When we lose someone or something we love, we grieve. It is a universal human emotion. It is painful and unwanted, but it is healthy. When we experience loss, we need to grieve.
Of course, grief is painful. It sometimes washes over us like a huge wave, knocking us off our feet. We sometimes feel that we are drowning in it. It can feel as deep as a bottomless ocean. Just when we may be gaining our balance, another wave comes, unexpected and unwanted.
Grief is a natural process for our healing and is thus necessary. The most healthy response to grief is to let it happen, to let it flow. When we try to avoid or block grief, we bring on more pain. Repressed grief doesn’t go away. It just changes form to depression, anger or isolation. The pain lingers or worsens.
Grief is best processed in the company of supportive, compassionate others. We need to talk about our grief or cry with those who care about us. Every society has developed rituals to help its members experiencing grief. The rituals look different but all serve to surround the grieving person with loved ones and honorably mark the passing of the deceased.
There are two types of grief reactions; simple grief and complicated grief. Simple grief is simple. We lose someone or something we love and we grieve. The grief is most intense immediately after the loss and gradually improves. There are, of course, good and bad days and weeks, but there is gradual improvement and we move on.
Complicated grief is when the grief process is complicated by factors such as anger or guilt. A complicated reaction can occur when the relationship with the deceased was difficult. We may have felt both love and anger toward the person. We may have had an argument right before their death. Such mixed emotions can complicate the grief response.
We can also experience complicated grief when we feel guilt in the person’s death. We question ourselves. They might still be alive if I had called sooner, checked on them sooner or forced them to go to the hospital. Our self-questioning or self-blame can prevent us from processing our grief. Our emotional distress often worsens over time rather than improving.
When someone questions or blames themselves for their choices, I ask them to put someone else in their shoes. Imaging that someone they like or respect was in their situation and knew exactly what they knew in the moment. Would they judge that person’s choice as harshly? Would they feel the other person “should have known better?”
Our watches run in only one direction. Each choice me make is based on what we know in that moment, not on what we will know in the future. With 20/20 hindsight, we judge our choices on what we know now. Life doesn’t work that way. We don’t have the power of omniscience.
Grief is painful. It is an unwanted companion, but a necessary part of being human. Lean on those who love you. Give yourself time to feel whatever you feel. And in the process, be compassionate with yourself.
