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A Return to Honor

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ImageAs I write this, our country is celebrating Memorial Weekend. During this time, we remember those who have served, suffered and died in our military. We honor our veterans, living and dead, and such honor is well deserved. We don’t do it often enough.

 

The focus of this weekend has led me to consider the concept of honor. What does it mean, exactly? Is it a practice lost in today’s culture? Does it still have value on a personal and a societal level?

 

While there are several definitions for the word “honor,” I want to discuss the verb, as in “We will honor those who came before us.” For example, this Memorial Weekend we remember, acknowledge and “honor” our veterans. Webster includes the definition: ”a showing of usually merited respect. “

 

Honoring those whose actions or positions have merited such respect is appropriate, but what about everyday expressions of honor? How might our lives change if we honored those who live under our own roof? Do you honor your spouse or your children? Do you honor your friends, co-workers or the many people you meet as you go through your day?

 

We often think that honoring someone suggests that we consider them to be above us, but is that really true? We can perceive the other person as equal to us, and still honor them. We can show them “merited respect” through our actions, our words, and our tone of voice.

 

What do you think would happen to your personal relationships if you behaved in a manner that honored those you encounter each day? Do you think honoring your spouse might contribute to a more positive relationship?  Do you think your children might be healthier and happier if your tone and words honored them? You can honor someone and still maintain proper boundaries and expectations.

 

What about yourself? Do you honor yourself? Do you treat yourself with the respect you give to others? Does your self-talk convey a tone of honor toward self? Do your choices and behaviors demonstrate a sense of honor toward self? Self-esteem wounds often prohibit any expressions of self-honor. Likewise, treating yourself with honor helps to heal self-esteem wounds.

 

Try to maintain an awareness of honor as you go through your day. Let your words, tone of voice and behaviors reflect honor toward those around you and toward yourself. Watch what happens.

 

 

Question: Can you share experiences where you did show honor toward another and saw a positive outcome? Can you share an experience where your attitude or behavior changed because someone honored you?

 

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Do You Want a Wonderful Life?

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ImageMy all-time favorate movie is “It’s a Wonderful Life” with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. I totally agree that it is sentimental (read sappy) and idealistic, but I love it anyway. It remnds me of positive memories of past Christmas holidays and conveys some important truths.

As the movie opens, we see scenes from George Bailey’s early life, where he dreams of a life of success and travels around the world, building big buildings and bridges. He gets married and has children, but several life events destroy his dreams of success.

Already bitter and depressed, a financial mistake pushes George Bailey over the edge and he goes out to attempt suicide. At this point, an angel named Clarence, shows George the many ways he has positively touched others during his life. George finally realizes that he has had a rich and wonderful life.

The movie illustrates several truths:

1. Our lives often take a different course than the one we planned or dreamed, and sometimes this is a good thing.

2. Our most important actions in life may be the ones that received the least attention.

3. A life is better measured by the number of other lives positively touched, than by the projects completed or the money earned.

4. Life itself is a wonderful gift, and should not be ended prematurely. Suicide is always a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The pain is just passed on to those left behind

This week, look for opportnities to positvely touch those around you. It truly is a wonderful life.

Question: Have you gleaned some particular wisdom from a movie? If so, please share it here.

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Everyone Has A Story

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Waitress“To be a person is to have a story to tell.”   Isak Dineson

We see so many people each day. Some we know. Most we don’t. Most of the time, we don’t even really see their faces. They may help us check out at the grocery store, pass us on the sidewalk or even work down the hall. It’s easy for such people to become part of our background noice as we go through our day.

Then there are those people we think we know. They may work with us, attend our church or live down the street. Of course, we do know more about their lives. We know some parts of their lives, but we often assume we know everything of importance. We tend to assume that we know their story, but do we really?

Last night, my wife and I were eating at a restaurant in a nearby town. The server was a very pleasant young woman with an easy smile. After taking our order, she commented that she had already had an eventful day. She went on to say that she had a phone conversation with her long-lost brother and that they had not spoken for eighteen years. She added that he had some disabilities due to fetal alcohol syndrome.

While that was all the personal information she shared, it was enough to remind me that she did, in fact, have a story. Was she adopted? Was her brother removed from the home because of her mother’s drinking? Did she grow up in a foster home? Did she have to deal with the problem of an alcoholic parent during her childhood? Of course, I have no idea, but I do know that there is more to the story than she shared.

Did she look sad, rejected or abused? Not at all. She was grinning that her brother had made the effort to find her and that she now had contact with him. She said she planned to meet him for lunch soon. She was excited and happy.

When we live our lives with the awareness that everyone has a story, we tend to feel more connected. We belong because we too have our story. We are reminded that we are not different.

Maintaining the awareness that everyone has a story also helps us cultivate an attitude of compassion. We tend to be more kind, more understanding. Assuming that others have their story helps you look deeper at those around you. Looking deeper helps you notice more clues that those people have their own story. Seems to be a circular process, doesn’t it?

Question: Can you share some events that reminded you that everyone has a story? Did it effect your perception of the person?  Did you find yourself liking the person more when you learned more about their story?

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Are You a Mind Reader?

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Do you believe that Imageyou are a mind reader? Do you assume what others are thinking or feeling? Do you react to your assumptions as if they are fact? Do you believe with all your being that you are right in those assumptions? Are your moods determined by your mind reading?

If you are honest with yourself, you will have to answer yes to all the above questions. It is a rare human being that has attained that degree of wisdom, self-discipline or enlightenment required to never assume another’s thoughts or feelings. When you assume other’s thoughts, intentions or feelings without having all the facts, you are mind reading.

So, let’s start with the admission that we all do mind reading. We observe another’s facial expression and assume that he or she is angry or displeased with us. We see someone hesitate when we voice an invitation and assume that they don’t really want to spend time with us. We notice a tone of voice or inflection and believe the person is irritated, disapproving or displeased. We observe apparent distance and conclude that they don’t love us (or at least don’t love us as much as we love them).

Our mind reading assumptions allow us to fill in the missing information in our social interactions, but is it accurate information or misinformation? How often are our mind reading assumptions simply wrong? Inaccurate mind reading assumptions may fill our emotional sails, pushing us forward quickly, but unfortunately pushing us off course. We make decisions and choices based on our assumptions. If the assumptions are wrong, the choices will also be wrong.

When we make mind reading assumptions, we do so based on our expectations. We could have expectations based on the particular individual’s prior behavior. For example, if Uncle Henry has tended to be critical in the past, we assume that the ambiguous statement he made today was said with critical intent.

We may also have expectations based on our prior experiences with other people. If Cindy felt rejected in her previous high school, she will expect to be rejected at the new high school. If Jeff’s parents were critical and difficult-to-please, he may perceive his current supervisors to be critical and displeased with him.

The correct answer to the question about what someone is thinking is “I don’t know” because that is the truth. When we assume we know another’s thoughts or feelings, we act on those assumptions and we close the door to other possibilities. When we remind ourselves that we actually don’t know what they are thinking, we leave the doors open for all possibilities.

Try to catch yourself doing mind reading. Remind yourself that you don’t actually know what they are thinking. I believe you will find this simple practice to be helpful in your relationships and your personal mental health.

Question: When are you most guilty of mind reading? Do you have an example of a time when you assumed what someone was thinking or feeling and then found out that you were very wrong?

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Improve Self-Esteem by Embracing Your Incompetence

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Image     Someone asked me yesterday how self-esteem will be affected by areas of genuine weakness. If you are like me, you have some things you don’t do well; areas where you aren’t talented or particularly competent. Does recognizing your true weaknesses indicate that you don’t have a good self-esteem, or does doing so harm your self-esteem?

Of course, everyone has weaknesses. We all have things we do poorly; areas where our skills are inferior to others. It’s just reality.

For example, I’m a really poor speller. When I was teaching at university level, I had to think ahead as I wrote on the board. If I couldn’t recall how to spell a word that I was about to write, I came up with a different word. Occasionally, however, my efforts failed and I misspelled a word during a lecture. My students seemed to take pleasure in pointing out my mistake, but it really didn’t bother me. I would just correct the word, sometimes joke about the mistake, and go on. I readily admitted that I was a poor speller. Thank goodness we now have spellcheck. Now, hopefully someone will develop spellcheck for classroom boards.

Your self-esteem isn’t injured by your weaknesses or mistakes, but it can be wounded by your reactions to them. Reacting to the recognition of a weakness or the discovery of a mistake with thoughts such as, “I can’t do anything right” or “I feel mortified that I made that mistake” or “They think I’m stupid” can lower the self-esteem.

Assuming that others are judging you or criticizing you for your mistakes or weaknesses can also hurt your self-esteem. Those with self-esteem wounds feel ashamed or embarrassed by mistakes seen by others, in that they believe others are thinking they are failures, stupid or losers.

Having a positive self-esteem enables you to accept the fact that, as a human being, you do have strengths and weaknesses. Like all other humans, you have weaknesses. You can’t be good at everything.

Whenever we begin a new task, one that we have never attempted, we begin with incompetence. We don’t know what we’re doing. We haven’t developed the skill. A positive self-esteem allows you to accept the fact that you will not be good at any task in the beginning. When you try something for the first time, you will probably do it poorly. You may continue to perform poorly the first few times you do it. In the beginning, you will be incompetent. This is normal. You need to embrace your incompetency. Enjoy the process of learning something new. Have fun with yourself, as you learn. To become a master at anything, you must be able to tolerate your early incompetence. Accept it. Embrace it as your first step toward mastery. Enjoy the journey!

Question: How do you embrace your incompetence?

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Ignoring the Problem?

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outcast_2_001For several years now, I have focused much of my writing and speaking engagements on self-esteem wounds and the impact of those wounds. I have preached the message that everyone has some self-esteem vulnerabilities and that many have been deeply wounded by past negative experiences. I have tried to speak for those who have difficulty speaking for themselves; the criticized boy who believes himself to be inadequate and stupid or the abandoned girl who sees herself as unimportant or not loveable.

And yet, I’m still shocked at times by the depth of some self-esteem wounds, or by the impact of those wounds. I’m reminded of the extent of the problem in our schools. I imagine the faces of kids who walk the halls every day, trying to act like they have it all together, or just trying to be invisible.

Some cover their insecurities by being loud, trying to be funny or even bullying. Others don’t speak, don’t make eye contact and move silently from class to class until the final bell rings. Some dread lunch because they feel everyone’s eyes focusing on them as they walk through the cafeteria. They imagine a wave of critical thoughts and words following them, as they try to find a table where they won’t be shunned, or worse, asked to move on.

For many, adulthood is better. We learn to worry less about others’ opinions and focus our attention to the tasks at hand. For many, however, the struggle continues throughout life. It doesn’t show, as adults are more adept at acting like they have it all together. Those with deeper self-esteems, those with particularly negative childhood experiences, continue to see themselves as inadequate, unimportant or defective.

Why don’t we do more to address the issue. Why aren’t there more programs in schools, communities or churches to help people rid themselves of their self-esteem wounds. Is it because we don’t care? Perhaps, but I hope not. Is it because we don’t have any idea what to do? That’s a big part of it, but I think the biggest reason is that we still imagine that we are the only ones with such feelings. We believe it when others say they are “fine.” We concluded as children that everyone else was okay, and we maintain the delusion.

Question: Why do you think so little is done to help children and adolescents deal with self-esteem wounds? Tell us what you think.

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Who Are You; Really?

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“Who are you?” This is an important question, perhaps one of your most important questions in life. It is such an important question because your answer to this question impacts your entire life.Thoughtful woman

Do you perceive yourself to be similar to others or to be different? Do you perceive yourself to be smart, competent and capable, or to be inadequate, incompetent and destined to fail? Do you believe you are likeable and loveable or that you are boring, odd, unimportant or likely to be rejected?

Your beliefs about who you are will greatly influence your decision making. If you believe you are competent and capable, you will be more likely to go after your dreams or desires. You will apply for that promotion, sign up for that course or degree, start that business or tackle that challenging hobby. Your decision making will focus more on whether you want or do not want to do something, not on whether you can or cannot do it. You will be more likely to assume that you can do whatever you want to do.

Also, when you believe you are competent and capable, you are less vulnerable to the inevitable failures in life. You aren’t as likely to be crushed by criticism, nullified by the naysayers, or mangled by your mistakes. You see a poor performance as an exception to who you are rather than a definition of who you are. You move on and try again.

When you believe you are likeable and loveable, you approach social situations with more self-confidence. You enter relationships with an assumption that the other person will like you. You focus your attention on the similarities between you and others, rather than the differences. You expect, and even demand, that others offer you the same respect and courtesy you give them.

When you believe you are likeable and loveable, you are less likely to be crushed by the times when others treat you badly or ignore you altogether. When someone acts distant or unfriendly, you tend to attribute the behavior to some factor in that person, rather than assuming that they treated you that way because of some defective factor in you.

Your answer to the question, “Who am I?” is the core determinant of your self-esteem or self-concept. You can assess your current self-esteem by paying attention to the thoughts passing through you mind, as you go through your day. Watch for self-critical thoughts. Watch for perceptions or anticipations of rejection. Also, pay attention to your choices, both now and in the past. Do your choices suggest that you go after what you want? Do your relationship choices suggest that you expect others to treat you as you treat them?

This week, you can become more aware of your self-esteem. Simply by paying attention, you can gain a better understanding of your answer to the question, “Who am I?”

*Some content taken from Dr. Ledford’s book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart: Overcoming the Wounds to Your Self-Esteem and Transforming Your Perception of You.”

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The Power of Your Thinking
By Terry L. Ledford, Ph.D.

Young Woman Biting Her Finger NailAs a man thinks in his heart, so is he.
Proverbs 23:7

You talk to yourself all day. All your waking hours, you are thinking in words and sentences. You carry on an internal conversation with yourself. You comment on events, ask yourself questions and then answer them. This is normal. We all do it, but we usually aren’t aware that we’re doing it.

Have you ever stopped to consider the impact of all this internal chatter? You might be surprised at the degree to which your thoughts influence your mood, guide your perceptions and direct your behaviors. We would all do well to pay attention to the content of our thoughts, and consider their influence on our mood and choices. Have negative thought patterns caused you to experience unnecessary pain or make unhealthy choices?

The power of our thinking is magnified by the sheer volume of thoughts that go through our minds each day. Thousands of words, hundreds of phrases, judging thoughts, assuming thoughts, emotionally charged thoughts, all passing unquestioned into our minds and hearts.

A little internal observation will reveal that we all have habitual patterns of thinking. Some of us tend to think optimistic thoughts and some pessimistic thoughts. Some people are kind to themselves in their thoughts and some are very self-critical. Some people tend to be skeptical of others and some trusting in their thoughts.

This week, pay attention to your thoughts. Notice what you are saying to yourself. Particularly, notice any repeated patterns of negative thinking. Also, notice how your thoughts influence your mood and your behaviors. Was a negative or irritable mood preceded by negative thinking? Was a depressed mood preceded by self-critical or pessimistic thoughts? I believe that a little self-examination will reveal a connection between your self-talk and your life experience.
There are many forms of negative thinking can hurt us. In future posts, I will be addressing several specific types of negative thinking and providing tools we can use to change our thinking and improve our lives. For now, just notice the internal conversation as you go through your day. Become aware of your thoughts, your assumptions and your attributions. Awareness is the beginning of change.

Question: What techniques have you found to be helpful in monitoring your self-talk? Can you see a connection between the quality of your daily life experience and the thoughts that are going through your head?

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Hello world!

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Heart_ParablesWelcome to “Your Core Value.” My name is Terry L. Ledford, Ph.D. and I’m writing this blog to provide information about the causes of self-esteem wounds and the tools you can use to heal those wounds. My hope is that this blog can stimulate an online community of individuals who are passionate about helping themselves, those they love and even those they will never meet improve their self-esteem.

Once each week, I will provide articles about self-esteem issues and ideas for correcting negative self-beliefs. I will end each article with a question for readers. Hopefully, you will respond to those questions with feedback, a technique that has been helpful for you or an idea to help others.  Readers can then respond to other readers so we have a conversation, not just a monologue.

Many of the ideas I provide will be based on my recent book, “Parables for a Wounded Heart: Overcoming the Wounds to Your Self-Esteem and Transforming Your Perception of You.” Of course, I will be gathering new information as we go along and sharing that as well. I see this as an ongoing process. The direction of the community will depend on you as much as me. I know that I don’t have all the answers and look forward to your feedback.

We’ll cover this in much more detail later, but here is my basic premise about the origins of self-esteem wounds:

Children are not born with a negative or positive self-esteem. However, from the time they realize that they are beings, separate from the world, they begin looking for answers to the question, “Who am I?” They look to the reactions of their parents and other family members first. Then they look at the reactions they receive from teachers, other children and others. When children experience criticism, rejection or abuse, they conclude that there is something wrong with them that somehow warranted those experiences. They come to believe that they are inadequate, unimportant or defective. They believe that it must be their fault. Without intervention, these negative self-beliefs follow the child into adulthood and through the rest of their life.

These learned self-beliefs can be seen in the intelligent person who believes he is stupid or the kind, loveable person who believes that she is unimportant. The beliefs are also seen in the sexually abused child who believes the abuse was her fault. Without question, we know that these beliefs are wrong in others, but often fail to apply that knowledge to ourselves.

Question #1: What do you believe is the impact of low self-esteem or self-esteem wounds in our society? You can leave your comments by clicking here.