Failure is as much a part of life as breathing. We all fail. I suppose the only way to completely avoid failure is to never do anything, but then we would just fail at life.

The key to emotional well being is not to avoid failure (because we can’t), but to handle failure appropriately. Our reactions to failure experiences determine their impact on our self-esteem. We can see a failure as evidence of our total inadequacy or as an unfortunate event.

When a child is criticized harshly or frequently, his self-esteem will be wounded. He will conclude that he is inadequate or defective. He will see himself as less smart or capable. He will tend to blame himself for any negative life circumstances and perceive that others are judging him. Any failures, even small, will take on enormous importance, as “proof” of the victim’s inadequacy. Consequently, the person will approach any performance situation with tremendous anxiety.

The problem lies in the perception of failure’s consequences. Dennis Waitley, Ph.D. shared an excellent metaphor for this difficulty.

Imagine that I had a twenty foot long board, that was twelve inches wide and four inches thick. I put the board on the ground and asked you to walk its length, from one end to the other. I told you that if you could do so without stepping off, I would give you a hundred dollars. Would you do it? Of course you would, easy task, sufficient reward.

But now lets imagine that I put one end of the board on a twenty story building, and put the other end on an adjacent twenty story building, with a twenty story alley below. Then imagine that I put the $100.00 bill on the other end of the board, with a rock on it, just in case the wind blew. Your task would be to walk across the board, without stepping or falling off, to get the money.

Would you do it now? Would you try to walk across the twelve inch wide board to get the $100.00 bill? I certainly hope not.

But let’s look at the difference. The task is actually the same in both situations, to walk the length of a twenty foot long board, that is twelve inches wide. The only difference is the penalty of failure.

When the board is on the ground, failure simply means that you don’t get the $100.00. When the board is on the building, the penalty is death.

People who have a fear of failure perceive every task as being a board on a building. Every performance feels like life-and-death. They may intellectually know that this is not the case, but their physical reactions give it away. Their hearts race. Their breathing becomes short and shallow. Their muscles tense. Their bodies are preparing for fight or flight.

In a sense, the person with a performance-based self-esteem wound is facing a life-or death event. The potential death is to the self-esteem, not to the body. They fear failure because they believe that it defines them. It doesn’t.

Now, I can almost hear you saying to yourself, “but I fail all the time.” This statement is a reflection of the wounded self-esteem, not reality. No one fails all the time. It’s just that a performance self-esteem wound makes you notice your failures more than your successes. It makes you perceive every negative circumstance as your fault. You don’t pay attention to your successes, so you don’t remember them.

Pay attention to your reactions to failure, or potential failure. Notice how your body reacts. Try to remind yourself that the board is actually on the ground. If you fail, you won’t get what you wanted, but you usually won’t die. You will be disappointed, but the failure won’t actually define you. At least, not unless you let it.

Comment: What about your reactions to failure? Have you discovered techniques that have helped you deal more effectively with failure? Please share them.