Many children experience the pain of an unavailable parent. The child mistakenly believes that he or she is the blame. The question, “Why can’t he love me?” is all too common. Of course the problem actually rests with the parent, not the child, but the child doesn’t know this. The self-esteem is wounded, as the child feels unlovable. That feeling of being unimportant or unlovable follows the child into adulthood, maintaining the self-esteem wound.

This scene from “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” provides an excellent example of a rejecting parent and a hurting son. We need to recognize that the problem lies with the parent, not with the child. Will Smith does a beautiful job of depicting the reaction of the rejected child. First, he acts cool, as if there is no problem and it doesn’t bother him. Then he expresses anger at the parent for not being there for him. Finally, he becomes more vulnerable to asks the ultimate self-esteem wound question, “Why doesn’t he want me?” He shows the very strong tendency the child has to blame himself.

Unfortunately, far too many children and teenagers have to deal with a distant or absent parent. Of course, adults know that the problem lies with the parent, not with the child. The child blames himself.