Thank You

Express Your Appreciation and Enrich Your Life

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Thank you. Two simple words, often spoken in passing. As toddlers, we were taught to say please and thank you, as athank_you_on_beach common form of courtesy. But, these two words may contain more power than we realize.

These words are spoken in many different situations, when the waitress brings us a drink refill, when a stranger holds a door for us, when we receive a gift, and when a loved one stays with us during life’s hardest moments. Sometimes the words are spoken without much thought. Sometimes they seem woefully inadequate to fully express the depth of our appreciation.

When spoken from the heart, these words create a sense of vulnerability. We let go of our position or status. We are one human connecting to another. We acknowledge our need and the fact that the other person met that need. Sincerely expressing thanks entails humility.

Try this little exercise. Write down names of people you are thankful for; those who have added something to your life or who have done something for you. This list can include family members, friends, teachers, co-workers and others for whom you are grateful. When you have exhausted this list, add the names of people you may not particularly like, but who have also done something positive for you at some time. You might not normally include these people in a gratitude list, but they did do something for you. Finally, add the names of people whom you have never met, but who have contributed to your life in some way. These people could include soldiers who have protected our freedoms, architects of democracy or inventors of things that make your life easier. When you’re done, the list should be quite long.

This exercise has an interesting impact. You will realize that your life has benefited by many, many people. You recognize that you are a product of many, and that you are a part of a much greater whole. You will experience a profound sense of connection. You are who you are, in part, because of many others.

The exercise is impactful, but it still doesn’t address spiritual gratitude. In addition to the people to whom I am grateful, my personal beliefs bring me to a much deeper appreciation for the many blessings I have enjoyed from my Heavenly Father. Those are far too many to count.

So today, look for opportunities to express thanks. Say it easily. Remind yourself that you are not alone. You are part of a much larger whole. You are who you are because of many. Simply say thank you. It’ll do you good.

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Are You A Fortune Teller?

Your Assumptions About The Future Can Hurt You

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This is third and final article in my series on choosing our assumptions wisely. In the first article, we considered thecrystal_ball impact of negative assumptions concerning our abilities or potentials. Many people give up on their dreams because they assume they lack the ability to succeed.

In the second article, we looked at the impact of negative assumptions on relationships. We often assume that we know how others are feeling or what they are thinking, even though we can’t read their minds. When we act on our negative assumptions, we damage the relationship.

Today, we’re considering the impact of our assumptions about the future. We do make assumptions about the future, imagining or predicting certain outcomes, and then living as if our assumptions were true.

Assumptions about the future can take many forms. One common form involves assumptions about physical health. For example, we go to the doctor and get a biopsy. The doctor may even say that she doesn’t think the biopsy will indicate cancer, but just wants to make sure. We then imagine the worst. We imagine cancer, chemo and a funeral. We “pre-live” the worst possible scenario. We spend days-to-weeks living as if we’re dying. It’s painful.

The truth about the biopsy is that we don’t know. We don’t know whether the test will come back as positive or negative. We just assume. The test may indicate cancer. If so, we will have to deal with that. It may indicate a benign cyst. If so, we will be relieved and move on.

Why do we tend to assume the worst? I’ve often heard people say that they think assuming the worst will make them more prepared, if the worst should happen. I don’t think so. If the worst outcomes occurs, we still react with anxiety, fear, confusion or possibly hope. Pre-living a bad outcome doesn’t make us more prepared. It just upsets us while we are waiting.

Choosing the hopeful assumption can be difficult. Most of us have to work very hard to not worry or assume the worst. But, by monitoring our thinking, and reminding ourselves that we actually don’t know, we can decrease our anxiety a bit. Reminding ourselves that we actually don’t know the future can help us experience more peace in the present. And, it is the truth.

 

Comments: How do your assumptions about the future impact your mood, decisions and sense of well-being? How do you maintain an awareness that you actually don’t know the future?

 

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The Power of Relationship Assumptions

Could you be damaging your relationships by holding onto false assumptions?

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This article is the second in my series on choosing our assumptions wisely. Last week we looked at the impact of our couple_talking_nicelyassumptions on our life choices. If we assume we can accomplish a goal, we will pursue it. If we assume that we don’t have the ability to be successful, we won’t attempt the goal, and thus, will stay where we are. We will give up on the dream.

Today, we’ll look at our assumptions regarding relationships. We all make relationship assumptions. We assume what another person is feeling or thinking. We assume how that person is going to respond to us. We create a story in our heads about how others see us, how they judge us or whether they like or care about us. We make these assumptions all the time, but we don’t realize that they are assumptions. We treat them as absolute truth. Be believe them without hesitation. We’re often wrong.

Many potentially enriching, supportive relationships have ended because one or both individuals made inaccurate assumptions about the other person and then acted on those assumptions. The assumptions created unnecessary conflicts or distance. The assumptions were false, but the resulting hurt was real.

Consider the following example. Jack and Susan have been married eleven years. In the beginning they were both very happy with the relationship. They loved the other and felt loved in return.

Through the years, they experienced the common stressors of life; financial strains, death of a parent, children with behavior problems. They became consumed with work and child rearing. They had little time for each other. The conflicts began.

Susan began to feel that Jack didn’t care about her. She noticed the hours he worked and his tendency to get lost in TV. Her hurt of rejection turned into anger. She voiced her complaints, trying to get him more involved, but it didn’t work. Jack just became more distant. He avoided talking to her. He shut down even more. Susan assumed that Jack had stopped loving her.

Jack began to feel that Susan blamed him for all their problems. He hated the arguments because each one left him feeling more defective, confused and inadequate. He assumed that Susan saw him as an inadequate husband and father.

The reality was that Susan didn’t see Jack as inadequate, she just missed him. She wanted him to love her and to want to spend time with her. Of course, Jack didn’t see this.

And Jack hadn’t fallen out of love with Susan. In fact, her opinion of him was very important to him. He wanted her to see him as a good man. He didn’t distance because he didn’t care. He distanced because he couldn’t handle the thought that his wife considered him a failure. Of course, Susan didn’t see this.

Before Jack and Susan could see the truth, they had to entertain the possibility that their assumptions about the other one were inaccurate. They had to consider the possibility that they were wrong. Once they did, they were able to talk more calmly. They actually asked the other one what they were feeling and they listened. Jack talked about his desire for Susan to see him as a good man. Susan expressed, in a non-accusing way, that she just wanted more of Jack because she loved him so much. They began the process of healing.

Consider your relationships. Ask yourself if you might be making assumptions about the other person that are false. What if you are? What if you are hurting a relationship because of an untrue assumption? Why don’t you calmly check it out? Ask them about the assumption and really listen to what they say. What do you have to lose?

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Choose Your Assumptions Wisely

Negative Assumptions Can Have a Massive Impact on Your Life.

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“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.”

                                                              Henry Ford

 

 

What if you could change your life with one simple choice? What if you could improve your mood, your self-esteemchoices and your relationships by one decision? It’s not quite that simple, but choosing the correct assumption can make quite a difference. In fact, the topic of choosing assumptions is so important that I’ll cover it as a three-session series.

We all make assumptions every day. We usually make them without conscious thought. Yet, our assumptions impact so many areas of our lives. We make assumptions about other’s thoughts, intentions or feelings, about our own capabilities and about the future.

We make an assumption any time we believe something to be true, but have no actual proof that it is true. We think we know, even though we don’t know. We usually believe the assumption without question, and right or wrong, that belief guides our thinking, our actions and our emotions.

For example, imagine that you’re considering going back to school for a nursing degree. You have often imagined yourself in uniform, working in a hospital. You have a fascination with medicine and like to help others. A career in nursing is your dream.

As you consider returning to school, you have two possible assumptions. In option A, you assume that you have the ability to pass the nursing courses, graduate with the degree and pass the state nursing exam. In option B, you assume that you do not have the ability and that you will fail. Only one of the assumptions is true.

If you assume that (A) is true, you will submit your application, sign up for the courses and move forward. If you assume (B) to be true, you will continue in your current situation, without ever making an attempt. You will never know whether or not you could have been a nurse. You will never have your dream.

As you can see, the assumption you choose makes a huge difference. And it is a choice, because you cannot know whether or not you can successfully complete nursing school unless you try. Choosing the negative assumption (B) closes off all possibilities. The choice dictates the outcome.

As stated above, we often make assumptions without conscious thought. We don’t recognize that we are making a choice, or that a different assumption is even possible.

Try to become more aware of your assumptions. Unless you have absolute proof, your belief is an assumption, not fact. Consider the possibility that your assumption might be wrong, and that an opposing assumption might be the truth. How might your life be different if you had made different assumptions? How might your future be different if you question your current assumptions?

Next week, we’ll look at the impact of your assumptions on your relationships.

 

Comments: How have your assumptions impacted your decision-making and the path of your life? How do you plan to be more conscious of your assumptions in the future?

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Your Self-Esteem Wound as a Computer Virus

Recognizing the Virus of the Mind and Getting Rid of It

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computer_virusThink of your mind as a computer. When you were born, you came with the software necessary to live and grow. Unfortunately, you were also born with a vulnerability to misinformation and viruses.

The Impact of Misinformation:

As you grew, you were exposed to misinformation. This information was usually entered into your system by people who were given the same misinformation earlier in their lives. They didn’t realize the information was false, so they passed it along to you. You had no way of knowing that the information was false, so you recorded it into your hard drive and it became a part of your operating system.

A Virus of the Mind:

Sometimes the false information only did minor damage, but sometimes it contained a virus. A computer virus is much more harmful than simple misinformation. A virus gets into the core of the computer. It often damages the operating system. The computer can’t function normally. Simple tasks become very difficult. The virus sometimes shuts the computer down completely.

The Damage of the Virus:

The virus then gets into various programs and alters their function and performance. Because of the virus, the computer will often relay inaccurate information. The virus can impact everything. The virus is destructive, sometimes devastating.

Getting rid of a computer virus isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work. Sometimes it requires help from a professional. But the work is worth it.

The Computer is Innocent:

Finally, you wouldn’t blame your computer if it acquired a virus. The virus and the person who sent it would be at fault, not your computer. The computer couldn’t help it. It simply processed the information it was given. So did you.

Dealing With Your Virus:

Your virus may have been the message that you were unimportant or unlovable. It could have caused by harsh criticism or judgment, making you believe that you were inadequate or incompetent. It could have been the virus of abuse. This is often the most devastating virus of all. It creates shame, and makes the victim feel deeply defective.

The first step in ridding your computer of a virus is recognizing that it has that virus. You then have to take deliberate, purposeful steps to get rid of it. You have to recognize that the computer wasn’t at fault. The virus and the sender were at fault.

Try to remember that your negative self-esteem wounds were not present at birth. They were implanted during child and later. They don’t belong there. Begin the work of ridding yourself of those wounds. You’ll be glad you did.

 

Comments: Can you share any other metaphors of negative self-beliefs, or ways to rid one’s self of them?

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Consider the Source of Your Self-Esteem Wounds

Recognizing the True Nature of Those Who Hurt You

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Most people with self-esteem difficulties can trace their wounds back to a family member or caretaker who was yelling_parentharshly critical, rejecting, abandoning or abusive. Those people’s behaviors toward the child conveyed messages that he or she was defective, bad or not good enough.  Later, those self-esteem wounds were deepened by a few relationships where the individual received similar negative treatment.

Often, the individual can identify others in their lives who treated them with love and respect, but the negative messages seems to dominate. I’m not sure why this occurs, but the child’s self-esteem seems to be impacted more by the negative caretakers than by the positive ones. Oh, they love the positive people and enjoy spending time with them, but their self-beliefs tend to be molded by the negative people.

A few years ago, I created an exercise where I ask clients to compose a list of people who have conveyed positive messages about them, and a list of people who have been negative about them. The lists can include people from their past and present. They can also include family members, friends, co-workers and teachers. When finished, they have two lists of names; those who made them feel valuable and competent and those who made them feel inadequate or unimportant.

Try doing this now. Write down (or at least mentally identify) your personal list of positive and negative people. You may have some people who could fit on both lists, but try to put most on one side or the other. Now consider the following questions.

  1. Which group would you say that you like the most, the positive or the negative? You may love people on both lists, but which do you like most?

Almost everyone says that they like the positive people most. The choice isn’t difficult.

  1. Which group would you say that you trust the most, positive or negative?

For example, if you needed an opinion about someone you had never met, which group’s opinions about the person would you trust most? Most choose the positive group.

  1. Which of the two groups are the most mentally healthy or stable?

In your estimation, which group demonstrates characteristics of mentally healthy people? Most say the positive.

  1. Do people in the negative group treat others negatively as well, or are they just negative toward you?

Have you seen them treat others as they treated you? Do you recall thinking that their treatment of someone wasn’t fair or warranted? Most say the negative people treated others negatively as well.

  1. Which group’s opinions of you do you seem to think about the most?

Which group has had a more powerful impact on your perceptions of yourself? Which group most deeply influenced the way you defined yourself? Unfortunately, most people say the negative group. The wounds of the negative group seem to dominate.

 

So, the end conclusion is that most people allow their self-esteem to be defined by people they don’t like, don’t trust, consider to be mentally ill and who treat others badly as well. Read that sentence again. Does it surprise you?

This exercise is designed to help people “consider the source” of their negative self-esteem beliefs. Hopefully, it will help you put the negative messages they conveyed in a more proper perspective.

 

Comments: How did this exercise impact your perspective on the negative people in your life?

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Helping Yourself by Helping Others

The Benefits of Serving Others

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I have said many times that the best therapy I could ever get is to provide therapy for others. My occasional feelingshelping_hands of discouragement or self-pity soon disappear when I turn my focus toward helping someone else.  My personal concerns fade into the background as I work to serve them.

This, of course, isn’t a new idea. We’ve long known that serving others is good medicine. We feel better when we put someone else above ourselves. We are created for community, and personally benefit from acts to take care of those around us.

We know this truth, but often forget it when we most need it. When we’re down, we become focused on ourselves. We dwell on our difficulties. We review our mistakes or failures, and anticipate future catastrophes.

Because of this internal focus, we imagine that other people are free of such problems. We assume that others are happier and more satisfied. We believe them to be more self-confident and comfortable with themselves. On some level, we know better. We just forget.

I even apply this principle of “serving others” when doing public speaking. Since publishing the “Parables” book, I have done a lot of speaking engagements. I truly enjoy doing workshops or presentations, but I do have a secret.

Before I begin speaking, I deliberately shift my focus to the audience. I ask myself why they are there. What are they looking for in this workshop? What might be going on in their lives? How can my material serve them? How can I help them? By focusing on them, I lose myself. I become more comfortable. This principle holds true when speaking to a group or to one person.

It is impossible to be self-conscious and other-conscious at the same time. When you are fully conscious of another person, you lose consciousness of yourself. When you are truly thinking about them, you stop worrying about what they are thinking about you.

Research shows that volunteering improves the health, happiness, and in some cases, the longevity of the volunteers. Studies also show that people who volunteer tend to have higher self-esteem, happiness and psychological well-being.

So give it a try. Reach out to someone. Think of someone you know who could use a visit, a phone call or a card. Identify an organization that could use your help. Call them and ask if they accept volunteers. Focus your attention on serving someone else. I’ll bet you’ll find that helping them helps you.

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Can One’s Self-Esteem Be Too Good?

Why do some people act arrogant?

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Is it possible for a person’s self-esteem to be too good? What if a person is arrogant or conceited? What if someone arrogant_manthinks too much of themselves? I hear these questions a lot.

I don’t think it is possible for a person’s self-esteem to be too good. To understand this, we need to examine what it means to have a good self-esteem. Let’s look at the relationship of self-esteem to arrogance or conceit.

Consider the following graph:

 

Bad Self-Esteem                                       Average Self-Esteem                              Great Self-Esteem

|__________________________|__________________________|

I’m worse than others.                           I’m equal to others.                              I’m better than others.

I’m not good enough.                            I’m as good as others.                                      I’m the best.

 

If you accept this graph, it would be possible for someone to have an inflated, arrogant or conceited self-esteem. I believe this graph to be inaccurate, and would substitute the following graph.

 

 

Bad Self-Esteem                                                                                    Healthy Self-Esteem

|____________________________________________|

I’m worse than others.                                                                         I’m equal to others.

I’m not good enough.                                                                           I’m as good as others.

I’m better than others.

I’m the best.

 

According to this graph, a truly healthy self-esteem means that the person perceives herself as equal to others, not better or worse. A bad self-esteem is characterized by the attitude of inferiority or superiority.

 

So where does arrogant behavior come from? I believe it stems directly from a low self-esteem. When someone has a low self-esteem, he can react by acting inferior, or he can hide the self-esteem wounds by acting superior or arrogant.

 

His outward behaviors may appear conceited. He may even tell himself that he is superior. But his behavior and thoughts are simply efforts to deny inner self-esteem wounds. His arrogant behaviors are attempts to draw attention to himself and present a positive impression on others. He often puts others down to elevate his own position.

 

Think about it. If one truly has a healthy self-esteem, he has no need to act arrogant. He feels comfortable with himself and doesn’t need to build himself up. He doesn’t need to brag or elevate his position, because he realizes he, like all other people, has intrinsic worth. He doesn’t compare himself with others, because he knows that he, like others, has strengths and weaknesses, that he will perform better than others in some areas, and worse than others in other areas.

 

From the Christian view, a healthy self-esteem means that the person recognizes the reality of self. She knows that she is a sinner like everyone else, and that she can do nothing in her own strength. However, she also knows that she is precious and loved by her Creator. She rests in the knowledge that she is unconditionally loved and not alone. This perspective leaves no room for arrogance or conceit.

 

The individual with good self-esteem tries to treat others with respect, recognizing that she is equal to others, and that they are equal to her. Given this perspective, wouldn’t it be a better world if everyone had a good self-esteem.

 

 

Question: Do you agree or disagree with the position that arrogant behavior is actually a cover up for low self-esteem? Please share your thoughts.

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Are You Making Jed Clampett’s Mistake?

Are Self-Esteem Wounds Causing You To Miss Out on Gifts You Already Own?

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When I was a kid, I liked to watch the Beverly Hillbillies. For those of you who are way too young, this was a Jed_Clampettsituation comedy about a poor mountaineer family who struck oil on their property, became rich, and moved into a Beverly Hills mansion. Each episode portrayed their confusion, ignorance, and occasional wisdom, as they encountered some aspect of Beverly Hills life.

Jed Clampett was the patriarch of the family. He discovered the oil when he shot into the ground, and “up came a bubbling crude.” Prior to the discovery, he and his family had lived in a little shack, with just enough food to survive.

The irony was that Jed Clampett had always been rich. He had always owned the oil. He just didn’t know it. The riches were just under the surface, waiting to be discovered.

Through the years, I have seen many people who are rich, but don’t know it. They suffer because they can’t see the gifts they already own. They mistakenly perceive themselves to be poor, so they life like they are poor.

These people aren’t living on an oil field. Their riches aren’t material or financial. Their gifts are actually much more valuable. Recognition of their gifts would certainly change their lives, even more than the Clampett’s.

Their unrecognized gifts may be personal abilities, character strengths or relationships. They fail to see these riches because of earlier self-esteem wounds. At some time in their childhood, they were led to believe that they were inadequate, defective or unimportant. Because they were just children, they believed these messages and failed to see the truth.

There was the very intelligent high school senior who never considered college because his father called him an idiot and told him that he would never amount to anything, or the talented musician and singer who never shared her music because a critical piano teacher told her that she lacked talent.

Then there was the sensitive, compassionate woman, who saw her caring nature and empathy as a weakness, because some mean girls in school made fun of her for being too emotional, or the boy who was ostracized because he his values prevented him from joining in on bullying a classmate.

There was the depressed, suicidal man who believed his family and the world would be better off without him, despite the fact that he had a loving family and many caring friends, who worried about him. Fortunately, his suicide attempt was unsuccessful, and he was able to discover the truth.

Finally, there was the woman who had been repeatedly abused and rejected in childhood and adulthood. She believed the abuse to be her fault, assuming that she had some defect that made her unlovable. She told me that she prayed every day that God would love her. I pointed out that this prayer was part of her problem. I told her that she was praying the wrong thing, because God already loved her. I suggested that she pray that God would help her see how much He loved her. She started praying this way, and initiated her healing.

Are you missing out on gifts you already possess? Are you living a life of emotional poverty, when your gifts are just below the surface? You can discover these riches, and your life can change. Just ask Jed Clampett.

 

Question: What talents, characteristics or love have you missed, because of your self-esteem wounds? How would your life change if you opened those gifts?