Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something. When we trust, we have confidence in that person or thing. We trust people when we believe that they will be honest and treat us well.

So how do we choose who to trust? Why do we trust one person more or less than another? Is our decision always rational or reasonable? The answer is no.

Of course, we do trust some people because their past behaviors have proven them to be trustworthy. Each time we interacted with them, they behaved in a reliable or truthful manner, and so gained trust in our eyes. They earned it.

This kind of trust is fairly rational. We are rarely let down by such earned trust, but sometimes we are. We’ve all had the experience of someone letting us down for that first time. They had been trustworthy in the past, but this time they weren’t. It’s painful isn’t it?

When trust is broken it hurts. We begin to doubt what we thought we knew about the person. We even doubt our past experiences with the person. Were we being fooled in the past? Were they who we thought they were? Was the whole thing a lie? And we all know that it takes much longer to build back trust than it took to lose it.

But our decision to trust is sometimes not rational. Sometimes we trust when we shouldn’t have. Sometimes we trust despite warning signs that we shouldn’t trust. Why is that?

I have found that such misplaced trust often occurs when we have self-esteem wounds. When we don’t value ourselves, we tend to blame ourselves when we are treated badly. We perceive that their negative treatment of us is somehow our fault. Our tendency to self-blame keeps us from seeing their negative characteristics. We make excuses for them.

Our friends and family often see the negative traits of the other person. They try to warn us and urge us to leave the situation, but we don’t listen. We continue making excuses for the hurtful person and blaming ourselves. We fail to see the truth.

Do you find yourself in a relationship with a hurtful person? Do you keep trying to be good enough to please them? Have you ignored warnings from friends and family? Take a long, hard look at the relationship. Would you want a loved one to be in the same relationship? If it wouldn’t be good enough for them, why is it good enough for you?